Toki Wartooth had it bad. His man-crush-slash-rivalry-slash-vague-comp

etition-for-best-guitarist-in-the-word had, unknown to him, transformed into something akin to the most unmetal of all emotions. Love. Blech. But, as much as the idea should have repulsed him for being the most lame thing on earth, he couldn't help embracing it just a little. It meant stolen glances at rehearsals, getting into fights just for the contact of Skwisgaar's skin on his skin, hands tangled in his hair, both their hearts racing after. It was the closest thing to sex he was going to get. It was almost enough.

Skwisgaar was perfectly aware of Toki's feelings. He would often tease him with a lingering touch on the shoulder when explaining something, or a brush against his leg when they sat together. It was fun to watch the younger man squirm a little in his chair. He had no intention of it going beyond that, unless it would benefit him in some way. Little did he know that opportunity would come up sooner rather than later.

They were backstage before a concert when it happened. Toki, as usual, begged for a solo. Skwisgaar had so many during shows, why couldn't he give up one?

"Please! Comes on Skwisgaar! I gives you anysthing you wants! I's gives you all my models planes! I never complains abouts nots getting desserts for a weeks!" (a big deal coming from Toki) "I still sucks you cock!"

"Toki," Skwisgaar explained, as though talking to a mentally challenged five year old, "you don'ts practice. You messes up abouts thirty precents of de time. No."

Toki looked crushed, as usual when denied what he wanted. Sometimes he threw a tantrum, but not tonight, thank gods. This was getting old. Years, YEARS of listening to this. Then, Skwisgaar got an idea, he got an awful, wonderful idea. He even couldn't stop the smirk spreading across his lips. This was too perfect.

"Listens, talks to me after de shows, in mine room on da bus. I tinks we can talks it out, ja?"

Toki brightened. "Okays!"

"Yous playing ams still dildos." Toki always played better when he was a little pissed and trying to show Skwisgaar up.

"Whats does you want me to gives you to gets one solo?" Toki had barely shut the door before the question spilled from him like a bursting dam.

"It amst what I wants. It's whats you wants."

"What's you mean?"

"If I gives you someting you really, really wants, maysbe we cans not haves more talks of dis solos again?" Manipulating Toki was too easy. Had Skwisgaar much of a conscience, he'd feel a bit bad.

"Whats does I want dat badlies?" Toki scoffed, but his expression changed when the Swede slinked toward him with his lithe frame, towering over him, too close. Why was he so close? Toki damned himself for the blush spreading across his cheeks and nose.

"Mes," Skwisgaar purred it in a husky voice, slipping a finger into the top of Toki's jeans and pulling him closer. Their faces were inches apart.

Toki stammered a little in response, but it amounted to nothing comprehensible.

"I sees the way you looks at me. I knows why you am always starting fights. You just wants to touch me," his voice was so sultry, so velvety, so dirty, Toki was afraid that if he continued to speak, he'd throw himself desperately at Skwisgaar, earning a punch to the face and weeks, maybe months of mockery.

"Uh… I don't s know what you ams..."

"Don'ts plays dat game with me, little Toki," and then Skwisgaar's lips were on his, so light a touch that Toki barely felt them at all. The touch was enough to make him squeak somewhere in his throat. Was this really happening? Skwisgaar broke the kiss slowly, returning to the inches from Toki's face he'd been moments ago. "If I gives you whats you want, everythingsyou want, for ones night, you will nevers asks for a solo agains. Tinks about it, little Toki. Opporstunities knocks, but they don't knocks more den once." With that, Skwisgaar released Toki and walked in his bathroom to wash his corpse paint off. Toki stood there, stunned, for several minutes. When he realized Skwisgaar wasn't coming back until he left, he quietly slipped out the door and ran for his own room.

