It has been almost three weeks since I walked out on Camille. At first, I felt kind of bad considering we had been planning that day for months before it actually happened. She had been looking forward to the day for a while, and I really didn't mean to upset her the way I did. I just don't think that I could have gone through with actually marrying someone that I didn't love. Sure, I did love Camille at one time, but I don't think that the love is the same as the love I have for Kendall. Especially since I still loved Kendall years after we broke up.
Last night, I had woken up in the middle of the night from a dream – more like a nightmare – about Kendall and Camille and I. Kendall and I were walking down the beach – like we did yesterday – and out of nowhere Camille shows up. At first I just thought that she wanted to tell me how big of a mistake I made, which was partly true because she did do that, but then she started yelling. In the middle of her yelling, Kendall thought that we should just leave, so he started tugging on my arm. When he started walking the other way, Camille pulled out a random gun and shot Kendall. Before I had woken up, Kendall had died in my arms.
It was a very terrible dream. When I woke up, Kendall was sound asleep and I had tears falling down my face. When my tears turned into sobs, I ran out into the living; which was where I am right now. Well, alright…I'm in the kitchen cooking breakfast, but it was close enough.
I was still wondering what Kendall meant, when he told me the day we had gotten back together; the fact that Kendall told me that he wasn't good enough for me. Every time that I ask him about it, he tells me to just drop it. Well, except for the last time; he had gotten really mad at me. I don't like when he gets mad at me, so I just dropped it.
"Hey, Kendall?" I asked, when Kendall walked into the apartment after he got off of work.
"Yes, Logie?"
"What did you mean when you told me that you weren't good enough for me?"
"Will you please just drop it, Logan?" That's the first time that he has ever called me Logan since we got back together.
"Kendall, why won't you tell me? I deserve to know!" I guess my voice came out louder than I intended, because he glared at me.
"Logan, if you deserved to know, I would tell you; right?"
"I guess…" I trailed off, but then changed my thought. "I still think that I deserve to know, because we almost didn't get together. And that was your excuse."
"Logan! I told you to drop it!" He was yelling, and it kind of scared me. I had never seen him mad at me, even when we were still in high school; he never got mad at me.
"Alright; sorry." I said, barely above a whisper.
"Logie, I -" but I didn't let him finish; I just walked out of the room.
That had been two days ago. And I had yet to find out his reasoning behind not being good enough…even though I had a fairly good idea about what he meant by it. I just didn't want to jump to conclusions about why he "wasn't good enough". I feel like it has to do with his father. A year after his sister – Katie – was born, his father left them. It had taken a lot out of his mother, and Kendall thought that it had something to do with him and Katie. It wasn't until Kendall was twelve that he found out that his father was cheating on his mother. It took Kendall's mother months to get over the fact that she walked in on her husband and his secretary. I felt bad when I found out, because even though I didn't have my father either, it wasn't the same; I lost my father from a car crash, instead of cheating. When Kendall found out, he locked himself up inside his room for about two weeks. That was when James and I broke down his room – with his mother's permission, of course. Carlos was the only one that actually got him talking about it, and was the only one that was able to get him to cry on their shoulder. It was pretty intense; none of us had ever seen our leader so broken.
Part of me told me that there was a little more to it, than just his father. Mostly because it didn't make sense. He wasn't his father, and I knew that he wasn't going to cheat on me like his father. Again, I wasn't sure if that was the reason, but I was pretty sure that it was.
This morning, I decided that I would invite Carlos and James over. We haven't hung out as the four of us in a while, and I thought that it was about time we did. I thought that it was kind of funny how we all split up after Kendall and I broke up. James thought that he should do whatever it is that James does. Carlos and I had originally moved out here together, at least until we had a job that paid enough to get our own apartment. Kendall, he wanted to go back to Minnesota to do hockey – key word wanted – but they wouldn't take him. Instead, he decided to move out to California and pursue an acting career; which worked out for a couple years, until he – apparently – moved out to New York.
"Logie?" a voice called out from the direction of the bedroom.
"I'm in the kitchen!" I replied.
