Title: If Only I Could
Series: Gundam Wing
Pairing: 1+3
Category: Angst, cruel irony, death?, Heero's POV
Warnings: Language, shounen-ai
Disclaimer: I do not own any and/or all of the GW characters mentioned in any and/or all of my fanfiction. I write because I like to do it, and not to infringe anything.
Author's Notes: Better read this first, before I tell you what made me write it. It'll only spoil the reading when I write the notes ahead. Pardon for any screw-ups. (Originally an entry to last year's 1x3/3x1 Silent Passion Fanfic Contest)

Dedications: This goes out to Katlyn, who loves angst, and who's been real wonderful; Marissa, for being sweet and nice; Cass, for all the nice messages and our shared interests; Ashura, for being nice and helpful (though I still promise to make you a 3+4/4+3); Maynard, for her wonderful welcome, and please continue "Jungle Fever"; Chyldea, I love all your fanarts!; Lyric, "Candlelight Masterpiece" was really good; Tabs, I worship you for "Love Story"; and to my Ari-chan aka Trowa Koh, for being sweet and *so* helpful.

"If Only I Could"
by Fall

Ring-ring!

Omae o korosu, I muttered. It was the sixth time the phone had rung, and still, the answering machine hadn't picked up. If I weren't so busy now, I would have answered the phone myself. Whoever is calling must know that he or she is driving me distracted with all the ruckus, and for damnation's sake, I can't figure out what was written on my laptop.

Ring!

I stood up to smash the blasted phone, when the answering machine kicked in.

"Whoever you are, leave a message and run for your life." I smirked at my own cold voice. Nice one, if I may say so myself.

The smirk went off my face when I heard Maxwell's voice.

"Heero! Please, I know you're there! Pick up the phone!" He was totally frantic, and I sensed something. Was it distress?

"Heero...it's..." he sputtered. "It's Tro--" Hell. I remember adjusting the machine to only record one minute per message, to limit unnecessary chattering and gossip. But something in his voice made my blood froze. And I'm certain he almost mentioned Trowa. What about him?

Ever since we broke up a year ago, I made it a point to break all communications between us, and made my friends avoid mentioning him to me. I withdrew myself from any social interaction with him, and any mention of his name by anyone makes my blood boil. Though I retained a cold, uncaring exterior, in the interior, it's breaking me apart.

And I hate it.

My eyes traveled to the phone. Would I, or wouldn't I? Maxwell is fond of playing some tricks on me, and it was his especial pleasure when he can get me to admit that I still have feelings for Trowa. I still have, though I'm trying my best to eradicate them. This is the only way I know of handling such matters, and I plan to remain so. The only glitch is that, Duo tends to harvest an irritating kind of satisfaction whenever he lifts a corner of my mask. And this might be one of his ridiculous tricks. Succumbing to one of them is shameful, and I think two times in a week is trying to my patience.

Ring-ring!

This time the blasted machine picked up at once, never giving me the chance to lift the receiver and yell at Maxwell to shut up or else.

"Heero! Please! You need to answer me!" Was Maxwell actually sobbing? "It's Trowa..." his voice trailed off.

That does it. Duo Maxwell, you've reached your limit, and now it's time to end all this crap.

I grabbed the phone and yelled. "Maxwell, shut up if you know what's good for you!"

A sniff, followed by several gasps, and more fidgeting. "Heero...it's...it's" he hiccupped.

My instincts never failed me even once, but even as I felt the first prick of it, I managed to appear calm, lest this is another one of Shinigami's jokes. "Stop sniveling like a brat and out with it!" I commanded.

"Oh, Heero!" Duo burst into a fresh stream of sobs. "It's...it's..."

"Duo," I warned.

"It's Trowa..." I heard his voice tremble. "It's Trowa...he's...dead."

I was stunned. Trowa's dead? Is it true? And for the first time, I hoped fervently that after a while, Duo will crack up and say, like he always does, "Aw, man. Quit the pride and go fuck him! You still love him, and don't go wasting precious time when you can still have him."

My knuckles were already white from gripping the receiver. I tried to remain calm. "And?"

Suddenly, Duo wasn't sniveling anymore. He flew at me right then. "Trowa's dead, and all you say is 'And?' like you aren't even interested?" He spat out. "Of all the inhuman things! I know you are the perfect soldier, but for damnation's sake! Heero, what are you? Your boyfriend's dead, and all you say is 'And'?"

"Duo, we've broken up long ago." I reminded him quietly. Is it true? I could feel all my strength failing me.

"Yeah, and you know what? He told me to tell you that he still loved you after all this time. I was with him, and I swear, those were his...his...last words." Duo took a deep breath to steady his breathing. "And where were you? Hiding inside the vicinity of your room, facing that blasted laptop, cutting off all your friends, and nursing your pride! You know, half of you just died, and all you care about is your cursed pride? I can see it now. You're thinking that good old Duo Maxwell is just playing one of his cruel tricks on you, and you'll never let your perfect soldier mask fall apart. Well, I'm telling you this. I'm not the kind of friend who goes off joking that one of my friends had just died. Think it over, and call me back. Excuse me, but I have to comfort Catherine."

