This Story is the Second Part of the Storyline which I started in "Eyes of Blue". But you don't have to read it first to understand it. As a matter of fact, it is even *better* if you read this story first and after that go over to "EoB". "EoB" will answer the questions which come up after you finished this story. You'll understand what I mean after you read it. (Reading EoB first would take away some of the surprises I tried to plant.)
Something else. This is my first Slash-Story, written 3 weeks after I swore that I would never read slash (Well dramatic lack of reading material changed my mind.) and written 3 Days after I promised at the Babylon Files Con that I would never write it (One small *SONG*.). !!!LIFE!!!Do I have to say more?
Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story beside Diannna Alisander and some others that I created. Jim Ellison, Blair Sandburg and Simon Banks, will be returned to their rightful owners [Bilson & DeMeo, PetFly Production and UPN]as soon as I am finished with them (which will be after the third part of that Trilogy). But when I heard this song, it was just like Jim standing there saying "I have an Idea." The last time this happened was in my Babylon 5/Sentinel crossover and the result was that Jim ended up wearing one of those tight black Body Amours. ;-)
So this can't be a bad thing, can it?
Okay and another VERY important anouncement:
THANKS to Shirley for doing such a perfect job by beta-reading this story.
(If there are any mistakes left, they are only in there, because I was finally able to make some correction in the light of the -hopefully- soon to be finished EOB. And I wrote some lines after the story got back from Beta-reading.)
She even found the equal american expression to the european which I was using.
Thanks once more!!!!!!!!!!
Songs: I am *NO* songwriter, so if I need a song, I borrow it from somebody. Believe me it is better that way. For this Story I borrowed "Canaler's Love Song" sung by Leslie Fish and "Memories" sung by Gladys Knight and the Pips
Okay, that's it. One last thing....
*ANY* CCC (Comments, Complains, Corrections) *PLEASE* to strange_music@hotmail.com
I am *NOT* begging here!!!!. *If* I was begging I would have to be on my knees......Wait a second....(looking down)......(looking up)...... (shrugging).... Okay I am begging.
Where was he?
He didn't quite remember. Having lost track after Georgia, Indianapolis, Chicago.......and it had only been a few days after that, that he had started to lose track of time itself as well.
Somehow the weeks and months had passed.
Sleeping in whatever place offered him and working for anyone who would take him. If he was lucky, it was what he had learned, so that he could enjoy it. If it was not, it was just another job to earn the money he needed to stay alive and on his feet. Where? He didn't care. Just as long as it was far away from Cascade, far away from the memories, far away from....... But no matter how far he went, the guilt always seemed to catch him. During the day and even worse during the night. You could assume that after a while you would get used to a nightmare that haunts you every night.
Yet, everytime he saw Jim's eyes, staring through him without really seeing, it was like a knife through his heart.
Tonight it had been worse again, almost as bad as the time after he had left. But it was good, he didn't expect the guilt to go away. No, that wasn't entirely true......he didn't *want* the guilt to go away....it was well deserved.
Thoughts returned to the call he had made this morning. He had called, full of hope that Dianna would tell him, that one of the universities he had written to had finally found a job for him. The money was short, very short.
He knew that it would only last to get him and his car to the next city that would offer him a job. Not having earned money for the last two months had finally made him painfully aware of his wallet. Living in his car, eatingwhatever cheap food he could find. Her voice had sounded so hopeful, when she had told him that Rainer University badly needed someone to take over the class of Prof. Stevens. And that the letter they had written indicated that they would be very glad if he could come back, payraise not included. He refused at first, but then she reminded him how badly he needed the money. So heaccepted, praying to whatever god was listening, that he would never cross Jim's path.
"How is he?" he had asked her. He didn't need to explain who he meant. The question was as regular in their phonecalls as saying hello and goodbye.
"I saw him yesterday. He sat beside me in the bus, we talked a bit, mostly small talk, but I saw the look on his face when your name came up.....Come back, Blair. He misses you as much as you miss him."
"Look, Dianna.....I might come back,but there is no way in hell that I will talk with him. It's not as if he'll ever be able to forget what happened.No.... Detective James Ellison needs many things, but I'm not one of them."
"But you love him, so why don't you tell him that or better yet, why didn't you tell him back then, in person."
"Sure. So that Mr. Straight could sent me straight to hell....look my money is about to run out soon. I have just been telephoning with my lunch. I don't intend to spent my dinner as well."
"Wait, Blair....Just promise me that you will come."
"But..."
"Promise me. You owe *me* that much."
"Goodbye, Dianna"
"BLAIR"
He hung up, hands still clenched on the receiver. Then he leaned back against the phonebooth cursing fate once more for playing one of it's dirty tricks on him again by giving him no other choice than to return to Cascade.
Cascade, once the only place that he had ever considered as home. The three years he had spent there, he couldn't remember ever feeling happier. A smile crept onto his face with the memories. Respect that turned into trust which turned into friendship and finally somewhere, along the way, turned into love. It hadn't been any special day or time, it just happened. However, telling Jim about his discovery was out of the question. He was too scared to tell him. *Don't risk what you've gained, or you might lose what you've got*. Till it was too late. Till it was the last thing he would say to him. In two days he would be in Cascade, and if luck was still on his side, he would arrive and leave without Jim ever knowing about it.
Simon looked at the two FBI-Agents sitting in front of him "So, what you want to tell me is that you need our help." He was stunned, to put it mildly. The last time he had worked with the Bureau, they had come in, waving guns taking over almost the entire Station. And now these two appear and are *asking* for their help.
