A/N: I don't know where this idea sprouted from. I just felt like writing something in which Hidan and Tayuya argue. XD
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Hidan would not be dead. And I guess Tayuya wouldn't be, either, but I'm not sure. Oh well.
Conciliatory Greetings
Hidan:
He had had plenty of shitty missions before, but this one made his Top Ten Shittiest List.
It was pouring rain relentlessly, like the clouds had decided to let the sky simply rip apart. Every inch of earth had been long transformed into mud and the ponds had become oceans.
Hidan trudged through the muddy soup, of River Country, cursing the weather(The monsoon season or whatever the hell it was called), cursing his partner for getting separated, cursing the Leader for sending him on this goddamn mission. He was completely drenched from head to toe, his sopping Akatsuki cloak doing little to warm him. Water was literally filling his shoes.
He grimaced, feeling the soaked and abused skin on his chest protest in a wave of scratching pain. He had done a ritual recently and the stab wounds were reopening thanks to the constant pounding of rain on them.
After swearing at the sky again, Hidan decided to find shelter before he got sick and his scythe started rusting or something.
"Fucking Kakuzu!" He snarled under his breath, as he stumbled over a rock. "That stupid money whore! He just had to disappear and go on another of his damn side trips…Fuck!" He yelped as he tripped over a rock.
Hidan glanced up and noticed a secure-looking cliff overhang. The rock directly below it looked dry. It seemed like a cave entrance. He squinted against the rainwater dripping into his eyes and began to slosh his way towards it.
Five minutes, seventeen curses, and two falls later, Hidan was wringing his cloak dry in the shelter of the cave. With a sigh of relief, the immortal flung his scythe to the side and sat down in a huff, to wait out the storm. He glanced around, wondering if there was anything around that could serve as bandages. Warm blood was welling up and dripping down his sides.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" A girl's voice snapped. Hidan whipped his head around and his hand gripped his scythe.
Hidan frown as his eyes fell on a girl looking to be in her early teens, with bright red hair and fierce brown eyes. A really weird hat covered her head, but several fiery locks poked from it into her face. She wore one of those retarded rope belts. A Sound-nin.
"I'm sitting here, that's what I'm fucking doing," Hidan retorted.
"Get the hell out, you shithead. This is my cave."
"I don't see your fucking name on it," He sneered.
"I don't like sharing with fat-asses like you, so get out before I make you!"
"Fuck you!"
"Go to hell!"
"Bitch!"
"Asshole!"
They glared at each other.
Tayuya:
She hated getting wet. It ruined her hair and made her extremely moody. And of course, it had to be raining this hard right after she fought a battle with some random nameless ninja. Of course Tayuya had won, but those bastards had refused to die quietly.
"Damn worthless little rats," She spat, rubbing her broken wrist. She continued cursing the dead shinobi that had broken it, as lightning flashed overhead. Rainwater made her red bangs dip straight into her eyes and Tayuya snarled another string of her colorful vocabulary as her injured hand was jarred.
When she glanced over her shoulder and called. "Oy fat-ass, make yourself useful and get me something to splint my wrist—,"
And then she remembered that Jirobo had ditched her a few minutes ago. He told the flute-player, quiet abruptly, he was tired of her wining and the next thing she knew, the idiot was gone. Tayuya gritted her teeth, her foul mood only deepening, as she thought of all the ways she could kick that fatty's ass into next week.
As the soaked kunoichi tripped over a puddle and bumped her injured hand again, she spotted a small naturally carved cave above and managed to walk up the almost vertical cliff to get into it. The flute-player settled in, cradling her wrist carefully, and decided to take a nap, while her hair dried.
And then Tayuya was woken rather rudely by the sound of clanging metal and someone cursing. It was a man, wearing a very wet cloak. She squinted at the black and red cloud pattern and hissed in quiet surprise. Akatsuki! Her eyes narrowed as she leaned forward to look him over. There was giant three-bladed scythe lying next to him. He looked pretty dangerous, but Tayuya was too wet and grouchy to care about being cautious. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" She snapped.
The Akatsuki turned, startled, hand going for his scythe. Tayuya tensed and brought out her flute from behind her back.
His hair was silver and slicked back, although it was dripping with rain. He wore his cloak carelessly, with the front of it unbuttoned to show his (very wet and bleeding) chest. His eyes were a startling shade of violet.
"I'm sitting here, that's what I'm fucking doing." He replied, flicking a drop of water off his sleeve.
"Get the hell out, you shithead. This is my cave," She said threateningly.
"I don't see your fucking name on it."
"I don't like sharing with fat-asses like you, so get out before I make you!"
He sneered. "Fuck you!"
That was her line! "Go to hell!"
"Bitch!"
"Asshole!"
They glowered at each other.
-
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And then the storm hit. A different storm from the one raging outside. This was a hurricane of cursing. Both of them opened their mouths and the contest began. The foulest (and arguably, the most creative) pieces of the human language were cast around the air, the cave echoing all the words exchanged.
If anyone else were present, they would have been clutching bleeding ears.
After a while, the verbal storm subsided, as both of them were already exhausted from their injuries. Hidan scowled at the cave floor which was slick with his blood and Tayuya glared at her aching wrist.
A period of silence sauntered pass, marked only by the steady sound of the unrelenting, gushing rain outside.
"So what's your name, bitch?" Hidan asked suddenly, pressing his cloak to his chest in an attempt to stop the renewed bleeding.
"Tayuya," She replied immediately. "What about you, asshole?"
"Hidan. Nice to meet you," He gave her a crooked casual smirk that instantly made her angry.
Tayuya took two deep breathes through her nose to calm herself down.
"So why are you here in this hellhole?" The Akatsuki questioned lightly.
