Disclaimer: "I'm pure evil in a sugar coating!"
(An: ...Don't ask. Too much sugar and a Jamie bio equals Skysong madness. We're just going to imagine that Remy's on the X-men, ok?)
Gambit made it a habit to mind his own business. But when the squirt- what was his name?- made his way along the grass by the boathouse, humming the theme from Mission: Impossible, Remy couldn't help but shadow the little guy, curiousity peaked.
The midget- Jamie, that's it- picked his way along the lawn and back into the house. Once inside, he flicked from shadowy corner to shadowy corner, managing to trip about five times and make about ten of himself before reabsorbing them.
"All right," Remy said, utterly stumped, "what are you doing?"
Jamie squeaked and jumped about a foot. Then he whirled. "You didn't see anything," he insisted, waving his hands in front of him and slinking away into the shadows.
"Kid, that ain't gonna work. I patented that exit."
"Darn." Jamie stepped out into the light.
"Now spill."
Jamie squirmed and fidgeted until Remy raised an eyebrow. "Ok, ok, I'm looking for my evil clone."
"...Your evil clone."
"Yeah!" Jamie agreed, bobbing his head. "According to Mr. McCoy he's the physical manifestation of all the pent up evil and hatred in my psyche. I try not to let him out but he escapes sometimes..." Jamie trailed off seeing the incredulous look on Remy's face.
"...You have an evil clone."
"Yeah! How come nobody ever believes me?"
Remy pointed at Rogue, who was stabbing some poor vegetable with a knife in the kitchen. "Now, see, her I could see with a manifestation of pure evil. You... not so much."
"But I do! I have evil! LOTS OF EVIL!" Jamie then let off a magnificent evil laugh.
"Wait... how do I know you're not the evil Jamie?"
"Because if I were the evil Jamie you'd be hanging upside down from a tree right now, covered in whipped cream."
"Ah. Oui."
"So can you help me?"
"Sure, why not, I don't have anything better to do."
Famous. Last. Words.
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES LATER, JAMIE'S ROOM...
"See, my powers suck and I suck at controlling them, but the good thing is that I get my own room," Jamie explained, bouncing, with Remy drifting along in his wake. "Hold this, and this, and this," he continued, throwing various objects into Remy's arms, who eyed them with his usual skepticism and amusement. "Ah-ha!" He held up a box like it was the lost treasure of Atlantis or something similar.
"..."
Seeing that this got no response from Remy, Jamie repeated the gesture, his "ah-ha" a little less inspired.
"...What the hell is that?"
"It's my pet tarantula, Spooky!" And with that, Jamie flipped off the lid. He eyed the spider inside annoyedly. "That's right, Spooky, make with the doe eyes to impress the new guy. Never do that for me, noooo..."
Remy looked from the arachnid in the box to Jamie, eyebrow once again raised. He cleared his throat.
"Uh, right."
"Why do we need the bug, again?"
"He's not a bug, he's a tarantula!"
"Same difference; still don't tell moi why we need it."
"Him!"
"Whatever."
Jamie frowned at him, but decided to explain his Master Plan (tm) anyway. "Ok, so, here's what we're gonna do..."
ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, THE COMMON ROOM
Jamie crept along the floor, again humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Remy strolled along behind him, holding the box and apparently paying him no mind.
"There he is!" Jamie hissed, suddenly standing up and grabbing Remy.
"...Get off me."
"Sorry, overexcited, there."
Jamie disattached himself and pointed at the traitorous clone, who was in the kitchen, poking through the fridge. "You see? That... is the face of pure evil."
"...I can't see his face."
"Well, look at mine and you'll get a pretty good idea."
"Uh-huh."
Jamie, undaunted by his partner's apparent skepticism, edged along the wall, beckoning for Remy to follow. He did, still walking normally and apparently not caring about stealth at all.
"Ok, now, let Spooky out," Jamie instructed.
Remy bent down and let the little ball of spidery cuteness out. It looked around, apparently as unsure of what it was doing as Remy.
"KILL!" Jamie cried, pointing at the other Jamie.
Spooky blinked, and then dashed off at a run at the "evil" dupe.