"Exactly. The man we are talking about is highly dangerous, he is a psychopath of the most deadly kind. We've been tracking him for over 2 years now. If it would be possible to borrow one of your men........" The first thing I have to do Simon though to himself is close my mouth .
These man had been so friendly and polite, that he was hard pressed to believe they were real Agents.
"Captain?"
"Sorry, just thinking. Actually I have a man who could be of great help to you. He is an Advisor to the Department." He picked up the phone to inform Rhonda.
As he had suspected, the two agents showed the usual reaction to the word advisor.
"Thank you for your help, but we would rather have a real officer. This psycho is somebody who does not excuse a mistake. If we miss even one of the clues that he has laid, he will be gone for good again. Leaving us only one of his letters and 5 dead bodies."
"Believe me, this man is no normal advisor. I am certain that he will be a great help to you, he..."
The knocking on the door stopped him. Right on time. "Come in", he called and the door opened.
"Gentlemen, may I introduce you to Detective James Ellison."
What happened afterwards was like a studied play to Simon, as he had seen it being performed so many times before.
First the people would cast a long, long look at Jim. Clearly wondering why a man like him would only work as an advisor. Then the wonder would turn into a puzzled expression when the question started to run through their mind. And than finally into recognition, as they became aware of the white stick that he was holding in his hand and the black sunglasses that were hanging on his shirt.
"You are blind, aren't you?"
Jim smiled at the question. No Gentleman, I just have a very strange fashion sense.
"Yes I am blind." He answered amused, as he made his way to the table. The stick was clapped in, he had never needed it to find his way around Simon's office.
"Jim, may I introduce you to Agents Sam Gordon and Frank Belford." Feeling for their body heat he reached out to shake both of the offered hands "Gentleman, this is James Ellison". They exchanged their greetings rather hesitantly.
"How, if I may ask, did it happen." It was Belford. A dark voice, definitely a smoker. The cologne he was using was 'Nightfly' from Joop. He guessed his age to be between 35 and 40.
"It was an accident some time ago." Precisely three years, two months, three weeks and 5 hours, since all that he had left from his former life was a tape, that had told him goodbye.
"And how exactly do you think that you can help us?" Gordon requested. Jim guessed this man to be in his late fourties. He was wearing 'Nighfly' as well, no wait, he was using another cologne, the scent of 'Nighfly' was just lingering on his suit, and he was at the moment trying to quit smoking with the help of Nicotine-Band-its
"I guess for that, you'll have to wait 'till we are at the scene." He replied harsher than intended. Great, there he could perform his magic trick, which always made him feel like Lassie the Wonderdog. Where did Timmie go, show us Lassie, where is he?
"I'm sorry. I'm just wondering what help you could be, if you are blind. I mean do you see what I mean."
Jim heard Simon chuckle long before the Agent realized what he had said. "Pardon the pun"
"Not a problem, because I *do* see what you mean."
"Okay then maybe I'll just start with the explanations before I stick my foot in my mouth." He heard the rustling of paper as the agent opened the file he had laid on the table earlier.
"The few eyewitnesses we have, described him to be around 35 years old, height 5'9" ft. He has black hair and a long scar on his left cheek."
Great, now that's something I can work with
The victims always disappear in the same way. The first victim was a 50 year old lady with gray hair. The second had been a blackhaired man about the same age. The third and the fourth were a girl with long brown hair around 30 and a man with the same feature. And the last was a 5 year old child. After that there wasn't another. He has already killed the first 3 people, we don't want to lose him again. This time we need to stop him."
Jim was barely able to hear the rest of what the Agent said. The moment he had mentioned the fourth victim, his heart had stopped for a few seconds sending his thoughts into overdrive. What the hell were you thinking Sandburg, leaving just like that?
The rest of the meeting went by with the exchanging of ideas and the planning of tomorrow's search at the last murder site.
After they had left, Jim leaned back in his chair with a sigh.
"I know what you mean" Simon said.
Jim nodded "I guess, this is the first time that I am glad that Blair isn't here anymore. If he had, the chances would have been 99.9% for him to be the fourth victim. He had really attracted these kinds of people."
"Yea, he always was like a dumb blond in these things, always being the one to be beaten up or kidnapped. Like he had insulted this higher being which is supposed to rule our world."
Jim drew in a harsh breath at the memory while his hands clenched painfully around the stick.
"I still miss him so much, Simon. His laugher, his chatter, watching him bounce off the walls after he had come up with yet another one of his ideas. Every time I go into the Loft I expect him to be there. Every time I pick up the phone I expect his voice to be at the other end and every morning I wake up I find myself searching for his heartbeat. Why didn't he tell me how he felt before, why did it have to be on a tape, 3 hours after he had left for another country."
"Maybe you should have told him how you felt."
"That was easier said than done. Frankly, I didn't know what I felt. And it wasn't until Blair had spoken the word that I fully realized what it was that I felt for him."
"You love him, don't you."
"Yes, Simon. I love him."
Tiredly he drove his hands over his sightless eyes, once more cursing them for being the reason that Blair had left him.
"He'll come back, Jim. I'm sure of that. Just give him the time to think things over."
"He's had 3 damn years. No, Simon. He's gone for good, leaving everything behind like he had always done. I have to face it, I've lost him." He leaned forward and buried his face in his hands, he felt so tired, more tired than he had in a long time. The memories of Blair returned with full force, showing him the times they had spent together with heartbreaking clarity. After three years of blindness, there where many things that had changed inhis mind and many pictures which had simply disappeared, but Blair's face was as clear as ever. And his last message on the answering machine was burned into his mind.
"Hi Jim. I'm sorry that I couldn't say goodbye in person. But I guess thenI would have never been able to leave. I left a tape beside the machine. Please listen to it. I hope that it helps you to understand me better."
