Disclaimer: Like always no character is owned, likewise names and titles. Enjoy and leave a review. I plan on installing smaller stories connecting to this one if people like it.
Author's Update and Note: Yes, I'm fully aware the proper holiday is St. White's Day and not Valentines. Reason for this is to delve into a more familiar holiday without explanations and for the sake of story telling. I'm also aware there's no couch (or visible one) in the actual apartment but for the sake of storytelling let's pretend there is one. I do not mind corrections but the story is about their romance and that is what the focus is. Thanks to whom have stated these errors but I would like to clarify the story is heavily based on their relationship and not about surroundings. The gist (theme) is pretty much the same and the underlying message is still the same. Thanks and enjoy.
BitterSweet
Asuka stared with great hate at Shinji; her grip on her cherry soda can tightened causing the sound of aluminum metal to buckle. Shinji kept his gaze on his plate trying to ignore her; he could feel her temper begin to palpitate from her radiant blue eyes. He knew why she was angry but he didn't want to acknowledge his mistake. He thought if he could just pretend to not remember and she might do the same, however, it wasn't going the way he had hoped.
It was a Saturday morning, the glow of the sun hovered into the apartment and the silence that ensued only added to the tenseness that lingered between them. He finished his breakfast, stale bread with a side of rice, and lifted himself to head into the kitchen. As he did so he could fee lAsuka's eyes following him, hoping he thought, that he would do something to bring back the hellish subject of yesterday.
Valentine's Day.
He tried to forget what happened but his mind could only center on the quiet sobs he had heard that night in his room. He couldn't sleep afterwards, the power of guilt, even though, he thought, wasn't supposed to be, was still clinging to the back of his mind like a parasite. It was hard to feel guilt because of her but despite that he could feel a part of his heart regret what he had done, he couldn't even bring himself to look in the mirror that morning.
He finished washing his dish and slipped into his bedroom where he dressed himself. Staying in the apartment, he knew, would only cause more problems so his best bet was to escape. He threw on his blazer and poked his head from his bedroom door. He didn't want Asuka to know he was trying to leave; she could use that as a reason to explode on him again. He noticed she was sitting on the couch, her eyes narrow and her brows lowered to a dangerous angle, however, her attention was diverted and this was his chance to make a clean getaway.
"Where are you going?"
Shinji felt his stomach fall to the floor.
He said to her: "Going for a walk."
"Why?" she replied, he sighed, her conversations were nothing short of cryptic messages just waiting for him to try to decipher. What the hell do you mean why?
"It's nice outside," he said, "Why spend it here?"
He knew he had picked the wrong words when she blasted him with, "What's wrong being here? Is it because I'm here?" She was now standing, her long vanilla legs trembling in anger…or was it… fear?
He then said: "Do you even want me here?"
Silence pursued, her blue eyes shot out a glare of immense hostility but also a stare of intense hurt. He could see her strong façade slowly begin to melt away. She sat back down and looked away from him.
"Fine," she finally said, "Go."
Shinji clasped the door handle and turned it; he looked behind him and felt himself well with sorrow as he watched her shoulders begin to fall and rise frantically.
--
Asuka heard the door close and immediately she felt her eyes pour. She clutched the side of the couch with all her might and buried her face into the cushions. She hated him, she wished he was dead, she wished she could have gone up to him and made him bleed. Her anger seeped through, she could hear herself cursing hysterically but the actual words were muffled by the sofa cushions. How could he be so stupid? How could he have done what he had done?
Suddenly, she heard the front door open again and could hear the clicking of high heels against the floors signaling Misato's return from NERV. Asuka immediately wiped her face and drool from her chin and rested her sore gaze at the television.
"Hey, Asuka," said Misato as she dropped her belongings on table. Asuka said nothing as she tried desperately to conceal her reddish eyes. She didn't want to explain anything; she just didn't have the strength. She waited, hoping Misato would leave just as fast as she came so she could resume her emotional drive; however, it wasn't going to be that easy.
Misato plopped herself beside Asuka, her uniform replaced by a pair of short jeans and tank top, a beer can in her long fingers and her hair tied in a ponytail. Asuka tried to pretend not to be annoyed but she couldn't help but ask, "What are you doing?"
