Christmas Critique

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The poem is Sonnet 130 by William Shakespeare.

A/N: Okay, so apparently Carmilla and Severus have great chemistry. If you have never seen Sense and Sensibility, Alan Rickman recites Sonnet 130 during the movie. That would be why I chose this particular poem. Enjoy and Merry belated Christmas :D

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"My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;"

"Of course they're nothing like the sun. I'm a vampire for Merlin's sake. Most vampires just go POOF! Instant ashes. I'm lucky I have so many endowments or I would too! And what is that supposed to mean anyways? Are my eyes supposed to be yellow or orange or red? Or maybe give off solar flares? Ridiculous."

"Coral is far more red than her lips' red;"

"Unless I have just happened to finish a kill. Then they're red alright. Or if I have the right shade of lip-stick. Now with the Mirror of Erised I can find just the right fit. Albus actually did something right for once."

"If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;"

"Now that is extremely offensive. Yeah, that's so romantic, comparing my skin to dun. I'm a vampire, so I'm naturally pale. Next line please."

"If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head."

"Now that one's accurate. Before the Mirror, my hair might as well have been wires. It looked HORRIBLE. One point for Shakespeare I suppose."

"I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;"

"Okay, cancel that point. I do have white cheeks and red ones when I blush. Not that I blushed until I got my Touch back, but I do now. And they got red if I used too much rouge before then, which I suppose was quite often since I couldn't see my damn reflection. Or if I killed someone."

"And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks."

"Is my breath THAT bad? I reckon it smells bad after a feeding, but always? And do I REEK? A little over-the-top if you ask me. Way to be over-dramatic Shakespeare."

"I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;"

"The equivalent of one thousand endowments of Voice and still that isn't good enough? How high is this man's expectations?"

"I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:"

"It's called gravity, the Moron."

"And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare."

Snape raised an eyebrow, setting down the worn copy of William Shakespeare's Sonnet 130. Carmilla had just managed to tear apart one of Shakespeare's famous poems. Shakespeare was one of his favorite Muggle authors, and each of her comments was like a stab to the heart.

"Well, anything to say?" Snape snapped, staring at her. He rarely sneered at his girlfriend, but these were exceptional circumstances. "Any other sarcastic comments?"

"Merlin, he was good," Carmilla smiled. "I knew it the day I met him."

"What? You knew William Shakespeare?" Severus' jaw dropped. "Personally?"

"Who do you think he wrote that for?" Carmilla said, pointing to the sonnet. "I mean, the sun reference, the black hair, the white skin, the red lips…he couldn't be more obvious."

"Was he your…"

"I was his muse," Carmilla replied, stopping the wizard mid-sentence. "At least that's what he called me. I just called him Bill."

"Bill?" Snape snickered. "That sounds…horrible."

"It annoyed the crap out of him," Carmilla giggled. "I even have a copy of the sonnet signed 'Bill.' Wouldn't go for much now, but I don't mind. Besides, I didn't have Touch back then, so I didn't frankly care if he was irritated."

"But you have your Touch now."

Snape grinned slyly as he pulled out his wand and pointed it at the ceiling of his chambers. From between the cracks of the stone ceiling, roots and leaves started to grow. Carmilla looked up in amazement, getting off of her armchair as Severus did the same.

A little spring of mistletoe appeared above the pair's head.

"Merry Christmas Carmilla," Severus said, pressing his lips to hers.

Forget gravity, Carmilla thought as a tingling sensation coursed through her body. I'm flying.

END