It all started one afternoon in the fall of Rachel's senior year. She was hell bent on making sure New Directions took home the National Championship and was going to do everything in her power to make sure it happened. Finn had come over for the night and insisted that she let him watch the game, so she figured she'd spend her time researching ideas on the great world wide web.
"Oh!" she squeaked in excitement when she stumbled upon the newly updated Show Choir Message Boards. Figuring she'd get a few ideas from the competition, she eagerly grabbed her mouse and clicked through the different sub topics being discussed by other contenders.
"Finn, you need to see the new and improved Show Choir Boards. Everyone who's anyone in Show Choir is on there and-"
"Yeah, I'll look at it on commercial," he replied without turning back to look at her.
She huffed and rolled her eyes as she turned her attention back to the screen. Chewing her lip softly, she wandered into an open debate going on.
Should Show Choir competitions feature less single soloists?
Below it was an entire ten page debate between different members discussing whether it should be more of a collective group performing over the proven method of showcasing the biggest talent. After seeing so many members agreeing that there should be no individual stars in show choir, she straightened up in her chair and prepared herself for a lengthy reply sticking all the reasons why having the most talented carry the group was indeed a good method. But before she could, she scrolled and saw that someone else had already done just that. Someone with the username "BadassInBlack".
"Your jealousy is utterly obvious. Just because you aren't the featured soloist doesn't mean you should bring down your whole team by denying them the chance to get a solo. Chances are they want the win more than you do and work twice as hard as you all do and are probably rehearsing at this very moment while you sit there whining."
Nodding in approval, Rachel began typing up a quick reply under her username "ShiningStar".
"I happen to agree with you wholeheartedly. Soloists are chosen for a reason. It's not their fault that they have the most talent of the entire group. It is both a blessing and a curse you know. Besides, showcasing a star is a proven winning method. Look at Vocal Adrenaline's past winning streak for instance..."
She bit her lip again at the mention of the rival team, not over the fact that she was bringing up the competition to prove her point, because it brought back memories of the particular vocalist who carried the team through so many wins. While she was sometimes still bitter about the fact that he (in her opinion) stole the Regionals trophy from her, she couldn't deny the power that his Bohemian Rhapsody performance had. He stole the hearts of everyone in the audience (with an exception of her own because her heart was too shattered to even exist after what he had done to her then).
Remembering the message she was typing, she forced Jesse away from her mind and posted it.
And so it began.
For the next two hours she found herself getting deeper and deeper in the message board discussions. She and BadassInBlack seemed to constantly have similar thoughts, proven when they stuck up for each other against everyone else. All the of the conversations had her wondering who he was and where he was from. What school did he go to? Was he actually any good or was he all talk? There was something about the way he spoke that piqued her interest and made her wonder.
"Hey, Rach? The game is almost over. Do you mind if I watch ESPN or did you want to watch one of those chick flicks?" Finn asked from across the room.
"Hmm…what?" she asked, her eyes glazed over as she read BadassInBlack's latest comment about how sure he was his team was going to take the Nationals trophy this year. "Oh…okay. Give me a moment."
She typed out a quick reply with a look of determination etched on her face.
"It's cute that you think you'll win this year but I'm quite certain that my team will be the ones to walk home with the trophy. But second place is alright, too! You should be just as proud when you win that trophy."
It was a little bold, but she was feeling confident.
She was about to shut her laptop and join Finn when a window popped up on her screen.
Private Message from BadassInBlack!
"Uh… Rach?" Finn called again, this time trying to peer over from where he was to see what she was doing.
"One moment…" she said quickly, waving her hand away so he didn't look.
Unable to resist, she clicked the message open and read the contents of the message as fast as lightning.
"I have to say that you have fantastic taste. I truly commend you. Anyway, I'd love to be able to pick your brain on all things Show Choir if you're willing?
PS: You're still gonna lose. "
"On…On second thought, Finn, I just remembered I have a homework assignment I didn't finish up that I need to tend to. Go ahead and watch your sports show," she said quickly, bringing a fingernail to her lips as she realized she was lying.
Choosing to not think anything of it, she stretched out her fingers and typed up a quick reply.
"Why thank you, Badass—"
She paused briefly and shook her head before hitting backspace repeatedly.
"Why thank you. I must say that your taste is quite impeccable as well. I found myself nodding and agreeing with everything you said. You really do seem to get it! I'd love to talk more if you like.
Anyway, what show choir are you a part of?
PS: Keep thinking that."
Smiling softly, she hit send and waited patiently for a reply that thankfully came in less than two minutes.
"I really do and from the looks of it, you get it too.
And what's the fun in revealing where we're from? If we're really as good as we say, we're bound to run into each other at Nationals, aren't we? Anyway, what should I call you?"
She huffed a little at how mysterious he was being.
"Well two can play at that game," she muttered under her breath as she typed her reply.
"Well what's the fun in revealing names, then?" she typed out, nodding at herself in approval. It was then that she was struck with a brilliant idea. "How about we continue talking anonymously and not go into any major personal details. It'll be a special kind of friendship of sorts."
She hit send and glanced back at Finn who was currently snoring on her bed. Sighing softly, she turned back and saw that she already had a reply.
"Sounds very You've Got Mail… or if you want to be technical, the old musical that inspired it called In The Good Old Summertime starring Judy Garland… or if you want to be even more technical, the even older movie called The Little Shop Around The Corner which also inspired it. Either way, I'm in."
Rachel's face lit up, not only at the reference of a movie she loved, but at his knowledge of old musicals and movies in general. He definitely seemed like the kind of guy she'd be friends with and with her lack of popularity at school, she could always use another friend.
"Sounds lovely. Anyway, I need to log off for the night. Let's chat again around this time tomorrow night? Goodnight, friend!"
Pleased by the arrangement, Rachel shut her laptop and pushed herself up from her chair to go wake her boyfriend.
"Finn…Finn!" she whispered loudly as she shook his arm. "Finn, it's getting late and it's a school night. You should get going before my dads come upstairs."
