A/N

Here is my second fanfic!

For those who are reading or have started to read my Embry fanfic, "Life is a Highway," this Leah's side of the story as promised. For those who have not read my other fanfic then that's ok, you really don't need to unless you want to.

This is a companion of sorts to "Life is a Highway," it will answer a lot of questions once you hit further chapters.

So, I don't own any of this, blah blah blah, Steph Meyers blah blah….

Ok! So here you go!

It had almost been three years. It had almost been three FUCKING years since I had phased and I was still alone, wallowing in my room, listening to Ani Defranco.

I heard the sound of your bike as your wheels hit the gravel,
Then your engine in the driveway cutting off
And I pushed through the screen door and I stood out on the porch
Thinking fight, fight, fight at all costs,
But instead I let you in, just like I've always done
And I sat you down and offered you a beer
And across the kitchen table I fired several rounds,
But you were still sitting here when the smoke cleared.
And you came crawling back to say that you wanna
Make good in the end and oh, oh,
Let me count the ways that I abhor you,
And you were never a good lay
And you were never a good friend
But, oh, oh, what else can I say... I adore you

This is the song I listened to the most after Sam left me. It said everything it needed to at the time. However, even though I no longer felt that way about Sam, it was the perfect angsty song to depict my eternal bitter state of mind.

Rain hit the windows and ceiling around my room in a heavy, steady rhythm. I could still hear it through my headphones as I got lost in the music. It was a pleasant and common back drop to all the music I listened to these days. Having the rain there was a reminder that it was all real, without it I would probably be deluded into thinking that all of this wasn't actually happening. I had those days every once and a while.

I would wake up and feel happy.

I would wake up believing that I was a normal 23 year old and my father was downstairs reading the morning paper. I could practically hear his heart beating and him taking a long sip of coffee after taking a bite of toast. These simple pleasures would make my heart feel light and free. Then, just as quickly as I felt this relief, though, my brain would come from upstairs and kick my heart's ass back down to the ground.

Luckily, my heart was already down for the count by the time I woke up this morning.

The day before had been the three year anniversary of my father's death. I was just starting to get out of the arresting stupor that this day always got me in. It seemed to get a little better each year. When my dad died, I was immobile and unresponsive for one week, depressed for another week, and then pissed beyond belief (that's when I phased for the first time). Now I was a vegetable for the whole day, depressed for one, but generally pissed all of the time anyways.

Another thing I loved about being in Jake's pack, he let me have this day off. Sam, being the royal, butt munching douche he was, always made me patrol on days he knew I'd be mourning my father. Those would be days like my dad's birthday, father's day, or my parent's anniversary. Sam thought it would be best if I got out and lived on days like these. Of course, he wouldn't be patrolling with me so he would be sentencing one of the other pack members to have to deal with my crippling depression and terribly volatile mood. Sometimes I felt like he would use patrolling with me just in general as a reprimand. It was more like capital punishment on these special days, though.

Luckily, I was out of Sam's pack for good, so today was the day of patrolling again. I still had several more hours until I had to head out. It was about noon but I wasn't told to get wolfy until around 5 pm that night.

Guarding the perimeter had been pretty easy lately. He usually had one of us do it at a time and basically whenever we wanted to. The others did it to keep in shape and immortal. I could care less about immortality. But it was either having the ability to blow off steam and kick vampire ass or stay home and become a spinster with too many cats. I hate cats, naturally, but you get my point.

Since those Italian vamps had left over a couple years ago, there were no other threats. The only bloodsuckers that went through the area around Forks were the Cullens and any of their friends which we were warned about very far in advance.

I hadn't torn into a leech since the newborn attack; therefore I had all this pent up anger and frustration bubbling just below the surface most of the time. The only way to keep it at bay would be patrolling or listening to music like I was now. Even with all these preventative measures, I was still in a foul mood all of the time. Leaving Sam's pack was wonderful, sure. However, I was always crushed by the feeling that I wasn't doing anything with my life.

I thought it was ironic that all my pack brothers thought my bitchy attitude was the result of still being madly in love with Sam. That was not the case at all.

I was irrevocably over Sam. That didn't mean it wasn't a sore subject, though. It wasn't so much that I still wanted to be with him. I knew very well that even if he all of a sudden did a 180, wanted to take me back, and I accepted, it would never be the same. It never could be. What killed me and tore at my heart strings when it would be brought up was the nostalgia of it all. I didn't want Sam back. I wanted back the feeling he once brought me. I wanted to be seventeen and in love again.

For a good chunk of my life, I would wake up every morning and wonder how my life could get any better. Every day would show me what a fantastic life I had and it would keep getting better.

When Sam left me, I would wake up every morning and wonder how my life could get any worse. My life was and continued to be a shit hole in which every day got a hell of a lot worse. My father died, I turned into a wolf, and my biological clock came to an early demise.

