This is a story not based on any of the events that happened in the series with some new characters, including the main protaganist Lucy. I'm also going to be telling it backwards (novel I know!) I got the idea a few years ago and tried it with another story that ended up going nowhere, but I wanted to try it again. Which means that the chapters following this one will go back in time - it's that simple! I'd love it if you read and reviewed as it's always good to get criticism - positive or otherwise! This story deals with issues of post-natal depression. If you can - enjoy.

July 2008

It was quiet at the bridge that afternoon. In the two hours she had been there, only a few souls had passed by and none of them had even glanced her way. None of them had been able to tell just how much pain she was in. They were too consumed with their own lives, hurrying to meet friends or lovers, talking quietly on their mobiles or generally ignorant of the world around them.

She hadn't moved from her position in the entire two hours, only glancing around occasionally when she thought she heard footsteps. She had spent the rest of the time gazing down at the water rushing freely below her. She wondered how fast the current was. Where it went? She remembered how, as a child, she loved dropping sticks off of bridges and then running to the other side to see if it floated past. She wondered if Caroline would do that when she got older.

Thinking about her daughter brought her back to reality, made her remember why she was on this bridge contemplating the water below. There was no other option. She had told herself that repeatedly on the way and for the last two hours. She needed to get out of her daughter's life for what child wanted a mother that she couldn't stand? She had seen it in the baby's eyes again this morning when she had been screaming for milk. The accusatory stare. The wordless recrimination that she wasn't good enough…could never be good enough. That had sealed it for her. Caroline would be so much better off without her in her life and Darren could do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted, safe in the knowledge that she wouldn't be there to reprimand him.

Bearing her weight on her arms, she slowly lifted her left leg over the wooden edge and onto the ledge on the other side. Her right leg followed suit until she was fully standing on the other side, nothing between her and the water below except her hands gripping onto the wood behind. No-one started to scream, no-one panicked. No-one said anything and she realised that she was quite alone, staring down into the abyss below. She wondered if it would hurt, if she would be killed instantly, or merely brain-damaged by the rocks below, forced to drift aimlessly until she died.

She was going to do it. Had to do it. All she had to do was let go and she would be free. Caroline would be free. Darren would be free. They would all be free…

XXXX

"Darren!" Nancy's voice betrayed her irritation as she pushed the pram into the pub and up towards the bar. There were only a few customers in, regulars who didn't bat an eyelid at her.

The object of her irritation turned from where he had been cleaning glasses and frowned at her, "Nance?"

"When Lucy said half an hour, I assumed she meant half an hour!" Nancy moaned, bringing the pram to a stop and putting the safety brake on. "Two hours later and she still hasn't come back."

"I don't know what you're on about," Darren said, coming around the bar and peering in the pram at his daughter.

"Lucy? Your wife?" Nancy said sarcastically.

"Yeah, I know who she is, thank you very much."

"Well, she asked me to watch Caroline for half an hour two hours ago! I know it may look as though I spend all my time swaning around the village and drinking in the SU bar…"

"Oh you noticed then?" Darren quipped.

"But…" she replied angrily, "I don't have time to be a long term babysitter."

"I'm sorry," Darren said, "I didn't know she had left her with you. She went out earlier and I thought she'd taken her for a walk."

"Well, she didn't," Nancy grumbled, "so I'm assuming that since I've returned her to her father, my responsibility is at an end?"

"Yeah, thanks." The baby started to scream and he reached into the pram and lifted her out.

"Good," Nancy turned to leave, "oh, I almost forgot." She reached into her bag and lifted out the envelope, "she asked me to give you this."

He took it from her suspiciously, "Lucy asked you to give me this?" Nancy nodded. "Ok."

"Great, bye!" With that, Nancy hurried out of the pub leaving Darren to juggle the baby and the letter. Cradling Caroline in the crook of his arm, he opened the envelope and took out the single sheet of paper, instantly recognising Lucy's handwriting.

Dear Darren

I'm sorry I have to do this, but I've come at it from so many different angles and I can't see there being any other way. I know you don't agree with me, but Caroline hates me. Our daughter hates me. I knew it from the moment she wouldn't breastfeed. Every time I lift her, she screams and she only settles when she's with you. You're a much better parent to her than I could ever be. Tell her I did this for her. Tell her that I knew she would have a much better life without me. You all would. I'm sorry.

