Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late at night
You are your own worst enemy, you'll never win the fight
Just hold onto me, I'll hold onto you
She stared at the ceiling and let out a shaky sigh, a few rapid blinks, then back to her breathing. In through her nose, out through her mouth. She tried reading and sewing until the candles burned out. She couldn't be bothered to go get more, so she settled for humming old songs she used to love. And when she grew tired of that, she simply breathed. She was doing everything she could think of to stop the tears from falling, but she couldn't help it anymore. She rolled over and buried her face in her pillow, letting out the sob she'd been holding in for nearly two weeks.
Two weeks.
He should have been back two weeks ago.
She knew she had to allow him a bit of leeway. His life, after all was just as unpredictable as the sea itself. He couldn't be very precise in his timing. But it had been three months, nearly four now, since she'd last seen him.
And good heaven, she missed him terribly.
She remembered riding back into town, looking out of the window of her carriage and smiling fondly as she remembered that fateful day. She went into the shops and got a bit of shopping done before asking the driver to take the long way home. She could remember stopping to listen to birds and look at flowers, feeling much like one of those silly girls in those romance novels she used to read, but she found she didn't really care. It felt to be a particularly special day, and this was before she got the news. The sun shone a little brighter, everyone seemed generally happier. Or perhaps it was her own disposition. She just remembered being abnormally cheerful.
Her happiness grew even more when she received the letter from Catherine.
She hadn't been expecting any correspondence from anyone, but as soon as the young girl handed her the note, the salt and rum wafted up to her nose and she couldn't help the grin that spread across her face. She rushed up to her room, locking the door behind herself and giggling like a teenage girl.
She broke the wax seal and quickly made her way over to her nightstand where her glasses lay haphazardly discarded beside her latest bit of embroidery. She slipped the lenses on and slowly unfolded the note, taking the time to smell the paper before actually looking down to read.
She read his words over and over again, smiling as she took note of his handwriting. She could tell it was the penmanship of a pirate, but his writing was distinct. Every stroke of the pen was exaggerated, particularly when he wrote anything ending in a "y". Bold, dramatic strokes, as if he was constantly trying to convey his importance even through through his writing.
She chuckled.
That sounded like Jack.
Or perhaps…
She remembered her own letters when she wrote to her first love all those years ago. She would always take the time to ensure that the paper wasn't wrinkled and that her writing was as neat as she could possibly make it. It wasn't the same care she took with any other letters. They were special. She allowed herself to be vain for just a moment and think that perhaps he was making the effort for her. That maybe he didn't normally write in such elaborate script, but he took the time for her letter because he wanted to make it a bit more special.
She shook her head and got back to reading.
From the contents of his letter, she gathered that he couldn't say very much about where he was or what he was doing, she suspected because of the possibility of interception, but he did let her know that he hadn't forgotten her and that he expected to be back in about three weeks time.
She looked at the corner of the letter where he'd dated it.
She saw he'd written it about eight days ago. It had taken a week to get to her, meaning there was a shorter time to wait now. Only two weeks left until she'd see him again.
She looked at the bottom of the page where he'd signed it.
"Thinking of you, always
Your Captain"
She smiled, biting her lip. That was about as close to an "I love you" as he'd ever gotten.
She carefully folded the letter before tucking it away beneath her pillow and picking up her needlework again. She wanted it to be finished by the time he got back.
She needn't have rushed. The two weeks came and went and she hadn't heard anything else from him. She sat on her balcony, watching sunset after sunset, hoping one of them would bring him back to her.
She figured maybe something came up. He was a pirate after all. Maybe he got into a bit of a scrap with another ship and he had to dock somewhere to repair the damage before he could do anything else. Or maybe he got hurt…
She shivered. She didn't want to think about that possibility.
Or maybe…
No.
He hadn't forgotten her. He couldn't have.
She wouldn't allow herself to believe that.
She looked over at the shadow of the unfolded letter, now resting atop her bedside table where it had been for the past two weeks. She had read it countless times to be sure that he did, in fact, write two weeks. She wanted to be sure she wasn't mistaken. She checked the calendar multiple times. It had been two weeks, and five days now.
She sighed.
'Thinking of you always.'
Well if that was true, where was he? Why wasn't he beside her now?
