35-Year-Old-Virgin
Chapter One: Drink Up
The beginning may be a little rough due to new character introductions, but the ends a classic. Read on! =)
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Sasuke fiddled with his kunai, swinging it absentmindedly with his finger as he stared across the field at a group of women settling down for a picnic. Their long hair blew with the gentle wind. He could smell rice vinegar and barbequed fish.
A rock hit him sharply on the back of his head.
"Sasuke-sensei! How can we learn anything when you're always spacing out?" Kana scolded, picking up another rock and throwing it at him. Sasuke caught it with ease, tossing it to the ground.
Kana had her arms folded, Rena and Sachiko standing beside her. He was in charge of team 7, who were all fresh from their chunin examination.
"Sorry Kana- and it's Uchiha to you," Sasuke says, getting up from his spot on the grass. He rummaged in his pocket as he continued to speak. "Here's today's lesson…" he reveals two silver bells dangling from red strings. "Each of you must take a silver bell from me."
"Uchiha-sensei," Rena noted, "there are only two bells."
"I guess one of you's out of luck then." Sasuke jumped a foot away from the girls and held the two bells high up in the air. "Let the game begin!"
The three looked at each other, then charged at him. Even without his sharingan, their moves were predictable. He dodged them with ease, even managing to ruffle Kana's hair as he passed her and jumped up into a tree.
"Losing girl gets no lunch on me," Sasuke called out. This got their attention.
Not far, the real Sasuke laid back from behind a low hill, continuing his picnic watch. Kage bushin no jutsu had its many uses.
Their laughter and voices drifted with the gentle wind. He could see Sakura amongst them, eating a sandwich next to Hinata. How many years had she been married to Naruto now? How weird. She had spent so long loving him, he always thought that would never change.
Her wedding ring glistened in the sunlight and he couldn't help but feel a pang of envy. All those women, at one point -minus Hinata- had been in love with him. Now, he was no better than his brother. Crazed genius workaholic with antisocial tendencies and ostracized by most of the older generation for atrocities of the past. He was lucky that Naruto was the hokage or else he may as well been given death row.
Sakura noticed him and gave him a friendly wave. He returned the wave, feeling like a child given praise from a favourite teacher. He sometimes wished he hadn't taken his charmed looks for granted. Why didn't he try going out on a date? Talking to a girl? At the very least scoring with one. His first and only kiss was still from Naruto for christ's sake.
Silver bells rang in the distance. Sasuke looked up to find his clone flying through the air with three girls tailing him. This could be a while. Kana screamed in frustration, throwing kunais in his clone's general direction. All missed and hit a tree trunk. Sasuke felt his lips curl slightly into a shadow of a smile. For a moment, he saw Naruto in her enthusiasm. They were so uncoordinated back then, fighting more with themselves than trying to get the silver bells from Kakashi's swift hands.
After an hour longer with no luck, Sasuke decided to wrap the activity up. The women were already finished their picnic anyways.
"Okay girls, time's up," Sasuke called, catching the bells that his clone threw him before disappearing.
"What the-? No fair Sasuke-sensei! You were cheating!" Kana screamed, pointing a threatening finger at him.
"If you couldn't get the bells from my clone then you definitely wouldn't have been able to get it from me," Sasuke said, ruffling her hair once more. She shakes her head to get his hand away. "And it's Uchiha Kana. Let's go for sushi."
"I'll go home for lunch sensei," Rena said meekly, her cheeks glowing red. Sasuke gave himself a mental slap on the head.
"No, don't do that Rena. Lunch's on me- for cheating a little." Rena's face only glowed more, but she nodded.
"Damn right Sasuke-sensei! That'll teach you to be a cheater," Kana said, punching him playfully on the arm.
"Quiet Kana. You're too noisy- and it's Uchiha to you."
