You Learn To Live Without
AN: Hello:) This is my first Wicked Fanfiction and I'm kinda scared of posting it but I just have to.
Currently I'm addicted to the If/Then (and all kind of Idina Menzel :D) soundtrack after I had the immense luck to see the musical! So then I was a little sad and listened to You Learn To Live without and thought "This would make a nice sad Fiyeraba FF" and just started writing.
I hope you like it!
Enjoys
Disclaimer: I do not own Wicked or If/Then or any of the songs or characters or storylines!
You learn to order dinner in
You learn to send the laundry out
You learn how to amuse yourself
You learn to live without
„I love you, Momma", three-year old Kihla whispered to her mother.
„I love you, too, pumpkin", Elphaba whispered back and kissed her forehead, then she quietly backed out of the room into Rilian's.
„Mommy?", his sleepy voice came from where he was buried under pile of blankets and pillows. He always slept like that and Elphaba assumed it made him feel safer after all that happened.
"I'm here, snowflake", she said and sat on the edge of his bed.
Fiyero had started calling him snowflake when Rilian was about one year old and tried to catch snowflakes whenever they took a walk in the snow and the nickname just stuck. Fiyero was also the one who always built a fort out of pillows and blankets with their youngest son.
It's almost been a year since the accident and it was difficult to say the least. As much as she tried it got harder and harder for Elphaba to keep up the brave face for her children. Then there were days like this when she just didn't have the energy to cook so she went next door to the little restaurant and the owners who have known Elphaba and Fiyero for almost six years now would bring her the food around dinnertime. On other days she couldn't get up to do the laundry or rather wanted to spend the day with her children so she just dropped it off at the cleaners.
In front of the kids she called those days 'lazy days' but secretly she called them 'failed days' because that's what those were for her. She felt like she failed as a mother, as a wife and in life. Elphaba knew those thoughts were irrational and she would never describe herself as depressed but those days came and she couldn't really do anything about it. Especially since she didn't have anyone to talk to. Glinda and all of Oz still thought she was dead and while Makena, the restaurant's owner, was a lovely older lady, she wasn't the kind of person Elphaba felt comfortable talking to abour Fiyero.
"Mommy, will you sing to me?", her son's voice snapped her back into reality.
"Of course, sweetie", his mother replied. "Don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are. I won't wish and I won't start, wishing only wounds the heart. I won't dream, but I'm gonna pray, That maybe someday... I'll be that girl"
Rilian always loved that song although it was rather sad. And tonight, like every night Elphaba sung that song he asked: "But in the end, Mom, you were that girl, right?"
"Yes, snowflake, In the end I finally was that girl", Elphaba would reply and for a moment all she felt was gratefulness for everything she was allowed to experience in that relatively short time she had with her husband. And maybe, just maybe it really was possible to live without him.
You tell yourself you're rich at last in money and in time
You draw a bath and then unplug the phone
You pour yourself a Pinot Clo Du Val 2003
You sit a spell a queen upon her throne
You go to bed alone
Once Rilian and Kihla were fast asleep, Elphaba sneaked downstairs and let herself fall on the couch. She didn't know why but she was exhausted. Rilian had been in school until the early afternoon and Khila loved the kindergarten she went to for about two months now.
The family could be lucky that Fiyero had left them enough money so Elphaba could live very well of it for quite some time without having to work. Elphaba also had enough time for herself so her living conditions were ideal, despite the accident and she knew she should be thankful that she didn't have to be one of the working single mothers who had to watch every penny they spent in fear of noot having enough food. She knew that very well but she would have given all her money, their house and luxuries if she just had Fiyero back.
So the single mother did what she did every time she felt like this. She drew herself a hot bath with her and Fiyeros favorite bath salts, the one that smelled like lavender with a hint of vanilla, poured herself a small glass of the expensive wine she and Fiyero used to drink on special occasion, the last bottle had lasted more than a year now, and tried to relax.
When she sunk into the hot water, for just a moment she pretended. She pretended that she is just exhausted from her long day at work with the Wizard, pretended that he didn't turn out to be an Animal banning fraud, pretended Fiyero was only gone over the weekend because he had to carry out his royal duties and deal with her father in Munchkinland. Of course her father would be immensely proud that she was working with the Wizard and he and Fiyero would get together for tea or coffee or lunch and had a little light chat before diving into political manners. Glinda would come over tomorrow to visit her Godchildren with her husband. The never got into a fight over Fiyero because the two never got engaged. Of course she would have been sad and maybe a little angry, but being the romantic she is, Glinda would have given them there blessing just a few days later.
And even though she would have never thought this could happened, she pretended to be his queen.
None of this mattered though when reality hit her as soon as she stepped out of the tub. Trying to grasp the last bits of her daydream she got dressed for the night and went to bed alone.
You learn to fall asleep alone
You learn to silence ticking clocks
You learn to pull the shades at night
And double check the locks
She managed to find a routine to finish the day. Before she went to bed she pulled all the shades and checked twice if the frontdoor was locked. It wasn't that she was helpless if someone broke in but for the sake of her children she needed to be extra careful and she couldn't bear to even think about losing another member of her little family.
Falling asleep without Fiyero by her side was probably the hardest thing to learn. About half a year after the accident she got pretty good at that, too, though the dreams never stopped.
"I'll be back in an hour! I love you."