It had taken him ten minutes, till he had found the courage to listen to what Blair had to say to him
Hi, Jim......I wanted to say goodbye. I had almost written half a page when my mind finally clicked. Don't laugh, it does do that a few times a year. Anyway, after all we've been through together, I couldn't just leave. I know that you will certainly hate me for disappearing into the night without a warning. But it is better that way, someday you would have hated me anyway. Don't shake your head, Big Guy. No matter how much you keep denying it, it is my fault that you are blind and sooner or later you would have reached the same conclusion. Don't try to find me, I am making this call from a telephonebox on the highway, by the time you find out where I am, I will be long gone. Believe me, it *is* better this way. I've asked a friend of mine to take care of you. He has been working with blind people for over ten years now and there is a lot that he can teach you. His name is Kristopher Watson. I haven't told him about the fact that you are a Sentinel, I just told him that your senses are a bit *better* th an those of many people. I had to tell him about this, so that he can work out a program specifically tailored to you. I guess you will surprise him a few times. I would love to see his face. God, I'm starting to babble again, I am probably just talking the whole tape full. Okay I will try my best to make the rest brief. Yet there is so much I still have to say to you. First of all, I will always treasure the time we spent together, it was the best time of my life. It's somehow funny to see how we got from "Why are you in my face" from your side, and "You're a behavioral throwback to pre-civilized breed of man." from mine, to what we have now. Boy, I guess I'll never forget the look on your face at that moment, if looks could kill. Phew, don't want to think about it. And there is also something else......I love you James Ellison........I knew it for some time, but I was too afraid to say something, to find out that you didn't feel the same way or worse that you'd hate me.......You remember when we talked abou t the subject of love, I considered it as some kind of body reaction. Well, that was until I found out that I was in love with you. Now I know that it is much more than I can imagine, more than I will ever be able to find out. But believe me, there is nothing I wouldn't do, if I could do some research on the subject of 'You and Me'. What would you say about that, sounds pretty good to me. However, I know that I will never be able to. I think I did a pretty good job of hiding my feelings, considering that there is an old saying that "Love and Coughs can't be hidden." Don't ask me how or when it happened. It just happened, as you know, there are no greater secrets than love and hate. There are two other sayings I want to leave you, so that maybe you might understand me then. "It is hard to love those which we dislike, but is even harder to love those which we esteem higher than ourselves", and "In love we have to give three times before, we can take once." Till now I have only taken, I guess it is time to give something. Believe it, you will be better off without me. Maybe we'll see each other in another lifetime. I will miss you James Ellison......I love you......Bye.
He knew the speech by heart now, having listened to it so many times, but that did not imply that he understood it. Blair, why the hell didn't you tell me that earlier, why didn't you tell me that *before* you left. Why did you assume to know exactly what I feel, or what I think.
Simon's voice shook him of his memories "Jim?"
"He was feeling guilty for what happened even if it was not his fault. And he was so afraid, that one day I would think the same way and that I would hate him. So, as he learned all his life, he left. Why, Simon?"
"I don't know, Jim."
"Well, me neither. I just don't understand, no matter how hard I try"
"Jim, come on, I'll drive you home."
"Thanks, Simon."
Still one hour away from Cascade, the surroundings where already painfully familiar to Blair.
In that restaurant over there, they had eaten the day they had brought Simon to his high school reunion. They had been in such a good mood, joking around, having fun, even Jim had let down his guard for once. When they left, Simon had suggested that the next time they eat here, it will be the same day that hell finally freezes over. Maybe he should try and see if this was true.
Dianna told him that he could stay with her and no matter how much his pride resented this idea, his purse spoke otherwise. From even this far away he could see the lights of Cascade coming closer.
He is out there somewhere. His mind told him, and somehow this thought was frightening and comforting at the same time.
Time passed quickly while he was jumping through his memories and sooner than he expected he had reached the city.
Welcome to the City of Cascade
Yes, the City of Cascade, the City of Rain, of Sentinels and the city where every psychopath seemed to have a photo of Blair Sandburg, with the title 'perfect victim'.
But welcome? Was he really welcome here? Well, he would soon find out.
3 years of driving in the passenger seat had finally convinced Jim to get used to the fact, that even for a short time he had to giveup complete control to somebody else. It was easier when Simon was driving, but riding on the bus still gave him the creeps. Last week he had smelled alcohol on the breath of the driver and the brakes had sounded pretty weak.
"How are you?" Simon asked him silently.
"Fine. I think."
"It's Sandburg, isn't it?"
"After three years there are still times or incidents that happen and suddenly I feel like it was only yesterday that he left......If only he would've given me a chance. I would have told him that I would never hate him.
That it wasn't his fault. God Simon.....I made the trade more than willingly. It was either his life or my sight. I can live in blindness, but I could never imagine living without him."
"But you do..."
"Yes, I do. However today, when the Agents told us about the victims it was the same fear again. I haven't heard from him since the day he left his goodbye message. He could be dead without me ever knowing about it. What if he is one of the victims in the other cities. I should have done more to find him."
Simon laughed sarcastically "What *more* do you think you could have done. You sent a photo of him to every police station in the whole United States and you called every one in a 500 mile radius daily. Then you called Naomi, every one of his relatives, all his friends and almost every date he'd ever had. You were making them and youself crazy. If the doctor hadn't forced you to stop, you would've gone to search for him yourself. Believe me Jim, you did everything you could."
The tape which was playing stopped and instead the radio began to play. Simon leaned forward to turn the tape around, but Jim's hand stopped him short.