Misato took a swig of her beer and crossed her legs and said: "Question is, not what I'm doing but rather, what's bothering you?"
Asuka felt her hand ball into a fist; she hated being read so easily and without even being looked at. She kept her stare at the television and said nothing.
"How long have you been living here, Asuka?" Misato asked her.
"Too long,"
"That means I know you by now, I can tell your different moods and this one right now is not a common one. What's eating you?"
"Nothing, I'm fine."
Misato sighed and said: "You're a horrible liar,"
"I try,"
Suddenly, Asuka noticed an unopened can of beer sitting on her lap, "Have some."
She couldn't figure out what kind of joke this was, she glanced at her guardian who was now sitting with her back against the couch arm rest and her body horizontal as if getting comfortable for a long discussion.
"Seriously, what are you doing?" asked Asuka as she held the can in her hands.
Misato replied, "You risk your life for the sake of humanity, I think you can handle a beer or two. Go on, I won't tell anyone if you don't."
Asuka looked down and nodded, she always wanted to try it. Flicking the can tab, the contents fizzled to the top, almost seeping over the edges she quickly caught it with her lips and tasted the somewhat bitter liquid, "It's gross."
Misato took a sip of her own and said: "Just drink it; you'll get to like it."
Asuka listened and took a proper sip, Misato continued: "Why were you crying?"
It was like a sting to Asuka, she hated letting someone listen to her weakness. She hated feeling she had lost control of the situation, "I wasn't crying. It was the TV."
Misato gestured her to take a sip and the red-head thusly did so, "Don't try to lie to me, I heard you right outside the door. I never heard you this upset, might as well do what girl's do and talk." Asuka stared at her for a moment and resumed examining the can in between her hands. She could easily say she could give Hikari a call but that would do nothing but confirm she was feeling like crap. She cupped her lips around the rim of the beer and drank plentiful.
"It's about that idiot, Shinji," she finally admitted. Misato nodded her head. Surely she already knew that, "He's the last person I would think would hate me."
"Why do you say that? I was under the impression that he was quite fond of you." Asuka could hear the no-you-got-it-all-wrong tone in her voice and frowned.
She took a sip and said, "It has to do with yesterday."
"Valentine's Day," Misato said quickly. Asuka cringed, "What happened yesterday?"
"Fine, I'll tell you."
--
"Shinji?"
"Yeah, Asuka?"
The crickets created a symphony of music outside his bedroom window and at nights like this he would forgo his cassette player and listen. It was ironic, he thought, on a night where he didn't have his headphones in; Asuka would want to talk to him. He couldn't help but wonder if she came to his door every night to see if he was listening to his music player. Shinji guessed it was around midnight, the light of the moon entered and cascaded a pane of bright white on him. He found it odd that Asuka of all people was standing at his door, her voice low, almost gentle.
"Do you mind if I come in?" she asked. Shinji felt himself feel strange, this was unlike her. He said she could and there he watched her slip into her bedroom closing the door quickly but quietly behind her. Shinji couldn't relent his stare; she leaned against his door, her long slender legs brightened by the moonlight. She wore a pair of short shorts and a long baggy t-shirt that he could've sworn did not belong to her.
"What's up?" he asked. She sat beside him, her legs crossed and her eyes set to the lap. He wasn't sure what to say next or if she even say anything.
"How long have we've been working together?" she asked him, her head still focused primarily at her crossed legs. Shinji thought for a moment.
"Wow, it seems like forever. We're lucky there hasn't been an Angel sighting in months. Why?" he asked her now intrigued by the direction of the conversation. She shrugged and suddenly lied down beside him, her long hair forming a pool of darkened red around her head. Shinji said nothing; his heart forbade his voice from speaking. The moment was something he had always wanted, and yet, he felt would never get. She just laid there, words unspoken, her sharp blue eyes maintaining a contest with the ceiling.
"Um… Asuka?" his voice mustered to say. Asuka's index finger rose to her lips giving him a "be quiet" gesture. He obeyed trying to figure out her plan.
She said to him: "Am I a bitch?"
Shinji fought the almost uncontrollable urge to say "yes" but he wasn't willing to place himself in a position to become a newly fashioned target for her. He swallowed and said: "You can be overwhelming sometimes."
A smile overcame Asuka, "So I am, huh?"
He said nothing.
