AN: Not serious in the slightest. Really, expect crack. Lambert as Carlisle crack. Sorry. Based on the movie version for simplicity/brevity's sake. Short fic, five chapters max.
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I never gave much thought as to how I would die. But dying for someone I love, seems like a pretty good way to go.
Dying for someone with about two ounces of brain matter who fell into a really obvious trap by being an oblivious moron, however, not so much.
Remind me to reincarnate as a squirrel and run up his pant leg.
Moonlight
Serena sighed as she stared at the distant horizon, the sun slowly setting as she cradled her raccoon Wally in her arms. Behind her, she vaguely registered the frustrated sound of someone trying to cram a surfboard into the passenger's seat of a car.
"So this is goodbye, comfortable Los Angeles suburb," Serena whispered sadly to the slowly disappearing horizon of the small town that totally geographically exists.
"Serena, get your ass in gear!" Came the voice of her older brother as he honked the horn of the car full of all their worldly possessions.
Serena scowled, turning around, "I'm trying to have a poignant and character-establishing moment here!"
"Screw that, I'm bored!"
"Ugh!" Serena said, throwing her arms up into the air with exasperation. Unfortunately, she had forgotten that Wally had been in her arms and was now proudly serving as the first airborne raccoon.
The teenage girl made her way over to the car, glaring at Collin through the rolled down window on the driver's side, "Remind me why you're uprooting me from all I've ever known and loved to move into a crime ridden city?"
Collin rolled his eyes, "We'll be closer to the beach."
"You're moving me out of a high school that offered to pay for college courses!"
"Waves, Serena. Waves."
"You're impossible," Serena mumbled under her breath, going around to sit on the passenger's side.
"No way, little sis, Luella's sitting there," Collin said, eying the surfboard next to him.
Serena began to strongly doubt her brother's state of mind when she realized that he had placed the surfboard in a seatbelt. Sighing dejectedly, she once again threw her arms up in the air. Oddly enough, Wally had the coherency to swan dive in that general direction and landed in her hands. With a huff, Serena climbed into the backseat, trying to make room for herself and her amazing flying raccoon in the piles of luggage.
"Alright, we're off to a new life of adventure!" Collin cried triumphantly.
"Great," Serena agreed with much less enthusiasm.
With that, the car drove off into the sunset-
Two minutes later
-only to go straight into about three hour's worth of bumper to bumper traffic. Rush hour.
Three hours and two minutes later
"We're here!" Collin crowed as they pulled into a driveway that was one school zone and three miles away from their old house.
Serena scratched her head, noticing that the house appeared vacant, "Where are our parents?"
Collin's eyes went slightly vacant.
"Collin, honey, I'm going to go get some milk and beef jerky down at the corner store. You're okay with watching your sister for about ten to twenty years, right?" Came the saccharine voice of Mrs. Killingsworth as she headed out the door.
A six year old Collin went back to making a fort out of cardboard boxes. He had left his baby sister in one of them and figured that she would show up eventually.
"It took three days," he muttered absently.
Serena rose an eyebrow, not realizing that Collin was reliving the reason why she was terrified of UPS stores, "What?"
Collin coughed into his hand, "Nothing. Let's unpack!"
---
Serena gave yet another soft sigh as she sorted all of her precious photographs on her new dresser. Pictures of people who lived only one school zone and three miles away were stared at nostalgically. She would probably never see them again. Ever.
A knock on her door disrupted her thoughts, as she turned to see Collin in her doorframe.
"Hey, uh, Serena, some chick wearing gang colors left an unlocked, mostly street legal truck in our driveway and even though you're not old enough for a license I was wondering if you wanted the keys I found in the ignition? There's only a little blood in the backseat."
Serena gave a smile, "Sure, people in Los Angeles sure are friendly!"
Things were looking up. She had only been here a few hours and already someone had given her a free car! Super duper! Maybe school the next day wouldn't totally suck after all…
---
As soon as Serena pulled up into the parking lot, she was positive that school that day was going to totally suck. People's heads turned as the beat to hell truck pulled into a space, mostly because there was something that looked suspiciously like bullet holes through the doors in the cab.
