Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine. All rights go to Michael Patrick King and Whitney Cummings! Also I don't own Miller Lite.
2 broke girls And the Speed Beer
"You'll never guess what I got today," Caroline grinned walking into the apartment with a box. She sat it down carefully on the floor and used her leg to shut the door.
"Candy!"
"No, Max. Something important."
"Oh, condoms!"
"Do you remember the shop we passed at the mall with those gorgeous Manolo Blahnik Carolyne black pumps and I was like, 'Oh my, I want those' and you were all like, 'Bitch, with what money'?"
"Of course I remember, Caroline," Max rolled her eyes as she continued to mix the batter. "It was yesterday. I don't have Alzheimer's."
Caroline shook her head as she gently opened the package to reveal them. When she held the shoes up her eyes sparkled.
"These!"
"Bitch, with what money!" Max demanded.
She dropped the whisk and crossed over to the couch. Sitting down, she eagerly awaited to hear the story.
"You'll never guess but I was walking around the mall, strictly, just for browsing purposes, when I realized I dropped something in the parking lot. Then on my way out this kid started crying because his ice cream cone fell on the floor so naturally, being the nice and generous person I am, I offered to pay for him to get a new one and…"
The brunette groaned as she looked down at her wrist as if there was a watch there.
"I have this thing called a life so if you could just move this along I would greatly appreciate it."
The smile not faltering from her face she continued with just as much enthusiasm as before.
"Anyway long story short I found an envelope in the parking lot with just enough money to buy the shoes!"
"Well that story was a bust. Someone could have at least fell into the fountain."
Max got back up and went to the kitchen to continue the cupcakes. Caroline was left there bewildered. Not the reaction she was expecting.
"Close your mouth, Caroline. You'll catch flies."
"Oh, I get it. You need the full effect."
The blonde threw her old shoes in the garbage to put her brand new pumps on. She strutted around the apartment and then finished with a pose.
"How about now?"
Max looked up from mixing to look at her.
"Oh, hey Caroline. When did you get here?"
…...
"We have a serious issue!" Han announced coming out of his office. "I can't find my step stool and I know Max took it."
"Han, the only thing I have taken from you is your dignity," Max replied while pretending to clean the serving window.
"That's it," Han shook his head. "From now on no more wisecracks at the boss."
Caroline came out of the kitchen holding a customer's order and a bottle of champagne.
"Han, Oleg said he found your penis," the blonde nodded.
"Apparently it's smaller than a tootsie roll."
Oleg peeked out of the serving window and hit the bell.
"Pick up, roast beef sandwiches!" he called in his tick Ukrainian accent.
Max went over to pick them up for table four. She pulled out a toothpick from the top of the sandwich and help it up. "Are you sure this isn't Han's penis?"
"No respect!" Han scowled. "She was so much nicer in the interview," he mumbled retreating back to what he called the "Max free zone".
"Hey everybody!" Sophie greeted coming into the diner in a long purple dress with new matching heels. "Max, your rich boy toy just bought me new shoes!"
Deke walked in with a bunch of bags right behind her.
"I got gifts for everyone!" he stated. "You get a pair of shoes, you get a pair of shoes! I feel like fucking Oprah!"
"I'll be in my booth!" the polish woman announced as Deke started distributing gifts. When he got to Max he lightly kissed her on the cheek.
"And for you," he started digging into the bag and dramatically pulled out a red box. "Fancy ass chocolates from Peru!"
"See this is what I want," Caroline whined coming out of the kitchen. "I want a boyfriend who will buy me illegal fancy ass Persian chocolates."
"Well, if you want a boyfriend why do you act the way that you do?" Sophie asked.
Oleg peeked out of the window and hit the bell again to catch everyone's attention.
"My cousin Vanko did the speed date method to find his wife," Oleg said. "She's a hooker and has like eight other husbands but love is love."
"That's a great idea, Oleg! Max will set up a speed date for me," Caroline beamed.
"The hell she is not," the brunette shook her head. "I'm going back to Dekes' place so he can fish in my pond. If you catch my bait."
"Come on, Max. You guys can have silly sex any old time. This might be my only chance," Caroline begged.
