Disclaimer:

I do not own anything and I don't make any money with this.

A/N:

This is a parody. I spoof almost everything in it, even fanfiction, also my own stories.

I do not want to offend anyone, this is just pure fun.

Teacher's conference

Or

Why there is no Harry Potter 8

Once again the professors of Hogwarts school for witchcraft and wizardry had met for their obligatory teacher's conference. After the official part was over, some of the professors took their leave while the remaining teachers stayed in their seats and talked. Finally the topic turned towards the diverse "double lives" of the professors.

"Yes, indeed, I did read the latest stories. And what can I tell you? They did it again," Snape snarled.

"Did what?" McGonagall looked at him questioningly.

"Again they portrayed me as a heroically, but ill-humoured sourpuss. Although I am actually a nice guy, am I not?"

"Well," Lupin hummed and hawed, "sometimes you're really insufferable and a stinker, but sometimes you do have your moments."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Snape started.

"Well, right in this moment you bear more resemblance with the ill-humoured stinker than the nice professor. Although you're lucky, you're getting off well."

"Yes, terrific! All the time they harp on about being a Deatheater, all the time I'm send on dangerous mission which I only survive badly injured if I survive them at all."

"That's not what he was talking about," McGonagall barged in.

"But?" Snape rose his eyebrow and winced at it.

"Bugger! I'm doing it again!" Irritated he felt for his eyebrow.

"Doing what?"

"Rising my brow. A stupid habit, really. Who else is forced to rise their brow all the time?"

"Oh, come on, I have to eat sherbet lemons all day long instead," Dumbledore chipped in. "I feel like a walking cliché. The somewhat crazy genius with his sherbet lemons. And I am allergic to lemons!"

Snape chimed in again:
"Remus, what was it you wanted to tell me a moment ago?"

Lupin smiled.
"At least you have an diversified life. All those adventures and – uh – acquaintances..."

Snape snorted. "Acquaintances! If you mean sex, just say so! Yes, apparently I shagged my way straight – or not so straight - through the whole wizarding world. The only ones I definitely didn't fuck were Albus and Filch. But otherwise!" Furiously he snorted again.

"Yes, unfortunately," Albus remarked lost in thought and smiled when he thought about a liaison with Snape. It would have appealed to him.

Instead he decided to annoy Snape a bit.

"I found you relationship with Remus especially interesting," he said accentuated airily and leaned back relaxed to watch Snape explode.

Snape banged his fist on the table to underline his words insistently:
"I-am-not-gay! I didn't sleep with Remus, Sirius or Lucius Malfoy! And I never – ever! - bedded Harry Potter!"

Lupin slumped down and pulled a somewhat disappointed face.

"At least they grant you a sexual life," Albus muttered. "I am only paired off with Minerva."

"How am I supposed to take that?" Minerva inquired somewhat choked.

Albus patted her hand.

"I hope the way I meant it. After all, we're good old friends and nothing more."

"You're my principal and my mentor," she added a little appeased. "Everything else is Codswallop."

Dumbledore nodded confirmative. "Yes, it is. But unfortunately they allow me no other affairs at all." He looked around pitiful. His gaze lingered on Severus.

"Be glad! They pinned an affair with Granger on me," Snape complained. "I have no idea who originally started this rubbish, but it really annoys me! Granger and I – Humph!" Irritated he pushed back a strand of hair from his forehead.

"Although you'd make a good couple," McGonagall teased.

Snape threw her his famous death-glare.

"Don't mind me, Minerva," he snarled. "That's pure idiocy!"

"Why? Because of the age difference?"

"Well, at least it wouldn't be as large as it would be between her and you, Minerva," he remarked spiteful.

McGonagall turned pale. "What? Hermione – and me?"

Dumbledore leaned forward interested:

"What did I just hear? You got a thing with Hermione?"

"No, I have not," was the sharp reply. "As if I ever started something with a student!" Filled with indignation she slammed her hand on the table, before she mumbled bashfully: "Even though that thought isn't nearly as terrible, come to think about it."

That comment was too quiet to be heard by all and Dumbledore ignored it deliberately while Snape grinned triumphantly and flashed her an insinuating glance.

Lupin, who had noted that, inquired thereupon:
"And what is it I hear about you?"

He looked from Snape to McGonagall.

"There's probably some truth in that rumour about your hot carry-on!"

"What?!" They shouted in unison.

"Yes," Lupin said sneering, "apparently you're Snape's one and only secret love. And I don't want to go into detail under which circumstances the both of you have fornicated... But I'm told the circumstances were quite eccentric."

After a moment of shock McGonagall leaned towards Dumbledore and whispered gleefully:
"At least my sexual life appears to be rather interesting compared to yours. After all, like three lovers!"

Snape's lips curled into a mysterious smile while he eyed up McGonagall intensively. The thought of an carry-on with her didn't seem to displease him entirely.

"That's all well and good," Madam Hooch rose to speak, "but what can I say? Supposedly I'm just riding my broom, engage myself with Quidditch and if – if! - I'm allowed to have a carry-on, it's always just Remus or Minerva. No offence. However, I find I'm always portrayed rather one-dimensional. And yet I'm so much more! I love opera, I grow orchids, but nobody thinks it worth mentioning! Who cares? Nobody! And I find it unfair!"

