Nobody Knows, a casualty fanfic

Nobody Knows
By Lucy Maria Elmer

A Diane Lloyd story

[Author's note: This is kind of a depressing angsty fic with hints of Riane in it. If you don't wanna read anything angsty and dark then please don't read this. (I don't own the rights to Amy Studts Nobody, I just thought it'd be a cool song to use in this fic. Please don't sue, I'm just a poor amateur writer). To my fellow Diane fan Luce and all of team Riane (hehe)]

No Copryright Infringement intended. I'm just a poor student who loves Holby and music!

Sometimes it seems that I have no place,
And I don't know what to do with myself,
Light up another I can taste the filth inside,
And I need to cleanse my soul

Diane Lloyd sat on the riverbank, rain falling heavily around her and soaking her though to the skin. She shivered violently but didn't move. She just sat there growing colder and colder, unable to tell where the droplets of rain ended and the hot tears that were falling so readily from her intense blue eyes began.

So many things had happened to her in her life. So many things she'd rather forget which had left her wounded to this day. These things had caused her to build up a wall around herself. A wall which would stop her from getting hurt again, although it didn't stop her from feeling the hurt she caused herself and others every day by pushing people away. By not even daring to reach out to anybody and ask for the comfort she so needed and letting her barriers down to allow herself to be loved.

She had built up this whole new person. One who was strong, confident and outspoken. A person who was known and loved by her colleagues at Holby, but none of them had ever really seen her. Not the real Diane Lloyd who'd been violated by a cruel man, who had run away scared from the only man she ever truly loved and who had terminated her unborn child. The Diane they saw seemed so uncomplicated and unfazed by life, up for a good time and with no desire to settle down. It was a Diane she wished would just come across so naturally that the hurt, fragile person that was left at the end of the day would just disappear.

Things didn't work that way though. No matter how hard she tried to push all the feelings of hurt, vulnerability and loneliness to the back of her mind and keep up the facade there were times when everything got to her. Emotion often overcame her and she found herself like this, crying like a baby as what felt like the weight of the world rested on her shoulders.

If she was looking at herself from the outside she guessed on the surface she would look to be like anyone else. Everyone at work always assumed she was happy with her life and with her career prospects because the act was so good that at times that even she started to believe it. She worked with great people, she had a good job and she was good at what she did, but sometimes she wished someone would just be able to see that it was a lie, and see that she wasn't as strong as she made out to be every day of her life. She wished somebody would be able to see that while she was grateful for all these things she had around her which meant so much, she wasn't truly happy, because she couldn't let herself be. She was too afraid to deal with the past to let herself do that.

She was crying out inside but nobody ever seemed to hear. She didn't let them. She was too ashamed to give them the chance.

Nobody knows and nobody cares,
That I die on the inside,
Nobody sees the lie that is me,
Cause I smile on the outside,
Still nobody knows and nobody cares,
When I walk on the wrong side,
Tell me who, nobody,
Tell me who, nobody,
Tell me who, nobody,
But you,

There was only one person in her life that had ever been constant. Who had been her rock and confidante. Who when things were bad she felt no shame clinging on to for dear life. He was the only person who she ever let her guard down with, who had some sense of the vulnerable human being she really was even though she still hid a lot of that part of her away from him for fear of scaring him away. She figured he knew though. He was so in tune with her and she with him that she didn't doubt that he knew that deep down that she was always putting on a brave front, although she was sure he didn't know all the reasons why. She knew he would always be there for her, ready to listen when she finally chose to really let him in, she just didn't know when that day would be. She hoped it was someday soon.

She had turned to him about her pregnancy. He was the only one who she felt truly comfortable with and the only one who she could open up to about it because she knew he wouldn't judge her and would stand by her whatever her choice because all he cared about was her happiness and well being. He was the one who would have sacrificed his first job at the Hadlington to be there with her during the procedure and for that she was so thankful though she couldn't let him sacrifice his first job for her.

When she had broken down after Steve died he was the one who had held her in the bar as she cried. After she had found out about baby Amanda being ill and had Declan apologising to her for upsetting her he was the one who she broke down in front of once again.

To him she had revealed her guilt over the termination and the immense sadness she felt and had finally broken down in tears, and he had held her in those strong protective arms and just let her do it, silently offering his support while asking no questions.