"Absolutely not."
"The faster I find love, the faster I move out of your apartment," she added.
"Why the hell are we still here?" Max exclaimed grabbing her roommates' arm. "We got to go find you a lover."
"I guess I'll just be here then!" Deke called to Max as she rushed out the door with Caroline and her chocolate. "You know with my penis!"
….
"Cupcakes! Get your Max's Homemade Cupcakes!" Sophie called out the window.
"Sophie, nobody is crazy enough to want a cupcake at one thirty in the morning," Oleg said sitting in the corner.
He looked over at her and saw she was stuffing her face with cupcakes. "What?"
"We've been here for three hours and the only person that has been eating cupcakes is you."
"What?" she asked again still eating cupcakes.
"Not counting the one the rat took."
"How about we go in the back and do it on the ham like we did last Tuesday," Sophie suggested.
"We already did that an hour ago."
Just at that moment a red haired couple came up to the window holding hands.
"Do you sell beer?" the woman asked sounding as if she already had some.
"No, we sell cakes in cup form," Sophie smiled going up to the window with a tray of cupcakes.
"Oh, ok."
There was a brief pause before someone spoke again.
"Do you sell beer?" the man asked warily.
"No, we sell cupcakes," Sophie repeated.
"That's so great!" he nodded drunkenly pulling out his wallet. "I'll take a Miller Lite."
"Are you freaking kidding me!" the blonde blurted out.
Oleg motioned for Sophie to step aside as he went up to the couple with a box. He took out two cans of beer.
"That will be sixty dollars," Oleg said holding out his hand.
"That is a great deal," the red haired woman agreed. "Give him the money, Geoff."
"Don't rush me, Ellen!"
Sophie and Oleg looked at each other and shrugged before they took the money while watching them leave.
"Forget the stupid cupcakes lets sell beer!" she exclaimed holding up a can.
"Way ahead of you, baby," Oleg said carrying three more boxes over to the counter.
…
"Ok, the potential suitors are in the hall," Max said running up to Deke. "I'll bring them in one at a time."
"Awesome," he nodded. "When are we having sex?"
"When Caroline finds a husband."
The first man walked in with confidence. Like he would be the first and last person to be there today.
"Hello, Danny," Caroline smiled professionally at the other end of the table. "You listed your hobbies as finding a job?"
"Well, right now I'm unemployed…"
"Thank you for your time. Next!" Caroline called.
Deke got out of his chair to led Danny out while Max queued in the next guy.
"Hi, Matthew," the blonde smiled.
"First, I just want to say how honored I am to even be in the same room as you," he said.
"Aw, thanks. So would you, say, jump in front on a car to protect me?"
"Absolutely," Matthew nodded. "Once I blew up a Chipotle for my girlfriend Connie. Then we had to travel all the way to New York for twelve weeks so the cops couldn't find us."
"So I'm guessing you have a criminal record?"
"Is that a problem?"
"Of course not," she chuckled nervously. "Next!"
Deke got up once again to escort the gentleman out of the apartment while Max brought in the next guy.
"What did I do wrong?" Matthew asked.
"Everything," Deke answered leading him to the door.
"Can I go out with her?" he asked pointing to Max.
"No you cannot," Deke said quickly shaking his head.
"Why?"
"She's a lesbian. Now leave!" Deke exclaimed as Matthew ran down the hall. "That's right you better run!"
"Henry is it?" Caroline asked.
"Yes, Wharton grad."
"No way, me too!"
"I studied for law. One would say I'm married to it," Henry joked and then the biggest turn off in the world happened; he snorted.
Caroline cringed a little inside but still decided to give him a chance.
"It also says you were once on Jeopardy," she said impressed as she looked down at the form she made everyone fill out before they came in.
"It was wonderful. I won a total of twenty thousand dollars," Henry laughed as he snorted, again.
Caroline cringed again then sighed.
"Next!"
About thirty men later Caroline still hadn't found one love interest. The blonde fell asleep on the table while Max and Deke were passed out on the floor.
"That was painful," Max declared.
"And we're not even done," Deke pointed out.
