SPOILER WARNING: none WRITTEN: April 22, 1997 RATING:PG CONTENT WARNING: MSR CLASSIFICATION:S/R SUMMARY: Scully leaves Mulder.
C A U T I O N: This story has basically no plot. That isn't the worst. Normally I don't tell people not to read a story if they don't like MSR or whatever, but I definitely think this one requires a strong warning. Noromos beware. This story may even be too much for the average shipper. It's too much for me, and I wrote it. I believe I should have maybe deleted it. BE WARNED. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
Disclaimer: Aw, mommy, do I hafta? Oh, all right, then. KatieTaylor takes a deep breath Moose and Squirrel belong to Surfer Boy, 1013, Fox, DD and GA. I promise not to hurt then (see how happy they are at the end?) so please don't sue me. Oh yeah, and I borrowed a title off Mark Snow's XF soundtrack.
Author's Notes: Hello, all. Well, you'll all be happy to know that I have "Author's-Note/Disclaimer" block, so this'll be nice and short and sweet. Amatorium ex Arcanum is Latin for Love and Mystery (or something like that). Enjoy.
Thanks go, of course, to my editors who read this story and lived to give me feedback! ) : Kelli; StevieAnn; Yasmin; Regina; and Koula
Amatorium ex Arcanum by KatieTaylor
Scully's stomach had been doing a continuous flip flop since she had arrived at Mulder's apartment. Her plan could ruin everything. But she had to know. He had to know. She was prepared for the rejection. She would leave the X-Files. She already had another job lined up in California through an old med-school friend in case this didn't work out. Her stomach did one last somersault and she took a deep breath as she heard Mulder's key in the lock.
Mulder opened the door. He'd had a particularly bad meeting with Skinner less than an hour ago and was now in a very foul mood, to say the least. He went to slam the door behind him, but when he looked up and saw Scully walking toward him, all recollection of the meeting escaped him, and he softly closed the door.
"Scully?"
"Hi, Mulder."
"How..."
"I used the key you gave me a while ago. I need to talk to you about something."
"Sure, Scully. What is it?" He began to walk toward the couch, but she blocked his path.
"What is it, Scully? Is something wrong?"
"No, not really." She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. Mulder took off his jacket and turned to throw it over a nearby chair. When he turned back to her, she had opened her eyes and the look she was giving him was indescribable. Despite his years at Oxford, he had never come across a word that would accurately describe the look she was giving him, name all the emotions that showed in her eyes.
"I have to tell you something, Mulder." She smiled and took his hand, leading him to the couch. They sat and she took one last deep breath before continuing.
"I have to tell you something because I can't live without you not knowing any longer. And I think you need to hear it.
"Fox, I love you. I have loved you for so long and I'm telling you now because it's getting too hard for me to hide it any longer." She searched his face for some kind of reaction but he just seemed stunned. She had to finish it. "And Fox, I need to know, do you love me, too?"
He looked at her and then quickly looked down. It took him a while to answer.
"Scully, I do love you, but I don't mean it the way you want me to mean it. I love you like a sister."
She tried not to let her disappointment show. She hoped she succeeded.
Something in the back of her mind told her to kiss him anyway. So that she wouldn't just be dreaming about it? So she would know, finally, what it was like to kiss him? Or was it because she suspected he wasn't being totally honest with her and she had to know the truth?
She didn't say or do anything for a few moments. Then she quickly moved forward and kissed him. As much as he tried not to, he couldn't help but kiss her back.
She had her answer. She pulled away reluctantly and watched him. He closed his eyes and it looked to her as if he was silently cursing himself, struggling with his inner demons.
"Mulder." He opened his eyes and looked at her. "You didn't kiss me like a brother would." He didn't say anything for a long moment, and a flash of hope lightened her heart. Maybe he would apologize to her and tell her that he loved her too, that . . .
"I'm sorry, Scully," he started. So far, so good, she thought. "But that's the way I feel." The smile that had started to appear on her face quickly vanished.
"Can you look me in the eye and tell me that, Fox?"
He looked straight into her deep blue eyes and said, "I'm sorry, Dana, but I don't love you. Not the way you want me to."
Scully drew a quick breath, bit her lip and held the tears back. If she hadn't prepared herself for the possible rejection, she might have broken down in Mulder's apartment.
Later, back in her own apartment, she no longer had to put up a strong front for him. She didn't have to stay strong in front of him. She didn't have to worry about him finding out how much he had really broken her heart. The steaming water pounded against her skin in the shower. She had expected to be upset if she found out he did not return her love, and thought she had prepared herself well enough to handle the disappointment. However, she hadn't expected it to hurt quite this much. She slumped to the floor of the shower and water washed away the tears.
'I don't want to make you any more uncomfortable than I already have. So I've left. Good-bye. Dana'
Mulder had discovered the note on his desk in their office along with her keys. He couldn't believe she was going. He had never dreamt that something like this would be what finally caused her to leave him. Somehow, he knew, he had to fix this.