She patted the space between her and him and said: "Relax, I just want to talk." He eyed her skeptically and shifted towards her effectively crossing the threshold between friend and lovers. They lied side by side, the silence was deafening, and even the crickets seemed to anxiously wait for the next move.
"Shinji?" she said.
"Yeah?"
"Have… have you ever been far with a girl?"
"Well… uh…"
"Don't tell me you've never done anything," she said in a mocking tone, "Have you kissed a girl besides me that one time?"
"No," he admitted feeling heat rush to his cheeks. She got to her elbows and leaned over him. Her eyes reflected off the moonlight.
She kissed him.
"Don't get any ideas; I'm just preparing you for other girls. Think of it as you owe me."
She suddenly shot up to her feet and headed for the door but the moment her hand touched the door handle, Shinji said: "Asuka?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you do that to help me or do you do that for your own reason?"
"Do what?"
"You know what I mean, kissing me," he said, "I don't get it,"
"There's nothing much to get," she said, "You owe me for helping you."
Something in Shinji made him want more answers, he kept continuing into dead ends when he knew very well there was so much more to it. He got to his knees and grabbed her free hand and said: "Tell me what you're planning? You always do this to me, why do you do things like that?"
She pulled away but Shinji didn't relinquish his hold on her. The two of them struggled and as Asuka tried to gain leverage her feet became intertwined with the bed sheets causing her to lose balance. They both gasped and then came a sudden thud.
There they were, one on top of the other. Shinji and Asuka stared at one another, eye to eye. He could feel her breasts fitting into the grooves of his chest and she could feel his groin hovering above her pelvis. It was an incredibly tense moment but also a very intimate one. He was prepared for a slap in the face or a barrage of curses but none of that came. Instead he felt her lips encase his, at first he couldn't understand what was happening, rather, was it really happening?
He smelled her, she smelled of a honey based shampoo no doubt she used religiously. Her lips were warm and each kiss she stole from him sent a rush of pure ecstasy running through his brittle veins. As each second passed she became more aggressive and more wanting, she began to nibble at his lips and soon began to engulf him. Her hands shot up to his head and began to lace themselves within his brown hair. He could feel her breathing begin to grow unsteady and before he knew it he was mimicking every single thing she was doing. It was like someone literally flipped a switch within awakening months of suppressed feelings.
She had to be honest with herself, she felt like an idiot. She felt her inner wants and emotions begin to claw at her façade like a beast through a paper thin wall and there was nothing she could do to force it back into submission.
Then everything stopped.
Asuka rose to her feet and turned to the door, not a single word escaping her moist lips. Shinji stared, a sudden rush of frustration rose within him. He felt used as always, she had always used him some way or another for a certain purpose but to what extent he could never find out. He tried to reach out for her, to make her stay, but she used her nimble physique to squeeze through the door and out into the hall. He suppressed his urge to follow and sat there. Something told him his relationship with Asuka just became even more complex.
That morning Shinji walked alone to school, he noticed Asuka's bedroom door opened and all her school belongings had vanished indicating she had left before him. He walked slowly, he normally didn't have any need to get to school in any time frame but now his stomach ushered in a sense of anxiety. He didn't know what would meet him when he got there. Would it be an angry Asuka? A happy one? Would she ignore him? Would she be nice? He sighed. The most annoying thing about her was that her personality was hard to predict and even harder to understand. It could go either way.
He found himself moments later roaming the corridors and routinely taking the same route he had always done. Once he reached his class he noticed an army of eyes staring at him and then at the red-headed girl sitting towards the back of the room as if they could sense a sudden shift in power. Shinji glanced at Asuka who did nothing but exhume her supplies out of her bag. She seemed not to notice anyone and her expression was dull as if she was lost in her own mind. His stomach tensed but he managed to find the strength to sit down. Today was going to be hell.
Lunch period came, everyone stood to leave to their own separate locations but he always found it suitable to stay at his desk. From the corner of his eye he could see Hikari, Asuka's best friend, walk up to her and ask her to join her for lunch like normal.
He was stunned when she said "no".
He was also surprised how easily Hikari submitted to the rejection and vanished, leaving Asuka and him completely alone in the room. He sat a row ahead of her but he did not dare look back. He didn't want to escort a random assortment of curses and belittling phrases for just a mere glance. He placed his bag on his desk and began to withdraw random supplies, his appetite was scarce and he needed something to keep himself busy until the period was over.