Finn jolted awake and rubbed his eyes with a slow nod and a yawn.
"Yeah… late. Should go…" he mumbled as he pushed himself up from her bed. He made it halfway to the door before turning back around to kiss her on her cheek. "See you at school."
"Yeah… see you."
After waving him goodbye, she threw herself back onto her bed and pulled her nearest teddy bear to her chest, still unsure about how she felt about her online encounter that night.
Over in an apartment in Akron, Ohio, Jesse St. James sat in bed in front of his own laptop re-reading a few messages from his inbox. As his cat crossed over his lap, he smiled down at her and gently scratched the back of her neck.
"Goodnight, friend," he sighed, laying back and crashing down on his bed.
Dear Friend,
Your new haircut sounds lovely. I'd ask to see it, but that would break the rules of our agreement, wouldn't' it? And no, I don't think it'll have any effect on your talent. I used to date someone who was really obsessed with his own hair and he sometimes worried his talent would be affected if he cut it. It was just so silly because he was so incredibly talented and that had nothing to do with his hair. It was deep inside of him and I'm sure it's the same for you. But anyway, don't you worry about it. In response to your last message: My best friend and I have chosen to forego our plans to attend Julliard (because it turns out they don't have a Musical Theatre program) and instead pursue a spot at NYADA. It's incredibly difficult to get in, but I know I have what it takes. I also come with other exciting news! My school is putting on a musical and I am of course going for the lead. It's necessary that I get it so I can impress NYADA with some sort of notable credits, but I know I will.
Did I mention how much I love this little arrangement? It feels like we're new age pen pals. There's a lovely sense of mystery that I can truly appreciate. I always come home from rehearsal and head straight for my computer, feeling a rush of excitement at the prospect of receiving your next letter because you're always so on point with everything you say. Anyway, I hope your rehearsals are going well. Your team better end up at Nationals so I can properly kick your butt there.
Until next time,
The Shining Star
Jesse sat at his desk in the Carmel Auditorium re-reading the message he just received a few times over. He should probably be watching over his team's rehearsal right now, but that was thrown out the window when he saw the little pop up notifying him that he had a message waiting.
"Mr. St. James?" called one of the students from the stage.
His head snapped up and he was brought back to reality. So maybe he was not a student actually competing in a show choir like ShiningStar actually believed. However, in all fairness, he never really claimed to be one. It wasn't like it was so creepy. She was a senior in high school and their age difference wasn't that far apart. Not to mention, there was also the fact that it wasn't like he was trying to pursue her romantically or anything. It was simply a friendly online discussion. It was harmless.
"The music ended a minute ago and you haven't said anything. Is this a new way of telling us that we suck?" asked his student, Wade.
His eyes darted from his team to the screen as he fought over whether or not he should reply. Sighing softly, he pushed himself up and charged towards the stage.
"Terrible. Again!" he shouted with a snap of his fingers.
Back in Lima, Rachel sat behind her laptop drumming her fingernails against her computer desk.
"What exactly are you waiting for?" asked Kurt who was rifling through Rachel's collection of songbooks on her bed.
"N-nothing," Rachel muttered quickly as she reluctantly peeled her eyes away from her computer.
"We need to work on our auditions so get over here!"
Over the next few hours, Rachel may have been physically there rehearsing with Kurt, but her mind was somewhere else. She couldn't help but wonder why she was getting so attached to these silly letters from an anonymous competitor. Maybe something inside of her would always see the forbidden fun in becoming friendly with the competition. But it was different this time. She didn't really know who he was or where he was even from. He could be anywhere, from some place off in California straight to Ohio itself.
Perhaps the thing that had her really wondering was why she felt the need to lie when it came to him. It wasn't like she was doing anything wrong by making an online friend. So why was she dodging and lying whenever someone asked what she was doing?
'Well that's simple. People would heavily judge me if they knew I was having internet friends,' she thought to herself.
She could hear Santana in the back of her mind already teasing her for achieving a new all time low for resorting to the internet to make friends. That was just definitely not something she wanted to deal with right now.
"Earth to Rachel," Kurt called, snapping his finger. "Where are you?"
"Sorry… was just going over my audition in my head," she lied, once again feeling bad. "Anyway, let's rehearse."
They spent the next few hours going over audition songs and choreography ideas. By the time they were done for the night, she was glad that Kurt came over because she had needed him to push her a little bit. This audition was important to her and she absolutely needed to get the part. So she couldn't very well waste her time constantly checking her messages for letters from her secret mystery friend. She had priorities. Priorities that would come before—
There was a ping sound coming from her computer, notifying her that she had email.
Forgetting everything she had just been thinking, Rachel jumped to her computer desk and opened the message as quickly as possible.
Dear Friend,
Sorry for taking so long to reply. Rehearsals run pretty late at my school, so you'll understand why I was caught up. Your words were sweet. I look forward to receiving your messages just as much as you do and I'm very glad I messaged you in the first place.
Anyway, it's pretty ambitious of you to go for NYADA. Sometimes even the best of the best get rejected for reasons like… oh I don't know, your performance of Giants In The Sky not having crisp enough diction and having problems with breath work even though they say you show promise. But I digress… Good luck to you with NYADA and your musical audition. You seem to be very passionate about performing and I really admire that. It's a quality I have seen in so few people and I must ask that you never let anything get in the way of it if you really want to become a true shining star. I used to date a girl who got a little sidetracked and started to find some other guy much more important than her dreams. And do you know what happened to her? She never won Nationals, I can tell you that much. So keep your eye on the prize… just not that Nationals trophy because that'll be mine.
Looking forward to your next reply,
The Badass in Black.
Jesse had really been getting down to business with his team. He knew he had to truly crack the whip so they took home that coveted trophy once again. All of the pressure was on him now that the winning streak was broken. He was their only hope and he couldn't let them down now, not when they all wanted it. Not only did he have to do this for the team, but he needed this himself. Like Vocal Adrenaline, Jesse was in a slump going through his own broken winning streak. Long ago were the days where he was the star who could get away with anything because of his talent. He had been in for a true awakening when he went to UCLA and ended up falling on his ass. To make matters worse, he had failed in his efforts to be a Show Choir Consultant with New Directions. He didn't even want to think about his epic failure at trying to win Rachel Berry's heart back. Right now, he was in need of a win to simply know that he still could.
