um coughs hi! yeah. it's been a while... um.. I'M SORRY! yeah... more serious stuff will be appearing soon, i promise, but for now... its crack! And lots of it. yeah... teehee
disclaimer: i dont own avatar or anything else in this fic, excpet for a spoon, maybe...
DONT TAKE THIS TO SERIOUSLY IT IS INFACT CRACK!
That Time of the Month
enjoy the wonderful crack courtesy of Jas
Aang edged out from the room that was officially assigned to him in the fire nation palace. He knew how his wife could be at times like this... well, he mentally corrected himself, at this time of the month. It was worse than usually! (and usually she was pretty bad!) He carefully walked over the creaky floors using his airbending to soften his footfalls and make them quiet enough that no one could possibly have heard them...
" TWINKLE-TOES IF YOU DON'T QUIET DOWN YOU WONT HAVE ANY TOES LEFT TO TWINKLE. OR FINGERS FOR THAT MATTER!" Toph shouted out from a near-by door way. Aang dropped down to the floor from the airball he had made the second she had started speaking. He now ran, full speed, not caring how much noise he made down the hallways. He then promptly smacked into Haru who was also running in the opposite direction of his spouse's quarters.
"Toph is scary!" He panted. "She was all 'BE QUIET' this morning and then she encased me in rock. Without a mouth hole." Terror filled his eyes. Haru and Toph were generally a happy couple, but if you asked which one would win in a fight… there was no question.
"Don't complain. Your wife isn't Azula." Aang shuddered a little at the name of his wife. He did love her with all his heart, but sometimes it seemed like she really was devil spawn! Haru looked at Aang as if in pity.
"True..." Haru muttered. He was about to respond with an appropriate rebuttal but suddenly both guys were sent flying head over heels over something long and thin. Both men stood back up and examined what had tripped them. It was red and gold and looked familiar... oh. It was a leg. It was sticking out from a completely shadowed corner of the hall.
"Zuko?" Aang asked quietly.
"SHHHHHHHHH" A voice hissed from the shadows. A hand then flew to cover both guy's mouths and then they were yanked rather unceremoniously back into the corner. It was bigger than either of the new comers had thought, but Zuko had found this place a long time ago.
"If you say my name too loud she will come!" He looked really frightened. Worse than he had even before he was asked to face his father and sentence him to jail.
Haru pulled away from Zuko's hand freeing his mouth. "Who?" Haru asked innocently. Aang looked at him incredulously and Zuko started to rock back and forth in the fetal position.
"Katara!" They both whimpered at the same time. Zuko was married to her, but Aang had lived with her while they traveled and then dated her for a while after. He knew all too well
how she got. Suddenly Azula seemed like a tame sheep... Haru was contemplating all the ways a waterbender could hurt someone. He remembered razor sharp icicles that could cut through anything... he gulped. Zuko was only thinking one thing. 'Agni, save me, my mother was right, women are very very dangerous when they don't feel well... Agni...'
Everything was interrupted; all thoughts of sheep, sharp edges, and 'talks' with parents flew from their heads as something heavy and garbed in blue flew into them. Zuko let out a not to manly shriek at the blue, Aang looked confused, and Haru poked his head out to make sure no one had seen this rather suspicious nose-dive.
"SOKKA!" Zuko could have kissed him with relief but thank goodness (for everyone's sake)... he didn't.
"We need to get out of here! Now!!" Sokka looked panicked. Zuko noted the way he looked and guessed what he was thinking. oh... her too. That sucks. That was all the most dangerous of the women in the royal palace. Why, oh, why did women that live together have to cycle together!
"Come with me!" Zuko announced. He shifted his way through the now crowded space, and to the back. After a lot of awkward pauses and a few murmured apologies, due to man toughing man discomfort Zuko came to the back of the crawl space. He whispered a word and fire-bended a small ring of fire that he shoved into the wall. Small doors popped open and lead out into the turtle duck court yard.
After a lot of pushing and shoving all four of the men spilled into the court yard. They all inhaled deep breaths, tasting the air.
"Women are scary." Haru remarked as they plodded over to the conveniently spaced stones on the ground. They plopped onto them and glanced worriedly back at the door that still swung open and closed with the breeze.
"Don't worry about the door." Zuko said, and almost as soon as he had uttered the word the door re-fused itself into the wall. "And yes, Haru, they are terrifying!"
"How did you know about the passage Zuzu?" Sokka asked, leaning back into his forearms.