"Wait. This song, turn it up."
I won't ask you for a promise you can't make
I won't tie you to a bargain that you'll break
Love is just another counter in the trade
Like a coin it's easy spent but dearly made.
/../And the old Det, he runs slow, but he runs deep
And the raising tide will rock us both to sleep.
Like the River Det, my love runs deep and slow.
And it's with you Lover, wherever you may go./../
I won't ask you for forever just tonight.
Just the time between now and the morning light.
I won't tie my karma to you that's not fair.
And it's not the way to prove how much I care
/../
And the old Det...
/../
I won't beg you for the things you may not feel.
Just the little time together we can steal.
I won't ask you to say thing you know are lies.
For I know that Tears are all that's lying buys.
/../
And the old Det...
/../
But if you decide to stay here by my side.
Than I'll show you all the feeling that I hide.
And I'll try you to make than just stay.
And we'll show the world just how the game is played.
/../
And the old Det...
/../
Yes it's with you Lover wherever you may go.
"You okay, Jim?" Simon asked worried
"Yes. I'm fine" but he knew that his hoarse voice betrayed his steady outward appearance.
The car stopped in front of the Loft.
"You want me to stay for a few hours? Maybe you need someone to talk to."
"No, Simon, it's okay, go home." And to underline his words his hand moved to open the car door.
"But....."
"I know...I'll call you if I need to talk. Night Simon"
"Night Jim.....and take care"
"I will."
Cascade greeted him like it had wished him farewell - with rain.
He felt his clothing getting heavier with the soaked up water as he hurried to get a few things out of the car.
"Hurry up Blair!" he heard Dianna's voice coming from the door. "It's raining!!"
"No kidding? Thanks for telling me. I would never have guessed."
"Quit joking and come in." As soon as he had stepped through the doorway, the door closed behind him. "Get out of those clothes, before you catch your death."
"Yes, Madam." Smiling softly he looked at her for a few seconds before he raised his arms for an embrace.
She held her hand up to stop him, glancing at him with teasing eyes and a smile equal to his own "Don't you dare touch me, and don't even think about hugging me."
Throwing her a hurt expression as he held his hand over his heart.
"You don't like me. I'm devastated. There I am, just wanting to give you a small thank you for your kindness and you refuse. I'm heartbroken."
"Out!"
"Out???"
"Out of your clothes."
"You have to help me. I am confused here. No hugging, just a simple strip. You are the romantic type, aren't you."
"Out of your clothes and into the shower."
"Oh, the shower.....Okay"
And it's with you lover, wherever you may go the line of the song was still lingering on his mind.
"Why can't you just call." He whispered into the darkness. "Everything can be solved. You just have to believe in it."
The raindrops tapped against the windows of the Loft. It had also rained on the day that Blair had left. Shedding the tears that he wasn't able to. He didn't cry, he never had. His pain showed up in quiet ways. Then he sat there in the silence staring out of the window with blind eyes still seeing more than others, but they were seeing the past rather than the present.
Pictures on his mind of a time that was long gone. Sight, Taste, Hearing, Touch and Smells of what he remembered.Now, three years later, the smell of Blair had long since left the Loft, yet his presence had never really gone away.
Memories.
An old tape Turn that Jungle Music down, an old shirt Hey, it's one of my favorites. Believe me Jim, if it doesn't stand up by itself, it's not dirty yet, and some plants on the balcony Yes I am certain that they are legal.
"Your mouth to God's hearing-aid, Chief."
Like the corners of my mind.
We still wanna call them memories
of the Way we were
"I miss you Blair"
Can it be that it was all so simple than, or has life rewritten every line,
and if we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me
could we
should we
would we
"Would I?" Would I really tell him if I get the chance.
Once more in leiu of an answer he turned his hearing back to the outside. Listening as the rain continued to fall, while the wind played him a soft lullaby. Moments later he fell asleep.
"That's good", Blair stated with his mouth still full.
"You sure?"
"After eating for two months what I've eaten, you'd also think the same way about this meal. Believe me, for me it tastes like Manna from Heaven."
He took another bite.
"Dusty called today, didn't he?"
"Yes, he told me that he will be back in about 3 Days. The conference took longer than he thought. But then finally he will be home again. I miss him" she shook her head snorting "God I am sound like one of those model-type house wifes."
"No Dianna, you sound like somone in love, just like..."
She smiled at him softly "I know."
Feeling the walls coming closer to him, he decided for change in the theme and also because the talk had him reminded of something important which he would have almost forgotten.
"When do you have to be at the station?"
"8 o'clock"
"Then there is still time for you to change your clothes, isn't there? I hadn't realized that you have to go to the station today. I forgot about that, when I hugged you this morning."
Dianna looked at him like he had just snapped, her mouth hanging open.
"I don't want Jim to know that I'm here."
Now she added an amused confusion to her gaze.
"You don't really think that Jim will smell you because you embraced me once for 5 seconds."
Of course I believe it. After all Jim is a Sentinel. He could even smell what you had for breakfast, although there could be trouble with the garlic butter you were just eating
"That is a long story and maybe someday I will be able to tell you about it. Till then, you just have to believe me. Okay?"
"It has something to do with what happend at the safe-house."
"In a way......somehow, everything that happend seemed to be connected to that."
"Okay, I will wait." She shook her head "Blair Sandburg, has anyone ever told you that you are paranoid?"
"A lot, till my girlfriend's jealous boyfriend had turned out to be an ex-boyfriend of mine."
"Ouch", she winced sympatically
"That's what I said too."