"What are you doing?" Kendall asked, walking into the kitchen a couple seconds later.
"Just making breakfast. I thought that it would be fun to invite over James and Carlos, since we haven't hung out in a while." I wasn't sure if he would be fine with it, but no one said that he had to stay here.
"Oh, that sound fun; it has been a while." He said, spinning me around to face him and forget about the food that was on the stove. "Logie," he whispered leaning into me ear, making me shiver.
"Kendall, I have to cook."
"I'm sure that the food will be alright for a minute…"
I almost gave in when he trailed open mouthed kisses down my neck, until he reached my pulse point; which he started to suck on.
"Kendall, come on. They'll be here any minute, and I want to finish breakfast before they get here. And hopefully change, too."
"Fine," he reluctantly pulled away.
As soon as he pulled away, there was a knock on the door.
"Shit!" I yelled, running towards the bedroom. "Kendall, watch the food! And get the door! Ooh, send Carlos into the room; I need to talk to him"
When I ran into the room, I slammed the door and ran towards the closet.
I remember my life before Kendall came back into it. I hardly ever had a day off, and when I did I was always running around town – from 6 AM until 7 PM – trying to figure out wedding plans. That was my schedule for about eight months before the wedding. Which was partly the reason why I loved being with Kendall; he was always unpredictable.
"Kendall!" I yelled into the apartment that appeared empty; which was weird, because Kendall and I were supposed to be going out tonight. When I got no response, I started walking towards the bedroom. "Kendall?" I asked, knocking on the door. There was – again – no response. "Kendall?" I tried the door, and it was unlocked.
When I walked into the room, there were lit candles everywhere. Aside from the candles, there were rose petals over every inch of the room. Which, I'm not going to lie, made me feel like a girl; especially when I started giggling at the cliché of it all. GIGGLING! If that didn't make me feel like a girl, then the fact that tears started forming in my eyes definitely did. The tears instantly stopped, when I heard the door slam shut behind me causing me to turn around.
"Kendall?" I asked, when I spotted him standing there behind me. "What is all of this?"
"Well, your wedding was yesterday…"
"Yeah, but I didn't get married…"
"I still think that you deserve a honeymoon. Well, a night that is honeymoon-ish." He said, pretending like he hadn't heard me say anything.
Before I could say anything else, I was being pushed towards the bed. The backs of my legs hit the edge of the bed, and Kendall pushed me down onto the bed.
Before I could get too into the memory of that night, Carlos had run into the room.
"Logan! Oh my goodness! I didn't see you when you came back to the chapel that day. And I honestly wasn't sure what happened between you and Camille. So, I went to ask her and she just cussed me out!" He said that in a rush, which kind of made me laugh. "What happened?"
I sighed before I answered, "Well, when I got there, I walked into the room and it all came crashing down…I couldn't do it. I went to talk to Camille-"
"Wow; wait! You went to talk to Camille?"
"Yes."
"Wow. They actually let you do that? They seemed really strict about that."
"Yes, they did let me do that. But that's not the point." After he didn't say anything for a while, I continued. "Anyways, when I went to talk to her, she knew what I wanted. Which seemed to piss her off. And then she told me that she never wanted to see me again. That's when I left and started calling Kendall. When he didn't answer, I was about to give up…but then he ended up here, at my apartment."
"What did you guys talk about?"
"That's why I wanted to talk to you…he- he said that I did the right thing with not going through with the wedding…but then he said that he wasn't worth it. Said that he didn't deserve me." I looked down, when tears started to form in my eyes.
"Why does he think that?"
"I don't know. I asked, but he refuses to talk about it."
"Logan, do you think that it has to do with his dad?"
"That's what I was thinking, but I don't want to assume things, you know? I don't want him to get pissed at me for thinking that, when it's not the reason."
"That's true."
As a thought ran though my head, I snapped my head up. "Oh, god! What if he doesn't love me?"
"Logan, don't even think that! He does love you."
"How do you know? I mean, he could be just using me because he doesn't have a boyfriend at the moment."