"I love you, too! Don't forget to get the paint for the garden shed!", Elphaba yelled over all the noise Rilian and Kihla made before Fiyero left the house.
"Sure, thing, I wouldn't have remembered the first five times you told me", her husband laughed and slammed the door so Elphaba knew he was gone.
The kids decided to play 'band' today and Kihla was sitting on the floor with two wooden spoons in her little hands and happily using her mothers pans and pots as drums.
Rilian had his little kids guitar on his lap and strummed the strings as if his life depended on it. It was extremely loud and Elphaba could feel herself getting a headache, but she didn't have the heart to tell them to stop. Maybe she was too soft, but she couldn't remember having a day in her childhood when she was that happy and playful. So instead of taking away their 'instruments', she sat at the piano and accompanied her little rockstars.
After a while though, when her headache progressed, she carefully suggested playing a more quiet song and then looked at her kids in awe when Kihla carefully hit the pans with a surprisingly good feeling for rhythm and Rilian tried to play some of the chords his father taught him.
They were playing for a while and didn't even realize the time passing. So when Elphaba looked at the clock she was surprised that an hour and a half had passed already and worried, because Fiyero wasn't home, yet. She knew it was stupid, because most of the times it took Fiyero longer to run his errands than he said it would.
She couldn't help but feel relived though when she heard a sheepish knock on the door. Fiyero always knocked like that when he forgot his keys.
With a yell of "DADDYYY", the kids ran to the door, Elphaba closely behind them, not wanting them to open the door without her even though she was sure is was their Dad.
But when Rilian excitedly opened the door her heart sunk. Outside was Brielle. She was a nurse at the hospital and Elphaba knew her back from when she had her children.
"What's going on?", she asked, "Is Fiyero okay?"
Brielle looked at her and with a sinking feeling in her stomach Elphaba saw tears in her eyes. "There's been an accident . Your husband chased a thief who just mugged a young teenage girl and while running after him he was hit by a carriage. He was brought to the hospital immediately but there was nothing they could do. I'm so, so sorry, Mrs. Tiggular."
With a start Elphaba woke up. The dream still clear in front of her eyes. It was one of the more harmless ones. Sometimes she would dream of Fiyero being hit by that carriage or even stabbed by the mugger. For just a second she cursed Fiyeros heroism but she knew she would have done the same thing.
You learn to speak so calmly when
Your heart would like to scream and shout
You learn to stop and breathe and smile
You learn to live without
You find the coat and tie you thought you'd given to good will
You toss his favorite shoes onto the pile
You see him in the faces of the boys he left behind
And die a bit with every tiny smile
But only for a while
After falling asleep, mornings were the hardest parts of the day.
Getting the kids ready for school and kindergarten was difficult because while Rilian was always good with waking up, his sister came more after her Dad and liked to sleep in.
It was Fiyero's area of expertise to wake her up and get her ready since the two shared that trait. Most mornings Elphaba had to pull herself together and stay calm. She knew that her father's death was in some ways more difficult for Kihla because she could not understand why her Daddy was gone so suddenly. The young widow always tried to explain to her daughter that her father was a hero and sometimes heroes don't come back from their adventures. She explained how Fiyero tried to save a girl from having something important stolen but it didn't work out that way. It took a while for Kihla to stop waiting for Daddy to come and tuck her in or wake her up.
So even though she wanted to scream and shout out her frustration and anger at the world, she forced herself to take a deep breath, put on a smile and be the best mother she could for her kids.
One time Rilian came into her bedroom wearing Fiyero's coat and his tie as a headband. He amost drowned in his father's long, heavy coat.
Elphaba could have sworn she had given it away. But seeing Rilian in his father's clothes, though they were not fitting him at all, and grinning at her with that slight mischievous look in his eyes she was struck by the resemblance he had to his father.
Every time she noticed another similarity to her husband in one of the kids, when Kihla did a silly dance Fiyero taught her or Rilian ran his hand through his hair, it felt like she died a little bit inside. But then again she realized that at least she still had a part of him in his kids. He didn't leave her with nothing.
You learn to count the quiet winds
An hour with no unprompted tears
And not to count the deadly days
As they fade into years
But with passing time the pain became more bearable. About a year after his death she managed to pass one, sometimes even two days without the sudden urge to cry.
One and a half years later she managed to attempt to play the piano again, something he hasn't dared to do with her last time ending like this.
About two years later she stopped counting the days he was gone and slowly, very slowly she started to move on. Fiyero would have wanted that for her, she was sure of it.
You learn to stand alone at last
So brave and bold and strong and stout
You learn somehow to like the dark
And even love the doubt
About five years after Fiyero's death you could safely say that Elphaba was becoming more and more her old self.
She was able to tell her kids all the stories abut the good times without bursting into tears, she could go out with one of her friends, the mother of Rilian's best friend. Mireya was no Glinda, but Elphaba soon developed a deep friendship with her. And she laugh and sometimes even agree when Mireya pointed out guys that Elphaba should ask out. The widowed mother never did, though. Even though she knew that Fiyero would want her to be happy and if she found someone who makes her happy he's be okay with that but she couldn't. What she had with Fiyero was nothing she would find again and Elphaba knew that. She had her kids and this was all the love she needed.
It wasn't easy and it still isn't, but she learned to live without.
I hope you liked it! It was my first time writing something sad so I hope I succeded at least a little bit:) Reviews would make me happy:D