The Real Story of the Giant
One could easily call the giant a simple man. He had simple pleasures like coin collecting, chicken farming, and classical music. Like any other man, he worked during the day (which was the human's night), and came home to a loving wife who always had dinner ready on the table.
However, the giant was a giant, and as such, he enjoyed the delicacy that was a human. Whenever any giant (which means not just himself), could smell anything similar to, or an actual human, they would stomp home singing;
Fe-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman!
This was the traditional way to show your giantess that one approved of dinner. And the extra lines "be he live or be he dead, I'll grind is bones to make my bread" was spread around by none other than Jack Simpleton of Yorkshire, who tried to make himself sound heroic with many lies when he climbed his way to the heavens and stole from the simple giant.
The true version of Jack's escapades can only be told from the prospective of the giant, and so I shall tell you what occurred.
The giant's workday had ended, and it had been tough day; two castles had been knocked down by a beanstalk that seemed to have sprouted from nowhere, causing a lot of paperwork for those working in insurance like himself (the giants had always been much farther ahead in technology than the humans). The giant was ready to eat some excellent food cooked by his lovely giantess.
And the food smelled absolutely delicious. In fact, it almost smelt like… A human! Oh what a delicacy! Just one of many proofs that his giantess was a wonderful woman.
And so he stomped home singing;
Fe-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman!
What a shock it was when the giant came home to find nothing but stew. With such a hard day at work, the giant ate his food angrily. Why oh why had he smelt human? Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.
After the giant had his fill, he asked his wife for his coin collection. Taxes were coming soon, and the coins needed to be counted. He eventually counted for so long that it grew monotonous, and eventually, the giant fell asleep…
When the giant woke up to find out that a bag of his prized coin collection was missing, he was paralyzed in shock. Later that day, for who knows the exact reason, the giant gave up on coin collecting all together.
Having given up on coin collecting, the giant decided to buy a gold egg laying hen. Surely the gold laid could eventually make up for the coins of the giant's that were stolen.
Many months later the giant was yet again coming home from work when he smelt it. The delicate smell of raw human flesh, the taste of which he had never found in any other food.
And so he stomped home singing;
Fe-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman!
Again the giant was shocked to find that there was no human to be feasted upon. Before the night his gold had disappeared his sense of smell had always been keen. Was this the effects of aging finally beginning? Or was it something more?
The giant pondered many questions like these as he ate his soup. And as time passed, the questions began to make the giant angry. There was no way he could be getting this old!
Once the giant had eaten his fill of soup, he asked for his gold laying hen. He nearly had the value of his old coin collection, but the hen needed to be prodded to lay. If the giant was to make up for what was stolen, he would have to work the hen.
Only seconds after he told the hen to lay an egg, the giant fell asleep. It had been a long day…
The giant woke up to find that his hen had been stolen. Things were now starting to get fishy. This was the second time that his nose had failed him, and the second time that something of value had been stolen. This was the work of a criminal!
It was with that thought in mind that the giant decided to put his eggs in the bank. They would be less likely to be stolen then. However, he cashed one of them. His anniversary was coming up, and his giantess enjoyed classical music as much as he did. And so he bought a golden harp for his wife.
The next day (which was a weekend), the giant gave his giantess the harp. She was so delighted in it, that she played it while she was cooking dinner, and as the giant went to go do some reading.
Not much later the giant yet again smelled human. His giantess must have been making human for a special anniversary dinner!
And so he stomped to the kitchen singing;
Fe-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman!
But his giantess was not making human, and the giant immediately became wary of his surroundings. He knew that he was going to be stolen from. He sat down and put his head in his hand. Why oh why did the world hate him so? And somewhere along the lines of thinking, the giant was lulled asleep by his giantess' harp.
Suddenly the giant could hear the harp screaming for help. Someone was stealing the harp!
The giant ran outside to see a human running away with his harp. Suddenly everything was made clear. The same human had been coming into his house stealing his things, making him believe there was to be human for supper.
This realization made the giant very mad. How dare this human steal from him! So the giant ran after the human, who was running towards the beanstalk that had sprouted from nowhere.
Unfortunately, the human, Jack Simpleton of Yorkshire, was the only one who could make it down the beanstalk without it breaking, and the giant was forced to stay in the heavens.
Now you know the true story of the giant of Jack and the Beanstalk.