She'd been so looking forward to holding him again.
She nuzzled into her pillow and closed her eyes, inhaling deeply.
Whenever it came time to clean her linens, she always instructed Caroline to leave that particular pillow alone. It was the one he used before he left. It still smelled of him, of the sea.
She held it close to her, as she did every night, burying her nose in the soft cotton and letting the smell of the ocean waves lull her to sleep, hoping it wouldn't be long before it would be Jack in her arms instead of an old pillow.
Her captain.
I don't believe anything, don't trust anyone but me
But I believe you when you say we're never gonna fall
He opened his journal and ticked off another day's work, sighing heavily.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be.
He was supposed to be with her, holding her, telling her how much he missed her and how he hated to be without her. He was supposed to tell her about the sea and his adventures and the sights he had seen and how much gold he would give her when he had the chance.
And here he was. Another night on this bloody ship. Alone.
He looked out across the ocean. Not a speck of land in sight.
Staring out at the horizon wouldn't move him any closer to the shore, he knew, but it didn't stop him hoping.
He knew he was heading in the right direction, of that much, he was certain, but the wind hadn't been working in his favor and without a crew, he had no man power to help row, so the best he could do was wait on the winds to change again. But goodness only knew how long that would be.
If he didn't love her so much, he wouldn't be so…
His face fell as he realized what he'd just admitted to himself.
"Oh god…"
He loved her.
But he was a sea captain. A pirate.
He couldn't fall in love !
This was definitely not supposed to happen. Not to him.
But it had.
Now he had to decide what to do about it. He could hardly believe it himself. He knew if he told her, she wouldn't believe it either. He was a pirate, after all.
Nothing like this had ever happened to him before. And he'd been with women before her. It just didn't make any sense to him.
"Pirates don't fall in love," he muttered to himself.
And a small voice inside his head answered, 'But men do.'
And underneath the guns and gold, he was still a man.
He sighed and looked into his spyglass one last time.
Still no land.
He threw his journal down in frustration and a small, familiar object fell out from between the pages.
He bent down to pick it up and held it to his nose.
It was the flower he picked from her garden before he left.
He remembered how she said her late husband would never let her spend too much time outdoors because of some silly excuse about not wanting her to ruin her dresses. She said she suspected the real reason was that he didn't want anyone to catch her on her hands and knees in the dirt 'behaving like a common servant', or so he would have put it. He idly thought it was best that her husband wasn't around anymore. He knew himself well enough to know he probably would have killed the old sod if he hadn't already died.
Now that Olivia was on her own, she could spend as much time gardening as she wanted. Her face lit up when she took him out to show him all the roses she'd planted. She was so proud of those little flowers. He didn't really understand the fascination, but he put it down to being a sea faring man. But god he loved seeing her so happy. There were roses of several colors, but she was particularly fond of the yellow ones. She said they reminded her of sunshine. She spent so much time tending to them that she almost always smelt of them.
He plucked one from the small bush that grew beneath her window just before he left, and he looked at it every single day. There were many nights he sat just staring at it and he couldn't believe how attached he was to her, but oddly enough, it didn't bother him as much as he thought it would.
He went into the cabin and sat down on his bunk, carefully placing the flower on the pillow beside him while he got himself settled. Once he was comfortable he picked it up and sniffed it, smiling as he remembered the way he would bury his nose in her hair as she slept. She always smelled of those roses and a faint hint of lavender, he assumed from her bath oils.
He was amazed that the smell of the sea never made the rose's scent fade away. If he were a poetic man, he would have attached some sort of symbolism to that, but he simply held it to his nose, as he did every night before bed, and hoped that it wouldn't be too terribly long before she was back in arms again.
Olivia.
She was gently shaken awake by one of her maids.
"Ma'am?" she shook her mistress's shoulder a bit more forcefully. "Ma'am?"
Olivia made a muffled groaning sound. "I won't have breakfast today, Catherine. Thank you."
"No, ma'am. It's Violet. Mr. Dunham's daughter. Catherine isn't well this morning. She asked me to attend to you."
The more she spoke, Olivia could hear that Catherine's Irish accent wasn't present.
"Oh. I'm sorry, Violet." She sighed and nuzzles into her pillow again. "I won't be needing anything this morning. I think I'll just have a lie in."