He was the only one she'd ever let see past the confidence and strength that shone as she worked at that hospital because he knew her too well. She couldn't hide herself from him, or her emotions, nor he from her and she would never hesitate to be there at his side like he always was for her but he was the kind of person who never asked for anything. Either was she really, he just happened to always be there just in case. He was her soul mate.

He was her calm in the storm which was her life and for that she was so grateful. It seemed at times as though he was the only one who could see her screaming inside just for someone to take notice. Like he was the only one who realised that while she was a strong person she wasn't at all as strong as she made herself out to be and that she needed someone to look out for her. Sometimes she wouldn't admit it, sometimes it made her angry that he was always there, but most of the time she was silently grateful. In front of him she could cry or shout and he'd still ultimately be there to comfort her no matter what, and she'd let him. He knew the Diane she really was and loved her, insecurities and all. He was her soul mate, but at that moment he seemed so far away.

All the friends that I've had
Where are they now?
Guess I'm far too intense to be loved
All the things that I hate
I hate about myself
And I need to cleanse my soul

All her adult life Diane had been running. Any situation where she found she wasn't in control anymore or where those walls she had taken so long to build up around herself threatened to be broken down she found herself running away. If she ever started to feel something for someone and her feelings and emotions became dependant on another person and it came to a point that she couldn't keep a close check on them anymore, she couldn't deal with it. She was so scared she would be allowing herself to be hurt again like she had in the past and so she ran.

She'd lost so many friends that way and so many chances of happiness. The biggest loss she had suffered in her life due to her own insecurities was that of the relationship she had with Ric before they worked at Holby together. She didn't doubt at the time that leaving him was the right choice. She was young and he wanted her to marry him and she wasn't ready for that. He had already been married so many times before that she couldn't bear the thought of just ending up the same as his other wives. If she had stayed and it hadn't of worked out she wouldn't have been able to deal with it, she was sure of that.

She truly had loved Ric with all her heart. To this very day she still did love him although she chose to hide it rather than admit to it. Yet while she knew that leaving was the only option at that time, she couldn't help feeling ashamed of running the way she did.

For her it was a defence mechanism. If she didn't allow herself to ever get really close to people then they couldn't hurt her like she had been hurt before. She had done it with Danny, and then Steve. With them she had run away as soon as they started getting close. And then when she had found out about hers and Steve's unborn child once again she had gotten so scared that she had seen termination as the only option without ever really thinking of the intense hurt she would feel afterwards. She regretted running so much, from Danny from Steve, but mostly from Ric and her baby.

It was as if she was determined to make herself self-destruct by avoiding any chance to be happy and content. Instead it was meaningless fling after fling or running away from anybody or anything she could love and it was tearing her apart inside, her heart breaking more day after day. She knew she was capable of falling head over heels for someone, she had done it before with Ric but now after past events she was too scared to take that chance anymore. She was too afraid of putting her emotions first because she was so immensely scared of getting hurt.

Ric would never hurt her; she knew that and yet still she couldn't bring herself to really reach out to him even though she wanted to with all her heart. If he had any idea how much hurt consumed her days she knew he'd do everything in his power to help her, he'd be frightened for her but he would help no matter what, but she couldn't let him see that part of her. She couldn't let anyone.

Sometimes she wondered how she had managed to get someone like Ric in her life. In the past whenever she had allowed herself to love someone they had left her, everyone except Ric who was still at her side even now.

She figured that it was because she was such a hard person to love. It was such a hard thing for someone to break down the barriers she had erected so carefully around herself, and for her to allow someone else to be with her that she thought it was probably too much of a task for them to stick around. She was too hard a person to love, with her insecurities and fear, and because of that she just kept finding herself alone. Now though that was through her own making. Through her avoiding commitment and anyone who she could possibly let her guard down with, she was making sure she wasn't vulnerable. That didn't stop the pain that came with knowing that everything other people saw her as was a lie and that her own fears were stopping her from truly living her life.