Lucy.

Darren read the words over and over again, trying to take them in. In his mind, he could hear Lucy saying them, could picture her face, tearstained as it seemed to always have been these last few weeks.

"Darren, are you intending on doing any work this afternoon?" Jack demanded, coming into the bar. He paused when he saw the expression on his son's face. "What's up?"

"This…" Darren handed him the letter, "I think…I think Lucy's left me." Jack scanned the words quickly, "She's left us." Caroline started screaming harder and he rocked her, gently shushing her.

"When did you get this?"

"Just now. Nancy gave it to me."

"Nancy?"

Darren nodded. "Lucy asked her to watch Caroline earlier and to give it to me. I don't understand," he said, "she was fine this morning."

"Fine?" Jack raised his eyebrows. "Were we at the same breakfast table?"

"Well, as fine as she has been these last few weeks," he conceded. "I mean, I know she's not been happy…but I figured it was just going to take her a bit of time to get over the birth."

"Not been happy?" Jack exclaimed, "Darren, I'm no doctor, but it's pretty obvious that she's been depressed! She's barely eating, not sleeping, constantly crying…haven't you been able to see that?"

"Well, yeah but…" he looked at the floor, not wanting to admit that he had seen it and had chosen to ignore it.

"Here, give me the baby," Jack reached for his granddaughter, "Go up and see if she's taken her things."

Darren handed Caroline over and then raced up the stairs two at a time to the flat and powered through the living room and into their bedroom. Throwing open the wardrobe, he saw that Lucy's clothes were still hanging where they had been. Her makeup was still strewn across the dresser and the scent of the perfume he had bought her still lingered in the air. All of her possessions were where she had left them. He hurried back downstairs again. "She hasn't taken anything."

"Nothing?"

"No."

"Ok," Jack said, taking charge, "When Lucy went out earlier, did she say where she was going?"

"No, she just said she was taking Caroline for a walk."

"I think we need to call the police."

"The police? What for? They're hardly going to be bothered about Lucy being missing for two hours."

"She's left a note…she hasn't taken her things…" Jack shook his head "With the way she's been acting recently…" he trailed off.

Darren's eyes widened as fear flooded his body, "You don't think…?"

"I don't know," Jack said, placing Caroline back in the pram "but, like I said, I think we should call the police."

"Dad, if she has put herself in danger," Darren said, "they'll arrest her if they find her."

Jack mused over this, knowing that his son was right. "All right," he said, "no police. Think. Where would she go?"

"I don't know."

"Think Darren!"

"I don't know!" he retaliated.

"Ok," Jack said, "let's split up, check the village and meet back here in half an hour, ok?"

"Ok."

"And try her mobile," Jack said. "If you can speak to her, we might be able to get her to come back."

XXXX

"Hi, this is Lucy Osbourne. I can't take your call, but please leave a message after the tone."

"Lucy, it's me again," Darren felt his panic rising as he left yet another message. "Please, please call me back as soon as you get this message. We're all worried about you." He closed his phone and put it back in his pocket. Hurrying back into the pub, he found Jack waiting for him. "Anything?"

"No. You?" Darren shook his head. "Where's Caroline?" Instinct kicked in.

"Frankie's got her upstairs. I told her not to say anything to Steph or Newt, not until we know what's happening. I've told her to keep trying Lucy's phone."

"I just left her another message," Darren waved his phone redundantly.

"So, she's not in the village," Jack said, "where else would she go?"

Darren sank down on a nearby chair and put his head in his hands. At this precise moment, he wondered if he knew anything about his wife, or maybe he had just chosen not to see it. When he thought back over their time together, how much fun they had had before Caroline had been born…how happy she had been when he had asked her to marry him.

Then it struck him. "The bridge."

"What bridge?" Jack asked.

"The bridge where I proposed. At the river. She might have…might have gone there…" he trailed off, knowing that if she had, there was only one reason why.

"Right," Jack leapt to his feet and grabbed his car keys. "Let's go."

XXXX

The afternoon sunshine was low on the horizon by the time they reached the bridge. The area was quiet, deserted in fact and, for a moment when they got out of the car, Darren wondered if he had been wrong. Then he saw her.