"Yes, ma'am. But there's a bit of a… not problem, exactly…"
Olivia rolled over to see the young girl standing over her with a nervous look on her face.
"What is it?"
"There's this… man."
Olivia sat up, frowning. "What man?"
Violet sighed before starting, "There's someone downstairs asking for you and he's clearly not from town. He looked to be a bit dangerous… not that he tried anything, mind. But I didn't like the look of him and I was going to send him away but he seems to know you and he kept asking for you saying he had to see you and if I didn't know better, I would say he's…"
"What?"
"Well…" she gulped. "He looks a bit rough," she muttered. "Almost like a… pirate."
Olivia's eyes went wide.
She gulped. "Did- did he give his name?"
The young girl shook her head. "He only said to tell you that he was sorry he wasn't here at sunset and that you would know what it meant."
She bit her lip, smiling. "He didn't forget me…"she whispered.
The young girl furrowed her brow. "Ma'am?"
"I know him. I'll explain later. Just make him comfortable, whatever he needs, and tell him I'll meet him in the garden in about ten- no- fifteen minutes."
The girl looked at her strangely, but did as she was told.
Olivia got herself ready in no time at all, donning the deep purple dress she planned to wear when she greeted him. It would have been nice to be able to wear it two weeks prior, but all that didn't matter now. He was there.
He was there and he didn't forget.
She hurried down the stairs as quickly as she could manage without tripping over her skirts. She stopped to examine herself in the hall mirror. She hadn't worn that dress in a couple of years. She was delighted to find it still fit.
"You know him well?" Violet's quiet voice drifted in from behind her.
"Yes. He's an old friend."
Violet tilted her head and cast a glance at the very unconventional looking visitor who was now standing in the garden staring at one of the rose bushes.
"A friend, ma'am? But isn't he a bit…"
"Yes, I know," she smiled. "But believe me, he isn't an ordinary pirate. In fact, I haven't seen him do anything remotely pirate-like in all the time I've known him," she chuckled. "When I first met him, I wouldn't have believed he ever set foot on a ship if it weren't for the fact that he always smells like the sea."
Violet nodded, smiling softly.
"If you don't mind me asking, ma'am… is he the one who sends you all the letters?"
Olivia looked up and caught the girl's reflection in the mirror.
"Why do you ask?"
Violet looked down, blushing. "It's only that… what you said about him smelling like the sea. And the letters… they always smell sort of like salt… like the ocean… I just thought… nevermind. I shouldn't have said anything."
"No need to apologize," Olivia smiled. "Yes, he is."
The young girl chanced a glance at her mistress. "He's special to you, isn't he?"
"Yes. Very special."
Violet smiled. "Well… I think you're special to him too."
Olivia turned around to face her then. "What makes you say that?"
Violet shrugged. "Just the way he asked for you. I think he really missed you." She paused. "Quite soppy for a pirate," she giggled nervously.
Olivia chuckled. "Quite."
"You look beautiful, ma'am," she smiled.
"Thank you, Violet."
The young maid curtseyed and Olivia stepped out onto the stone pathway that would lead into garden.
Violet quietly followed her out to take a peek at this special pirate.
She stopped just around the corner of the house so she wouldn't be seen. She knew she shouldn't spy, but she couldn't help wondering how Lady Olivia ever came about meeting a pirate. And that she should be so fond of this mysterious pirate… well that wasn't exactly ordinary for someone like her. Still, she knew the older woman well enough to know that anybody she made friends with must be a decent person at heart.
She knew Lady Olivia was a good hearted person. Violet was nearly without a home when Lady Olivia hired her. When she got to the estate, she realized that the rest of the staff seemed almost unnecessary. One day, she finally worked up the courage to ask why they were all there. Surely with only the Lady of the house living there, there couldn't possibly be that much work to go around. She didn't regularly entertain guests, and the few times she did, they were always fairly small gatherings. She just didn't see the need for so many people.
