Gimli's Predicament
A True Story by Saraman; 2002
This story takes place after the Fellowship had escaped over the bridge of Khazad-Dûm and lost their leader, Gandalf. After leaving the mines, they set out for the forest of Lothlórien. They were walking through the woods when suddenly, Gimli, who had had beans that morning, let off a big one. The others stared at him in shock and surprise.
"Why did you do that, Gimli?" asked Boromir.
"What is wrong with you?" snapped Gimli. "You feed a Dwarf beans, you know what happens."
The Company nodded their heads and continued through the woods.
A short time later, Gimli did it again. This time, the others only looked at him, and did not question him. They walked deeper into the forest. Then, unexpectedly, Gimli let one off so loud the other's ears were left ringing.
"Uh oh," said Gimli, "I believe I have pooed my pants."
The rest of the Fellowship rolled their eyes at him. And being a Dwarf, who was almost never prepared for a situation like this, he did not pack any extra underpants.
"Well," said Gimli, "does anyone want to let me borrow some underpants?"
No one spoke. Then Pippin said, "Why don't you just wash them? We will wait for you."
"Me, wash them?" said Gimli. "That's women's work! The idea of me washing them! Humph!" He said this because he was actually quite lazy when it came to washing clothes, and wished only to borrow some from one of the others.
"So – who will loan me some underpants?" he asked again. No reply. "All right, if that's the way you want it!" Gimli growled. He stepped casually over to Boromir and casually walked behind him. Then Gimli not so casually grabbed Boromir's underpants and yanked with all his might.
This was followed by him being smacked in the mug by Boromir.
"I will kick your dwarf rear if you so much as lay a finger on my underpants again!" said Boromir, quite perturbed. Gimli, feeling a bit stunned, quickly gave up on him and walked over to Aragorn. He tried to steal his underpants, but was thrown halfway to Lothlórien. Gimli, who was not one to give up once he had his mind set, strolled up behind Legolas and tried to do the same thing. Legolas, without even turning around, swung his right arm round and answered with a sound fist in Gimli's face.
"No elf wedgies allowed!" said Legolas, very annoyed. Gimli was, of course, dazed but he got back up and strode angrily over to the hobbits. Merry, Pippin, and Frodo dove in a hole in the ground, but Sam was too fat and could not fit. So he did the most natural thing. He ran. Gimli, of course, was in hot pursuit and gaining on him fast. Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas were rolling on the ground laughing hysterically. Gimli soon caught Sam, stole his underpants, and attempted to put them on. Sam mumbled to himself, "At least I have an extra pair."
Meanwhile, Gimli was not having much success at putting on Sam's underpants. He forced them on but they split at the seams with a horrid ripping sound. Gimli was quite embarrassed. He started to say, "They must have shrunk," when the Company was suddenly attacked by fearsome Orcs. The hobbits quietly stayed in their hole, and Sam tried to climb a tree. Boromir went after a particularly bellicose orc and Aragorn fought off the one that was going after Sam. Legolas shot one through the throat and whipped out his knife to finish him off. It was Gimli, though, who saved the day. He picked up his soiled underpants, went right up to the Orc leader, and tossed them on his head. The leader yelled and waved his arms wildly and even though he spoke in the evil, twisted Orc language, Legolas thought he could understand the word "retreat!" It must have been so because soon, the Orcs all fell back into the woods and were never seen outside of that forest again. Sam had somehow made it into one of the lower branches of the tree, and one by one, the hobbits came out of hiding. They decided to spend the night there, though not on the ground.
They would sleep up in the trees. Legolas scouted for suitable ones. He found a fair tree and began to climb it, but dropped back down when he heard voices speaking Elvish and laughter coming from the treetop. He spoke to the voices in his own tongue, and soon found out that there were three Elves keeping watch at the top of the tree. Legolas climbed up a rope ladder that the Elves let down and negotiated with them. The Company would spend the night in flets up in two different trees, and the next morning, the Elves of whom the only one who spoke the common language was Haldir, would lead them on to Lothlórien. After fifteen minutes of waiting, Gimli became impatient and decided that he would climb up the ladder to see what was taking so long. What he did not know was that Legolas was going to practice his surfing at that moment. Legolas borrowed one of the Elves' shields and standing on it, surfed down the rope ladder. He accidentally mowed Gimli down and landed on top of him at the bottom.
Gimli did not forgive Legolas for that for many a year. During the night, the band of Orcs was destroyed by the Elves and Gimli fell out of the tree onto his nose. The next morning, the Fellowship followed the elf, Haldir, and his brothers, Orophin and Rumil, to Lothlórien. The Elves never told Gimli that they had witnessed the whole affair about the underpants and that it was the reason they had been laughing up in the tree when they first met Legolas.
These events were not recorded in the books so as not to embarrass Gimli too badly.
Finis