Suddenly, Asuka hovered beside him. His head jerked towards her and he felt himself nearly fall from his seat. That was a nasty habit she possessed and it always made him uneasy. She pushed his things off the desk and said nothing as she sat herself where his things once were. Shinji stared; he could see her bare thigh flesh only inches from him.
She then said to him: "You hungry?"
He wasn't but he didn't want to say no either. She still maintained a void expression on her face but she whipped her own bag off her shoulder and dug into it. Shinji watched in fascination, what was she planning? She pulled out a plastic bin, within it was several homemade items, and she sat it right in front of him and pried the lid off letting the mouthwatering aroma to seep out. Shinji was beyond amazed, how she of all people could prepare something so extravagant when she herself couldn't pour cereal without getting it everywhere?
Before he could ask she said: "I came early and had one of those cooking students help me make this. A little persuading never hurt anyone." Shinji wholeheartedly doubted she did a "little" persuading, he could imagine her grabbing the collar of some poor kid and threatening them with her mighty fist but there was no use trying to think of it now.
He couldn't help but ask, "Why are you doing this for me?"
He finally managed to get an expressional response from her but not necessarily the one he was looking for. She eyed him angrily and took the bin and said: "If you don't want it then give it back… moron."
He blinked; at least she wasn't too far off from her original self.
She got herself up from the desk and replaced the bin before him. She went back into her bag and took out a small envelope and handed it to him.
"What's this?" he asked.
She looked away, clearly uneasy about talking about it, "Um, just show up if you want. Tomorrow's Valentine's Day and I thought it would… be nice…" Without saying another word she bolted from the room. Shinji felt as if he had stepped into the wrong dimension and was witnessing an alternate reality. The envelope he held was thin; he lifted the tab and took out two tickets.
"A concert? Seriously?"
Asuka punched her locker furiously, her bag fell to the ground and all her books shuffled out. She buried her face in her hands and said to Hikari, "Why the hell did you make me do that?"
Her friend responded, "Relax, if he's smart he'll get the hint. It's only embarrassing because you're not used to doing something like that." She tried to take in what she said as truth but another point entered her thoughts.
"But that's not me," she said, "He knows something's off, that's not me. I'm not nice to him! Especially about last ni-"
Asuka cupped her mouth, her blue eyes enlarged as she slowly turned her gaze to Hikari who starred with a curious expression.
"What did happen last night?" she asked Asuka. Asuka sighed and stared miserably at the ceiling of the girl's locker room.
"Nothing," she lied. Hikari wasn't satisfied but knew a losing battle when she saw one. She further explained to Asuka the reasoning behind her plan. As far as Asuka was concerned, Hikari was the only one who knew of her feelings for Shinji.
Hikari then said: "Listen, it's really not that hard. Just get to the boardwalk and wait for him. You told him to show up and when he does it will just be the two of you. No interruptions. You can be yourself."
Asuka stared.
"Well…" Hikari continued, "To some extent."
Shinji didn't go straight home that afternoon, he took a detour into the city with Toji, a once feared enemy turned friend. Recently the two of them had been hanging around the arcade with a bunch of other guys but for some odd reason they found each other discussing more personal matters than usual. He wasn't particularly surprised when Toji told him he had a crush on Hikari. Shinji had always suspected it but never shared his opinion in fear he might tear the delicate friendship fabric they began to weave.
Toji began to play one of the arcade games Shinji recognized. It was the same one he always played when he was in the mood to have a long discussion. Shinji could feel the topic was going to hover over Valentine's Day and Hikari.
"You think she said anything about me yet?" asked Toji who gathered several quarters from his back pocket.
Shinji couldn't help but feel useless. "I don't know. She never really talks to me."
The jock merely sneered, "Oh come on. You can't tell me Asuka never tells you anything?"
It was just then Shinji could feel the outline of the concert tickets burning at his back pocket, maybe Toji would be better explaining the scenario to him. He placed his bag beside him and inserted several of his own credits into the machine beside Toji and began to play.
"Speaking of Asuka, have you noticed she's been… a little… different?" he asked.