I winced at the thought. That was another very painful subject. But it seemed to make most of the boys think I was baby crazy.

Truthfully, I didn't always love children. They were messy, loud, obnoxious, annoying, and expensive. Then there were times Claire would cling to me in an adorable way or some baby with their mother would smile at me. Those were the moments I was highly aware that I could not have children. It wasn't like I ever had grand plans to have ten children but I still didn't welcome having the choice taken away from me.

Also, I turned into a giant wolf along with almost twenty other MEN in our tribe. I was the odd woman out. The fact that I couldn't reproduce made me feel like I was less of a woman. That contributed to my decreasing care in my looks.

When I was younger I would get up, take a shower, put product in my hair, wash my face, put on body lotion, blow dry my hair, and spray myself with perfume. I had everyone's head turning in high school. Now, it was a miracle if I even brushed my hair. It was a rats nest most of the time and you could tell if had seen a brush recently if I actually put it down.

The song switched to Float On by Modest Mouse. I found this song perfect because the lyrics were somehow optimistic but it was fairly depressing. I stared at the ceiling and let the notes pass through me. I felt like their message was spot on. Most songs that talk about moving on are so happy and tell you to 'keep going no matter what!' However, this was about a guy who had basically shitty things happen to him but he just kept going and not because he was looking at a silver lining or anything, he just did. That's how I felt about life, especially now. Everyone made a big stink about my foul mood and all I could think was; well I'm still living, aren't I? The way I figure it; I was just going to keep living life, not in extreme joy or optimism. Just being was the only thing I could hope for right now. Fate had screwed me over so many times that I didn't expect anything just in case it decided to rear its ugly head in my direction again.

My eyelids fluttered to a close. My mind felt like a calm sea right before the storm. It lulled back and forth, crashing against the rocks to the rhythm of my music. I had fallen back asleep before I knew it.

For the first time in a very long time, I actually had a dream.

My bare feet made audible crunching noises among the ferns, twigs, and leaves. I was in the green covered forest, somewhere in La Push. I lazily stroked my fingers across the moss that clung to each tree like a fur coat. Slowly but surely, I made my way to a river in a clearing. My ears had picked up the slapping of water against the rocks a while back but I basically happened upon it unintentionally.

When I came to the edge, it looked a lot smoother and shallower than I had first thought. I still didn't dare go in, though. As a child I always had a fear of drowning, one I had mastered but still held.

Catching my eye on the other side of the river, I saw something rustle amongst the ferns and trees. This would usually freak me out but it made me curious. I had a feeling that whatever was on the other side was something I was looking for. I just had no idea what it was.

I made my way into the water, clothes and all, into the river. This is when I noticed that I was wearing a long, flowing white dress. It swayed in the current and clung to my body as I got deeper. I waded to about the center and was pleased at how shallow it was. The bottom was probably a foot beneath me. I stayed there a while, savoring the cool water against my scorching skin. I suddenly noticed a shadow appear next to me in the water. I thought that is came from beneath the surface but then I figure it was actually a mirror image of someone.

I had had a similar dream before where I would be looking into a pond and see my father's smiling reflection in the water. I would look back and he wouldn't be there. Then I would dive in the water to try to find him within it. I would swim and swim to the bottom. I always woke up right before I drowned.

Therefore, I thought that the likeness in this river was that of my father's but this person was a lot taller and leaner. I don't know why I didn't turn around to look because I heard his footfalls coming closer. The image got larger and I was able to make out more of the man in the water. I squinted my eyes and right as I could discern who it was, I was woken up abruptly.

"LEAH! LEEEEEEEEEEE!" yelled Seth after he pulled off my head phones. My eyes popped open and I growled at my little brother. I clenched my fists and sat up to confront him.

"For God's sake, Seth! I'm right here AND you took out my headphones, I can fucking hear you!" I said as I opened my hand and gave him a needed palm slap at the side of his head. He jerked back a little after impact but he was smiling as always. Having an awful sister like me never changed his sickening optimism.

"Well, Jake howled for us and you couldn't hear that or me calling for you through the headphones. So, you're awake now, let's go, Beta!" He tugged my arm to get me out of the bed and I had an instinct to bite him. I shook his grip off of me and looked to the clock, it read 3:03 pm. I rolled my eyes.

"Ok, Seth, let's see what Alpha Jakey wants" I said with an aggravated huff as Seth made his way out of my room and I tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

I hung my legs over my bed, stretched out my back, and hunched over, closing my eyes. Taking a long breath, I used my hands to propel myself from my bed and I headed out of my room.

I'm really hoping that was enough to keep you interested and even possibly get you to read my other fanfic if you haven't already.

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