Toki got little sleep the night before. It felt bizarrely wrong to jack off after
the conversation with Skwisgaar, so he waited, painfully, for an hour before his arousal abated. After that, he spent hours thinking about the proposition. Did he want a solo that badly? Badly enough to give up a night with the one person he'd ever really loved? He'd promised anything Toki wanted for one night. Toki could hear him say that he loved him, if only once in forever. Skwisgaar would kiss him and hold him. It was too much to think about. So Toki pushed it from his mind and fell into a fitful sleep.
The morning was grey when they arrived back and Mordhaus. Skwisgaar had spent the morning in his room and when he emerged to go inside, he didn't so much as look at Toki. There was a vague discomfort somewhere in Toki's stomach and the first thing he did when going inside was head for the liquor cabinet, which was more like a walk-in liquor closet. He grabbed some vodka, sat the circular saw table and began to drink. At some point Pickles and Nathan showed up, mistook the self-medicating drinking for celebratory drinking and downed a few shots with Toki. He remained, nursing a second bottle after they'd gone and realized, halfway into it, that he'd been sitting in the kitchen all day. It was now eleven in the evening and he still had no idea what to do.
Skwisgaar had spent about an hour standing in the shadows, just beyond the doorway, earlier in the evening and had begun to develop a sick kind of guilt in the pit of his stomach. He had meant it to be an easy decision for Toki, a spur of the moment, break-neck choice, driven by arousal. He didn't think Toki would stew over it for so long. He remembered after the death of Toki's father how he'd further damaged himself, physically and otherwise, as he downed bottle after bottle of alcohol to numb his pain. He considered rescinding his offer, but he thought that it might make things worse. After watching for as long as he could take, he retired to his room to lie in bed and feel badly, alone.

Around two in the morning, there was a barely audible knock at his door. He didn't need to think about it as he called softly, "comes in, Toki."

"I toughts about it." Toki didn't even move from the doorway once he swung it open. The other band members were asleep or passed out, so there was no danger in staying put and having the conversation across the room.

"Ands?" Skwisgaar didn't show any of the guilt he'd been feeling earlier.

"I wants to does it," Toki looked down, ashamed, disguised with his own decision. Skwisgaar was close to breaking, telling Toki to forget it.

Instead, what came out of his mouth surprised him. "Tomorrows night. Comes back tomorrows night, earlies, rights after dinner."

Toki nodded and walked away.

Skwisgaar had fucked up real bad this time.

He offered plenty of chances for Toki to change his mind the next day. "You ams gettings a little less dildos," he commented after rehearsal, hoping Toki would return to asking for solos. "I'ms pretty sleepy, thinks I'll turns in a littles early tonights." "Goes play with you's model planes, Toki, you dildos!" Toki seemed to ignore him, or chose not to say anything, Skwisgaar wasn't sure which. Sure enough, at seven oclock, as he was noodling around on his guitar, Toki opened the door a crack.

"I'ms here," he whispered, coming in timidly and standing a foot from the closed door, hunched a little, shifting nervously from one foot to the other.

"I cans sees dat. Comes over heres." Skwisgaar had been dreading this encounter for the past two hours. It dawned on him that Toki might want to get a blow job from him, or worse, top him. The thought made him shudder. Toki finally unfroze and walked slowly over to the bed. "I sees you decideds. Skwisgaar reached for Toki's pant's button. Toki caught his hands midair and held them there, forcing the blond to look up at him questioningly.

"You saids you gives me anythings I want, rights?"

Oh gods, it was going to be some weird kinky thing. Skwisgaar felt himself pale.

"Ja…" he said cautiously.

Toki crouched down in front of him, making eye contact a little easier. "I wants…" He was nearly petrified, his voice was tight, he was trembling. This couldn't be good.

"Yes, little Toki?" Skwisgaar said, almost kindly. Damn. He couldn't start to feel sympathy. Toki had chosen this.

"I wants…"

"Toki, spits it out." The lead guitarist was losing not only his patience, but also his nerve. Toki's apprehension was putting him on edge, too.

"I wants to cuddle and kiss! Dat's all!" Toki blurted out, unable to look Skwisgaar in the eye after requesting something so very, very gay.

Skwisgaar was speechless for a moment. That was it? Toki had been so obviously turned on last night, and all he wanted was to cuddle!? After the initial shock wore of, Skwisgaar felt a pang of relief. No blowjobs, no prepping for anal sex; this was going to be a walk in the park.