All of his messages with his mystery friend had given him a new hope. Her ambition and drive motivated him in a way that someone similar used to. Perhaps the similarities were what drew him to her so much. But he couldn't think about that. He wasn't in this for romance. In fact, he was done with romance right now. His eye was back on the prize and no one was going to get in his way.
He was in the midst of typing out critical notes for Vocal Adrenaline to photo copy and hand out the next day when he was interrupted by a pop up notifying him he had a message.
Dear Friend,
I'm writing to you today with a heavy heart. Right about now I don't know where else to turn. You see, I did what you said and kept my eye on the prize. I figured that I had to do as much as I could to and decided to run for Senior Class President in addition to auditioning for the lead in the school musical. Well, my best friend was also running and he took it as a serious betrayal. To make matters worse, my other good friend chose to also audition for the lead in the musical and she's really good. But she's upset about me always getting the spotlight and seems to be upset with me as well. Now we're no longer on speaking turns and I've never felt more alone. If I didn't have you (… and my boyfriend, of course) to talk to, I don't know what I'd do.
Send me some strength, because I need it right now. Terribly so.
Xx
Frowning softly, he typed out a quick reply.
You know, I don't think you were in the wrong at all. You're doing what you have to do to get to New York and sometimes it means stepping over those you care for to-
He paused and felt his heart clench as he realized what he was saying. Shaking his head, he deleted it and started over.
Look, I get what you're doing. You want to make sure you get to New York and you want to do everything you need to do to make it happen. You should know that your status at school isn't going to play that big a part in the admission decision. Your work on the musical and in show choir will. So try to focus on that. And you're doing nothing wrong by going for the lead. Your friend sounds like she seriously needs to grow up. As for saving your friendships, just talk to them and see if you can work things out. As people with similar ambitions, they should understand. And if they still don't want to be your friends anymore, then forget them. When you do get to New York, you'll find so many more people with similar dreams and goals and you won't feel so alone. I promise.
Be strong.
Back in Lima, Rachel sat there nodding as she read the reply. Maybe he was a little right.
Her eyes cast down to the poster ideas she had scribbled down on her notebook right next to her. Despite what he said, she couldn't shake the yearning to win that election. Was wanting to be the chosen one really so wrong? Besides, who knew? It might actually help her chances at NYADA. It wasn't like this guy was the NYADA expert anyway.
So maybe she was a little stubborn. But she was going to go for it.
"I got it!" Rachel squealed as she charged through the front door of her home.
Her fathers had been standing there already with their hands behind their back. The second they heard the news, they both sighed in relief. LeRoy threw some confetti had already been holding over at Rachel while Hiram pulled out a bottle of sparkling cider from behind his back.
"I think this calls for a toast, don't you think?" he asked.
"Dads, really. It's not that big a deal," Rachel insisted with a laugh as she tried pulling a piece of confetti out of her hair, but there was simply too much.
"Stop trying to be modest. You got the lead in West Side Story and you're entitled to be a little smug about it. Anyway, we're celebrating. Why don't we go out for dinner tonight?" asked LeRoy as he grabbed the champagne glasses and lined them up for Hiram to fill them.
"Excellent idea. Go change and we'll get going," said Hiram as he handed her a glass.
Just as she was about to pass by them to get to the stairs, they caught her in a group hug and each gave her a kiss on the cheek.
"We're so proud of you, Rachel," whispered LeRoy before letting her go.
"Thank you. Really. I'm going to go get ready now."
As she ran up the stairs, he phone pinged her with an email notification. She didn't even wait to get to her room before opening it up and reading it. Not wanting to waste any time, she typed out a quick reply and hit send.
"My dearest friend,
I GOT THE PART! Can you believe it? Anyway, I'm going out for dinner with my parents to celebrate so I'll be in touch with you tomorrow. Also, I'm terribly sorry you're feeling sick. I hope you make a speedy recovery. Just watch some old musicals and stay in bed. That always helps me feel better.
Xx
Jesse sat behind his computer browsing his Facebook page. He had been going through some of his old friends from his high school days and deleting those he didn't talk to anymore. When he reached Rachel Berry, he hesitated. He had actually forgotten that they were still friends on this site, but he very rarely checked it anymore anyway.
"What are you up to these days, Rachel?" he muttered under his breath as he scrolled through her page.
Her latest status said she was at West Side Story rehearsal and missing her "Finny".
Reading it nearly made him gag. Unable to take any more of it, he rolled his eyes and closed the page.
NEW MESSAGE FROM SHININGSTAR!
Unable to ignore the pop up, he clicked through and pulled it open, hoping it would rid him of the depression that was rapidly spreading through him now.
I know we have a rule of not going into anything personal but I have a problem. See, the director of my show thinks that I won't be able to properly harness the emotions for a love song if I haven't actually… been physically intimate. That's really gotten me thinking about it all and I don't want to come off as this naive baby who doesn't know what she's doing. Then there's my boyfriend who I love and while I have often expressed that I want to wait until I've reached my dreams before making love, I'm thinking now is the time. I have to keep my eye on the prize, right?
-The Confused Star
Jesse sat there staring at the screen unsure of what he was feeling. His eyebrows were furrowed and his mind was a little mixed up. But as far as he could tell, the main emotion that was hitting him was something very similar to jealousy. It couldn't be actual jealousy because he didn't know the girl. He didn't know what she looked like or what her name was. There was no way he could really be feeling anything for her, could he? Still, he couldn't deny that nagging feeling in the back of his head that was screaming at him to tell her not to do it.
This was bad. He was actually starting to feel for a person again, and it was even worse this time because it was online.
Sighing softly, he ran his hand through his hair and typed his reply.
