From: "just mac"
Subject: truth&light (1/1) Just Mac
Date sent: Sat, 10 Jan 1998 22:53:38 +0100
TITLE:The Truth and the Light
AUTHOR: Katie Taylor
EMAIL ADDRESS:
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: anywhere!
SPOILER WARNING: Blessing Way/Paper Clip?
RATING: I'd say PG at most
CONTENT WARNING:MSR/A
CLASSIFICATION: S
SUMMARY: Mulder leaves after finding his sister.
DISCLAIMER: Fox Mulder, Dana & Melissa Scully & Co. unfortunately don't
belong to me :-( (well, they do in my delusions, but). They really belong
to CC, 1013, FOX, DD, GA, yadda yadda yadda. I ain't makin' no money, so
please don't sue me...Pretty please, w/ a cherry on top? Thank-you
kindly!! :-)
Author's note: this is my first piece of FF, or at least the first piece
remotely suitable for posting, so please be kind! But seriously, all
comments are welcome and even encouraged!! I don't know, do you think it's
a little mushy and slightly more unrealistic than most X-Files?
THE TRUTH AND THE LIGHT
by Katie Taylor
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
September 10, 1998
Dear Missy;
Even in death, you are still the only person I can talk to. Especially
now that Fox is gone . . .
Samantha Mulder's body was found not long ago & I attended the funeral with
Fox. I had to be there to help him through this. His mother wouldn't. We
stayed long after the others had left. He knelt in front of the small
grave for a long time. I knelt beside him & tried to comfort him. I held
him as he cried & apologized to her. I cried as well as I heard him blame
himself. I have tried so long to convince him it was not his fault.
Then, after a long silence, he told me that there was nothing left for him
here. There was no reason to stay in the X-Files because she was found, &
there was no reason to stay in the area because she would never come
looking for him. He told me he wanted to outrun his memories & guilt. He
thought if he went far enough away that he would eventually lose them.
I tried to convince him to stay. To look for the truth he would find in
the X-Files. Because I loved him. He acted like he didn't hear me, & he
refused & walked away. I called after him that I would wait for him
forever. I thought it would stop him, but it didn't.
That was a week ago, Missy, I don't know if I can live without him. Do you
think he will ever come back? God, I hope so. & Missy, I will wait for
him forever. There is no one I could possibly love more than him. I wish
I had told him how I felt earlier. Maybe things would have turned out
different.
Dana.
October 2, 1998
Dana;
There are things I need to tell you, so I am writings you this letter, but
I will never send it, so you can forget me & move on. I wish it were that
easy for me. I will write this letter & then put it with all other things
I have willed myself to forget, without success. As must as I try to get
you out of my head. I doubt I ever will.
The day of the funeral you were there for me, more than I could ever repay.
But you have always been there for me for everything. I only wish you
could say the same about me. I failed you so many times, & I am sorry for
that.
When I told you I was leaving you told me you loved me. It would never
work because we worked together. I would only hurt you. I am sure you
only said that because you knew how I feel about you & you thought it
would make me stay. But I would rather spend 10 lifetimes alone &
miserable without you than to hurt you. You see, one thing I didn't tell
you was that I hoped you would never love anyone like you said you loved
me, because I love you, too, Dana. More than I could ever express to you.
I love you & I want you to be happy & I know you could never truly be happy
with me., because no matter how much I love you, I can never truly be
happy.
Yours Forever,
Fox
January 30, 1999
Dear Missy;
Oh God, I miss him. I've taken some time off from the X-Files, because
it's getting too much for me. I've asked Skinner if he can get me a new
office. Every time I walk in there, all I can think about is him. I told
Skinner that it was because it was too big for just one person. I think he
knew I was lying. That copy room is hardly big enough for one person. My
leave is almost up, & I'll have to go back to work on Monday.
I didn't think I could possibly miss him this much, but I don't know what
I'll die if he doesn't come home soon. I don't know why I even think he
will. He never said he would. But I hope he does come back soon.
I haven't even heard form him since he left, & I don't know where he is.
Dana.
February 14, 1999
Dana;
It's Valentine's Day and I'm not with you. This day never held much
meaning for me, until I met you. You can't know how hard it was for me to
leave you alone at that graveyard, as I walked away from you forever. But
know this-I'm still with you. As much as I try, it's so hard to get you
off of my mind. Sometimes I call your apartment when you're at work just
to hear your voice on your answering machine.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. My memories haven't left,
me my guilt is still with me & I don't have you. I haven't gained
anything, & I've lost everything. I've lost Samantha, I've lost any work
that meant anything to me. And I've lost you. If you really meant what
you said, perhaps we could have been happy together. Perhaps I could have
been happy.
Yours Forever,
Fox.
November 21, 2007
Dear Missy;
Today was Samantha's birthday. I went to the church & lit a candle for
her.
Fox. Skinner retired & I have taken his place.
It's finally starting to sink in Fox will never be coming back. I need
him & he's miles away & there's nothing I can don. I don't know where he
is or even if he's still alive. I want to hate hi for leaving me, but I
can't. I wonder where he is & I hope he is finally happy.
Pendrell is still getting after me. I think if he saw Fox now he would
kill him. He hates that Fox, as he put it, 'abandoned' me almost 10 years
ago, & I still won't go out with him, or anyone. No one could ever make me
as happy as Fox would. I promised I would wait for him, & I will.
I wish you were here, Missy. I wish you could help, by more than just
listening. I wish you were here because then I wouldn't be alone anymore.
Dana.
September 10, 2008
Dana;
It's been 10 years since I last saw you. You are all I think about. I
couldn't stay with you because you deserve someone who can be all you need.
I couldn't. I still can't. I have too much pain & guilt I would only
drag you down with me. Since I was young I've lived with this. I wish I
could break it for you. I would die for you but not be with you. A better
man never would have left you. I wish I could have been that man for you.
I can't possibly be with you with the knowledge that I could put you in
danger-or hurt you in other ways. If it wasn't for me you never would have
been assigned to the X-Files & never would have been faced wit all those
dangers. I am sorry for that.
It's killing me that I am not with you. Every second that goes by I have
to convince myself I made the right decision. I have to stop myself from
calling you to tell you I was wrong & can't live without you anymore. I
can never tell you that. You could be married & happy. I've often wanted
to check, but am always too scared to know the answer.
I wish there was a way to get you out of my mind. I' wish I could stop
loving you.
Always;
Fox.
August 7, 2009
Dear Missy;
it's been another year. I've engulfed myself in my work. The emptiness in
my heart seems to grow more each year. I'm at work now. I just couldn't
wait until I got home to talk to you. Agent Pendrell died a few weeks ago
in the line of duty. Walter & I have become good friends. He's helped me
a lot with this lately. It's good to finally have someone to really talk
to, but it's so much easier to talk to you. I haven't told him everything.
It's too hard, but I'm sure he figured it out long ago.
I still ache when I think of him; which is always. I wonder if he'd
finally happy. I don't mind if he never comes back , as long as he'd
finally happy. That's all I ever wanted for him & I wish I could have made
him happy.
But I still long for the day when . . .
Assistant Director Dana Scully looked up from her small journal, quickly
wiping her tears away before answering her secretary on the intercom.
"I'm sorry, Dana, but this man insisted he see you, he says you know him."
"Send him in, Ann," she said, closing the book. She stood to greet the
impending visitor, but fell back to her seat when the door opened.
"Fox?" The man smiled.
"It's 'Mulder', remember?"
Just Mac