Music of The Heart
Set just after "Witch
Hunt"
Exam leave was getting
tedious so I sat down and wrote this, it's quite short, very light and set
against the backdrop of some of my favourite songs. Make sure you read the song
lyrics though, because I know I sometimes skip over them and the fic doesn't
make a lot of sense without them…thanks…enjoy…
I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak, but I think your wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
now I'm relaxed
I can't be sure
(If you're gone –Matchbox Twenty)
Kerry:
You have
no idea how my life fell apart the moment you let those elevator doors close
between us. How if felt to finally have a wall between us that was tangible, visible,
instead of in my mind, invisible, undetectable, but still there, holding me
back, never letting myself get too deep, too involved.
It was
fear I felt when you let those doors close, fear of losing you, fear because no
matter how hard I'd tried you'd already penetrated my wall, I was already
involved, more deeply involved than I thought ever possible.
And now
you were gone.
I'd let
you slip through my fingers.
My teas gone cold I'm wondering why I,
Got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all
But even if I could it'd all be grey
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me
That it's not so bad, it's not so bad
(Thank you –Dido)
Kerry:
You used
to be my everything Kim. Every smile, every moment of happiness seemed to be
tipped on the scale that you balanced, you were my picture on my wall, the
light through the rain of my days, and now you're gone.
When the day is long
And the night,
The night is yours alone
And you're sure you've had enough
With this life
Hang on…
Don't let yourself go
Cause everybody cries
Everybody hurts
Sometimes
(Everybody Hurts –REM)
Kim:
I'm not sure you understand how difficult it was to let those
doors close between us that day. How it felt for me to let something like that
come between us, how it feels to lose you, how it feels to know you're not
going to knock on my door when you need a friend, need someone to hold, to
comfort you.
I need someone to be able to do that to me now Kerry.
And you're not here to return the favour.
You're not here.
And I need you.
When you're on your own
In this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much
Of this life
Hang on
Everybody hurts
Sometimes everybody cries
Everybody hurts
Sometimes
(Everybody Hurts –REM)
Kim:
I can still see your face, the expression you wore as I
pushed that elevator button. I can't explain it. I can see it, as clear as I
can see the sun as it falls through my curtains, but I'm damned if I can
understand it. There were so many emotions there Kerry, and I'm not sure if I
could identify a single one.
No, thinking about it I can identify one, one that if it
wasn't there it should have been, one that I know I'm feeling now.
Regret
I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
this in my life
I think I'm scared
I think too much
(If you're gone –Matchbox Twenty)
Kerry:
But
perhaps it wasn't my fault, I did all I could, I tried. You've already pushed
this further than I could ever have thought it could go. Beyond the realms of
friendship, beyond the boundaries of "a passing-fancy", beyond sex, into love.
Quite
frankly it scares me.
Why
don't you understand that?
Its
taken me so long to admit this, admit these feelings we share, become accustomed
to how different they are, admit my love for you to myself…and now you ask me
to admit before the people I work with? The people who I respect and who
respect me? People like Romano?
You
were asking too much, I wasn't ready.
Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Outta reach, so far
I never had your heart
Outta reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
(Outta Reach -Gabrielle)
Kim:
How did
I let this happen? How did I let myself fall for you? "My instincts are
normally better than this" -I remember telling you that the first night I
brought the subject of us up, I should have known then, should have known that
this was the way it was going to turn out, with me alone, nursing a broken
heart.
This, this livin' is strange
We count our feelings in yesterdays
Is that how you keep your clutch baby?
Is that how you keep it darlin'?
(Clutch –Shea Seger)
Kerry:
My shift was over an hour ago but I can't bring myself to
leave. I'm sat in the Doctors lounge, nursing a long-cold cup of coffee,
holding my head up high to keep from crying, not wanting to let anyone see me
so fragile, so delicate, so wounded. I want to go home but I know I won't be
able to bare it, an empty apartment, full of the things I have shared with you,
you who I've lost.
I replay the moment in front of Romano over and over in my
mind, devising things I could have said, should have said, to make the
situation better, to salvage your honour, your job, us. Each time I run through
the scene I come up with something bigger and better I could have said, I can
even think of a way of saying what I needed to say, without really saying it,
if you know what I mean.
I'm clinging to straws. No amount of mental editing can
change the past, I will always have made that mistake, and I will always have
lost you because of it.