"I've trained him well," Jamie sniffed, rubbing his eyes.
"Now what?"
"Now... we wait." Jamie pulled a flashlight from his pocket and cackled madly into its glow.
IN THE KITCHEN...
The "evil" Jamie was still looking for the whipped cream when he spotted Spooky. "Hey there, little guy," he said, scooping up the spider. Spooky gave him the doe eyes again before sinking his little spidery fangs into his thumb. "GAH!"
The normal Jamie, hearing the "gah", cackled again and then ran into the kitchen.
The "evil" Jamie was running around in a circle with Spooky firmly attached to his thumb, screaming incoherently. Jamie jumped forward and tackled his dupe, quickly reabsorbing the resulting clones.
"Well... this is an... interesting position," said the other Jamie quietly.
Spooky, sensing a problem, quickly ran off.
"Although I usually like to be on top," not-Jamie added.
Jamie squeaked and jumped off, Remy giving him an odd look.
Jamie reabsorbed the dupe as well, turning red.
"What was that all about?"
"That wasn't my evil clone, that was my... uh... you know how they say every guy's got a little gay in him? That one's mine."
"...Uh-huh," said Remy, making sure there was a five-foot distance between him and Jamie at all times.
Jamie, looking embarrassed, grabbed Spooky and replaced him in his box. "Ok, time for plan B," he went on, obviously glad to change the subject.
BACK IN JAMIE'S ROOM...
"Ok, Spooky didn't work," Jamie said, as Remy set the box down on his dresser. "So we'll just have to try something else!"
"This one won't involve a bug, will it?"
"He's an arachnid!"
Remy did the intimidating-eyebrow-raising again.
"Yeah, yeah, moot point," Jamie muttered, again digging through his stuff. "Here we go!" he cried, holding up... something.
"What the hell is that?"
"It's a sure-fire Jamie attractor!" he explained. "My secret stash of Ororo's lemon squares." He sniffled. "It's kind of a burn, giving them up for him, but I can do without. Besides, I'm doing it for the good of the team!"
He led Remy back into the common room, where he opened the box and set the squares of lemony goodness on a plate. Then he took up a position behind the couch, and gestured for Remy to do the same. Remy chose to sit on it instead, though, sampling one of the bars. "Hey, these are good."
"Don't eat 'em, those are our bait!"
Remy shrugged and leaned back in the seat.
It took about five minutes. Then, a familiar-looking brown head came into the room, sniffing the air. Remy raised an eyebrow as the real evil Jamie eyed him suspiciously. "What, you want those things?" Remy asked.
The evil Jamie said nothing, just narrowed his eyes.
"See? Evil!" the normal Jamie hissed from behind him.
The evil Jamie froze, as though sensing his alter ego's presence. Then he blinked, and pounced on the lemon squares on the table.
"Ah-HA!" Jamie cried, springing out from behind the couch.
"Ah. Jamie. So we meet again," the evil one agreed.
"Why'd you call him Jamie when you're Jamie?" Remy interjected.
"I'm not Multiple, I'm Multiple Man!" the evil Jamie objected.
"Curse you! That's my idea!" cried the real Jamie.
"You're both a little short to earn the name 'man,'" Rahne commented, strolling through the room with barely a care. (As a New Recruit she was used to Jamie arguing with his dupes.)
"You shut up!" both Jamies shouted after her.
"Be nice, now, midgets," Remy instructed lazily from the couch, where he had monopolized the lemon squares.
The evil Jamie shot him a death glare (it had to be the evil one because no good Jamie could look like that). "Those are my lemon squares!" he shrieked, springing at Remy.
This was enough time for the normal Jamie to tackle/reabsorb him. "And Jamie is the winner!" He began to do a dance.
"Very nice, very nice," Remy agreed, walking off, still with the lemon squares.
As soon as he did, Jamie burst out with an evil cackle and anybody who saw him just then could've sworn his eyes glowed red... of course, there wasn't anyone around to see.
THE END... OR IS IT?
(That is really the end I refuse to write a sequel so don't even try! And Rahne's cameo was inspired by silversneverbeenbetter. HI CASSY! You've read, so why not review?)