"Logan, you're being silly. Remember when you guys dated in high school? He never cooked; he always said that he hated cooking and that he wasn't good at it. But he's out there in the kitchen, doing what?"
"Uh, cooking?" I knew that it came out as a question.
"Exactly! He's cooking because you asked him to watch the food for you. I don't know about you, but if I didn't like cooking and the person...Then I definitely wouldn't cook for the person. Or –in his case – finish cooking for the person."
I guess he did have a point with that. But I just didn't understand why he wouldn't tell me why he didn't feel good enough, because if anything I was the one that wasn't good enough. I mean, I was the nerdy, very predictable, not spontaneous guy; while he was the complete opposite.
I never mentioned my insecurities to Kendall; mostly because he's already telling me the same thing and I don't want him to think I'm being insecure about what he's saying. Because that's not why I feel this way. I feel this way because I love him so much, and I honestly think that he's gonna have leave me for someone else, or realize that I'm not good enough for him and he can do better than me.
"Carlos, what if I'm the one that's not good enough for him?"
"Oh, no! we are not going through this with you." And before I knew what was going on, he grabbed my wrist and dragged me out into the living room. When we got there, I could hear Kendall asking James something, which I knew instantly what it was; 'what if I'm not good enough for him?'
"Kendall! Don't say stuff like – oh! Hey guys!" James cut himself off. I knew exactly what Kendall asked, and I had a pretty good idea what he was going to ask.
"James, I think that Kendall and Logan need to talk about their insecurities."
"Insecurities? What are you talking about?" he asked, trying to get us away from that topic. I knew that Kendall hated that I knew about them, but he still didn't like talking to me about it.
"James, we both know what you guys were talking about before we walked in. And I doubt that Kendall knows about Logan's insecurities. So, we – James and I – are going to play therapist."
"Carlos, we don't need a therapist."
"It's either James and I, or a real therapist."
I couldn't believe that this was happening. I never once thought that Carlos would be so serious for more than five seconds. But, I kind of enjoyed it because I was gonna learn why Kendall thought he wasn't good enough. but it also meant that Kendall was going to find out about my insecurities. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle that.
"How about Logan and I talk about them ourselves? We'll go right now, and talk."
"Kendall, you've had three weeks to talk about them, and you didn't do it. So, I think it's best if we do it this way."
"Whatever."
"Alright, Logan how about you go first? Do you have anything to say to Kendall?"
"Well, I – uh – I don't think so…" I don't know why it was so hard for me to just say it. Probably because I felt like he was going to walk away from me, once I tell him.
"Logan, come on. It's the four of us; you have nothing to be afraid of."
"Well, I guess I'm scared…"
"Scared of what?" Kendall asked, causing me to look at him.
"That you'll leave me..."
"You think I'm going to leave you? Why do you think I'd leave you?"
"Because I love you so much, that I feel like you're going to end up thinking that I'm not good enough and leave me." I looked away from him, finding that a spot on the wall was a lot more interesting than what Kendall was about to tell me. I didn't want to tell him that I was thinking that he was going to end up cheating on me, because I figured that would only make things worse.
"You think you're not good enough for me, Logie? Are you serious? If anything, I'm not good enough for you and that you're too good for me. I feel like you're going to leave me."
"Kendall," I sighed, looking back at Kendall. "I would never leave you because I think that I can do better. That will never happen, because I love you so much, Kenny."
"I know…it's just that I don't always see it that way. I always see people and think that you probably will have a better chance with someone that doesn't have so much baggage like me."
"Kenny, does this have to do with your father?"
"Maybe…" he looked away, much like I did a little bit ago.
"Listen to me. I am nothing like your father. Your father was a dick, okay? I am not. I love you. I love you so much, Kenny. I honestly can see myself marrying you. So, please don't think that I would ever leave you for someone else. Got it?"
Still not looking up, he nodded his head.