This didn't seem to perk up anything out of the normal because Toji quickly answered, "Not really. She's been her normal bitchy self, especially this morning. She looked wild." Shinji's mind quickly hovered back to last night. His blood began to heat up.
"What do you mean?"
"I tried to avoid her but before I could she grabbed me and asked me what time the student kitchen opens. Dunno what that meant but I told her. She looked more like a mess than usual." No doubt, Shinji thought, she was trying to find someone to help her prepare that lunch she had given him. The thought of Asuka waking up early on his behalf sent a mixed emotion of worry and flattery. Shinji dug into his pocket and took out the tickets Asuka had given him and blindly held it towards Toji who eyed them.
"Dude, I don't float that way," he said bluntly. Shinji's head immediately leaned forward and banged into the game machine's window.
He retorted, "It's not for you. Asuka gave them to me."
From the corner of his eye Shinji could see the words "Game Over" on Toji's screen. Clearly he said something that stunned him. The jock calmly spun around and leaned on the machine and stared, his face trying to conceal a look of shock and amazement.
"Let me get this straight," he began, "Are you telling me Asuka, the 'Red-Devil', the one that sits behind you in class and kills with looks alone… gave you these tickets?"
Shinji could understand his skepticism but there wasn't any way around it.
"Yeah, she did. Right after she gave me lunch."
"WHAT?"
Shinji wished he hadn't said that. The eyes of random arcade goers were hovering towards them. "It's not a big deal. She just made me lunch and gave me these tickets."
Toji quickly snatched the tickets and inspected them. His eyes grew.
"Do you realize these are for a concert right?"
"Yeah, I know."
"Did she give you these to hold onto for the both of you or did she give you them to take someone you want?" The thought hadn't crossed Shinji's mind. Was it for him to keep and take whomever he pleased? Did she intend for him to take her? She didn't say.
"All she said was to show up," he told Toji.
The jock was now too entranced to play his game anymore, "Well, are you?"
Shinji eyed the tickets and thought. He hadn't even contemplated on going. He was so distracted by her behavior he hadn't even decided whether or not he was going to continue following along. He sighed and rested his eyes on his shoes. Why couldn't anything be simple?
Shinji returned to the apartment in the early evening, his mind was nothing short of a mess trying to organize its deepest conflicts. He was grateful to learn Asuka wasn't home. This could grant him even more time to think. He made his way into his room where he threw his things onto the ground and flung himself into his cot. Dusk was beckoning and the soft breeze of early night soothed him. It wasn't long until he found himself in a deep sleep.
Asuka and Hikari stopped right outside the apartment door. They had been discussing her next code of movement. Asuka being the one who didn't know how to get things the proper way relied heavily on her friend who happily explained. It was an odd thing for Asuka to be given lessons, her pride was already suffering a blow for even asking Hikari to help her but she even knew herself she would chase Shinji away.
"Don't get yourself so worked up; it's not that difficult," Hikari assured her, "just follow your instinct. You might be bad at getting guys but you're still a girl. You have insight and intuition. Just play it the way you think it's gonna play and I'm sure he'll see it."
Asuka hated to be left with instructions, she was never good at following them to the letter the way she knew it was supposed to be. She sighed, how did she even get to this point? The very thought of last night sent a sickening feeling in her stomach. She felt so awkward afterwards and the only reason she had the guts to make that damn lunch and give him those tickets was because of Hikari. If it was up to her she would force Shinji to give her what she wanted, but somehow, that didn't seem to be the right option.
"Why do I even care?" she found herself saying.
Hikari didn't recognize the rhetorical question and answered: "Because you like him. I guess it can't be helped. You guys have been living with one another for nearly a year and a half. I guess that counts for something." And with that she left. Asuka sighed heavily and opened the door to the apartment. It was quiet and all the lights were out. No one's home, she thought. She walked into her room and dropped her things which consisted of random bags filled with stationary supplies. Hikari had told her to write letters to express herself considering she had zero ability to do it verbally. She felt like a puppet being strung around. All of this felt weird, she wasn't this girly and even if she was this took it to a whole new level. She lied herself down and stared at the ceiling.