"No reason," The Sound kunoichi responded guardedly. "Mission."
"Same," Another infuriating smile. "You're with that snake-bastard, right? That weirdo pedophile that used to be Akatsuki?"
"Orochimaru-sama is not a pedophile!"
"Yeah and I'm a fucking Konoha ninja," Hidan snorted. "Why else would he take that little Uchiha brat? What's his name…Sas…Sasek….Sa…?"
"Sasuke?"
"Yeah. Whatever."
Tayuya glared at him. "Well you shitty little rat, Orochimaru-sama needs Sasuke for his Rebirth ritual so he can stay immortal. You're part of Akatsuki you should fucking know that already!"
"I just joined," Hidan retorted hotly. "Besides, what kind of retard wants immortality?"
Tayuya gave him disbelieving look. "Are you kidding? Every single fucking person wants immortality."
"Well you can tell all those bitching idiots that it sucks," Hidan leaned back, resting his shoulders against the cool cave wall. His right hand went up to cup his supposedly fatal wound. Tayuya followed the movement with wide eyes.
"You're immortal, too?"
"No shit." He said sarcastically.
Tayuya's fist clenched around her flute. "You're a fucking jerk."
"You have a real charming personality too." He paused. "You know, you're going to hell, right?"
She was thrown off her anger by this sudden change in conversation. "What?"
Hidan lifted his hand away from his wound and brought it up to touch a silver rosary around his neck. "Although I could probably save you." He paused, glancing at her, before bowing his head. His hand tightened around the rosary and he began mumbling inaudible words. Praying, Tayuya realized.
She stared at him. "You're fucking crazy, too."
"Shut up, bitch. I'm trying to pray to Jashin-sama here."
"I didn't think you'd be the kind to believe in that shit," Tayuya replied haughtily. She blinked in surprise and ducked as he hurled a kunai at her. She watched, smirking, as the weapon flew into the cave wall and fall to the floor with a clang.
"Filthy heathens like you wouldn't understand," Hidan sniffed, bringing the rosary to his face again. Normally, he would immediately kill anyone who made fun of his religion, but right now he was tired from the loss of blood and it wouldn't be worth the effort.
"Oh yeah?" Tayuya asked in mock interest. "And how will I not go to hell, you piece of worthless trash?"
Hidan brightened and brought out a pike from his sleeve. "It's a simple ritual. You don't have to do anything. I'm the one who does the praying and then you're off to paradise. You're a virgin, right?"
"I'm fourteen-years old you asshole! Of course!"
"Perfect!" He waved the pike invitingly. "You're still pure and all. You know, I kinda like you. I'll be happy to send you to heaven. All you have to do is hold still and all your sins will bleed away."
Tayuya noted the way he gestured to the pike and the words "bleed away".
"You…you're going to stab me with that thing?"
"Of course! What do you think? I'm gonna make you eat it?"
"There is no way in hell I'm going to let you stab me with a pike," She told him calmly.
"Tch," He rolled his eyes. "Why do I even bother, these days? Heathens like you never get it. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up." The immortal leered at her. "Well now that I know you're a virgin, I should just sacrifice you instead."
"Just try it, you shitty bastard!" Tayuya had her flute out in a flash.
"What're you gonna do with that?" Hidan sneered. "Kill me with your horrible playing?"
Her eyes narrowed dangerously. Sure, he could insult her, threaten her, but no one made fun of her music. No. One.
"I'm gonna summon my doki and have them take turns sticking kunai up your ass!" Tayuya screeched.
Hidan raised his scythe and smirked at her again. His purple eyes rose to meet her brown ones challengingly.
"Bring it, bitch," He said balefully. "You'll make a great sacrifice to Jashin-sama. And I bet that snake bastard will be pissed if he finds out you got killed, wouldn't he?"
"I bet your shitty Leader would be pissed if he finds out that you got raped by my music!" Tayuya retorted angrily.
Both of them took fighting stances and glared at each other. Suddenly, Hidan straightened and glanced out the cave entrance. "Yes the shitty rain stopped! I can finally go find that money whore Kakuzu and kill him for leaving me like this." He exited the cave, scythe slung effortlessly over his shoulder. "Well sorry, but I don't feel like fighting you. You're not the worth it," He said, glancing back at the bristling flute-player. "Besides, Kakuzu will start bitching about how I waste his time and I don't want to deal with that. And you're lucky I'm tired and hurt, or else you'll be long dead."
"You're the lucky one," Tayuya snarled. "I was gonna wring your ass dry."
"Whatever," He gave her a parting smirk. "So long, bitch. Hope we never meet again." With amazing speed for carrying such a heavy-looking scythe, he vanished.
"Tch," Tayuya tucked her flute back into her belt and readied herself to leave as well. She still had to find the stupid fatty and give him a piece of her mind.
Tayuya looked back and noticed the kunai that Hidan had thrown at her. It was still lying on the cave floor. She hesitated, wondering whether she should just leave it there. After all, Tayuya didn't usually used weapons other than her flute and she didn't like to carry extra baggage.
"Maybe I'll stick it up Jirobo-baka's ass," Tayuya decided with a shrug and picked the weapon up carefully, as a keepsake. She weighed it in her hand briefly before hanging it along with her instrument on her rope belt.
Tayuya made her way to the cave entrance and glanced up at the sky, which was clearing rapidly. The light drizzle that was all that was left of the giant storm was dying away. Puddles gleamed on the soggy ground and she spotted a single footprint in the mud. There were a couple specks of crimson blood sparkling on the ground next to it.
"I hope I never meet you again either," She said out loud, even though the immortal was long gone. The kunoichi disappeared as the clouds parted to reveal the sun again.
Owari