And with that, the line went dead.

I stared at my hand, still holding the receiver. I couldn't believe it. Trowa's dead. When? Why? How? And how stupid of me not to have told him....tremors shook me so bad I had to hold on to the table to steady myself. I can't believe it....

As if in a trance, I dialed a number. I don't know how I knew what I was supposed to dial, but I seemed to know. He seemed to never have left the phone, for after a ring, he picked up, and said, "Heero, I know it's hard for you to accept, it was hard for me too. But..." Silence.

I struggled to mask the trembling I felt. "Duo...how...how did he..." I can't bring myself to say it. And Duo seems to understand.

"It was an accident. His car was hit by a truck, and it skidded off the freeway." Duo took a deep breath. "And Heero?"

My eyes felt dry. I desperately wanted to cry, to relieve this pain. But though my heart felt agonized, my mind still refused to accept the truth. Trowa's not dead. He can't be dead. This must be a joke. Anything else, but not that.

Without waiting for an answer, Duo said, in the saddest tone he'd ever used. "And Heero...he was driving out to..." he stumbled over the words. "Two hours ago, he was planning to go and see you. Today's..." With that, he couldn't seem to go on.

"Today's our former anniversary." I continued quietly. "He came out to...see me?....Why?"

"He told me he wanted to...to...marry you." Duo whispered.

If I ever was shocked, this is the only time that I fell to my knees. "No..." I whispered. "Maxwell, please tell me this is all just a joke. Just a joke..."

The line crackled. Duo was sobbing again. "I'm sorry, but it's not. Oh Heero! It was the most painful thing I ever did in my life! I pride myself on being Shinigami...but when a friend dies right before you...."

No...no...no! I will not believe it. "Tell me...who else was there? Where are you? Why didn't you tell me?" But I knew the answers. Everyone was there. They're at the hospital. They didn't tell me because I refused to answer any calls for the past hours, and my answering machine never worked. This is all my fault.

"All of us. I'm here...at the hospital. You...never answered the phone." Duo said shakily. "I know it's hard for you to believe it. But please. You have to accept. Trowa..." another crackle. "Trowa's last words were that his love for you never ceased after all this time. And that tonight, he would have asked you to marry him, and would have begged for your forgiveness. But since it can't be done....he's requested Quatre and Cathy to bring your intended engagement rings."

"Duo...thank you." I whispered, still feeling weak. "I know it's my fault...me and my damn pride...now it's too late..."

He never got to answer, for the doorbell rang just then.

"Must be Cathy and Quatre." I told him.

"Go and see them." Duo said. "And Heero?"

"Yes?"

"It's not your fault. Good bye." I heard a click, and the line went dead.

Buzzz!

No! No...I repeated over and over in my mind, as I slowly made my way to the door. My heart was pounding, my head heavy with denial and pain, when I opened the door.

True enough, Quatre and Cathy stood at my doorstep. Both had red-rimmed eyes, and both looked as if they plan to put me at ease, and never show their own pains.

I bade them in.

I heard a muffled sniff as I led the way to the living room. I dreaded to face them, but I just have to know the truth. I turned to Quatre.

"Quatre?" I asked, asking with my eyes, what my lips could not.

"Here." He said, his own filling with tears. Cathy's seemed to flow freely, and even as I quietly took the small velvet box that caused all this pain, I was screaming inside.

My trembling hands found identical silver rings, encrusted with diamonds. The other was nestled in a satiny-velvet material, the other placed beside it. I took out the ring that I fancied was meant for me.

"For the love that never ceased to exist, even after all this time." Those were the words I read, small but clearly inscribed inside the band of silver.

My mind was whirling. I can't focus clearly. Horrified, I turned my eyes towards Quatre and Cathy. Quatre looked away, while Catherine...with her eyes that held an eerie resemblance to my beloved's, caught my inquiring gaze and nodded.

It was all too much. My eyes failed to register what I see, and everything was blurring.

My hands groped out for the nearby wall, but I can't find it.

Then all of a sudden, everything went black.

I woke up to the constant ringing of the phone. I was sweating and trembling all over, and my head ached from the tears that refused to fall. My eyes fell on my hands; the velvet box wasn't there. I looked around and realized that it was all just a dream.

I sat bolt upright. A dream! It was all just a dream! I began to laugh insanely. Just a dream! Trowa's still alive! My love is still alive! I smiled and decided to go and visit him as soon as I took a shower and dressed. This time, I won't let anything happen, and my pride goes down the drain.

Throwing the bedcovers off, I started to head to the bathroom, with a smile all over my face. Only then did I remember that the phone was ringing. I was about to pick it up, when the answering machine did.

"Heero! Please, I know you're there! Pick up the phone!"

I froze. It was Duo, and he sounded...frantic.

"No....please..." I whispered, as I sank to my knees.

- End

Here's the rest of my Author's note:

I dreamt of this once, two weeks ago. Not the same way, but I could relate to the angst written here, for I wrote this to ease the pain I felt. You know, turning to writing as vent for repressed emotions. This really haunted me, and writing this helped to express what was consuming me.