You're in a rather difficult situation, I know. But I think you should really think this through. Being a good actress has nothing to do with your personal experiences. Yes, sometimes it does help grasp certain emotions, but it isn't necessary to have sex to properly play a character in love. Tell me, does one playing a murderer need to kill to get it right? I didn't think so. Sex is a truly amazing thing… when you're really ready for it. Just be sure… because I don't want you to get hurt.
Break a leg in the musical.
-The Concerned Badass
After sending the message, he shut his laptop and crashed back on his bed. All of his emotions were confusing him and he needed to focus. He couldn't afford to feel again. Perhaps a little space from his mystery friend was what he needed.
Back in Lima, Rachel had been so caught up with everything with the musical and her issues with Finn that she hadn't read his reply until well after the deed was done. Yes, she didn't end up doing it for the musical, but even after everything was said and done, she still wondered if she was truly ready to do it when she did.
But it was too late to go back now…
Over the next few weeks, Rachel and Jesse continued sending each other occasional messages, but not as many as they used to. Both of their lives were getting busier with rehearsals of the upcoming Sectional competition. But they still made sure to write to each other when they got the chance. Jesse was overjoyed when he got an incredibly happy message from her about fixing her friendships and Rachel was excited to hear about Jesse's team winning their Sectional. But the happy messages were interrupted with one particularly sad one on one fateful afternoon when Rachel came home from school.
Dear friend,
I'm keeping this one short and I hope you understand why. I just don't have it in me to really talk tonight. I've done something that has probably ruined my chances of ever being a star and there's nothing I can do to fix it. Remember how I told you I was dropping out of the elections? Well, in an effort to ensure that my best friend won, I kind of stuffed the ballot box. Long story short, they found out and I was suspended. Not only does it mean that I won't be allowed to compete at Sectionals… but that a mark will be on my permanent record and there's just no way that NYADA will take me now. It's over. I'll be stuck in Ohio for as long as I live.
Xx
Jesse stood there staring at his screen with wide eyes.
He should probably have been more concerned with her troubles right now, but there was one other thing on his mind that he couldn't stop thinking of.
She was from Ohio.
What were the chances that perhaps she could be…
He shook his head immediately. No. No way. It wasn't her. Rachel was probably back at McKinley rehearsing for her Sectional at this very moment feeling happy as can be with Finn. There were plenty of other schools in the state that competed in competitions and ShiningStar could go to any of them. He nodded to himself at the thought. It wasn't her. Now to just reply and forget he ever thought about the possibility.
As he typed it out, though, he couldn't help but put Rachel's face to her. The thought made something flutter inside of him that he knew he had to quickly crush before he started getting those feelings again. As he neared the end of his message, he bit his lip and considered what he was about to say.
"…Did I ever mention that I'm from Ohio, too? Small world, right? Anyway… I know we have this whole mystery thing going on… but if you ever needed a friend to really talk to, we could always meet up. Feel free to say no, but the offer will be on the table. Just know that all hope is not lost. I believe in you."
Over in Lima, Rachel sat there on her bed with her eyes wide and her hands covering her mouth.
"What's wrong?" Kurt asked from right next to her as he leaned in to see what was on her screen.
Realizing what was going on, she tried to quickly shut the window, but it was too late. Kurt had grabbed her laptop and began reading the message.
"Rude!" she shouted.
"What on earth… Rachel, who is this?" he asked with furrowed eyebrows. "Who is this… 'BadassInBlack'. Oh my god. Really?"
Having had enough, Rachel grabbed her laptop back and shut it quickly.
"It's just his username."
"His username, I see."
"He happens to be a nice guy!"
"Who happens to be a badass," Kurt said quickly, pursing his lips to hold back a laugh. "In black."
"Yes, so what? We met on the Show Choir Message Boards and we email each other now and then."
"Do you even know what he looks like?" he asked, his voice getting louder.
"N-No, but—"
"He could be a psychopathic murderer for all you know!"
"He is not! And really, it's no big deal."
"Yes, no big deal at all. Tell me, does Finn know that you're talking to a mysterious quote/unquote 'Badass in Black'?" he asked, using finger quotations.
She opened her mouth quickly, but shut it.
"I-I don't see why Finn needs to know. It's not like I'm doing anything wrong—"
"Except keeping a secret friendship with a guy from your boyfriend!"
"A friendship with a guy I've never even met!"
"Yeah, well he wants to meet you!"
"I never said I would! And don't look at me like that," she snapped, pointing her finger at him. "I'm not cheating on him!"
Kurt paused for a moment and got up from the bed to face her on his feet.
"Look, Rachel. I never said anything about cheating. You just did. So it seems to me as though you have a little guilty conscience going on right now and I think you should really think long and hard about what you're going to do about this guy. You're my best friend and I love you, but I don't want to see my brother get cheated on again."
Rachel rolled her eyes and looked away.
"I'm not going to cheat on him. Have a little faith in me, okay?"
Kurt took a step back towards the door and grabbed the handle.
"It's on your conscience," he said seriously before turning to leave.
"Kurt, wait!" she called out anxiously.
He sighed and turned around without a word.
"Are you going to tell him?" she asked in a hushed voice.
Kurt's eyes narrowed.
"No. It's not my business to tell. But just think about that. Think about the fact that you somehow feel the need to keep this from him. It's not right, Rachel, and you know it."
That said, he turned and left without another word.
She sat there in silence for a moment thinking it all over. Part of her wanted to continue to be stubborn and insist that she wasn't doing anything wrong. The other part of her was busy writhing in guilt to be able to properly function. Her eyes cast over to the picture of Finn next to her bed and her heart clenched.
She heaved a small sigh and pulled her laptop open to finally get to her reply.
Over in Akron, Jesse read it with disappointment all over his face.
Look, I don't think I'm ready to take this friendship to that level yet. I don't even know what you look like (and that's not me asking you to send me a picture, because I like the mystery aspect of our friendship) and it would be unwise of me to meet up with someone when we hardly know each other. You understand, right?
He gritted his teeth and shut his laptop.