She had liked Shinji for quite a while, although, she did not know it. It took Hikari's masterful question asking skills to weed it out of her and when she finally admitted it the answers stunned her too. When she thought about it, she often found herself giving Shinji excuses to pry his affection. For some reason his opinion mattered the most to her and when he complimented her she could feel her spirits lift. It was an odd feeling but something she couldn't ignore. However, trying to express it had its downsides. She didn't know how and she didn't want to be vulnerable to rejection. She had no choice but to turn to Hikari who instantly bombarded her with suggestions. Nothing so far had been her own idea… besides last night.
Her ears perked when she heard snoring. Lifting herself out of bed she could hear the snoring coming from the next room. She was slightly surprised Shinji was fast asleep this whole time. He looked… rather cute like that. She shook her head, she was succumbing to that girly feeling, and she grew to dislike it. It made her vulnerable.
Then he mumbled: "Asuka,"
She felt her heart skip a beat. Was he dreaming about her? She couldn't help but slip into the room and sit at the foot of his cot. She was curious to find out if she would hear anything more. She still didn't know if Shinji felt her same feelings. Maybe this would be a good way of finding out.
But after several minutes of sitting there quietly, all she got was more snoring.
She buried her face in her hands. You're more than an idiot, she told herself, you're completely insane. She took a deep breath and continued her gaze on the sleeping Shinji. "You know, it's funny. I thought you were a complete moron the moment I met you."
The room was silent.
She continued: "I thought you were this shy, poor excuse for a pilot, little boy who knew nothing about the Eva's. I never thought I would fall for someone like you."
Shinji replied with a parade of snoring effects, Asuka felt at ease, the feeling of confessing was addicting and knowing the person she was confessing to couldn't hear her only eased the anxiety she felt.
"But," she said, "the more I was around you the more I allowed myself to make mistakes. I saw how many you've made and no one really got on your case about them. When I made a mistake it was the same, but, I was the only one who couldn't live it down. Even when I did make a mistake you were there to help. I didn't even have to force you. You were just… there."
She stared at the sleeping boy; the crickets began to ease their song into the background.
"I had no one to understand me. It's funny; someone like you can understand someone like me. You could do something I thought was impossible for others. You're so dumb that even my biggest mistakes and blunders don't seem to faze you. I can make mistakes around you. I can be human around you, I don't have to pretend. I don't have to put a wall up, because every time I do, you find a way to make me lower it."
She felt a rush of emotional pain wash over her; never in her life could she admit her faults. It was like admitting to herself she was weak. But sitting here, with the one person who thought otherwise, made her feel empowered. Was this why she had fallen for Shinji?
The next thing that happened was completely out of instinct. She lied beside Shinji; slipping her legs underneath the sheets with him and sliding her arms under his in a pseudo embrace. She could smell his scent; it wasn't a brutal smell like a whiff from the boy's locker room. His was more gentle and soothing. She nuzzled her nose behind the back of his neck causing him to move slightly in his slumber. She wondered how long she could stay like this before he noticed and awoke. At this point, she didn't care, she enjoyed this, and she didn't want to give it up.
"I want to be the only one who makes fun of you," she whispered gently, "If anyone is going to call you names it's going to be me."
Did he love her the way she was beginning to love him?
"I want to tell you everything tomorrow night, when we go. I want you to know from me. I know I'm going to screw it up somehow but knowing you… I think you can understand."
That morning Shinji awoke, he stretched and released a mighty yawn and gazed sleepily at the ceiling. He felt strangely happy but he couldn't figure out the root cause of it. He turned in his cot and for some odd reason felt as if something was missing. His head instinctively turned to the side and what he found was interesting.
Several strands of red hair.
He blinked.
Since when were long strands of red hair commonplace in his room? He shook his head; he suddenly remembered a vivid dream he had had. It had a lot to do with Asuka and he could have sworn she was talking to him but as to what he couldn't decipher. His eyes slowly found their way to a hanging calendar right above his alarm clock.
Valentine's Day.
His heart sank and suddenly the thoughts of yesterday filled him with complete dread. He still had no clue what he was going to do. There was no school today so that left him time to think but it didn't give him forever. He pulled himself together and peered out his bedroom. He could hear the television in the living room, someone was there but whom?
He didn't make it a goal to find out, he needed to decide. He quickly changed clothes and slipped quietly out of his bedroom. He made it to the front door but once he opened it his heart sank.
There stood Asuka, in her hands large grocery bags.
