She just had to keep herself together a little bit longer. Keeping an emotionless mask was nothing new to Shepard; it was almost instinct, almost second nature. The stubborn set of her jaw and the soft glowing of the scars that marred her face was more than enough to hide up even the smallest hint of sadness, of pain. Most of the time, it just made her look pissed off.
Shepard kept her focus on where she was going, steeling herself against the thoughts and memories that threatened to drown her in their depths. She had dealt with this before; Akuze. Watching everyone around her die, while she clung to life, determinded to live. She wanted to save the others, and god knows she tried. She screamed until she was hoarse, kept firing until she was out of ammo, only to resort to her biotics. She had kept going until she couldn't move, couldn't speak, could barely think. She'd been a human shell of silence, pain, and regret.
Stepping onto the bridge, Shepard barely acknowledged the sound of Joker greeting her, continuing her way towards the elevator. Traynor's greeting soon reached her ears, and Shepard could only nod in her direction as she passed and reached the elevator.
The doors closed infront of her, and she released a long breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding. There. Now you can just break down. No one is around. Her mind urged, but Shepard gritted her teeth and clenched her fists.
Entering her cabin, Shepard stopped just inside, the doors closing behind her with a soft hiss. She was stronger than this.
Thane wouldn't want her to grieve for him; she had a duty to do. For god's sake,hehad accepted his death, he knew it was coming one way or another. Shoulders tensing, Shepard inhaled a sharp breath.
How dare he. How dare he leave her. Maybe it was selfish of her, but she couldn't help her thoughts. He was supposed to fight; he had reasons to live now. His son. Her.
Clenching her right hand, Shepard brought it back and then forwards with as much force as she could muster, her fist making contact with the wall beside her. At first, she felt nothing, then the pain rippled up through her hand and arm. Pulling her arm back, Shepard stumbled away, her vision blurry. She only made it several steps before her legs gave out on her.
Shepard braced herself, but the pain in her right arm prevented her from cushioning her fall, and she simply rolled to her right side on the floor.
"Do not fear for me, Siha."
Cradling her arm, Shepard didn't bother to acknowledge that her knuckles had split and were bleeding.
"I have asked Kalahira for forgiveness."
His voice was something she wanted to hear, but at the same time, she didn't want to hear it. It just reminded her of what she had lost, of what she had failed to protect. Why hadn't she done something during his fight with the other assassin? He was sick, he was dying.
She hadn't moved from where she had stood watching, with pride, as her lover took on the man intent on taking down the salarian councilor. There was no way that Thane would loose; he had no match when it came to kicking ass, or as he would say,"Killing is an art, and I am a master."
And then, time had stopped. The glint of the assassin's sword, and then she realized it had struck Thane right through."Thane!" She had gasped as he fell to the ground. She had raised her gun and fired at the assassin not even two seconds later, running after him down the steps. The coward thought to run after hurting Thane? The son of a bitch was going to pay.
"I have time. Catch him."
She should have never left him after that. It had torn her apart to continue on, knowing he was hurt that bad, but she could only hope that Bailey would get him help and that he would hold on for her.
"Time for me is short, Siha..."
A soft wail slipped from her lips a moment later, and Shepard's body convoulsed with a shudder as she fought the violent need to cry. To grieve. She shouldn't.
"But any I have is yours to take."
She gave up trying to stop her tears, her body protesting against her feeble attempts to not accept Thane's death.
He was gone. He was never coming back. She was alone. There was no one else she could hold onto. She had failed her parents, failed her team on Akuze, and now, she had failed Thane. She hadn't saved him. Hadn't tried.
Gasping for air, Shepard could hear the rushing of blood in her ears, the quickened heartbeat in her chest. Another sob broke loose, and she squeezed her eyes shut.
Was this a sign that she was going to fail Earth? Fail those millions of people that were holding out hope she would come to rescue them? Not to mention the other races; the Turians, the Quarians, the Geth, the Asari, the Salarians. So much was riding on her shoulders.
Her friends, her squadmates. Would she fail to keep them safe? The assassin was still on the loose. What was stopping him from coming back? Taking down her team? He had taken her lover, who would be next?
Maybe her. For a moment, her heart fluttered. If he killed her, she could join Thane. She could be with him again.
No, that would doom Earth. Doom everyone. This war was surely lost without her, and she'd be damn if some Cerberus lackey was going to take her out.
The son of a bitch was going to pay for what he had done to Thane.
She was going to see to it personally.
"I will await you across the sea."
She would see him again, in time.