So they hardly knew each other? Aside from the few personal details, he could have sworn that she already knew him more than most people ever did. He liked to think that he knew quite a lot about her as well. They'd been there for each other through good and bad and have grown close as friends. And she still thought they hardly knew each other?
"Fine," he muttered under his breath. "As you wish."
The holidays had come and gone, and Rachel and Jesse's contact was growing less and less. Over those few weeks, all he received was a cute E-Card with pink teddy bears on it wishing him a Happy Holiday. The actual emails were getting shorter and shorter. By this point, Jesse was starting to wonder if the friendship had just run its course. Maybe it was time to just give it up and focus more on Regionals.
After a week of nothing, he had accepted it was done.
That's when he got the message.
Greetings friend!
I have such great news and I've been dying to get the chance to tell someone about it! Are you ready for it? I'm engaged! I know what you're thinking. I'm young and still in high school, but I couldn't be happier right now. It feels so good to know that I'll be able to go to New York with my husband by my side. Anyway, I'm writing this real quickly before heading off to school. I hope you're doing well!
Happy Valentine's Day!
His mouth went dry at the very sight of the email.
Well there went that feeling again and this time there was no way he couldn't deny it.
Jealousy.
Now the tables had turned and Jesse was the one distancing himself from Rachel. He didn't want to feel anymore of this jealousy for someone he didn't know, especially a someone who was engaged to be married. He had gone in too deep with this mystery girl and it had to stop. Besides, she just wasn't the girl he thought she was if she was going to easily get engaged so young before achieving her dreams. He really needed to stop associating himself with girls like this or he'd end up heartbroken all over again like he did with Rachel.
"No more," he whispered to himself.
That was until the next email notification popped up another fateful day.
"Okay, one more."
He clicked it open and his eyes widened as he read the words.
So much is happening. An old student from my school nearly killed himself the other day. He didn't succeed, but he tried. It really had me thinking about life and how it's so short. I don't want to waste any more time when who knows how much time I have? Anyway, I told my fiancée that we should push up the wedding and get married after Regionals. At the time, it felt like the right decision to make but now I feel a little sick to my stomach.
Look, I'm not really asking for advice or anything but… I was wondering if that offer to meet up with you was still on the table? I just really need a friend to talk to… an outside opinion, you know? What do you say?
Swearing under his breath, he buried his face in his hands and had to fight the urge to kick something. Just when he was making an effort to cut her out of his life and get over it before it could cause anything more painful, she reeled him back in. Yes, maybe he should be happy that she wanted to meet him now, but she was also getting married even sooner now. Nothing good could come of this.
No. He had to say no.
So why were his hands typing out that he would meet her? Before he knew it, he had it send and the arrangements were made. So as of now two things were settled: It was going to happen and he was a royal idiot.
Rachel pulled her car into the parking lot of a restaurant about an hour away from Lima. It might have been a bit of a drive, but they had both agreed to not meet in either of their hometowns so neither of them had to drive more than the other. As she stepped out of her car, she straightened her purple dress and grabbed the single pink lily from the passenger's seat and carried it in with her.
Ever since they had no idea what the other looked like, they both agreed to bring that specific flower so they could identify each other. So when she entered the restaurant, she looked around at every table for a sign of a young man sitting alone with a single pink lily. Her eyes carefully combed each person, but there was no sign of him.
"Table for one?" asked a young waiter with a ponytale who snuck up on her.
Her hand immediately clapped over her heart from the fright.
"Sorry… no. Table for two. I'm expecting someone," she said quickly, pulling up the lily and waving it a little.
"Cute," the waiter replied as he reached for two menus and led the way to a table near the window. "This guy you meeting your fiancé?"
She was about to ask how he knew about that when she caught him eyeing her engagement ring.
"Oh, no… Actually—"
"Oh, one of those dates. Right on."
"No, it's not a date," she insisted. "I'm meeting a friend."
"No, really. No judgment here," he said with his hands in the air.
Rachel rolled her eyes and took her seat. She asked for some water and began busying herself with the proper placement of the lily on the table. Her anxiety had her constantly nudging it so that it was perfectly aligned with her silverware.
"Okay, friend. Any minute now," she muttered under her breath, keeping her eyes at the door.
She glanced down at her watch and bit her lip. By this time tomorrow, she would have won Regionals and gotten married… at least she thought.
Just outside the restaurant, Jesse had parked his Range Rover on the other side of the lot. Just before getting out, he ran his hand through his hair and straightened his black jacket. His username was BadassInBlack and he was going to be just that tonight. When he was sure he looked good enough, he grabbed his pink lily and stepped out of the car.
Nerves rushed through him as he approached the restaurant. What if she didn't live up to his expectations? What if she was ugly? What if she turned out to be a forty year old creepy man thinking he was a young guy he could try and sleep with? In the seconds it took him to reach the door, he had already thought out a hundred different scenarios, each more terrifying than the last.
So overwhelmed with nerves, he skipped the front door and walked out to the front to look in through the window. If he could get an idea of what she looked like before going inside, he could be a lot more calm. His eyes quickly scanned over the different faces inside the place, looking carefully at each for a sign of a pink lily nearby.
"Come on…" he whispered.
A flash of pink caught his eye and he saw it. The lily! It was sitting on a table right nearby. Sitting at the table was a young woman whose face was covered up by her menu. He could see that engagement ring sparkling on her left hand clearly from where he stood.
"Damn," he muttered under his breath. "Just… move it a little…"
Almost as though hearing his words, she set the menu down and began fussing with the lily next to her. As his eyes hit her face, they shot wide open.
"No…" he whispered, taking a few steps back.
It couldn't be her.
Of course it was her.
ShiningStar? How was it not obvious before? She spoke exactly like Rachel did and had everything about Rachel that he loved because SHE WAS RACHEL.
He quickly ran his hand through his hair and turned on his heel to walk back to his car.
Rachel was engaged? She was actually going to marry that… that oaf? He couldn't face her right now. He couldn't face her at all. How could she really think getting married in high school as a good idea?