He had used quite a few Redskins tickets to learn that she had resigned and was leaving for California at 16:00. She was getting as far away from him as possible as quickly as she could. Now, he was speeding his way to Dulles. But it was already 15:45 and he was only half way there. There was no way he was going to get to the airport before her plane took off, but he didn't slow down. He would catch her.
Flashing his badge, he booked the first flight to Los Angeles and boarded the plane. He hoped to catch her at the airport, but it was a long shot. It was a huge airport and she would probably have left before his plane even landed. But he would find her, even if he had to call every hotel in LA. He would track her down.
She missed him already. She had seen him less than a day ago and she already missed him. Surely it was for the best. Mulder didn't feel that way about her. At least, that's what he had said. When they had kissed, she had been so sure there was something else there. Maybe it was there, but he just hadn't recognized it or admitted it to himself. Maybe he was denying it. Maybe she was totally wrong.
What ever the case may be, she had to leave because she didn't want him to feel uncomfortable. She had admitted she loved him and if he didn't feel the same way, he might have felt he had to start watching what he said and did, maybe read too much into things - like the looks they always threw each other, their teasing that was almost always laced with sexual innuendoes. If he did feel the same way, he might have had to try hiding it more. Certainly, things would be drastically different, and not for the better. She had told herself leaving would be the best thing to do. That it would be easy to leave. As always, easier said than done.
"Dana!" Great she thought now I'm hearing things. The man's voice had sounded exactly like Mulder's. She quietly laughed at herself as she stepped out of the terminal and onto the sidewalk.
"Welcome back to California, Starbuck," she whispered to herself. Just as she was about to hail a taxi, someone roughly grabbed her arm.
"Hey, what the hell?" She couldn't believe it. Two seconds in LA and she was being mugged.
The man turned her around. Her mouth dropped open and her stomach tied itself into a huge bow as she looked up into those gorgeous hazel eyes. The eyes that she had fallen in love with the first time she had gazed into them.
Without saying anything, he put his hand through her thick auburn hair and kissed her. Something he had wanted to do for what seemed like ages.
"I can't believe I actually caught you at the airport."
"Ah, my plane was late," she answered slowly. "What are you doing here?"
"I tried to get to you at Dulles, but I missed you." Mulder led her off to the side, out of the way, so they could talk.
"How did you know you would catch me here?" He smiled his crooked-just-for-her smile.
"I didn't, but I had to try. I would have gone to every hotel to find you. If that didn't work, I would have knocked on every door."
Was she hearing him right? She couldn't say anything, so they stayed silent for a few minutes as they walked back into the building and to a restaurant where they both ordered well-deserved drinks.
"Mulder, what are you doing here?" She asked the question looking down in her drink.
"Scully, I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way. I didn't know you were going to leave me."
"I didn't want you to know. I wanted the truth and I got it, I thought this was the best thing to do."
"Maybe it would have been the best thing to do, if that had been the truth. But it wasn't and I'm sorry I lied to you." He took her hand and pressed it to his lips. "I never wanted to hurt you."
Scully didn't know what to think. Back in DC, she had thought there was something else there, but he had said he didn't love her, and yet here he was. He had come all the way across the country to see her.
"I don't understand," was all she could manage. This was her dream come true, but she still couldn't understand why he had come all this way, what exactly was he saying?
"Dana, when you told me how you felt about me, that was the happiest I had ever been in my whole life, but I couldn't tell you. I was convinced it would be better to ignore our feelings. I didn't want to lose what we have. I want to be everything you want me to be, but I don't know if I can. I am afraid I can't make you happy and I don't want to hurt you. But I didn't know you were going to leave me. I can't live without you in my life. If I have to choose between a changed relationship and no relationship, I guess I'm willing to chance the change." Mulder took both of her hands in his.
"Dana, I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you that before."
She laughed quietly, almost to herself. "What is it?" he asked her.
"Nothing really. It's just that whenever I ran this conversation in my mind, I never really got past the part where you said you loved me too. What do we do now?"
"Well, for starters, we could get on a plane back to Washington."
She smiled, a beautiful smile. It took Mulder's breath away. "I'm sorry I left you."
"That's okay. I'm just glad I caught you before you got in that cab. I'm sure it's not as easy to follow a taxi as in the movies." They laughed and he looked in her eyes. Pure happiness looked back.
They stood and made their way to book two seats on the first flight back to Washington.
"I don't know how I lived before I met you, Scully." He stopped, considering what he had just said for a moment. "Yes I do. I didn't live. You are my life. I wish I could have told you that sooner."
"But we've said it now, Fox." She kissed him as their plane began to board.
When the plane took off and headed east, Dana took Fox's hand and smiled as they headed to their old homes and jobs, but a new life together.
The end.
Does anyone else have a cavity now?
axiously awaiting the movie in Europe (
KatieTaylor