"Lucy!" Darren rushed forward onto the bridge. Jack followed and grabbed his arm. "Stay away from me!" Lucy screamed, getting precariously to her feet from where she had been sat for the last hour and gripping onto the wooden railing.

"Darren, get back!" Jack pulled his son back.

"Lucy…" Darren tried away.

"Please go away!" she shouted again.

"It's all right Lucy, it's all right," Jack said, pushing Darren back to the other side of the walkway. "He's away, Lucy, he's away."

Lucy took a deep breath and let it out shakily before resuming gazing at the water. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. She was supposed to have jumped before they could have found her. Why had she hesitated?

"Lucy love," Jack said, edging closer to her again. "Come back over this side and we can talk."

"I can't."

"Yes you can. Just reach over…"

"I said I can't!" she shouted. "Please, please just leave me."

"We can't do that, love," Jack continued, "we don't want you falling off the edge." He tried to make a joke.

"Fall?" she scoffed, "Is that what you think might happen, Jack? You don't think I might just…throw myself off this bridge?!" Her voice rose to a high screech.

Darren couldn't stand any more. He hurried forward to stand next to Jack. "Lucy please…"

"No!" she leaned out away from the bridge, taking one hand off of the railing.

"Darren, get back!" Jack grabbed his son again.

"Dad, she's trying to kill herself!"

"I can see that!" Jack pulled Darren back by his sweater and turned his son to face him. "I'm going to try and stop her."

"Dad…" Darren's eyes filled with tears.

"I know," Jack said, taking his son's face in his hands, "I know. Please, son, just stay here." Darren nodded shakily. "Ok." Jack turned back to where Lucy was still leaning away from the railing. "Lucy, Darren's not going to interrupt us, ok?" She didn't say anything. "You and I can just talk."

"I don't want to talk," she said, "I just want it over with."

"You don't want to jump, Lucy. You don't want to leave Caroline."

She half turned and looked at him, her face streaked with tears. "Don't you get it?" she said, "I'm doing this for Caroline. She'll have a better life."

Jack shook his head, "By depriving her of the one person she needs most?"

"She doesn't need me."

"She does."

"She doesn't even like me!"

"That's not true, Lucy. Caroline loves you. You're her mother."

"She hates me, Jack," Lucy said, her voice breaking. "She won't feed from me, she screams whenever I go near her, she looks at me as if to say 'you're a crap mum'…"

"No she doesn't."

"How would you know?!" she shrieked, "You're not there with her all the time. I am! I look at her! I see it!" She let out a cry of frustration. "I was meant to have this done before now! You weren't supposed to be here to see me do this!!"

"Lucy…" Jack edged closer so that he was standing against the railing, inches from being able to grab her jacket. "Even if you believe that about Caroline…what about Darren? What about me and Frankie? We all love you. We all need you." She shook her head. "It's true sweetheart."

"You'd all be better off without me," she said quietly, "Darren especially."

"How can you say that? Darren loves you so much…"

"If he loved me, he would want to be with me."

Jack frowned, "I don't…"

"If he loved me he wouldn't be out shagging every girl he can get his hands on!"

Jack turned and looked at Darren who was shaking his head. "That's rubbish!" he called. "Lucy, I haven't done anything! You know how much I love you!"

"Lucy," Jack said, "you need to talk these things through with Darren. Whatever's happened, you can work it out. You can't just…"

She shook her head, "It's too late." She leaned out a little bit more.

"Lucy, don't!" Jack said, panic starting to set in. This was going on for far too long. "Please, please come back over."

"Why?" she turned to face him again and he could see the abject pain in her eyes. "I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm a terrible wife and a shit mother…what is the point in me even being here?"

Darren couldn't stand it anymore. He rushed forwards. "Lucy…"

"Darren!" Jack shouted.

"Get away from me!" she screamed at him, twisting in an attempt to move away. As she did so, her right foot slipped from the ledge causing her body to pitch downwards. As she fell, her mind cleared. This was it. This was what she had been waiting for. In slow motion, she felt her body grow weightless. Down and down she fell, oblivious to everything.

Closing her eyes, she hoped it wouldn't hurt.