Invader Zim, its concepts and personalities are copyrighted by Nickelodeon/Viacom. I, BioKraze, own nothing save the original plot of this fanfiction.
Zim keyed the main transmission screen above the couch to call the Massive. Unbeknownst to the Irken Invader, his human rival had planted another spy bug in the base when last he infiltrated the lower levels. While his primary mission was a failure, Dib did succeed in keeping the monitoring device a secret from Zim. The Invader was calling in to report on his latest plan to bring mankind to its knees, but the shock that he was to receive from the Almighty Tallest was going to rock his world in a very unsatisfactory manner...
The transmission went through, despite all of Red and Purple's attempts to block Zim's signals. Staring irritably at the short alien, the twin kings of the Irken Empire mentally counted to ten, preparing for the idiotic report they were sure to receive from Zim.
Red went first, as he often did. "What is it now, Zim?" His eyes were sharp and angry and, if they were lasers, would have fried the Invader aeons ago. For now, though, they would humour Zim with his constant barrage of reports. When he got annoying enough, they would put their feet down.
"My Tallest, I have initiated phase one of my latest, most diabolical plan to destroy the humans! By using plasma armed weasels, I intend to--" Zim was cut off by laughter. Not his own, not GIR's, not even the Computer's. This was not the laughter of joy. No, this was the laughter of incredulity.
Purple's laughter.
The violet eyed Tallest laughed violently and mockingly, tears streaming from his eyes. "P-p-plasma armed w-w-weasels! That's the stupidest thing I've heard from you yet, Zim!" Unable to control his laughter, Purple collapsed in his seat, sobbing uncontrollably with tears of mirth.
Back in Dib's room, the paranormal enthusiast watched the scene with quite a bit of surprise. He had expected Zim's leaders to at least commend him on his efforts, perhaps even give him some pointers to help him along, but simply trashing the Invader's work? That was sheer insanity...and Dib certainly knew what insanity looked like.
Purple, millions of parsecs away from Earth and all its works, finally got himself under control. He turned to Red and, nodding, began what seemed to Zim to be a carefully prepared speech with an audience of one: him. What they said next shattered the dream state in which Zim lived.
"Zim, you're not an Invader. You're a mere drone that thinks highly of himself." Purple started the speech off. "We didn't intend for you to land on any planet. We hoped you would fly in circles until you died in that Voot Cruiser of yours!"
Red picked up from where Purple left off. "You've been a threat to the Empire with every action of yours! You ruined the homeworld, destroyed the chances of countless Irkens to become the Elite, crushed the hopes of others, and even managed to fry three invaluable Control Brains with your sheer stupidity!
"Zim, we spent many nights coming up with your new orders, and they're only orders because you're too stupid to realise that you've been banished! Purple, tell our dear ex-Invader the orders we've drawn up for him!" Red snickered at Zim's falling face, while his co-Tallest cleared his throat and brought out his electronic notepad.
"Order number one, Zim: You are to remain on Earth or in its orbit at all times. Do not leave the planet for any reason. Order number two: You are to stop any and all efforts, plans and ideas of conquest of the Earth. We don't even want you thinking of planning to destroy the humans. Order number three: Your transmission signal will be blocked unless you are going to self destruct, rip your Pak off, distend your squeedlyspooch or ram a dull and germy knife into your air filled brain before our eyes. In short, don't bother calling until you're good and ready to kill yourself.
"Order number four and final: Don't bother calling an Irken held planet as well. Don't bother relying on help from other alien races. If we catch you using your SIR Unit to do your dirty work, we'll send an assassin right out to collect your head for our trophy room." Purple leered nastily at Zim as Red grinned and spoke his own.
"D'ya hear that, Zim? We hate you. We all hate you! We want you to never interfere with the Irken Empire and its missions for as long as you survive on that dirtball of a planet. Zim, you are officially no longer a member of the Irken Empire or the Irken race! We hope you enjoy your new mission of misery, little harazaki..." As the twin lords of the Alien empire laughed cruelly, the transmission screen cut off, leaving Zim staring at a black screen and Dib shocked out of his mind...
After a long while, Zim finally spoke to the empty screen. "Harazaki...you called me a harazaki..." His eyes began to tear up in misery. "I'm not even an ex-Invader...
"I'm an ex-Irken..."
From his room in the house some three or four blocks away, Dib gaped in awe and a small but quickly growing bit of righteous fury...