It was Miss Edith, the cook, who told her how things were before Lord Mannering had died, and how Lady Olivia didn't have the heart to fire them and leave them all without jobs, so they just worked in rotation now. When they were finished their work for the day, they were free to spend the rest of the time with their own families at their own homes. Miss Edith said some of the staff were particularly glad of that rule as some of the staff hadn't seen their families in years. They couldn't leave the estate and their families wouldn't have dared travel beyond the high street to the upperclass houses. She even discovered that Lady Olivia sometimes paid for the expenses of some of their families if they couldn't manage on their own. It explained why they were all so fiercely loyal to her. But Violet knew she didn't do it to get anything in return. She did it because she was truly a kind person, which of course just made everyone love her more. When they were alone, Catherine sometimes said that she felt sorry for the missus because she spent so much time by herself. Most of the people she knew were all her late husband's friends and they didn't much interest her. And Lady Olivia was never haughty or stuck up like the other society wives, so she didn't mix very well with that group either. In fact, the few friends she did have were almost all below her social station.
She was never one to play by the rulebook and most everyone who'd met her knew that. So actually, Violet thought she shouldn't have been too surprised that she'd managed to make friends with a pirate. Lady Olivia could befriend just about anybody.
But there was still something nagging at her.
She hadn't worn that dress in ages. And she certainly wouldn't bring out a garment like that unless she was trying to make an impression.
Violet had a feeling this pirate was a very special friend indeed.
She chanced another peek around the corner and peered through the bushes to see her mistress throw her arms around the man, him hugging her back just as tightly. She saw a tear run down her cheek, and then he wiped it away gently.
'He must really care for her…' she thought.
But what she saw next confirmed her suspicions.
The pirate kissed her.
And she kissed him back.
Violet quickly ducked behind the corner, putting a hand to her mouth to stop her giggle.
She'd certainly never seen the good lady do that before.
She peeked one last time.
They just stood there for a moment, looking into each other's eyes before she burst into a fit of giggles and threw her arms around him again, burying her face into his chest.
Violet ducked behind the corner again.
Her cheeks felt like they would split, her grin was so wide.
'Yes! ' she silently cheered and ran back into the house, giggling and feeling much brighter than she had in a while. She wouldn't mention it to the others just yet. She would let Lady Olivia do that, if and when she chose to. But she couldn't help being happy for her.
She skipped into the kitchen, humming a cheerful tune.
Her hunch had been right.
Lady Olivia had fallen in love.
"What, may I ask, took you so long?" she led him up the stairs to her chambers. "You had me worried."
"Well, I was sort of… working on something… then I ran into a bit of a situation…" he paused when he saw how she was looking at him. "But it's all sorted now."
She raised an eyebrow.
"Alright, mostly sorted. My crew are repairing the damages to the larger ship. I sailed in on the smaller one."
She closed the door behind them and turned to face him, her eyes wide. "You have more than one?"
He smiled. "Of course. I'm the captain."
She pursed her lips, lightly smacking his arm before leading him out to the balcony.
"By the way… are you sure I should be here? I mean, what with your friend downstairs and everything. She didn't seem to like me very much."
Olivia chuckled. "She's one of the maids. And I suspect she's never seen a pirate off a ship before, so she was just being cautious. But we've talked."
"Talked?" He raised an eyebrow then.
"Yes. We had a brief discussion of the matter," she smiled. "She's a smart girl. She asked if you were special to me. I said yes. No doubt she's already worked out just how special you are."
"And it doesn't bother you? What if she tells the others?"
Olivia shrugged. "It's my home. I can do as I please." She reclined in the small cushioned chair. "Besides, everyone already knows I've never been one to follow convention."
Jack chuckled. "No. I suppose you aren't."
"Anyway, I don't think she would. I trust her… I trust all of them. I think they would want me to be happy. I would hope they would."
"How could they not?" he smiled over at her and she took his hand, enjoying the feeling of his palm, warm and solid beneath hers.
"Now… about this something you've been working on that delayed your arrival for two and a half weeks…" she looked pointedly at him.
"Oh, yes. About that…"
"Yes?"
"It's ready when you are, but… we'll have to travel," he looked over at her. "That is, if you're up to it."
Her eyes locked on his. "You can't mean… your ship?"
He nodded slowly, not able to read her expression and deadly afraid she would say no.
The corners of her mouth slowly turned up into that wicked little grin of hers he'd come to love so much.
"When do we go?"
"Do I have to wear this thing?" Jack looked down at his temporary costume, adjusting the overcoat which was far too snug for his liking. The stuffy society fashions never suited him.