She stared at him, an expressionless stare on her face.
"Good, you can help me unpack this crap. Misato had me make a run since you were too busy getting your beauty sleep," she said. Shinji's head turned slowly to the living room where Misato sat lazily on the couch, a beer clutched in her hand.
He submitted and without another word helped Asuka with the task. He could feel her eyes on him but he didn't grant her the same respect. He couldn't figure her out. He was more confused about everything. Asuka had a weird way of telling him what she felt and the other night was a perfect example. She kissed him, a kiss he still couldn't shake off but what did it mean? She never relayed any of her true notions in his direction. She had acted completely out of the norm yesterday, something she would never do or at least on purpose. Something felt out of place, was she trying to play a joke on him?
Once all the groceries were away he headed for the door again but again something forbade him from making his escape.
"Where are you going?" asked Asuka. Shinji stood at the doorway unable to answer such a simple question.
He stumbled through his response: "Going for a walk."
"You remember we have… somewhere to be later on tonight right?" she asked, her voice careful to pick the right words. Shinji felt as if he had been dipped in a vat of sub-zero water. He couldn't find his voice to speak, he couldn't figure out if the invitation was legit or another scheme of hers to get something from him.
"I think so," he said, with that he disappeared. Asuka could only stare at the closed apartment door, she felt stung and somewhat apprehensive. She had a feeling she went wrong somewhere.
Shinji walked aimlessly through the city not caring where he went and whom he met. He just wanted to figure out what the hell was going on. He found himself sitting on a bench on the outskirts of a park. He watched as couples began to walk idly down the streets seemingly oblivious to everything but their significant other. He wondered how that felt, to be so in tuned with someone so much that nothing outside his vision mattered. He thought back to his mother and father, a relationship he couldn't salvage nor one that made any sense. Maybe that was why he couldn't really find it within himself to find that relationship with Asuka. He always thought she hated him, after so long he learned to accept the way she was and played it as if that was the norm. He never really thought of her as a potential interest but always held her away from the way he thought of others. He liked other girls in class, Hikari being a distant admission to this, but for some reason, Asuka was always an exception. Their relationship was complex, everyone knew that but he knew some of his friends felt it was only a matter of time before things got closer but as to when it was anyone's guess.
From the corner of his eye he saw someone approach him, "You decided you're going yet?"
Shinji shook his head, "No, I don't know. How do I know that she's not just being nice and wants to use me?"
Toji sat beside him, his hands buried in his jacket pockets, his head cocked upward and staring at the rustling tree that towered over them. "Don't know what to tell you, it's Asuka. She's not the easiest. I wouldn't go."
Shinji shot him a look of curiosity.
"Why wouldn't you?"
"Think about it, it could all be a trick. You know her more than any of us. She has weird ways and she probably could be using you as rebound."
"Rebound?"
"You know, she probably liked some other dude and he turned her down. Knowing her she probably couldn't live with that. She could be just using you so she doesn't feel like she was at a complete loss. That's what guys do all the time," he said. Shinji thought of it, it made some sense. Every time she did something out of the ordinary it could constitute as frustration for not getting what she originally wanted from someone else. He remembered the time she had tricked him into kissing her; holding his nose in order to force him to kiss her open mouthed. Now when he looked back at it she merely used an excuse to get him to do it. What was the excuse the other night?
"I'm preparing you for other girls… think of it as you owe me."
This wouldn't be the first time she made him do something he wasn't sure of. It was like whenever it suited her she could devise some excuse for her own needs. Something about that made him angry.
Toji noticed his friend standing, his gaze in avoidance: "Shinji?"
"You're right; it's probably her just using me like she always does," he said, "Anything you wanna do now?"
"Well, I dropped off Hikari's V-Day gift so I have nothing else to do. What do you have in mind?" he asked. Shinji pulled out the tickets Asuka had given him.
"Wanna go see a concert?"