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Sasuke exited the sushi restaurant, waving goodbye to team 7 as they went the opposite direction. He strolled down New Konoha, admiring the scenery around him. There were still a few more hours of daylight left and he was at a lost with how to spend the rest of his day. There was always training by the waterfalls, studying ancient technique scrolls, finishing his mission paperwork-
"Sasuke!" he turned to find Shikamaru and Kiba heading towards him.
"Yo," Sasuke said, giving them a curt wave.
"We're heading out for some drinks with the other guys. You wanna join us?" Kiba asked.
"Oh, sure," Sasuke said slowly. He wasn't used to being spontaneously invited to social events let alone going to one. He was usually so caught up in his work, no one bothered him.
The three nodded and walk down the road together. He could feel his awkwardness seeping out of him with each step. Shikamaru and Kiba chatted up a storm as Sasuke listened with interest.
"So I hear Gaara's in town for a bit," Kiba said.
"Yeah, he's joining us for beer," Shikamaru mumbled, lighting the cigarette between his lips. He took a long drag and blew out a thin line of smoke up into the air. "Lee, Neji, and Choji are coming as well."
"What about Naruto?" Sasuke asked. The two glanced behind at him.
"Of course," Shikamaru replied, "that social butterfly never misses an event."
Yeah, of course. It was funny how Sasuke and Naruto seemed to had switched positions from childhood. The nine tailed fox boy had finally broken the status quo and rose to the top of everyone's admiration and respect. He never thought less of Naruto, not since their first mission into the mist village.
"You'd think he'd be a lot more productive now that he's hokage," Kiba remarked, "all the bastard does is party with old farts like us." He said this with a grin.
"Kiba, don't depress me with age talk. I'd like to think 35 is a young ripe age," Shikamaru sighed, taking another long drag on his cigarette.
They arrived at the bar, finding Choji and Neji sitting down at one of the large private booths. Sasuke seated himself next to Shikamaru as Kiba slid him a cold beer from across the table. He watched briefly as Shikamaru cracked his open with the edge of the table before following suit. It's been a while since he had a drink.
"So where's everyone else?" Kiba asked, taking a swig at his beer.
"Coming with Naruto I suppose. Gaara just arrived today. It's some hokage business," Choji said, too preoccupied with the menu to elaborate.
Sasuke sipped his beer silently, trying not to wrinkle his nose at the unfamiliar aftertaste.
The other four had matured exponentially over the years. Choji lost a significant amount of fat and bulked up into nothing but muscle; Shikamura's voice became low and husky (probably from all the cigarettes he smoked) and had a good sized beard that framed his face; Kiba…well, not much changed with Kiba except he stopped face painting (but it was amazing how much better he looked without it); and Neji finally got rid of his ridiculously long hair and opted for a shorter, more stylish one.
Sasuke on the other hand looked more or less the same. He had more wrinkles from age and stress, but other than that, he and his thirteen-year-old self were identical. Some would say being ageless was a gift, but he considered it depressing.
"Hey guys!" That familiar voice. Sasuke didn't need to turn around to know it was Naruto. "Did you have to wait lo- Sasuke! Good to see you!" He took the seat next to him, giving Sasuke a rough shoulder hug. "My man Sasuke!"'
Gaara and Lee were with him and they took the seats across from Sasuke.
"Good to see you too Naruto," Sasuke said, giving his best friend a warm smile. They had talked just yesterday, but that meeting was strictly business.
Since Naruto's crowning of hokage, Sasuke began seeing less and less of him. It wasn't until Sasuke left Anbu's specialist squad that they started making more face time with one another.
Just like the others, Naruto had also matured greatly. His hair was more kept and his size bulked. Sasuke could tell Naruto's blue eyes and blond hair were finally catching the eyes of many women, but the silver wedding band around his left ring finger kept them at bay.
Gaara held his beer out towards Sasuke, saying, "Sasuke, long time no see."
"Same to you," Sasuke said clinking his beer with Gaara's before taking a drink.