"Just long enough to get through town. Once we're on the ship, you're free to change out of it."
She popped the tri-cornered hat on his head to complete the look. There was no way she could get all of his hair under a powdered wig, but perhaps in the carriage, no one would notice.
"Ashamed to be seen with a pirate?" He quirked his eyebrow.
She cupped his cheek and looked into his eyes. "No," she pecked his lips gently. "Of course not. But everyone already thinks I'm a barmy old woman. They get one look at you on my arm and they'll have me committed. I just don't think we should over-egg the pudding."
"Fair. But what about you? Have anything appropriate for a pirate ship?"
She looked down at her dress. It was one of her more casual pieces. A winter green, not too tightly corseted, and the skirt wasn't nearly as full as the purple number she'd greeted him in. She thought it was relatively plain as dresses went.
"What's wrong with this?"
He chuckled, "Nothing at all." He kissed her forehead. "Though I do think you'll want something a little… looser. What would you lounge about in?"
She furrowed her brow and went over to her closet, gathering a few dresses. She normally did her gardening in them as she could move about in those a lot easier than the corseted pieces she was confined to in public. She turned and held them up.
"Will these do?"
"Perfect," he smiled. "I think you'll be much more comfortable in those."
She smiled, relieved, and began packing her things. She'd already told Violet she was taking a small trip with her friend, and the younger girl informed her, with a blush and giggle, that she suspected as much.
'I think he really likes you, ma'am. Quite soppy for a pirate.'
Once they had packed, Violet and one of the butlers, Gerald, helped them take the bags down to the carriage. Olivia had instructed them to look after the house in her absence, and to inform anyone who asked of her whereabouts that she was visiting a friend who was ill and needed her care, and she was therefore unsure of when she should return.
Violet nodded her head, ensuring that they would look after her home with the greatest care.
She took the older woman's hand just as she set foot on the first step into the carriage.
"I'm happy for you, ma'am. We all are," she whispered with a small smile. "Good luck."
Olivia smiled and kissed her forehead. "Thank you, Violet."
They boarded the carriage and set off, her hand in his the whole way. Olivia looked out of the window most of the time, trying to figure out exactly where they were, as they weren't headed for the main docks. He told her he'd chosen a quieter location. She trusted him, so she went along with it, anxious to see what his surprise was.
He, however, spent most of the trip staring at her. He'd missed her terribly. Just being able to touch her hand, to look at her. To his surprise, he didn't miss the sex as much as he thought he would. That's not to say he didn't miss it at all. In fact, he was quite anxious to get to the ship so he could show her how much he missed her. But most of all, he just missed being close to her. Having her there beside him.
He nudged her arm.
"You're sure you want to do this? You don't have to, you know."
"No. I want this. I want to be with you," she smiled.
"So tell me… why are your hands trembling?"
"I'm just a bit nervous. I've never been on a ship before," she admitted with a blush.
"Don't worry. I'll be there with you," he squeezed her hand a little tighter. "Besides," he smiled. " I think you'll like this ship."
She raised an eyebrow, but didn't question it any further, assuming (correctly) that she wasn't going to get any more out of him.
When they got close to the dock, she could smell the briny water, and the first thing she saw was the very top of the ship peeking out from behind trees.
"Is that it? That one there?"
She pointed out the window and he nodded, smiling. She bit her lip and gave his hand an excited squeeze. She was practically bouncing in her seat and he had to bite his lip to stop himself giggling.
She leaned a little closer to the window and squinted her eyes as she peered at the flag atop the ship. She gasped as the symbol adorning the flag became clearer.
A yellow rose.
She looked back at him and he smiled.
They came to a stop at the top of the path and Jack recruited one of the other sailors to help him carry her bags aboard the ship while her footman tended to the horses.
She stepped out of the carriage and her jaw dropped as she took in the sight of the ship in full.
It was magnificent.
She'd only seen the larger ship from a distance, but she could tell it was enormous. This was bigger than she'd expected and she could only wonder how big the other one was close up. She walked closer and noticed that there was something painted on the side.
She stepped down onto the dock and peered round to have a better look at it.
Olivia.
It was her name.
He'd actually named the ship after her.
Her hands flew to her mouth and she found herself having to blink back tears. She looked over to see him stepping off the ship to make his way back over to her.