Dianna left the house quietly through the backyard door still wearing the same clothes. She owed Blair a great deal for what had happened, she owed him her life and she really liked him. Otherwise, she would certainly not have played mailbox for him for over three years, but sometime she just didn't understand him. Most times she was able to pretty quickly figure out the people around her, yet Blair Sandburg had always managed to elude her. He didn't really believe that Jim would smell him on her, no, she was certain the problem was another one. Why he didn't talk with Jim, she could only assume.
Maybe if she continued to bug him, sooner or later he would give in.
She just had to be persistent.
One thing she certainly was.
Jim entered the station in a rather good mood. The clean air that was left from yesterday's rain kept his spirits high.
He clapped his stick together.
The moment he passed the security check he took a deep sniff, 'Wildfire' "Ah, good morning, Suzanne."
"How did you know?", an amazed voice called after him.
"I just know. See you later."
"One of these days, Jim Ellison, I will catch you making a mistake", he heard her whisper.
Not in this lifetime he thought back, a smile on his face.
When he finally reached his desk, he sat down and started to sort out all the smells that lingered in the air. Using the perfume and the scent of a person told you pretty quickly who was there and who wasn't. Blue Ocean? Hey I didn't know that Dianna was here today Yes, now he remembered that Simon had told him about the computer problems he'd been having this last week. Then, just as he was about to cross out her smell as well, something else reached his nose. A scent from long ago, but never really forgotten. *Blair!!* He could smell Blair. Not as clearly as if he was standing in the station, but clear enough.
Great, James Ellison.....this is the final straw. This is the evidence that now, finally, you have snapped for sure. The next birthday present you'll get will be a nice white jacket and a room with a lot of soft walls.
"Ellison," Simon's voice brought him out of his thoughts, as it literally barked through the room. "in my office."
He felt his watch. It was 08:30. They wouldn't meet with the FBI for another two hours.
What could he want?
Rising from his chair, he made his way to Simon's office. After he had become blind there had been many things that he had to learn, but finding the way to Simon's door had never been one of them, even during his temporary blindness in the Golden incident he hadn't had a problem with that.
Yes Sahib, I am coming Sahib .
"Yes Sir?"
Simon Banks was not having a good day, his guilt had gone into overdrive.
This morning they had found the fourth victim. It was a young man, married for two years with a 3 month old daughter. From the photos he saw, he looked like he'd been a very nice young man, certainly not somebody who would deserve a death like this. Yet, all he could think of was better him than Sandburg. But this was ridiculous, Blair Sandburg wasn't even close to Cascade. Jim entered the office. "Yes, Sir?"
"Close the door. There is something I have to talk about with you."
He waited till Jim was seated.
"We've found the fourth victim. His name is Ryan Page"
He watched as the other man closed his eyes, but even through his closed eyes, Simon saw the emotions that were going through his mind. Sadness, relief, happiness and guilt. They were the same emotions that he had experienced earlier today. He waited a few more seconds to give Jim time to regain his composure, then filled him in on the newest information about the case. When he was finished he said, "They expect us to be at the murder site in 20 minutes.....tops.."
A knocking on the door stopped him, "Yes"
The door opened and Dianna Alisander stuck her head in. "I'm finished with the computer, they ought to work fine now. We made a compromise, they don't make trouble and I don't destroy them so that they can be reborn as Spam-Cans in their next life. That seemed to have them convinced. Is yours still making trouble?"
"No, I think he's just gone into hiding. I'll just wait till he stops whimpering."
"Okay, just call me if there are any more problems. Bye Captain Banks, bye Jim."
"Bye, Miss Alisander."
Simon was about to continue where he had left off before they were interrupted, when he noticed Jim's empty look. Not that he didn't know it, after three years he was used to the fact that Jim would be staring into nothingness,whenever he wasn't talking to anybody, but he knew that this time it was something different.
"Jim?", he asked carefully. No reply. "Jim, come on." Great....Zone out.
This was one of the times, when he really missed having Sandburg around. The kid would've talked to him for a few seconds and Jim would've snapped out of it again. But at his best times, it still took Simon over 10 minutes to pull him back to reality. The chances were high that they would be late for the meeting with the Feds. Great. I'm really looking forward to explaining to them that we're late because Det. James Ellison decided to go for a zone-out
"Come on, Jim, snap out of it, just concentrate on my voice and keep breathing."
What had caused the zone-out? Well, now was not the time to think about that.
"Just listen to my voice"
Jim slowly came out of the zone out, every passing second he became aware of more and more details, like the smell of the cold coffee-cup in front of him, Hadn't it just been hot?, the fabric of his trousers and the voice of Simon Banks, which was talking to him in a gentle but worried tone. "That's fine, Jim, just keep breathing. Concentrate on my voice. Can you understand what I'm saying?"
Jim nodded, "Yes, I can hear you."
The next thing he heard, was Simon's breath of relief and the squeak as he sat down on his desk.
"You okay, Jim?"
"Yes, I'm fine."
"Then can you tell me, *What the Hell* just happened. You were zoned-out for over 1 hour."
"What? No, Simon, that's not possible."
"Believe what you want, buddy. My clock tells me otherwise. As I will be the
one with the pleasure to tell the Feds why we'll be 55 minutes late for the meeting, why don't *you* do me a favor and tell me what happened."
Frustrated, Jim drove his hand through his short hair.
"I would - if I only knew. I can remember you and I were talking about the case. You had just given me the cup of coffee and I put it down to let it cool down a bit. Then there was a knocking on the door. The door opened and..........." Blair, there was Blairs' smell. It was just like in the Bull Pen. Why did he start to smell Blair? Was his guide dead and his ghost had come back to haunt him.......No, Blair would never do something like that. So what had happened? Maybe if he tried he could find some resemblence of the smell. Slowly he felt himself drift off again, but the angry shaking of his shoulder brought him back.