"Here's a toast to good friends!" Naruto shouted, raising his beer in his outstretched hand. There's a symphony of clinking bottles, then everyone downed their beer.
"How's the missus hokage-sama?" Kiba asked, emphasizing the suffix with much enjoyment.
"Sakura-chan's great. We're planning to get a little Naruto soon, but she still wants to focus on her work a bit more." Naruto looked out with a dreamy glint in his eyes, smiling with the beer bottle in his mouth.
"One Naruto is enough. I don't think we need another one," Sasuke joked.
"Well we definitely don't need another Sasuke either," Naruto shot back.
"I think your wrong Naruto," Neji said, popping open another beer, "Sasuke's the most productive ninja on the force. He gets more done that Shikamaru- when the guy actually puts his mind to doing work." Shikamaru lazily fingered Neji, putting more conviction into drinking his beer than in the gesture.
"Are you seeing anyone Sasuke-san?" Lee asked. It was so formally asked, Sasuke felt obliged to answer.
"Ah…no…not really."
"Not really? What does that mean?" Naruto questioned, staring Sasuke down hard with his squinted eyes. Sasuke felt like squirming.
"So is there someone you like?" Kiba asked. Sasuke shook his head, hastily drinking his beer.
"Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen you with a woman before," Shikamaru noted, lighting up another cigarette.
"That reminds me, the last time I saw you with someone was with Temari. How are you both?" Rock asked Shikamaru.
Choji turned his attention away from the menu, saying, "Shikamaru and Temari broke up ages ago," before waving for a waitress and turning back to the menu.
"Yeah, things weren't so hot with Temari and I with the whole long distance issue and all," Shikamaru replied, tilting his head at Gaara. "Sorry man. I know it disappointed you."
Gaara shook his head. "Don't mention it. It was ages ago. She's fine now," he added when he saw Shikamaru's concerned look.
"So why haven't you been on the dating scene?" Kiba turned the hot spot back on Sasuke. "You used to be so hot with the ladies."
Sasuke focused his attention on his beer, mumbling, "They didn't interest me."
"So you're gay?" Everyone stopped their drinking to look closely at Sasuke. He scowled at Kiba.
"Don't disgust me, of course not. I've just never familiarized myself with that area."
"You're making it sound like some kind of study Sasuke," Naruto chuckled. Sasuke shot him a glare as well.
"I don't see what's the big hype about. Dating is only distracting." Sasuke could feel himself getting defensive, but he couldn't stop.
"That's virgin talk Sasuke-"
"I'm not a virgin," Sasuke snapped, downing the rest of his beer. He avoided eye contact with the others, keeping his attention on the table.
Naruto smirked, tossing his friend another beer.
"Time for a drinking game guys," he calls, "Let's play 'I never', except we play 'I have'. Drink if you've done it."
"Ass." Naruto ignores Sasuke, taking a long drink along with everyone else as Sasuke stares in dismay. They all look at him confused at whether or not to be smug about their new discovery. Sasuke looked curiously at Choji and Gaara.
"Ino," he said curtly.
Gaara said nothing, only giving him a quick wink that sends a cold shiver down his spine.
"Wow, never Sasuke? That's pretty amazing," Kiba whistled.
"Yeah, well, I had better things to do," Sasuke mumbled, fiddling with his beer.
"Don't worry Sasuke-san. We can help you," Rock Lee assured, placing his hand on Sasuke's and giving it a tight squeeze. Sasuke almost thought Lee was offering him a business proposal. The guy had to stop being so damn formal with such indecent discussions.
"Yeah, Rock's right. Let's help Sasuke get laid," Naruto said the last part loud enough that the whole restaurant turned their attention to the table. Sasuke swung his bottle at Naruto. His face felt so hot, he could barely see through the steam.
"Here, here!" The table raised their glasses once more, taking a long swig in Sasuke's honour.
Sasuke felt a headache coming. And it wasn't from the beer.
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