Pirates of the Caribbean: Gone Rum
A/N: For anyone who wonders what this whole "rum" thing is about, it has nothing to do with actual rum (however fitting it may seem). It comes from a passage in C.S. Lewis' The Horse and His Boy, where the horse says to the boy, "What rum creatures you humans are!" Yup. Remember, we're not intentionally this crazy and random... it's just that when you try to write a covered round robin, it rarely turns out to be coherent. Anyway, enjoy the brilliance that is randomness!
"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates' life for me," sang Will, hopping and glomping in Barbossa's stolen boots.
"Will? Will, where are you?!" squealed Elizabeth fiendishly, as she came through the door. "Oh, there you are."
"Waaaaaaaaaa!" shrieked Will, running away. "That Indian is after me!" Now Will was pretty smart, but apparently he had problems distinguishing Native American warriors from his betrothed. So, wanting to protect his scalp, he decided to pretend he was an Indian.
"I am Tisquantum, of the Potuxit tribe," he said.
The pursuing Indians halted (and now Will's bizarre fantasies are coming to life). "I am Sesamong of the Narragansett tribe," one said. "And this is my brother Epinow."
"Was Epinow a circus freak?" asked Mr. Gibbs, appearing suddenly and randomly.
"Noooo!" replied Will in a fury. "If he was a clown, I would be screaming right now. Clowns scare me."
"Well, then," said Jack, also randomly appearing. "I regret to inform you that... well, just look behind you."
Will turned and saw a horde of fanged clowns lolloping toward him across the beach. "This is completely mad!" he cried, screaming in a manner suggesting the presence of helium. He ran into the sea, trying to lose the clowns.
"I yi yi!" said Will. "Brandy, I need a Brandy!" He ran through Constantinople as it was crumbling, trying to find a Brandy, or at least a Bahama Mama.
"No!" he cried. "The Roman empire will never fall!" He tried to hold up two toppling pillars, but...
"What are you talking about?" asked Jack.
"Um... Regis Philbin is, like, so sexy," she answered.
"You like that ol' man, do ya?" inquired Jack.
"Yeah," replied Elizabeth. "I also have feelings for Brad Pitt."
"You mean Brad Pitt's Pitts," corrected Jack.
"No," said Tisquantum sarcastically. "She meant you."
"Argghh!" roared Captain Barbossa, desperately vying for his allotted story presence. "Ye got me leg! Ahhh! Somebody shot me in the eye with an arrow!"
"He-he-he!" laughed Legolas, bouncing into the Caribbean from a portal. "He-he-ha-ha-har!" Legolas laughed so hard that he momentarily lost his elven balance and, tripping on a loose stone, rolled down the heretofore unmentioned mountain. He landed on top of Charlie (from Lost, who is now, apparently, dearly departed) and Aragorn, who were doing their best impression of a waltz (why they were attempting to waltz on a mountainside is beyond me).
"Tisk, tisk!" said Legolas, brushing himself off. He watched with growing scorn. "Next thing you know, they'll be dancing the Flamenco."
Suddenly, Gimli belched a very big one. Then he belched again, only this time it came out the other end. Legolas ran to the West, Aragorn ran to the South, Charlie ran to the North, and Gimli ran to the East. As the dwarf sprinted due east, he was hit by a random, anachronistic Volkswagen hippie van.
"Dude... what was that?"
Finis