No-one around her, not even Ric knew she hated herself so much for being so afraid. For letting things get to her as much as she did and for pushing people away. She hated the fact that the Diane that people liked and cared about was just a facade that she created to stop people seeing she was just as vulnerable and fragile as they were...maybe a little more so because of the blows that life had dealt her. She wished that she could make peace with her demons. That she could finally lay them to rest and let people see the real her. She wished she could let them know when she was afraid or scared or upset without feeling the need to conceal it inside until she was away from them. She hated how she felt so ashamed of herself that she couldn't let anyone, apart from maybe Ric see the real her. All she wanted was so accept herself and to be accepted insecurities and all. She wanted a happiness that seemed to far away.

Diane pushed the stray stands of her hair away from her eyes and back behind her ears. She was shivering so violently now that her whole body was shaking but she couldn't move. She just wanted to feel numb. Lately so much had happened to her, what with Steve dying, her pregnancy and termination, her dalliance with Tom, the death of a patient under her care, her worry about Ric and his gambling... All of these things coupled with everything else that had ever happened and hurt her made her feel as though she was hanging on by a thread which at any point could break. She felt lost and lonely and she knew it was only a matter of time before she finally cracked and she didn't know which way to turn.

She kept on smiling every day. She did her job well and acted as if she had no cares in the world, but it was, and had been for a long time a lie and a lie nobody knew about. Nobody even realised as she held things together so well. While she appeared calm and collected on the outside nobody could even begin to understand what was going on inside.

She wanted to feel safe and secure but that would mean finally dealing with everything and learning to love and trust again. It would mean truly allowing herself to be seen, every part of her, vulnerable and not and she didn't know if she could do that.

It was so hard. She was so tired now. So tired of being someone she wasn't. So tired of pretending she was this strong independent woman when she just wanted to be loved and to be able to really, finally, love and trust someone with her feelings in return. For her that would be the biggest step, taking the risk that she may be hurt in order to finally let herself be happy. If she had done that in the past she may have been with Ric now or be pregnant with her baby. The one who she would never hold or nurse because she had been too afraid to face the unknown and give herself a chance to be a mother to the baby she so someday wanted. She wanted the simple things, a nice man, a family, but most of all she wanted to be happy and to feel comfortable in her own skin. She didn't want to be afraid anymore.

But you I have nobody
But you nobody
Nobody but you

Diane sighed. She couldn't even feel the rain anymore. She was soaked through to the skin and could feel the cold chilling her to the bone but she still felt no urge to move. It was as if she was punishing herself in some way and she couldn't help thinking she maybe deserved it.

She had hurt people because of the fears that so consumed her and because of the demons in her past she had been unable to let go of, and she was finding it hard to forgive herself for that. She didn't mean to do it, but it was as if running away from her feelings and from the people that cared about her was something programmed into her so deeply that there was nothing she could do to change it.

She hoped with all her heart that wasn't the case because the guilt that she had felt ever since Steve died was all consuming as was the guilt about her baby and Ric.... Even though she had run from him he was still there for her since her arrival at Holby and that she didn't understand. She had probably hurt him a lot more than anyone. She had left without a word even though their relationship was fine. Even though it was beautiful. He loved her. He had got through the barriers and was well and truly in her heart where he belonged, but any mention of the future scared her and she had left that wonderful caring, passionate and loving man behind.

Seeing him again back at Holby was amazing. They were still so close and a lot of people at work commented on it. If one was going through something the other was there looking out for them, ready to offer their support at any moment. The banter between them was so easy and they could talk about anything without feeling pressured because the bond between them was so strong.

Ric was the one person who really knew her, and because of their history the one person who she really let in because he knew her so well. He meant the world to her and she to him, but she was unable to do anything about it for fear of being hurt though she knew he would never ever intentionally hurt her. He was too much of a gentle man for that especially where she and Jess were concerned.

She wanted so much now to be with him. She wanted to be in his strong arms and have him hold her as she poured her heart out to him, so she could make him understand why she was the way she was and why she was so afraid to share her emotions and fears with other people. She wanted so much to be with the man she loved and to know that he loved her too, no matter what.

As the rain began to fall less heavily Diane ran her hands over her face. She didn't know how long she had been sitting there on the riverbank, all she knew was that when she had arrived it was light and now it was dark.