In his anger, he took the lily and threw it in the dumpster outside the restaurant. He just felt so stupid for thinking that he had spent the last few months finally getting over Rachel when he had unknowingly been pining for her all over again.
Anger quickly turned to hurt and hurt quickly turned to a fresh wave of heartbreak. Here he was again, right back at the beginning with his heart crumbling over Rachel Barbra Berry.
She couldn't help but start glancing at her watch every ten seconds now. He said he'd be there at least fifteen minutes ago and he was still a no show.
"So where's this Romeo?" asked the waiter as he refilled her water glass for the fourth time.
"He'll be here," she said as she glanced out the window and prayed she'd see a guy with a pink lily.
"Here's hoping," he said before walking away.
She sighed and buried her face in her hands, trying to hold back tears as best as possible. Why was this affecting her so much? He was just an online friend who seemed to be rejecting her, not a guy she had feelings for. Besides, she couldn't have feelings for him because she was going to get married. Tomorrow. So she couldn't care for him like that… could she?
"Is this seat taken?"
"Yes, I'm… I'm expecting someone any—" she began, wiping her eyes and sniffling softly. But when she looked up and saw Jesse St. James standing there, her words completely died in her throat. "…Jesse? What-what are you doing here?"
He gave her his usual smirk and pulled the seat opposite her to sit down.
"No. You can't sit there. Jesse, I'm expecting someone who should be here any second now so you really can't—"
"Calm down. I'm only sitting here for a few minutes to say hello before getting a table to wait for my date," he said as he grabbed a roll from the bread basket and took a bite.
"Really, Jesse. While it's nice to see you after so long, you really can't sit there," she insisted.
"Who's the flower for? Finn?" he asked, picking up the lily and spinning it between his fingertips. "Shouldn't he be the one giving you flowers?"
"No, I'm not meeting Finn," she said quietly. "And anyway, it's not your business who—"
"Does he know where you are right now?" he asked with a raised brow. "You seemed to go out of your way to meet up with this person. " He leaned forward a little and gave her an amused smile. "Are you cheating on him?"
Her mouth dropped open a little.
"I resent that accusation!"
"Look, Rachel, I just want to catch up a little. See how you're doing and all. Then I'll go," he said before taking another bite of bread.
"I'm doing very well, thank you," she said as she straightened up in her seat a little.
"See you've been busy," he said, reaching out to tap her ring.
Her face immediately grew hot and she wasn't sure why.
"Oh… yes, it's recent."
"Really now," he muttered sarcastically, grabbing her glass of water to drink from it.
"I'm actually getting married tomorrow at the court house," she said in a voice just above a whisper.
Jesse choked on the water and nearly dropped the glass.
"Jesse! Are you okay?" she yelped, jumping to her feet and circling around the small table so she could slap his back.
"Tomorrow?" he asked after clearing his throat. "Rachel, I—"
"I'm happy, Jesse," she said quickly. "I want to do this. Please don't protest it because I've already gotten enough of that already enough as it is."
He shut his mouth and nodded.
"Of course," he whispered, trying his hardest to muster a happy show face, despite the agony ripping at him inside. "I'm happy for you. Congratulations."
"I… thank you, Jesse," she said softly as she sat back down.
There was a brief pause.
"So where is this person?" he asked, pointing to the flower. "And what's the point of the flower anyway?"
"Oh… well, if you must know… I'm meeting with a special friend I met online. We talk about show choir stuff and we agreed to meet up for a friendly chat."
"And you need the flower to identify each other?" he asked with a raised brow.
She was too embarrassed to say anything, so she just nodded.
"That's so You've Got Mail," he said in amusement.
"Or if you want to be technical, In The Good Old Summertime with Judy Garland which inspired it."
"No, The Little Shop Around The Corner inspired them both," he said with a finger pointed up.
"That's… what he said," she said in a hushed voice.
"And he stood you up," he said, shaking his head in disapproval.
"He didn't stand me up!" she said quickly. "I'm sure there's a very valid reason why he's running so late."
"Oh, sure. Maybe he's a serial killer and he's caught up with his last killing," he said with a serious nod.
"Jesse! He's not a serial killer!" she said, almost laughing.
"I wonder what he looks like. He's probably really some forty year old weirdo trying to take advantage of you. He's probably old and bald with nasty teeth and a skin condition—"
"Okay, Jesse. That's enough!" she cut in, but still unable to fight her giggles. She hated that he was able to make her laugh at such a thing when the guy she was waiting for was really a sweetheart.
Chuckling softly, he glanced at his watch and sighed.
"I should be going. I guess my date isn't coming and I need to head back to Akron because I have work tomorrow. I'm the coach of Vocal Adrenaline, you know," he said with a smirk as he stood to his feet.
"You're what?" she asked in a loud whisper.
"Gotta go," he said quickly, turning to leave.
He made it a step before ultimately stopping and turning back.
"I wish you all the happiness in the world, Rachel. I really do," he said, trying his hardest to hide the pain from his face and voice.
"Thank you, Jesse," she whispered, giving him a weak smile. "I'll see you around?"
"At Nationals," he said before finally turning on his heel and heading out.
With Regionals taken care of, all Rachel had left was to finally get married. There she stood in front of the mirror wearing her wedding dress and fixing her hair. The dress didn't seem to fit her properly because there wasn't enough time (or money) for alterations, but it didn't matter. Her love with Finn was all that mattered and she couldn't wait to become his wife.
But with Quinn's lateness, she simply couldn't begin. Her eyes kept darting down to her phone, alternating between checking her texts and jumping to her e-mail to see if there was anything from BadassInBlack with any sort of reason for his inability to show up the night before.
"Rachel…" she heard Finn say.
"Just five more minutes, Finn. She'll be here…"
Jesse's Range Rover came to a screeching halt outside of the Lima Court House. Was he too late? He couldn't tell. As he ran through the parking lot, he passed by Finn's old pick-up truck with JUST MARRIED written on an old poster board taped to the back.
