Disclaimer: I own the chocobo, no other chocobos, and neither male nor female Sheik. Read on...
You are sitting on the couch, boredly flipping through channels. You stop when you hear the Zelda theme and see its logo on the screen. The logo fades to a white screen, and a white chocobo with red tipped tail feathers walks on from the left. It stops in the middle of the screen and turns to face you.
"Welcome," a dialogue box at the bottom of the screen says while the chocobo's mouth moves, "Today, I'm going to try to clear up the whole ambiguity of Sheik's gender. We've seen him as a guy and a girl, which has raised a lot of problems. This is only my take on the subject, but it should satisfy both parties."
A girl with dirty blonde hair and a lacey dress walks onto the screen from the right.
"Here we have Zelda from Twilight Princess. I've never actually played Super Smash Bros, so let's just pretend she's the one from Brawl. So, as we can see, when she turns into Sheik…"
The chocobo left off expectantly, but, after a couple of moments, nothing happens.
"…when she turns into Sheik!..." The words in the box are now bolded, and its feathers are starting to stand up.
"TECH CREW!" It stomped in anger. "SMOKE BOMB!"
A smoke bomb detonated at Zelda's feet, and when it cleared Sheik was standing there.
"Now, as you can see," the chocobo continued, "this Sheik is definitely female, which the breasts clearly show." Sheik blushed a little at that statement. "I know you all can see them, since most of the guys out there are drooling."
You quickly wipe the saliva off your lip.
"And here is exhibit B."
A 64 bit Sheik walks on from the left side of the screen.
"It's kind of hard to see on the in-game version, but if we look at the official game art…" a picture of Sheik you recognize from a strategy guide appears in the background between the 64 Sheik and the chocobo, "you can see he's clearly male. This is obvious by the lack of boobs, triangular waist area, and a number of fangirls swooning out there."
The male Sheik glared at the chocobo while the other one fidgets nervously.
"Both of these Sheiks' counterparts is Zelda, a girl. This raises the question: is Sheik a guy or a girl? I choose to focus on how much magic is poured into the transformation spell.
"As we all sadly noted in Twilight Princess, Link does not use magic. This could be because: he cannot harness his raw magic and needs something to channel it through (such as Din's Fire and the Lens of Truth, all of such items are absent in the game), he has less, little or no magic at this point, or the overall stock of magic in the world has decreased. Since others in the game can use magic, we can safely cross that last option out.
"Where am I going with this? Zelda from the past pumped the spell full of more magic than her descendant, which made it powerful enough to change her gender, eyecolor, and, in the manga with the help of Impa, completely suppress her memories of being a princess/girl. I'm pretty sure we all agree that that's one pretty strong spell.
"But, we can all see the more recent Sheik is a girl. This can be because the spell itself has weakened over time, or Zelda cannot safely call upon that much magic to put into the spell for it to work properly. The latter can also be because Impa is no longer around to help Zelda with it, and, after transforming entirely the first time, older Zelda was able to somewhat perfect it by the then upcoming Smash Bros game. She wouldn't have been able to entirely transform into Sheik—that would have required more magic with the aid of Impa—by locking away her memories, seeing as she was able to turn back into Zelda at will.
"Nevertheless, the transformation can't be completed by the newer Zelda; whether the magic or spell is blamed is up to you. I prefer Sheik being male, if only because he was in the best Zelda game ever—that is a rant for another time.
"But now, I have to somehow add story elements so it won't be flagged and I won't get banned." The chocobo cocked its head to the side, thinking.
Male Sheik quickly grabbed the chocobo and threw a small nut to the ground. A flash a light followed, and when it dimmed only female Sheik was still onscreen. A black blur, screaming like there's no tomorrow, went flying across the screen, from left to right, and rammed into the remaining Sheik. They landed off screen so you couldn't get a good view of the black thing.
"Ugh," is audible from off screen, "sorry bout that Sheik. Wait…a female Sheik!? Agh! My eyes! They burn!"
"What an unholy terror!" a second voice from off screen screams.
"Kill it!" the first voice shouts. "Kill the science project reject!"
A series of loud crashes and a few explosions can be heard in their direction. The chocobo and other Sheik stick their heads on screen step ladder fashion.
"Thanks for the save, Sheik." The chocobo says through the dialogue box.
"Hn." Was his reply.
You quickly flip off the TV and ask yourself why you even stopped on that channel in the first place.
And leave a review? Pweeeeeeeease?
Edit: Okay, I know Nintendo said Sheik was a girl. But you know what? I didn't like that, so I came up with this at least semi-confusing debate and typed it up and submitted it. Let me live in my own bubble, or so help me I will try to pop yours!
Laret: Don't worry, though. She won't.