Disclosures in the Dark
Outside the Swamp, the camp was utterly quiet; it was after midnight. After a long day, everyone was tucked away in their tents for the night. Frank, however, was on post-op duty, which made Hawkeye happy for a slew of reasons. The main one being that it meant he and B.J. could have one of their meandering bedtime conversations, the kind that could last for hours, if they both had the desire to ramble that long. The lights were out and they were sprawled on their respective cots, both of them face up, unmoving. Hawkeye found that he actually liked it better when they didn't look at each other during these chats. It was easier to reveal things in the dark.
"Beej?" If he got no response, it meant that B.J. was either asleep or nearing sleep and not interested in conversation, and that would be the end of that. But of course he always hoped to get an answer, because he loved these late-night talks. They were becoming the highlights of his time in Korea.
"Yeah, Hawk." There was a smile in his voice. He knew what was coming, though not necessarily what to expect.
"Does God exist?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm, no hesitation. So there's no doubt in your mind, then."
"As Father Mulcahy will tell you, faith is the belief in something you can't see or prove. I have faith."
"So there's an afterlife? Heaven and hell?"
B.J. took some time to think about this. "Yes, there's an afterlife. I'm not sure if it amounts to heaven vs. hell, but I do believe our souls go on after our bodies give out." A pause, an audible yawn, then, "Don't you?"
"I'd like to think so. But it's not as easy for me as it is for you, to take that kind of stuff on faith. I have a lot of doubts and questions. I like the idea of an afterlife, it's comforting, you know. But what or who would we find there? Our families, our friends, our pets? What about alcohol and playing cards and barbecued spare ribs? If those things aren't there, then how much fun can it be?"
B.J. laughed. The sound bounced around the tent. "Hawkeye, if there's an afterlife and I can't spend it with you, then I don't want to go."
And there it was. Another one of B.J.'s off-the-cuff, achingly candid remarks, the kind that sent Hawkeye's head swimming. Spoken oh-so-casually, as though it had simply traveled from heart to tongue without even stopping to check with the brain first. Disclosures in the dark, as Hawkeye had come to think of them. Someday he was going to write them all down, like some sort of free-form poem, and title it just that, "Disclosures in the Dark." He could remember them all, they were seared into his brain. B.J. didn't necessarily rattle off a memorable line every time they had one of these talks. It wasn't a given. But on the occasions he did, the thought was heart-stoppingly beautiful. One time he had sleepily said, "I came to Korea expecting to help and heal, but I'm getting more than I'm giving here. I got you." That was Hawkeye's favorite of them all.
After a comfortable silence, Hawkeye picked up his riff where he left off. "Also, if the afterlife is going to make any sense at all, it will need to have the four seasons. You can't just have one season all year round, even if the weather's perfect day after day. That's just too monotonous, it would drive anyone crazy."
There was no response and Hawkeye realized that B.J. had fallen asleep. He didn't take it personally; in fact, in a way it was sweet. Sometimes their conversations had all the effects of warm milk and a bedtime story on B.J. Close your eyes and listen to my voice and slowly descend into your dreams. I'll be there waiting for you. Hawk smiled and, just to check, said, "Goodnight, Beej." There was no answer; all he heard was the rhythmic breathing of a sleeping man. So he knew it was safe to make a confession of his own, and he said softly, "I can't imagine being without you in the afterlife, either."
Then Hawkeye closed his eyes and drifted toward his own dreams.