He couldn't believe how tasteless this all was. Shaking his head in disgust, he continued to run towards the doors and stopped when he saw Rachel through the window.
There she was standing there in her wedding dress with her fathers next to her and talking to a woman he couldn't see. From what he could barely see through the dirty windows, she was so incredibly beautiful. No-Perfect. She looked perfect.
His hand touched the glass of the window longingly.
Just moments before he was determined to storm through those doors and object to the wedding, but now he didn't really know if he could.
"I'm happy, Jesse," he remembered her saying the day before. "I want to do this. Please don't protest it…"
Suddenly he didn't have the heart to do it. Clenching his jaw, he let his hand slip from the glass and stepped away from the door.
They always said that if you truly love someone, you need to set them free.
And that's exactly what he was doing.
Just as he was walking down to the parking lot, he was startled to hear the doors of the court house bursting open as everyone quickly filtered out and ran towards the nearest cars. He saw Rachel running with her dads to their car instead of Finn's truck. In the rush of it all, he could very clearly see the tears and worry on her face and it scared him.
"Excuse me?" he asked one of the women rushing out, not knowing he was speaking to Carol Hudson. "What happened?"
She shook her head and covered her mouth.
"It's terrible. They were going to get married but then their friend got into a car accident and they don't know if she's going to make it… I—Excuse me, I have to go find my son," she said quickly before running off to find her son.
"What was her name?" he shouted after her.
Without stopping to turn around, she shook her head and wiped the tears from her face. "Quinn Fabray!"
Dear Friend,
I don't know if you're still out there getting my messages but I have nowhere else to turn. You've always been one of my dearest friends since we started speaking and I treasure our friendship so much. Anyway, I'm writing you today because one of my best friends was in a tragic car accident and I'm not sure if she'll fully recover. It happened on the day I was supposed to get married and… it was all my fault. If I hadn't been texting her…wondering where she was, she wouldn't have been busy too busy texting me to pay attention to the road. I've never felt so terrible before in my life.
Just please talk to me again?
Jesse sat there with his face in his hands, unable to work out what to do. Part of him didn't want to play this game again now that he knew it was her. He just wanted to drive over to Lima and be there for her in person. He actually almost did to that a few times, but the thought of Finn already being there and doing the job got in the way.
He sighed in resignation and sat back in front of his computer to type a message.
Dear Friend,
Words cannot express how deeply sorry I am for being unable to show up for dinner when we had planned. I wish I could give you a good excuse to earn your forgiveness, but I can't. I hope you don't think too little of me now, but that's not the point right now. I'm truly sorry to hear about your friend. Just know that it really wasn't your fault. Yes, in retrospect you probably shouldn't have been texting her but you really couldn't have known. I'm sure she doesn't blame you and you shouldn't blame yourself either. Life's too short to live in regret.
Xx
And so the strange online friendship struck up again. Even though Jesse was fully aware of who he was talking to, he couldn't bring himself to let go of the friendship. If this was the way he could be in her life right now, then he'd take it. Besides, he was doing a lot of good for her and he couldn't deny her the mystery friendship that she wanted.
Especially when he got the letter from her detailing about how she had choked on her NYADA audition. Suddenly he had been taken right back to when he screwed up his. He remembered the shame he felt when he was practically told that he was good but not good enough.
After that, he didn't hear from her for a good week. All he received was a very short message that completely baffled him.
Dear Friend,
I've chosen to look at this failure in a new, more positive light. Maybe New York wasn't for me after all. I think it's time I moved on and tried pursuing something a bit more realistic. So for the next week, I'm going to focus on prom and wedding plans. The wedding is still on, of course. I'm thinking the best time will be after Graduation. I really wish you could come…
"No!" Jesse snapped at the screen. "Damn it. You will not…Ugh."
He groaned and grabbed his phone with every intention of ending this game and telling her off. But just before he hit her name on his contact list, he froze and dropped it. There was a better way. Nodding to himself, he pulled his computer and began a reply.
Dear ShiningStar,
Remember how that's your user name? You're a Shining Star and you shouldn't give up just now. So you choked with NYADA. There's still a ton of other opportunities out there and they are yours for the taking. You're going to go to Nationals and I'm going to see you there shining up on that stage. That's exactly what we planned, right? Seeing each other at Nationals? And after that you're going to go to New York and become the star that you were destined to be. I have so much faith in you. You just need to have faith in yourself.
Now go enjoy your prom, but get back in the game after. You can do this. I know it.
-The Badass Who Believes In You
Rachel was back in action and nothing was going to stop her. Her mystery friend was right. All hope was not lost and she could pull this together. She had spent days trying to contact Carmen Tibideaux over and over again to get a second shot at a NYADA audition. She just hoped that her persistence and stubbornness would reflect well on her and she'd see that she was worth taking another shot on her. When Tina went with her over to confront her in person, she was able to do just that. Well, not really. She simply extended the invitation for her to see what she can do at Nationals and was hoping she'd actually show.
She would show.
She had to show.
Then Nationals came and Jesse St. James found her, telling her that Carmen wasn't going to show. But she knew him. She could see right through that show face that he was badly holding together that he was getting mean out of his nerves. So she simply just gave him a cocky comeback and bid him farewell.
As she walked back to the Auditorium, she felt her phone vibrate with an email notification.
Dear Friend,
Break a leg up there. Regardless of the outcome, I'm proud of you.
-Your Favorite Badass
Smiling softly, she pushed her hair behind her ear and wrote out a quick reply.
Dear Friend,
Whichever team you're with, I wish you the best of luck. No matter what the outcome is, I'm so glad you're my friend.
-Your Favorite Star
With the Nationals trophy finally in the hands of The New Directions, felt like she was on top of the world. Graduation was coming up and so was her wedding. All she really needed was that NYADA acceptance letter and she'd really be all set. Finn would be by her side and Kurt would be right there with her, too.
That was at least the high she felt before the letters actually came in…
Now she was about to get in Finn's car and go get married. Maybe she'd go to NYADA next year. He wasn't going to New York and neither was Kurt, so of course that meant she wasn't going. Her heart was broken over the fact, but she knew she'd be okay. She was meant to be with Finn and if he couldn't go with her now, then maybe she wasn't meant to go there just yet.