"Maybe the psychic was right," Caroline cried. "I'm going to die alone."
"Grim reaper take me now!" Max screamed up to the celling as her roommate continued to cry.
"Or we leave Paris Hilton over there and go have sex," he winked suggestively.
"No one has sex until Caroline finds love."
"So never?"
…
"Look at all this cash," Oleg said counting it in the booth.
"Imagine all the marijuana we could get with that," Earl smiled looking over at the money.
"Or I could close this dump down and open an ice cream parlor!" Han exclaimed.
"We should go to Vegas!"
"How about we write down our ideas, put them in a hat, and choose at random?" Oleg suggested.
They all wrote down there ideas and put them in a hat. Just as they were about to choose Deke barged into the diner.
"Anybody seen Max?"
"Can't you see we're hat picking here?" Sophie asked aggressively.
Deke put up his hands in defense as he went to sit down in Sophie's booth.
"Alright the winner is," Oleg started opening up the paper. "Weed!"
"Weed!" Earl cheered.
"Weed?" Deke asked sitting up. "Max will be fine without me…"
…
"Where the hell is Deke," Max exclaimed as she told the next boy to go in. "How dare he leave me alone with Paris Hilton."
"You talk to yourself to?" a guy asked in the back covered in tattoos. "I thought I was the only one."
"Well, sometimes I need expert advice. Can only ask the best, right?" Max replied.
"That's rad," he smirked.
"Come up to the front," she waved. "Caroline will love you."
"That's so dope," he said pushing through the line.
"Are you employed?"
"I own a tattoo parlor," he said gesturing to his arms. "Free tats, man"
"Next!" Caroline bellowed as Max nodded for him to go in and the rejected boy walked out with his head hung low.
"Knock her dead, man."
Deke walked up to Max grinned.
"Where have you been?"
"I have been…smoking weed with everyone at the diner," he confessed. "I'm not proud of it but it was really great weed."
"How dare you smoke weed," Max exclaimed. "Without me. Let's go."
"What about the speed date?"
Max sighed while rolling her eyes. She went over to the line of men.
"Alright listen up!" she yelled. "When Caroline screams 'next' let yourselves in one at a time. Also try not to kill anyone. Deke and I are going to…"
"Do very important work for the government," Deke finished.
"Yeah…that."
…
"So then I told the rabbit," Sophie started as Max and Deke walked in. "Get your own damn carrots! I'm not your maid, baby!"
They were all in Sophie's booth smoking and telling stories apparently. Except for Earl who passed out in the corner.
"Where is Han?" Deke asked.
"Probably dancing with the oompa loompas," Max quipped.
"We locked him in the walk in freezer," Oleg answered.
"Why?"
"I don't remember…" Sophie frowned looking off to the side.
Deke went to go get Han while Max went over to Earl to make sure he still had a pulse.
"Where did you guys get all this money?" Max asked picking up the wad of bills in front of them.
"From the cupcake window," the couple said simultaneously.
"You made all of this from my cupcakes?"
"Yeah…" Sophie trailed off.
"Sure…"
Just then a soaking wet Caroline came in wearing a scowl upon her face that would put Kristen Stewart to shame.
"Well I'm going to go help Deke with Han," Max said quickly dashing into the kitchen.
"How dare they just leave me there all by myself with…?" Caroline stopped short when her eyes laid on the cash. "How'd you guys get all this money?"
"From your cupcake window," Sophie smiled proudly.
"I can't believe all these people wanted cupcakes!" Caroline cheered.
"Yeah," Sophie chuckled.
"I've never been so embarrassed in my entire life!" Han exclaimed coming out of the kitchen.
"Yes you have," Max smirked.
"So, Caroline," Earl smiled walking up to the girls. "Did you ever find love?"
"No, but I'm going to keep looking," Caroline beamed.
"Why?" Sophie asked. "You don't have much time left. I mean, you're like what? Forty-five?"
"I'm only thirty," Caroline said offended.
"You are?" Sophie gasped.
"Come on, Sophie. Caroline doesn't look forty-five," Max shook her head.
"Thank you."
"She looks more forty-eight, forty-nine."
"Unbelievable!"
Total: $4,000