"Jim, dammit, you have to stop this. Otherwise we're never going to get to the crime scene. So, what happened?"
"Sandburg. I smelled Blair."
"You mean his Deo. Someone was using the same Deo."
"No, I mean his scent."
"That's not possible. Maybe you just thought that you smelled him, because of the case. Maybe your memory is playing tricks on you."
"*NO*, Simon. I am sure"
He almost smiled at Simon's frustrated sigh,. "Let's get out of here."
"Yes, Sir"
Blair was quietly chewing his dinner.
"How was your first day back at Rainier? " Dianna's voice shook him out of his thoughts.
"Fine, Fine. No problems at all. Just like I'd never left."
"Then why have you been so troubled all afternoon."
"I am not troubled"
"Let me review this evening. You were *sitting* in that chair for over one hour, your hands *still* and your mouth *shut*. In your case, that qualifys you for either a caseload of trouble or at least a major breakdown. So once more, what's troubling you?"
Blair leaned back with a sigh, not much he could hide from her, but then again, having *him* quiet for over one hour would've even sent Simon Banks into worries.
"Everything is like I left it and there are moments when the door opens and I expect Jim to walk through. Just like old times."
"You want it to be like old times, don't you?"
"I would do anything", he answered desperately.
"Then do it Blair, all you have to do is talk with Jim."
"I can't." with these words he stood up and left the room.
Jim sat down on the couch heavily. It had been a long day. They hadn't caught the killer yet, and he had the feeling that they weren't even close to catching him.
The Agents were happy, in their eyes everything was an improvement to the status zero with which they had come into town with.
For example they had found out that their suspect liked cherry flavored
chewing gum, that he was smoking Havanna and that he was wearing 'Cool Water'.
The only *real* clue they had, had been the 'Garlic-Pills' and the 'Verbatim' he'd found on both of the sites. Forensic hadn't seen them, but his nose had not been so kind. He could still smell the garlic. Further research had brought up that both pills were very expensive and even then only available with prescription. The information they now had on 'Verbatim' was even better. The drug was only given to depressive patients after they had been filed in the Medical Computer.
But these small details and the decription they had so far, had been enough to give them the big clue. They finally had a name, 'Stuard Archer', and they had his picture.
"Impressive work." the Agents had said, fascinated. It was for them, after chasing the killer for two years he was at last more than a description, they had a face. They were used to leaving a town with 5 dead bodies behind. It no longer seemed to bother them. All they were chasing now was the murder. He got all their feelings, *the murder*, somehow Jim wasn't sure if he resented or envied them for this.
"He looks just like Sandburg." Simon had said with a shiver. Jim had only nodded, glad that he wasn't forced to see. But now the thought brought the old pictures up. Blair sitting close to him on the couch, telling him about the day he'd had. His face animated from one feeling to another with his hands moving as if he was doing the sign language, "And then.......do you know what he said.......he said that there is no way that Makeda is the Queen of Saba. Man, this fellow gets his knowledge from a cornflakes package.....You know what I told him...."
A smile appeared on his face, and before he knew what had happened he had fallen asleep.
Lost in his thoughts, Blair sat on the porch of Dianna's house. In his hand he was holding a delicate small golden chain. It had been Jim's present for his last birthday, the last one before the accident.
Everybody said that the detective was as easy to read as a old egyptian stone tablet. If that was so, Blair knew that he had found the Rosetta Stone.
He remembered Jim's face that day. So full of hope and excitement. Yet he could also see a bit fear that Blair wouldn't like the present.
Hell, I would have been happy, if all I would have gotten from you, would have been a kiss and a hug. Well maybe then I would have been more than just happy, overjoyed and ecstatic would be a better description.
"Well Chief, since *I* have an Animal Guide to protect me, I thought that, maybe you'd need some of this spirit as well. Let's face the truth, I am sure it will not die of boredom. I hope it will protect you. Happy Birthday."
He remembered holding the delicate chain in his hands for the first time, watching the small figure hanging at it's end.
"It's an Ocelot.....I know I said I would send you a card. But I though that this would be better....since I couldn't find one that said 'Thanks for being my Guide, I really appreciate all the things you do for me and please forgive me for being such a hardass Sentinel sometimes.'........"
Blair remembered that he had only nodded, not trusting his voice to say anything.
Then the next thing he knew was that he held Jim in a very tight embrace.
"Thanks", he'd whispered.
"Anytime, Chief."
He had been so grateful back then, and that had been before he had found out that Jim had spent an *entire* afternoon in the library. Reading book after book. Searching for a Guide for his Guide.
The Ocelot - Leopardus pardalis. Strong and Compact body. Intelligent, small head big eyes. As beautiful and elegant as the Jaguar. If he hadn't been in love already he would have fallen that moment, for he had lost his heart in Jim's blue eyes forever.
"Okay, now do your job. Guide me." For minutes he kept looking at the chain as if he was waiting for an answer, but there was none. "Maybe you are as tired as I am."
He sighted as he put his chain back around his wrist. Just as he was about to close the clasp, it broke.
"Great, thanks a lot man. That's *not* what *I* call help. Now I have to go to the mall tomorrow to get you repaired. Great."
Standing up he turned around to go back into the house. One day down, still only 59 to go.
It was a persistant ringing that woke Jim this morning. At first he was confused that he wasn't on the couch anymore, he didn't remember moving up here. Another ringing. The sounds of the street, told him that it was too early for the alarm and it was rather his mind than his senses that reminded him, that it was telephone. At a touch the clock told him, that as he had guessed right, it was only 4:45. Hope it's really important Feeling his way along the railing of the stairs he made his way in quick and confident strides.