Awkwardly, Serena killed the engine and began to get out of the cab. She tripped slightly on the way out, since she was adorably klutzy. Everyone's stares seemed to burn a hole through her as she made her way towards the front of the building.
"Great, everyone hates me already," she said sadly.
Little did she know, they were all secretly lusting after her average, not at all beautiful looks and wibbling at how adorably klutzy she was.
The poor girl barely made it through the front door when someone suddenly appeared at her side.
"Hi! You must be Serena!" Came the overenthusiastic greeting of a boy that appeared to be her age.
She groaned. Not again, "Look, those pictures up on that website were photoshopped and I really don't have three-"
"My name's Jerome, and despite knowing you for all of five seconds, I totally think you're the best person ever! Everyone else I've met up until this point are complete plebes. Thank you for brightening my existence!" he continued, ignoring her incriminating statement as he walked next to her, inwardly debating whether or not Serena would notice if he cut off a lock of her hair.
"That's nice. But I'm a very smart, capable person so I'm more interested in showing up to class on time, than associating with normal people-"
"I completely understand! Hey, Serena, do you mind if I run an article about you for the school paper?"
Her nose wrinkled, "Um, no thanks-"
"Have a Serena themed meal every Wednesday in the cafeteria? Create and dedicate a minor religion in your name? Oh! How about I get your face tattooed on my-"
Serena sighed, "Look, Jerome, you seem very nice but I don't want to make a bad impression by being late on my first day, so I'll talk to you after school-"
Jerome's eyes grew wide as he said in a very, very quiet voice, "Please love me."
Serena stopped in her step, blinking slowly, "Excuse me?"
Jerome's face transformed back into his eerie smile, "Nothing, see you in gym!" He declared quickly before darting away in the opposite direction.
Serena continued to attempt to process the bizarre encounter, before scratching her head in confusion. She was only mildly disturbed to discover that one of her ringlets was missing.
People in Los Angeles sure were…friendly.
---
Serena had seen a lot of weird classes in her day, having been enrolled in an interpretive arts school for most of junior high, but nothing quite prepared her for the combination gym/orchestra class. To her misfortune, she found herself on the list for indoor bow (the one she played cello with) archery.
The people who set up the curriculum in Los Angeles were way weird. Or had an over enthusiasm for word play.
Sighing, she seemed to be doing a lot of sighing these days, Serena lined up, notching her musical bow into her shooting things bow, eyeing the target when-
"Oh my god Serena I've totally missed you these two hours and forty seven minutes we've been a part!" Came Jerome's head suddenly from under her armpit.
Startled, Serena jerked her arm upwards, the bow shooting off. She quickly looked to see where it was heading, terrified to see it going straight for the students playing bass-ball.
"Watch out!" she cried, as the bow flew perfectly across the strings of a student's cello that he was using to swing, as he was up to bat. The bow made a perfectly romantic musical sound as the batter turned to face Serena for the first time.
Dark, coffee-colored orbs widened in what could only be true love as he stared upon the new girl from the suburbs that had almost killed him.
He was by her side in an instant, down on one knee and pressing an oh-so tender kiss to her hand, "Hello. My name," he tilted his head down, hair dramatically covering his eyes, "Is Zahi. Who are you?"
"Serena?" She said, a bit shocked at the oddity of what had just occurred.
"Oh, hey Zahi, totally awesome play out there," came a somewhat bitchy voice as a beautiful blonde girl made her way over to the horribly confused new girl, "Oh. You must be the new girl. Hate your hair. I'm Morgan. Your shoes suck."
Serena blinked, feeling surrounded by craziness. She slowly moved away from Jerome who was heavily breathing down her neck, and pulled her hand from Zahi's, "I think I need to go home."
"NO YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME I NEED YOU!" Cried Jerome suddenly, inhaling deeply on the hair he cut off from Serena when she wasn't looking.
Everyone stared at him with a mixture of horror and disgust. Jerome laughed awkwardly before tucking the hair back into the waistband of his pants, "I mean, uh, you should totally have lunch with us first."
"Yes, allow me to stare at you for a few more precious moments," Zahi said wistfully.