"Kendall, will you please look up at me?" I asked. When he didn't answer, or look up, I walked up to him and forced his chin up to look me in the eyes. "Kendall, please believe me…" I trailed off, knowing that my voice was starting to crack. How could I not know that he was this insecure about this? I knew that he was having moments of insecurity, but I didn't think it was actually this bad. I mean, I didn't even have the amount of insecurity that I could see running through his eyes.
Without thinking, I leaned forward and kissed him. I didn't want it to last too long, since James and Carlos were in the room; but when he wrapped his arms around my waist, I couldn't help but deepen it. As soon as he gave me access to his mouth, my hands went up to his neck, trying to pull him closer to me; which I highly doubt was possible. But that didn't stop me from trying my damn hardest.
As soon as Kendall started backing me up towards the closest wall, I heard someone clear their throat. When we pulled away, I noticed that Carlos was staring at the two of us and James was staring at Carlos. Ha; who would have thought that James – the lady's man – was crushing on Carlos – our best friend? Who was a guy, no less? Well, I can tell you that I was not expecting it. But honestly, I can kinda see them together. It wasn't like James was going to hurt Carlos, anyways. In fact, James was probably the nicest to Carlos out of the four of us; which I guess, I should have realized it was because of the crush, but I didn't until now.
Apparently Kendall thought the same thing that I was because the next thing I know, he's asking them if they need therapists in return. Carlos thought that he was going crazy, but James knew what he meant and turned red.
"Ha, James, don't worry." Carlos said, "I doubt that we have anything hidden between the two of us." At that moment, he finally noticed the blush that had crept up on James' face. "Unless, you're hiding something from me…"
"What? Me? No! Why do you think that I'm hiding something?" he started panicking, and glaring at Kendall.
"Well, it's just cause you turned red, when Kendall said that."
"Alright!" I cut in, not wanting to make James feel any more embarrassed than he already was. "How about we watch a movie or something?"
XxX
It's been a month since Kendall and I had told each other our insecurities, and I couldn't help but feel happier than I ever have in my entire life. Kendall has been a lot better than before. We hardly ever fight, and when we do it's not longer than five minutes. When either of us have any insecurity, we tell each other; which I think helps with the fighting. Once in a while, though, - I will admit – we have a big fight; like once Kendall wanted to go out to dinner, but all I really wanted to do was sit on the couch and cuddle. He ended up winning, because we "never go out anyway". Which isn't my fault; I guess, in a way it is. I have a job that calls for me to be there when my boss wants me to be. Therefore, I can't just go out when I want and have fun. Or, there was another time. I wanted to watch a comedy movie, when he wanted to watch horror. I don't handle horror movies well, but – again – he ended up winning that fight; simply because I didn't want to fight with him. Aside from those two fights, I don't think there were any really bad fights. But if you asked Kendall, he would say that they weren't fights, they were just disagreements. Which there really isn't much of a difference. But I'm not going to be the one to tell him that. I'll leave that to James or Carlos.
Speaking of James and Carlos...After Kendall had gotten James panicked with saying that they needed a therapist also, they had ended up telling each other that they liked the other. Which I – honestly – thought took longer than it should have. Now, they are seriously that sickly, cutest couple ever. And I mean that. They are worse than Kendall and I have ever been. EVER. Even during high school, we were never like that. But, I guess that's what they need. I don't think that they need anything to worry them. Mostly because Carlos is one of the most innocent guys that I have ever met. And James is the most insecure. He's always worried about what people are thinking about him. But I must admit, Carlos is helping him get over that. Which, again, they deserve each other, because James is helping Carlos out with his innocence; which I don't really wanna be thinking about at the moment, because I think of Carlos as my little brother. So, it would be wrong of me to think of him that way.
Anyways…everything has been a lot better for the four of us. Kendall and I are planning on moving into a real house soon; we already have the keys and everything. We were planning on moving closer to Carlos, but then they said it would be a really good idea if we all moved out to Minnesota. So, that's what we were planning on doing. James was also going to send his things out there; to be closer to Carlos. And – of course – us. Which we didn't really take offense to it, when he told us that.