"Ellison"
"Jim, can you be ready to be picked up in 10 minutes."
"Yes."
Simon didn't have to say what had happened. Jim knew it, they had found the 5th victim.
He turned around to get dressed.
Everything in his body wanted him to sit down. A child had been killed, and the killer had very likely left the country. But before he had left them a message in which he had taunted them to catch him.
Maybe this time he'd find more. He hoped they would.
It was 5 hours later that they entered Simon's office. As wise as before and even more angry. The scent he had found had only confirmed what they already knew and the letter only had raised their pulse rather than to answer questions.
Hello Gentleman
As I have told you once before, I am quite flatted with your attention. Maybe we could meet some time. I'll be in Vancouver in about a month, maybe we might see each other there. I have some very nice photos from the family this time. Looking forward to the next round.
Till later
"Vancouver, at least we have a clue this time. Thanks for your help, Gentleman, we'll stop by later to talk about the further investigation. Till then, we still have to inform our office about the results. Bye." and the Agents vanished out of the door.
Simon watched as the door closed behind them.
Jim's frustrated breath made him turn his head.
"That's it. Bye, see you in another life time. The body of this child has hardly turned cold."
"You have to understand them. The killer is gone. All they can do now is try to catch him next time."
"It's just..I hoped...."
"I know, Jim. I know."
"Maybe, you should knock it off for the evening."
"To do what?"
"I really need your help. With all this trouble the last few days, I haven't had the time to buy a present for Daryl's birthday, which is today."
"Simon,..."
Simon's voice cut him short.
"Look Jim. There is nothing you can do for the child, he is gone. But I have a child that is still alive, and all that I could think about, since I saw the body is that I want to see my boy, and I want to see him smile." He made a pause "So, are you going to help me?"
"Yes, I will help you. It will be a distraction, but I still don't like it."
"Neither do I, Jim. But there is nothing we can do."
"Let's go."
Second Floor, fifth Shop to the right after the Veggie restaurant and the Clothing Shop. Yes, there it was. Simmon's Jewelry. Just like Dianna had told him. He hoped that it wouldn't be too expensive. So that he would be able to pay for it after his first check.
He entered the shop.
"Hello, Sir. What can I do for you?"
Jim left the Clothing Shop chuckling. "Let me see if I got this right. We've just been through the entire collection which they were offering and all you bought for him was a gift certificate. I don't think you made many friends in there, Simon."
"I just couldn't decide what he would like. It was hard to find something for him when he was younger and it's even harder now."
"Why didn't you take the shirt that I showed you. It felt good."
"Jim, it was Neon-Pink."
"How was I suppose to knew. I just know that it felt good...."
"Jim the *color* was horrible, you'd have to be blind......" Jim heard Simon letting out a sigh at his companions' hearty snicker, he could clearly imagine the look he was throwing heavenwards.What have I done.
His stick hit another one of those flowerpots which were standing along the way. He enhanced his hearing a bit to make sure that he was clear. "Like I said...." Wait, what was that (((Please I insist....))) Blair, that was Blair's voice, he was sure. He tuned down his others senses to search for the familiar heartbeat. There it was, the heartbeat he knew better than his own.
"Jim, what's going on?"
"Simon,...Blair is here."
There was a sigh from Simon, "Jim, I think that I should give you some time off, this is really starting to get serious."
"No, I am sure, just follow me."
"If it makes you feel better. I just hope that you're not too disappointed."
(((Thanks very much that you can finish it today.)))
"Just follow me", he said before he broke into a run.
Blair was still stunned, this man had just told him that he would repair his bracelet today and for free. Just because he had helped his son at the U.
"How is Mark doing?"
"Oh, he is doing fine. Better than ever. Sorry that I can't chat right now, but we can finished talking when you pick it up in a few hours." His gaze went over Blair's shoulder as he greeted his next costumer. "Yes, Gentlemen. What can I do for you?"
With a smile on his face, Blair turned around to leave, he stopped cold when he saw the person standing opposite from him.
"Jim"
The next thing he felt was a tight embrace that for a second let him forget about all his worries and fears and just feel at home again. But the arms parted again and he saw Jim look into his direction.
"Why?" Jim whispered. His face was a mask, but Blair could see his jaw twitch.
"I don't know....I thought it was the best for us and I still do." Sure, then why did your voice just go down to a murmur.
"No, I'm not talking about your leaving. I'm talking about you not telling me about it before. You can talk for 60 minutes an hour, 24 hours a day, 30 days a month. You never once told me how you felt."
"I was afraid of what you might do."
"Aha, so you just *assumed* what I would feel, instead of talking to me and finding out the truth."
"Maybe, I was afraid of the truth."
"Maybe, I would have surprised you, Blair. If you would have given me the chance."
Blair felt at loss for an answer, he could only assume and pray what Jim was going to say.
"NO, Blair. You didn't give me a chance at all. You told me how you felt and took off. Out of the Loft, out of town and out of my life. So, now I repeat my question. WHY?" Jim's raised his voice with every word.
Blair felt a chuckle rising in his chest. Here they were, behaving like an arguing couple, even if they never took that step.
"Answer me, dammit. I want to know what you're thinking."
Now the smile had reached his face. "That's easy", he whispered. Placing his hands on Jim's shoulder, while he raised to his toes, he leaned forward to kiss him. When his mind started working again, he looked up into Jim's face, afraid of the answer he might find there.