Serena uncomfortably shifted her weight from foot to foot, more than a little nervous about saying no to these psychos, "Um, what are we having?"
"Chicken patties."
Serena smiled weakly, "Great, I, uh, love chicken patties."
Morgan rolled her eyes, "What. Ever. Just don't eat too many of them, fatass."
---
Lunch at La Brea High School was severely strange, Serena noticed as she was dragged away from the gym/orchestra pit and into the school's cafeteria. Everyone seemed to be sitting together grouped by attractiveness, with one table in the far corner that had a spotlight focused on it and a sign that said 'Reserved' in fancy script. She was pleased to notice that she was able to sit at the table for the second most hottest group of people.
"So, Serena, since we're going to be classmates we should get to know each other better…" Jerome trailed off as he took a seat next to her, Zahi on her other side, with Morgan across from them, "Like what's your sign? Home address? Favorite color? Social security number? Tree closest to your bedroom window?"
Serena backed her seat away from him a little, "Uh…"
"Leave her alone, Jerome," Zahi said distastefully, staring soulfully into Serena's eyes, "Serena deserves to be wooed."
"Oh, barf," Morgan commented tastefully, pulling out a nail file and sharpening her claws.
"Hey guys, is this seat taken?" Greeted a boring girl as she took a seat next to Jerome, "Hi, I'm Corrine. Hate your hair. Your shoes suck."
Serena stared sadly down at her shoes, a finger winding through her hair, "I'm Serena," she introduced herself with next to no enthusiasm.
"I don't really care," Corrine said with a shrug, turning to Morgan, "Pass the ketchup."
Morgan didn't look up from her talons, grabbing the ketchup and squeezing it into Corrine's lap.
"Bitch!" Swore Corrine, standing and dabbing at her pants with napkins.
"Those pants were a travesty," was all she offered in return.
Serena groaned, leaning her face against her hand as she stared out the windows of the cafeteria, hoping that something, anything, would distract her from these obviously insane people…
Meanwhile, outside the cafeteria…
"Alright, we're going to go Cassandra, Tymmie, Kelly, and Karyl this time," Stanton said firmly, gesturing towards the entrance of the door.
"What? Why?" Tymmie muttered.
"Because we have to start from least hottest to hottest-"
Karyl blushed simultaneously as Cassandra curled her fingers into a fist.
"-leading up to the beautiful climax that is me walking into a room," Stanton finished easily.
Tymmie groaned, "I'll never understand why Lambert left you in charge when we're at school."
"It takes us at least ten minutes to get organized enough to enter a building," Kelly agreed sadly.
Stanton frowned, "Shut up and assume your rankings of attractiveness!"
There was assorted mumbling from the other members of the Malmaris family, before they grudgingly got into order, but not before Cassandra kicked Stanton in the shin.
Inside the cafeteria…
"Who are they?" Serena wondered out loud, noticing a group of impossibly attractive people in coordinated outfits strolling into the school's lunch room with grace and next to no effort.
Morgan sighed heavily, digging around in her purse for a moment before pulling out a notebook. She opened up to the first page and read dully, "Those are Dr. and Mrs. Malmaris's foster kids. They're all impossibly hot and super good at sports and on the honor roll and can only shit sparkles," she flipped the page as the first Malmaris child graced the mundane students with her presence. She took a glare around before linking arms with an equally fabulous boy with bleached blond hair that was dark at the roots. They made their way to the fancy table.
"The mean looking one is Cassandra, she's with the bald guy Tymmie. Like, you know, doing the nasty. Totally gross. Because, I mean, look at them and think about what kind of children that would spawn. Hideous. I'd chuck that baby right off a cliff-"
Morgan, noticing the somewhat horrified stares she was receiving from around the table, tactfully cleared her throat and turned to the next page of the Malmaris Family Stats book just as two more came in.
"The adorable one is Kelly. She has poor eyesight, since she's dating Karyl-"
Karyl pouted. Morgan wasn't exactly using an indoor voice.
"And that leaves us with-" Morgan trailed off as she flipped to the last page, and the cafeteria went silent as the unmistakable sound of chimes filled the air.
All the girls in the cafeteria, plus Karyl, simultaneously let out dreamy sighs.
"Stanton."