I had talked to Camille again, the other day. She said that she honestly understood why I didn't go through with the wedding; especially since I had brought Kendall along with me; which if Kendall asks, I am NOT afraid of her…well, maybe a little. Just don't tell him that. Camille – apparently – got back together with her own high school sweetheart, which helped her forgive me. And I was really thankful that she forgave me, because – even though I don't care what people think about me – I don't like when people hate me.
XxX
When I walked into the apartment after work, I instantly noticed that Kendall wasn't in there. But that room was decorated with lights and candles; much like the night of my "honeymoon" with Kendall. It was a lot different than that, though. I mean, yeah, they were the same decorations, but it wasn't in the bedroom. Which meant that it wasn't intended for the same reasons. I wasn't sure what the reasons were, but I knew that I would love it; mostly because it was Kendall. I felt like it was an important date, but I was pretty smart. So, I would probably know before even thinking about it. Then I thought, maybe he just wants to do something special for me. But then, me being more paranoid than usual, I thought that maybe he did something and wanted me in a good mood before he told me. Which instantly made me more paranoid than before; thinking that maybe he cheated on me. But I had faith in Kendall, so I wasn't even going to think long about that.
It was then, that I realized that Kendall wasn't in the room. So, I sat my stuff down and started walking around the apartment. I looked in the bedroom last, because I thought that he would be in there. But he wasn't. When I reached the bathroom, I was extra careful because we always end up hitting the other in the face with the bathroom door. But when I got there and opened the door, no one was in there. I was confused, he didn't tell me that he was going anywhere today, and he didn't have work. So, I was trying to figure out where he would be. I remembered that James had decided to move here, since he was the only one that was from our group that didn't live here. But it wasn't like Kendall to just leave the apartment to hang out with someone, without leaving a note. So, I instantly thought the worst – yes, again.
"Logan? Where are you?" I heard a familiar voice say from the room that I was in not too long ago, which was weird because he wasn't just in there.
When I got out there, I noticed that Kendall was wearing an outfit that was slightly more fancy than his usual jeans and plaid t-shirt. I instantly forgot about my insecurity, and thought that maybe Kendall just wanted to do something nice for me. Which brought a smile to my face.
"Hi." I muttered lamely. I wasn't sure what brought on the nervousness. Maybe it was the fact that he wasn't even wearing the grey beanie that he usually does. Or. The fact that deep down, I knew what was going to happen. Or. The fact that he was smiling the same smile that he has when he's thinking about something terrifying – for me, at least.
"Well, hello, Logie." And there's the voice. The voice that's so low, it's only possible to achieve it when we're in bed. Just the two of us. "So, why are you nervous?"
"I – uh – I don't know…" again the only thing that was conveyed from my voice was the nervousness that I felt.
"Well, you don't have to be." He smiled, "It's just the two of us."
"I know. I just – uh – don't know."
"You're so adorable, Logie." His smile widened. I wasn't sure what it was, but I had the sudden urge to smack the smile – more like smirk – off his face. "Come 'ere" he motioned for me to walk over to him. Which I was quick to oblige.
When I reached him, he pulled me into a hug. It was the usual hug that we shared after a long day away from each other. This hug was gentler and made me feel kind of delicate. When he pulled away, he looked into my eyes. I didn't have the strength to look away from his gaze, even though I felt my cheeks heat up and made me self-conscious. So, I just stared right back.
"I know that this is probably a little soon, but honestly I love you so much, that it doesn't matter. Love doesn't know time. And, honestly, we've known each other longer than anyone else that we know has gotten married." His voice was shaky. And he looked nervous. I thought that it was adorable. "Anyways, I wanted to know if you would give me the honor of marrying me?" he whispered the question.
"I guess, I'll marry you." I said in a faux exasperation. He just smiled at that, not caring about the tone.
"Really?" he squeaked. I couldn't help but laugh.
"Really, Kenny." I smiled.
"Good, because I don't think that I would be able to live without you." He said, pulling me back into a hug.
"Well, that's good. Because you're stuck with me forever." I was still looking in his eyes. "I love you, Kenny."
He leaned in and quickly pecked me on the lips. "I love you too, Logie."