She couldn't feel her body anymore. Everything was numb and she was soaked to her skin. She hated letting herself get into this kind of state, but as she was the kind of person who bottled everything up until she was on her own and she couldn't push it to the back of her mind anymore, everything was bound to build up until it had to come out.

So many times she had found herself like this, crying like a baby until she felt as if there were no more tears left to shed. In a way it felt freeing to let all off the emotion go, even if it was only a temporary release. In another way though she was ashamed of herself and of the fact that she was too proud to let anyone see that she was hurting so much that sometimes she really felt as if she couldn't carry on anymore. She was drowning and people couldn't see it because she wouldn't let them. She couldn't let them, as she was too ashamed. They all thought she was so strong and independent, how could she let them down by letting them see she wasn't?

The tears started again and Diane shivered. She knew she shouldn't do this to herself. She always blamed herself for things, but there were things that had happened to her for which she deserved no blame. It was too easy for her to blame herself though. It was a habit, and one which made her feel a million times worse when she was on a low like she was at that moment and those lows seemed to be coming more and more often.

Diane knew she couldn't carry on like this. She needed to do something now because if she didn't she really would break down. Lately she had really been at rock bottom but she knew she was stronger than this.

All of her life she'd been fighting. She'd been fighting against the hurt, and the pain, and the fear, and now she was so tired. Hiding it wasn't the best thing to do, she could see that now, but she had still been strong willed enough to keep going no matter how much pain that she was in and that gave her some hope.

Where she was now she could choose life or she could choose to give up on life. Giving up seemed so easy sometimes but Diane knew she had gotten this far fighting and that she could keep going. She could choose to let someone help her and to let someone else in whom would help her by going through it with her. That for her was a big step and it frightened her even more than the thoughts of giving up and leaving all this behind, but she was a fighter, she always had been and she resolved to keep fighting. She couldn't bear the thought of choosing to be away from Ric anymore. If she chose to give up on life she'd be with her baby again but she'd be hurting Ric and the people who cared about her a lot more than she would if she just opened up. She couldn't bear the thought of inducing more hurt for the man who would no doubt give his life to make sure she was happy.

She was strong enough to keep breathing every day. She was strong enough to fight the fears and insecurities that plagued her, so she thought she must be strong enough to finally take hold of the hand that Ric had held out to her for so long and ask for his help. She knew that her only chance was taking down the walls it had taken her years to build and let people help her when she was upset or hurting without the fear that they would think of her as weak and vulnerable. She was only human after all, the same as everyone else around her and deep down she knew no-one would think any less of her.

She needed to learn to take risks and to love and be loved in return. She needed to stop being so frightened of getting hurt that she was unable to live her life and was considering giving up all together because she knew she was stronger than that. Most of all she needed to really, truly let somebody in and to let herself be comforted and talk about things when she couldn't deal with them, and the things in her past, which had hurt her for this long. There was only one person that could help her do this and she knew that with him at her side and with his understanding came hope. Hope that one-day she would finally be able to really cry in the arms of someone with whom she knew that it really would all be okay.

If she opened up properly for the first time in her life and let him see the Diane that was hurting so much she knew she'd be all right because while it would be hard for both of them he was her soul mate. He was the only one, who could help her, because he was the only one she had ever really trusted. He had won her heart all those years ago and it had belonged to him ever since.

Nobody knows and nobody cares, but you,
Nobody knows and nobody cares but you.

Taking a deep breath Diane slowly stood up. Her legs wobbled underneath her and she shivered violently with cold but she knew now what she had to do. She wasn't going to be afraid any more. She was going to fight as she always had done, and fight to live her life in a way that she could finally be happy. This would be the first day of the rest of her life, and while she knew it would take a long while for things to finally be okay she knew what she was about to do was the first step.

Diane walked over to her car and opened the door, then opened the glove compartment with shaking hands. Grabbing her mobile phone she dialled the number with trembling fingers, then when she heard his voice at the other end tears of relief started falling from her eyes.

He began to worriedly question her, unable to understand the sobbing he heard and unable to bear the sound of her being upset.

"Ric..." She whispered tearfully. "Oh Ric..." She called again through chattering teeth as a sense of hope and happiness filled her when she realised that she was finally going to let go of the past and get ready to face the future and the happiness that would fill it.

The End.