Hey, Star Wars FanFiction universe! Happy summer! I'm back with a one-shot, and it is about Vader. It's just not angsty. I love torturing that poor little robot Sith.
Disclaimer: I have my learner's permit now, but I don't own Star Wars. Get off the roads, it's RPN time!
Clearing The Air: Imperial Rumors That May or May Not Be True
Good afternoon, loyal subjects of the Empire! And to all you Rebels out there, I'm coming for you. Like Justin Bieber's coming for his one less lonely girl. Well, not really, I'm coming to kill you and he's coming to…..never mind, I'm Darth Vader, Apprentice to the Emperor, Head Commander of the Imperial Army, Navy, and Air Force.
My master, The Emperor, told me not to make this speech tonight, but I'm tired of all the emails! "Hey Darth, I wanna be a Stormtrooper!" "Can you send me a lightsaber and tell me Obi-Wan's address? I wanna be a Jedi!" "I think Luke Skywalker is totally hot!" So, this is my Clear The Air of Any Untrue Rumors speech. Pay attention and learn the Empire's deepest, darkest secrets! Uh, if you side with the Rebellion, you may want to change the channel to a rerun of How I Met Your Smuggler or maybe Two And A Half Jedi. Except we just gave Charlie Sheen the boot. My personal suggestion is Modern Council. Anyway, here we go! Five rumors that I'll confirm or deny.
1/ Yes, actually, we are recruiting Stormtroopers currently. You see, Kamino is playing Hide-And-Seek with the Empire and we can't produce any more clones for the time being. So, if you're interested, get yourself down to your local Imperial Base and sign up. They'll put you through some physical, emotional, and mental tests that may cause some PTSD (no, that's not a "female problem") but hey, you get your own uncomfortable suit that looks like mine but white and far less attractive, your own blaster, and your own collection of numbers and letters. If you've got what it takes, maybe you can work with me some day.
2/ All the Jedi are gone! G O N E, people! I took care of them myself and I never fail! I'm like an iceberg and those Jedi were the Titanic. It took a while, but they finally sank! So if you're looking for Jedi training, just stop. Or buy a one-way ticket to Tatooine and wander the desert aimlessly until you find a tiny hut. Inside that hut you'll find some pizza. Get it? Pizza Hut? Man, if I could laugh inside this stuffy helmet, I'd be ROFLing! Yeah, that's right, teenagers of the galaxy. I'm groovy with the lingo. I know the street terms.
3/ For those of you who didn't know, yes, I am human. I know it's hard to believe since my beauty is more powerful than any normal human being. This suit just really highlights my features. I'm the complete package. Hot, hot-headed, powerful, and I've got a glowing personality. Literally, glowing. That's lingo for Force-sensitive. But, come on, guys, I am human and my real name is…..well, never mind. Let's just say I went into the Witness Protection Program and I can't divulge my real name.
4/ Can you people stop saying that me and Mara Jade are dating? You guys shouldn't even know who she is, let alone what her romantic life consists of! And it definitely doesn't involve me. She's like twenty-two and I'm old enough to be her...son! Yeah, I'm so young, she could be my mom! Now I think I'm making this awkward, but who cares? I'm Darth Vader, and you guys can't do anything about my suspected social awkwardness.
5/ Recently, I went to go see a psychic about my future, since every single Jedi I talk to says that I'm going to die a good guy again. So this psychic guy (who had a strange addiction to pineapple and wouldn't stop texting his sidekick and his girlfriend) told me that I've got two kids and one of them is going to kill both the Emperor and me. But at the same time he's gonna save me. And I was like, uh, how can he save me if he kills me? And he was like, how am I supposed to know? And I was like, well you're the psychic. And he was like, late for a date, that'll be fifty thousand dollars. So, long story short, I stole his motorcycle. But anyway, I don't think you loyal subjects have to worry about losing your poster Sith any time soon. And as for you Rebellion kids, stick that in your Jawa Juice Box and suck it! Who even believes in psychics anyway? Not me…
There ya go, you silly Imperials! Five rumors that have been all cleared up! Now maybe you guys will send me some fan mail, like any true celebrity deserves. And, hey, Mom, stop sending me hate mail!
This is Darth Vader signing off, have a great night or day or whatever time period your planet is currently in. For those of you who read my blog, "iVader", my computer is down so I won't be blogging for a while. But my movie recommendation for the week is The Senator's Speech. Very sad, but very good. I cried. I mean….never mind, Darth Vader is out! War! Get it? Instead of peace? Cuz I'm a Sith? Oh, forget it!