Nodding to herself, she assured herself that this was right for the tenth time in the last five minutes.
"Okay," she whispered to herself.
Then her phone vibrated.
She bit back a sigh and checked the email that she didn't even have to check to see who sent it.
Dear Friend,
I did it. I made the move to New York and everything feels right with the world again. I can't wait for you to get over here and feel it for yourself. There's something about the New York sunshine that just fills you with a new hope. But you'll see.
Anyway, when you really want to meet just say the word. I'll be there this time and I won't forget my pink lily. I swear.
She didn't have the heart to tell him that she wasn't going. How could she let him down after all the faith he put in her?
Figuring she'd find a way to break the news after the wedding, she got in the car with Finn and put it out of her mind for now…
And then the next thing she knew she was a tearful mess being put on a train to New York without a fiancé by her side. As a matter of fact, she didn't even have a fiancé anymore. If she thought she had experienced true pain before, it had nothing on the agony she was feeling now.
Halfway through the ride, she remembered the message she got and pulled out her phone to send a final reply.
Dear Friend,
You'll be delighted to know that I'm currently on a train heading to New York. However all is not well. It seems that my… well, I can't very well call him fiancé anymore because he broke our engagement. He's going to the army and is sending me on my way without him. My heart is broken, but deep down underneath it all, there is a tiny glimmer of hope that says that it will be okay when I get there.
Anyway, I'd love to take you up on your offer. I could really use someone right about now.
Would you be able to meet me in Central Park by the Bethesda Fountain? I hope you give good hugs because I need one right now.
Oh, and by the way, my name is Rachel.
It turned out that the tiny glimmer of hope that spoke to her from deep down inside of her was right. She was now in New York and the world now seemed filled to the brim with promise and possibility. Finally, it felt like the sun was shining on her. It felt different from the sunshine in Lima. There was something about the light from the city sky that warmed every little piece of her, even the parts left cold from a broken heart. Even though her heart was aching, this city was slowly but surely making her alright again.
As she strolled into Central Park with her roller suitcase, she smiled as she grew closer and closer to Bethesda Fountain. She had visited it the year before when she was competing in the New York City Nationals and it was nice to be there again. When she spotted it, she looked around for any man with a pink lily, but saw no one of the sort.
But she did see Jesse St. James.
"Jesse?" she asked, pulling her luggage with her near where he sat at the fountain edge. "What are you doing here?"
He looked up from his phone with a look of slight surprise.
"I moved here after I was fired," he said with a shrug. "I should've made the move a long time ago, to be honest."
She nodded and sat down next to him at the edge of the fountain.
"What brings you here?" he asked, leaning closer to her slightly.
"I'm meeting someone," she said with her eyes on hands.
"Oh god, not again," he laughed, shaking his head slightly.
"He's not going to stand me up this time!"
"Oh, he won't."
"Of course he won't."
"Rachel, there's something you should know," he said seriously.
"What," she mumbled, leaning forward to lean her head on her hands.
"I was here for a couple of hours and I met a guy. A guy with a pink lily. It reminded me of the time I ran into you at the restaurant and I struck up a conversation, telling him the story."
Her head snapped up and she grabbed his arm.
"Oh? What happened? What did he say?" she asked quickly.
"Turns out he was the same guy you were supposed to meet that day. See, he showed up that night with every intention of meeting up with you. But when he looked through the window, he saw you there talking to me and got jealous. He thought I was your fiancé."
"What? No, the poor thing. He had feelings for me?" she asked, her hold on his arm tightening a little.
Jesse sighed dramatically and nodded.
"Intense feelings that he knew weren't returned. So he did the only thing he thought he could do and he walked away to let you be happy."
"He couldn't have been very happy when he saw you here today, then," she said, her head falling into her hand again.
"No, he wasn't. But lucky for you, I reassured him that I wasn't your fiancé and that you were still intending on meeting him today. So he went to go buy you an entire bouquet of lilies to bring you so he could properly welcome you to New York. I'm simply still here to make sure you didn't leave if you showed up and he wasn't here."
"Oh… well, I suppose I should be thanking you, then."
"No need. I know you're still hurting over Finn, but… Just… go easy on this guy, Rach. Despite being a "Badass in Black", he's really not so hard on the inside. And he really, truly does love you. I swear," he said softly.
Rachel opened her mouth to reply, but the words got caught in her throat as she processed what he said.
"I… never told you about the breakup," she said nervously. "And… how how did you know his…"
Her mouth was stuck open in shock as she watched as Jesse reached next to him for his black jean jacket. He pulled it aside and picked something up that it had obviously been covering before.
It was an entire bouquet of pink lilies.
"Hello, friend," he whispered.
"Jesse… you… you were… the whole time?"
Chuckling softly, he nodded and set the flowers down on her lap.
"Every last message. All me."
"And in the restaurant?"
"That's when I found out it was you," he confessed.
"Oh God!" she gasped, bringing her hand to cover her mouth. "He reminded me of you so much… I mean, you reminded me of you… I mean."
"It's okay," he assured her.
"No, you don't understand. Through this entire time, it was you who understood me in a way that no one else did. I kept turning to you because I felt like you were the only one who truly got me. I hadn't felt that way since I was dating you…"
He looked down and nodded.
"Well I'm happy I could help you feel that," he muttered.
"Jesse…" she began, biting her lip softly as she considered it. "I know for sure that I need more time for my heart to heal after everything but… just for now…"
She reached up and cupped his face and pulled his lips to hers in a soft and tender kiss. It might not be the epically romantic kiss from the end of every romance movie where the couple inevitably gets back together, but this wasn't a movie. They still had a long way to go together, but this was definitely more than enough. For now, anyway. Still, as Jesse stroked her cheek and kissed her back, he had a feeling it wouldn't take very long to win her back for good. New York City had a way of mending hearts like theirs in no time at all.