"Is it alright?" he asked.
She shook her head in disbelief and then nodded quickly. "It's beautiful. I- You shouldn't have gone through all the trouble-"
"I wanted to. You said you'd never had a chance to really travel… see the world. I want to show you." He looked into her eyes and took her hands in his. "I love you, Olivia."
This time, she couldn't help the tear that trickled down her cheek.
"Dear boy… I love you, too," she cupped his cheek and giggled. "You arequite soppy for a pirate."
He tilted his head. "What?"
She chuckled. "Nevermind."
She smiled and threw her arms around him, laughing and hugging him tightly, feeling more carefree than she had since she was a girl. He hurriedly took her aboard the ship and showed her the cabin and where they would be living while they sailed, but he still wouldn't give her any hints as to what the last part of his surprise was.
"I can't imagine what else you've done. This is all too much already."
"You're sailing with the captain now. There's no such thing as too much."
She giggled and put her arms around him briefly, before releasing him so he could pull up the anchor.
"And you're sure you want to come with me?"
"For the hundredth time, yes!"
He chuckled. "I'm only asking. You seem to be very confident about all this for someone who's fallen in love with a pirate. I mean for all you know, I could toss you to the mermaids."
She pursed her lips and swatted his arm. "You would not."
He smiled. "Of course not. It's a foolish pirate who gives up the most valuable thing on his ship."
She chuckled and blushed.
"Honestly though… I want you to be sure. This whole emotional thing is uncharted territory for me. I might not be very good at it."
"So far, you're managing wonderfully," she smiled.
"Good," he kissed her hand. "If you like, you can go in and have a lie down and I'll get everything squared away out here. Sails and such…"
She nodded. "Alright, but don't be long."
He smiled and began adjusting the rigging while she ducked into the cabin.
She looked around, noting that the décor wasn't as rugged as she'd expected. She suspected he tried to spruce things up a bit for her. She smiled and shook her head.
Then her eye caught something on the floor.
A small book.
She picked it up and a small yellow rose floated down to the floor. It had obviously been pressed between the pages.
The turned the book over and immediately recognized it as a journal. And one of the first things she spied was her name about halfway down the page.
She felt rather naughty peeking, but she couldn't help herself.
'Someone told me once that falling in love is like jumping off a cliff. You just have to believe and let go. I've done a lot of things as a pirate but jumping off a cliff isn't one of them. And I don't think I'd be too keen to try.'
Olivia bit her lip, giggling.
'But I've never fallen in love before either. I have to say it's scarier than just about anything I've faced at sea. But I do believe… in Olivia. I believe in her more than anything else. So I think I will… I'll tell her I love her. I'll jump.'
She felt a bit of a lurch and grabbed onto the bedside table. She assumed he'd finally pushed away from the dock.
Just as she was about to tuck the rose back between the pages, he came bounding down the stairs.
"I see you've found yourself some reading material."
She blushed. "Sorry. I didn't mean to peek, but it was open on the floor. I didn't go looking. I promise."
He smiled. "It's alright. I must have dropped it last night." He walked over to her and took her in his arms. "Besides, most of what's there is about you anyway."
She giggled. "Soppy."
"So how much did you read?"
"Only the last bit… what you said about falling in love. Poetic."
"Not mine," he chuckled. "I'm afraid I'm not quite that clever with words."
"Still… it was lovely."
"I meant it." He rested his head on top of hers, burying his nose in her hair as he loved to do. "I believe in you… in us. I want to try this."
She lifted her head to look at him. She smiled and laced her fingers with his before slowly walking him over to the bed.
He smirked. "Where do you think you're going?"
"If I'm lucky… over the edge," she fiddled with the collar of his shirt. He snorted at the double meaning and ducked his head to kiss her.
She felt her knees hit the back of the bed and he helped support her as she fell backward onto the mattress. He hovered over her, looking into her eyes as she smiled up at him, cupping his cheek in her hand the way he loved.
He kissed her with all the passion he had in him and they both let go of everything except each other. His pried his lips from hers only when the need for air became too great.
She smiled, panting lightly. "Come on, then…" she whispered. "Let's jump. Together."
Baby if I've got you, I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
I won't fall out of love. I fall into you.