Toki took off his shirt. Okay, so, he wanted some skin to skin contact. That was fine. Skwisgaar mirrored the gesture and patted the bed next to him, indicating his younger bandmate to join him. Toki complied. The two sat in awkward silence for a few moments.

"So… ams you gonna, or ams I…?"

"I's never dones this before," Toki explained. He looked near panic when he spoke now.

"Yous never makes out before? Dats is a lie, Toki!" Skwisgaar almost laughed.

"Nots wid…"

"Ohhh!" Skwisgaar did laugh at this. "It amst different than makings out wid a goil."

"Okays," Toki agreed but sounded dubious.

There was another pause. Okay, clearly Skwisgaar would have to start things. If it didn't progress beyond the two sitting with their shirts off, Toki would be begging for solos again in a week. He turned Toki's head toward him, holding it still as he leaned in. Before his lips met the brunette's, he tucked the hair fallen in his face behind his ear. As he was grateful Toki was letting him off easily, he decided to be magnanimous and go full-out-romantic. Even if it was unmetal. The kissing wasn't bad, though it didn't do much for Skwisgaar. It felt vaguely incestuous. But, he persevered. Eventually, he leaned Toki back on the bed and pulled him closer by the hips. Toki had relaxed a little and was letting his hands roam over Skwisgaaar's back and chest as he kissed. Lying in bed and kissing, that was a slightly different story for Skwisgaar. Toki's kissing technique had seemed to improve a hundredfold and as much as he was loathe to admit it, even to himself, he was kind of getting into it. But Toki never ventured south of the waistband of his pants. Skwisgaar took his lead from the rhythm guitarist, almost chuckling at the irony that Toki was the one in charge tonight. Really, he was getting both of his desires; but the brunette probably wouldn't realize that.

The longer they kissed, the longer it became apparent that something more important than playing guitar or having sex was happening. At first, it was a minor realization in the back of his mind, but it slowly crept over his thoughts, nagging at him. The kisses were slow, the touching was warm, gentle. There was no intense passion driving it; just the desire to hold on to the Swede and keep him close for as long as possible. This scared Skwisgaar. Toki wasn't here for anything more than physical closeness, which he was now mistaking for emotional intimacy. That's when Skwisgaar began to panic. He pushed Toki far enough away to speak.

"Toki, I can'ts lets you think dat dis means somethingk more den what its is."

Toki looked confused. And then crushed. This expression was worse than any expression Skwisgaar had ever seen and he felt his stomach drop.

"Why does you gots to do that, Skwisgaar? You saids you gives me anythings I wants, for one night!" Toki's eyes shimmered with the tears that were fighting to escape.

"Because then it hurts dats much more tomorrows and de next days and the next days. It amst gonna change nothings between us. It doesn'ts means I don't cares. It means dat I don'ts wants you to tink it means dats somethings ams going to happen."

Toki sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He felt sick.

"I don'ts feels so good. I'ms goings to beds." Skwisgaar grabbed his wrist as he reached for his shirt on the floor.

"Toki."

"I just wants to go, please."

"Toki…"

"Please, Skwisgaar, if you cares abouts me, den lets me go." The words hit like a bullet to the chest. Toki meant so many things more than to remove his hand from his wrist. Skwisgaar understood now the pain that Toki must have been feeling for the past… he had no idea how long. If he did care, he had to let Toki go. In all regards. But, he reflected for an instant, he didn't want to. 'If you love someone, do what's best for them,' rang in his mind. His grandmother had told him this once when he was a child.

"Please, stays."

Toki turned and Skwisgaar moved closer and pulled him into a tight hug.

"Stays, at leasts for tonight," he whispered, no shrouded lust, no hidden meanings. He didn't want a bedmate, that much was clear to Toki. Toki wasn't sure, then, exactly what Skwisgaar did want. But, he complied, unsure why. The two lay in silence and though it was strained, Skwisgaar spooned against Toki and held on like he would sink into some unseen abyss if he did not.