I'm not sure, but somehow I've wound up back at Hogwarts. The memory is one I have no trouble recalling, though it's certainly not my favourite. I find myself lifted upside down by the ankle, a trick pulled by James Potter to humiliate me, though he needn't do it in such a way.

In the memory, I see Lily Evans more clearly than I ever have before. Strange that she would be the one I would see this time, as I was never even aware that she had been present at that particular incident.

Anyway, Black and Lupin are standing with James and laughing with the crowd, and I know my face is getting hot, though I can't feel it in the memory.

In all honesty, I probably deserved much more than that for all the things I would go on to do in my life, most notable, the inability to protect Lily when He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named attacked Godric's Hollow on the night he fell. Maybe I would feel better about everything that happened back then if I had been able to protect her when she needed me the most. Or… Maybe I would just be worse off.

Regardless, when I look up from my memory, I see her green eyes staring back at me from beneath glasses that match the ones worn by James Potter in that memory, and I know that it was simply an illusion. "THAT'S ENOUGH, POTTER." I yell, shooing him out of my office. These Occlumency lessons were very trying, especially when they revealed to me the one thing I could never fix.

I went to tell her how I felt once… And I messed up horribly. More accurately, I had already waited too long.

"Lily, I really like you. More than that, I have serious feelings for you!" I said, feeling my face go red as the words left my mouth.

Lily gasped softly, covering her mouth with one hand before hugging me tightly. "Oh, Severus… Thank you for telling me, but… Severus, James asked me to marry him a week ago. I didn't think you felt anything for me, so I accepted. If I go back on that now… I simply can't." she replied, crushing my heart with a single word.

James…

Thinking about it for just a few seconds, I smile at her anyway. "Oh… I guess it would be rude to break it off now… Especially if you really have feelings for him, Lily. It's okay, I'll be fine. I'm happy for you, really."

Thinking back on it now, that was where I messed up the worst. If I had just made a complaint, or kissed her, or well, anything, things might have turned out differently. But no, here I am, potions master in a school full of students who hate me. And worse than that, I have to teach her son. I have to get up every day with the knowledge that I have to face her green eyes and be cruel. Because if I'm not cruel, what would I say?

If I wasn't the way I am with Harry, what horrible things would I say, what secrets would I give up?

I think it's high time to cancel these extra lessons. They've taken too much from me already, and I can't let him see more.

I simply can't allow it.