Argus Filch who had entered the room during these talks, gave her a warm smile and agreed:
"You're damn right! They treat me as bad! If I read this stories, I always find myself cleaning, my dearest hobby is torturing the students and my only relationship is to my cat Mrs. Norris. Why doesn't anyone write that I love dancing and that I collect stamps? I'm even a ballroom dancer, but that's totally uninteresting as well. I'm always just the stupid horrible caretaker with the hideous haircut!"

"Speaking of haircut," Snape was heard again, "that's another story!"

Why can't they once for all figure out if my hair is greasy or silky and shiny?"

McGonagall glanced critically at his scalp hair. "Definitely greasy, Severus," she commented dryly.

Snape scowled.

"You wait until the next I come across you in your feline form," he threatened her, what she answered with a sickly sweet smile:
"And then what? Do you pet behind my ears again? I do know that you happen to like cats."

A soft blush crept into Snape's face. "No, I do not like cats," he hissed back. "They always demolish everything. And if you again grind your claws at my desk I'll take you for a ride!"

McGonagall put on an air of dignity and replied:

"Then in future you'll have to forgo my visits."

"If you'd like me to, I could pet you behind your ears, Minerva," a young pale guy with a turban proposed.

"Quirrel? What are you doing here? You already bought the farm during the first book!" Snape was puffed up and flashed his former or late colleague a venomous glance who nodded sheepishly and crept crestfallen out of the staff lounge. Minerva looked after him.

"Actually it was a nice offer," she found and looked at Snape angrily.

"Typical for you that you bloody misanthrope had to torpedo it!"

"I'm sorry, Minerva. But as you know I didn't stylized myself as a crock."

"But you have nothing against it," she countered and poked her tongue at him.

"Oh guys! You should have taken a leaf out of my book! I've wanted to be written out of the story at the end of book five and I was."

All heads turned towards the door to look at the newcomer.

"Sirius!" Remus stood up and embraced his old friend. "How are you? You look good!"

Black nonchalantly pushed a stroke of hair from his tanned face.

"I've been on vacation, on Fuerteventura. Wouldn't do you bad, Severus. You're somewhat green about the gills!"

Dumbledore tilted ably on his chair and watched the scene around him with apparent pleasure. He just liked it when his colleagues bickered and annoyed each other. It was decidedly more fun than to scrabble about the pensieve or to head a secret society.

"And I dare say, your example is catching on," Snape retorted slightly acid. With that he gained the undivided attention of the attendant crowd who looked at him questioningly.

"Our headmaster here negotiated with the authoress, too and had himself written out of the story line."

This information knocked them all for a loop. Dumbledore nodded affirmative.

"We reached an agreement. Severus will kill me to help the order and spare me an outrageous death. I'll go down as a fighter for the good cause and bite the dust on a grand scale. And then I'll go on vacation before I hire myself out to Her Majesty's intelligence service. By now I am practised in secret operations."

He struck an attitude.

"First I die a hero in our world and then I'll go to protect the Muggle world."

Since everyone was staring at Dumbledore most people missed Filch and Madam Hooch skive off tacitly.

Only Minerva with her sharp ears heard something that sounded like "Ballroom dance competition", "Showing my trophies" and "Bought a new CD of 'Let's Dance'". She turned back her attention towards Dumbledore who still waffled on and just maundered something about "for the good cause" and swaggered about his previous heroic deeds.

Remus looked at him glass-eyed and nodded every so often, but she noticed that he was absent-minded. Minerva nudged him with her elbow and whispered:
"Sounds like Lockhart, doesn't he?"

Remus giggled which earned him an interested look from Sirius. Finally Dumbledore strutted away with dramatically flaunting robes and left his audience behind. They looked at each other.

"What the heck was that all about?" Sirius asked confused.

"He probably figured out that he could get a look-in with some of the other agents and lend them a hand," McGonagall said nonchalantly, "or something else."

"Minerva!" Snape looked at her punitive.

"Well, it's true, isn't it? He's got no opportunities whatsoever around here," she defended herself.

"Well, he's right," Snape admitted and rose. "I'm going to die a tragic death in book seven, after my past was uncovered. Perhaps then I shall have my peace."

„I don't think so, they're much too obsessed with you," Sirius commented Snape's wishful thinking. „Even though I fail to understand it," he added in a low voice and flashed a knowing look at Remus, before he told him more about his extended vacation.

Shortly after, Lupin jumped up as well.

"I have to talk with that woman – Joanne - immediately! She has to write me out of the story line as well."

„When you all bail out there won't be another book," McGonagall objected.

„So what?" It sounded in unison from all sides.

"Haven't you had enough already?"

"Yes, but the school..."

"This school is just a fiction," she was shouted down.

"So why do we still hold our meetings? And why are we still sitting here?"

"Legitimate question," Snape snarled. "What a waste of time!"

With his robe impressively billowing he walked towards the door.

"I'm going for a drink! Who wants to join me?"

Ten seconds later the teacher's lounge was completely deserted, because all of them hopped off into the "Hog's Head".

And because they all slipped away, there won't be any more Harry Potter books.

Logical, is it not?

End