"Let's go home to the Loft. We have a lot to talk about." was the only thing he got. It was most certainly better than what he had feared. He had done what he had dreamed of for so long. Now Jim can kill me. I would die happy.
He felt a blush creep up his face when he found Simon standing behind Jim. A nervous smile, "Hi, Simon."
Blair knew that from where he stood, he had seen the whole incident. Well that would be a problem for later.
If he was still alive then.
They drove back to the Loft in silence. Blair had already entered the building, while Jim had stayed to say goodbye to Simon.
"Tell him."
"I guess I will." Then he heard Simon's car pull away.
When he reached the Loft, he realized that Blair was still standing outside.
"I left my key......... you remember." Jim just nodded and searched for his own.
The door was opened and they both entered. Home, Jim thought smilingly, somehow after three years the word seemed to fit again.
"Is there beer in the fridge." Another nod. He heard Blair turn around and go back into the living room. His voice started to rise as he paced in front of Jim.
"Talk to me. Scream, shout, send me to hell. Just say something. I know I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have gone and I shouldn't have kissed you. But finally seeing you was just too much. When I left, it was because I couldn't live with the fact that you might hate me. So I left. But now, standing here, seeing you, I feel like I never want to leave again."
Silence.
"Please Jim, say something, anything. Please." He was begging now.
"I love you, Blair."
"Well, now that it's been said, I guess I can leave again...........YOU DO WHAT!!!!"
Jim laughed, "I love you." He could almost see his Guide's face at that moment.
"Why didn't you tell me that before I had my nervous breakdown here."
"Payback's a bitch."
"You aren't kidding me here, are you? Paying back the eyes with breaking my heart."
Shaking his head, Jim stood up to take his Guide's face in both hands. "I would never want to hurt you, Love." Then he leaned down for a long and lingering kiss. Promising much more.
When the kiss broke Jim could hear Blair's gasp for breath. "You are sure
about this?" he asked breathless.
"I had three years to think about this. Yes, Blair, I am sure."
"But.....", Blair started. However Jim's finger on his lips stopped him.
"Just listen to me. I know that I can't make you promise me to stay. I won't ask you to promise me something that we both know would be a lie. But there is one thing that I would ask you for. Give me one night. Just one and after that, you promise me to think about staying here. Promise?"
"I promise," he whispered in a husky voice, then his mouth was once again closed with a kiss.
Breathless he leaned forward as his head came to rest on a strong chest. This was much better than he had hoped for. Jim had said he loved him and he had meant it. The tears started to run down his cheeks before he could stop them. God, he felt so stupid, having lost three years, just because...He felt Jim stop playing with his locks then soft fingers started to caress his cheek as they wiped away the tears.
"What's the matter, love?"
"Nothing, just confused, angry, happy, sad, feeling stupid and completely in love."
"If that's so, I guess all you need is a distraction." His voice was sounding throaty now and when Blair turned around he could see a mischevious smile forming on the older man's lips. Then a hand turned to the waistband Blair's jeans. "Yes, I guess a distraction is needed here."
Blair didn't remember when they had moved upstairs or when they had undressed down to their shorts. The only thing he knew was that, now lying enclosed in Jim arms, gave him a feeling of love like he had never felt it before.
Blair just closed his eyes, when he felt his boxers slip down and tender hands starting to move over his body.
Jim had only asked for one night. "I love you, Jim", he whispered.
"I know, Love."
"Then show me"
"That's what I wanted to hear."
When Jim woke up the next morning the first thing he recognized was the smell of his Guide all around him.
Then last night came to his mind with brilliant clarity. Taste, Smell, Hearing and Touch had certainly be in use yesterday. He reached over but stopped when he realized that the other side of the bed was cold. So he had left once more . Jim had been so full of hope that Blair would stay.
However he had made a promise. One night, and then he could decide whatever he wanted.
Picking up his trousers, from where they had been thrown to last night, he made his way down the stairs. Both expecting and fearing what would greet him. He was not disappointed.
His finger rested a few inched over the play botton. No, he had to hear what his Guide had to say to him. Better get the pain over with.
He pressed the button and seconds later Blair voice sounded through the speaker.
Hi, Jim. Sorry that I left so early, but Dianna called and told me that she had a broken waterpipe in her flat and that she would need my help. I didn't want to wake you, you looked so peaceful. I promise to be back in about two hours. See you then, love. Bye.
Jim tried to hold back the tears that were running down his cheeks, but it was too late. The relief he felt was too big.
Then he heard a key in the door....
"Morning, Jim." Blair's voice greeted him, but stopped whatever he wanted to say, when he saw the tears.
"You didn't.....you did....Oh my God...I am sorry, Jim." He wrapped his arms around the bigger man, feeling once more at a loss for words. This was beginning to be a habit.
"I thought you left."
"I would never leave you, love", Blair declared strongly.
"I know, I guess I just needed to hear it from you." He smiled softly as he leaned forward.
Closing his eyes, Blair felt himself melt into the kiss. God he could stay here for hours Safe in the love from those piercing blues eyes, protected in those arms.
"So what's for breakfast?" he whispered.
"Always the romantic, aren't we?" the other man teased.
"Don't tell me, it's my stomach who is complaining."
"Well, how about last night's dinner?"
"But last night.....", a smile crept on Blair's face as understanding dawned on him.
Then a kiss closed his mind. Maybe forever might not be that bad.
PSI: There will be a few changes to the story after I finish "Eyes of Blue"
" Don't worry about your sanity if you are talking to your computer :) -
just worry about it when they are talking back ;-)"
"It isn't supposed to do that. IS IT????" One day after the first Computer had been built (or many user after installing Windows 95.)