"Remember I had to live here when my sister and my other female relatives endured the curse, and Azula didn't like me nearly as much as she likes Aang." He raised his eyebrow at the thought. Who knew the air-head wimp would turn out to woo the craziest psycho-path of a princess (and close to the craziest of a fire-bender) the world had ever seen.
"What was she like?" Aang asked conversationally. Everyone looked at him as if he were insane.
Zuko answered anyway. "Let's just say I'm lucky Kat and I can still have kids and that all my other extremities are still intact." All the guys flinched at that...
"Oh! She burnt the love seat to a crisp this morning and then decided I was as good to try next. I had some fun talking her outta that one! She still went on to scare the crap out of some poor maid and then break every vase in the room proceeding to burn each flower individually to a crisp. She did the red ones first of course." Aang rubbed his bald head and sighed. "She had gone into the bathroom, and I crept out." It had been a long morning.
"Toph was being a little noise sensitive this morning." Haru explained his story next. "I was asleep when she started yelling at me to quiet down. She then encased me in rock, with no air hole. I eventually bended my way out, but by the time I managed to do that, she had destroyed all the door knobs drawer handles, and other medal pieces in our room." His eyes went wide at the memory of the decimated room at the end of the morning. "I got out and ran." He finished.
"Katara" the firelord shivered a little. "well, she was up early this morning, and I got up. I smiled and said good morning... Well she apparently didn't think so, so she started to shout and shout at me about ... stuff... and then all the vases in the room burst. The flowers were dried out and the faucet turned on. She started to get more angry and the water leapt into the air, and then settled onto the floor. I told her to calm down and she said 'I'M COMPLETELY CALM!' She then came after me with her water whip, only to break down into tears as soon as she got close to me and started to blubber about god-knows what." Zuko ran his fingers through his hair. "I calmed her down enough that she wasn't crying, but then she got mad again and chased me from the room with a waterwhip." He winced. They all looked expectantly at Sokka.
"Um, see, mine's a little different... Suki is... late... very very late..." He trailed off... wow she must be angry. And moody. Pregnant woman were always moody. They all looked sympathetically at Sokka, but before anyone could say anything, there were four distinct sets of footsteps on the concrete walkway behind them.
"Crapmuffins." Aang muttered.
"Hey air-head!" Azula called.
"Found you earth-worm." Toph mocked a coo.
"Morning, sunshine!" Katara sneered.
"SOKKA YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN WHIP YOUR SORRY LITTLE –" Suki was cut short by Toph encasing all the guys in a mound of earth.
"Now we can yell for as long as we like!" Toph announced and suddenly a deluge of insults, sensitive questions and snide comments descended upon the poor men. Looking panic-stricken they all glanced at one another. Suddenly Sokka's face lit up!
"That's it!" He muttered. He dug in his pockets for a good five minutes while the others writhed on the floor in pain. Then he pulled out four spoons. "Dig with these!" They all grabbed a spoon and started to cleave away at the soft earth. A few spear heads, china shards, a human skull, proof of aliens, the elixir of life and one very dirty guru later, they came to the outside world.
Dirty and tired they emerged from the hole out of the view of the ranting women.
"We did it! Sokka declared.
"Sure did!" Zuko agreed, then high fived Sokka.
"Why didn't Haru just earth-bend his way out?" Aang wondered aloud
(SUDDENLY ON A GAME SHOW)
Host: Well Aang here are your choices:
A. Toph's earth dome was infused with magical alien goop so he couldn't earth bend!
B. The author just forgot OR
C. Blame the Nazi's/gnomes/gremlins!
Host: So what'll it be??
Aang: produces big anime sweat drop B?
Host: Correct! But sadly you should have chosen either A or C so you FAIL!
a trap door opens and Aang falls back to the real (errr avatar real) world where everyone has been frozen in ballerina like positions
"Guys! Can't Toph feel us right now??" Aang asked. They all snapped back to life and looked at him. Slowly terror oozed over their faces.
"You bet I can TWINKIES! RUNNNNNNN BCHES RUNNNNNNNNN!" Toph screamed and then began to laugh manically. They ran.
For the rest of the day, no servant bothered to leave their quarters. They could hear perfectly well the mayhem that ensued in the halls, and no one would interfere for the next 4-7 days.
yup. um, review if u have something to say! dont let it go unsaid! but please, no: this is so lame it could never happen! this is crack. treat it as such. thanks!
- jas