Shinji opened the door to the apartment later that night. He checked the time before he and Toji parted ways. One in the morning, good thing he had his NERV I.D. Curfew was nothing more than a technicality. He walked in, the lights were off, and no doubt Misato had vacated the apartments hours ago. He stepped in and the moment he had done so he was soon flung off his feet. He felt a devastating surge of pain erupt on the side of his face instantly knocking him off balance and tumbling furiously onto the floor. He gasped in pain; he tasted copper between his lips. He tried to see who had punched him but he next thing he knew he felt someone mount him, his assailant's entire weight on his chest and a flurry of punches reigning down on him. He tried his best to deflect most of the blows but to no avail. Then as quickly as they began to unleash on him the punches subsided and then a sudden burst of sobs came. It took Shinji several moments to realize it was a feminine whimper.
He coughed: "Asuka?"
He felt a line of knuckles side swipe his jaw forcing him to grunt in pain. He cupped his mouth and could feel blood pour from his nose. Coughing again he managed to sit up realizing Asuka had released him and retreated. The pain wasn't as bad as it seemed, he learned over the course of a year to take pain so this was relatively weak compared to what he had to endure. However, blood was spilled and he could very well tell it was his fault entirely. He sat up in the darkened hall, blood trickling down his nose using his sleeves as a napkin. He didn't feel angered by the assault, if anything he felt as if he deserved it. He had a feeling Asuka would be mad at him and he was willing to face it but he hadn't expected this much aggression.
He walked into the bathroom and began to wipe the blood from his face. He looked in the mirror and noticed the shower curtain was trembling. Then a series of forceful suppressed whimpers followed.
I'm so fucked up, he thought.
He sat at the lip of the bathtub, he could tell she was using every ounce of her strength to silence herself but the devastation she felt clearly trumped her emotions. It was gut wrenching to find out this way that she was being completely legit. Did this mean she really did have honest feelings for him? Something about that felt strangely odd but also felt welcoming.
"Asuka… I…"
Her voice was hoarse and completely laced with poison: "Don't fucking talk to me."
He took in a breath, repairing what he had done was going to be a journey in on itself.
"I had no idea this meant that much to you," he said desperately.
Suddenly he heard her fist strike the side of the tub, the sound of tiny porcelain shards hitting the bottom of the bathtub echoed.
"I don't fucking care," she whimpered, "Just get out and shut the door!"
He stood feeling the pang of defeat sweep him, he was about to exit the bathroom when suddenly his instincts took over.
He said: "Why didn't you tell me directly?"
She seemed to submit, her emotions getting the better of her, "Because I didn't want to be turned down by an idiot like you!"
"Why do you confuse me? One moment we are kissing and the next your calling me names!" he said feeling the pressure of anger rise.
Suddenly Asuka tore the shower curtain away, her eyes red and her cheeks drenched: "Because I'm lost!"
"What?"
"You think this is fucking easy for me?! You think my life has been easy?! I lost everything, I don't even know what real love is, and I don't know how to express it! Is it so hard to imagine I might have a thing for you?" she bellowed. Shinji just stood there, stunned. He hadn't thought of it that way, "None of this was my plan. Hikari helped me do all of it, I listened to her, look where the hell that got me."
--
Misato stared and nodded slowly. She took the story in but made no effort to state her thoughts. Asuka was staring at the television unknowingly allowing her tears to fall. She had already had her pride trampled on; there was nothing else to hide. Misato got to her feet.
"Shinji, come out now," she said. Asuka's ears perked and she immediately shot her guardian a look of betrayal. Shinji walked out from the hall, his head hung low and his eyes avoiding hers. He had heard a large portion of her side of the tale.
"He told me a lot of what happened last night, I just wanted to hear yours," and with that she went to another room.
It was just the two of them now.
"How long have you been listening?" she asked him, she did not dare steal a glance.
He responded: "Not long."
"Liar,"
"Can you blame me?"
"No."
"I'm sorry for last night, I really am," he said.
She nodded, "I don't care. It wasn't my idea anyway."
"I figured as much,"
"Remember when I asked you if I was a bitch?"
"Yeah?"
"I really didn't care what others thought of me. I only asked you that because I wanted to know what you really thought. I wanted to know what you thought of me."
"I don't think you're as bad as others think,"
"I can be a bitch sometimes and I'm alright with that,"
Shinji couldn't help but smile.
"I'm glad you can be so neutral about it."
"What else can I do?"
"You think this can work?"
Asuka stared, words seemingly lost in her throat.
"If you don't treat me right I'm going to kick your ass," she said a faint smile on her lips.
Shinji thought for a moment.
"I guess I can take my chances,"
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