Surprise Matchmaking

Santana slammed Finn against the wall of the previously empty choir room, delighting in the way he tried (and failed) to conceal a wince at the force of her shove.

"What are you doing?" Asked Finn. "Have I done something wrong?"

"Of course you did something wrong Finnocence. Don't play dumb with me; I know that you have a brain somewhere behind that dopey expression. How else would everyone believe that you're so perfect, when you're really a complete asshole?" Santana hissed.

"Look I have Spanish with Mr. Schue, I have to-"

"I'm sure Schuester can last one minute without his precious golden boy. Now let's get down to business. A little birdie told me that you asked Rachel to marry you."

"Who told you that? I told her not to tell anyone until she decides." Finn was beginning to sound angry.

"Shut up and listen to what Snix has to say. Rachel is way out of your league, Frankenteen. Even I know that. All you're gonna do is drag her down with your complete lack of knowledge of anything other than how to throw tantrums like a stroppy three year old when you don't get your way. Maybe Rachel wants better than someone who legitimately believed that his girlfriend was the next Virgin Mary, impregnated by making out in a hot tub. Someone who wouldn't just dump her 'to find his inner rockstar' whatever the hell that means, then later rant about how she cares more about her popularity than him. Maybe, Rachel wants a boyfriend who doesn't constantly feed her meat because he forgets she's a vegan and then lies to her about it. Then you lost us nationals because you couldn't keep it in your pants for five whole minutes. I'm sorry that you don't realise that the midget is 1 billion times more talented than you in her little finger alone. I'm sorry that you dance like a fish trying to flap its way back to the sea and you sing like a cat being ripped apart by a pack of hounds. She is months away from going to New York and achieving her dreams and now you're trying to cage her and keep her away from them. She deserves someone who is willing to go with her and support her, not a talentless Lima Loser like you who'll drag her back here before she even has a chance to be free. The best part about this is that because you outed me in front of everyone, I don't feel like I have to be a bitch for the sake of it anymore, so everything I'm saying not only comes from the heart, but is completely and utterly true. Now remove your fat ass from the room before I catch your stupid."

Finn was in a state of shock. He had never heard Santana rant quite like that; normally it was just snide comments every so often. The worst part was that she had a point. He left the choir room, still gaping at the viciousness of the Latina.

Santana smirked at the effectiveness of her verbal attack, and then rang her girlfriend.

"Stage one of operation Puckleberry 2.0, mission kill Finchel is complete. Stage two is a go, you take Berry, I'll take Puckerman. We meet up tomorrow to discuss our progress."

"Don't forget about our sweet lady kisses."

"I'll never forget about our sweet lady kisses, Britt."

Santana allowed herself to smile, really smile. As much as she had disliked Man Hands for years, Rachel really wasn't that bad. Sure, she was obnoxiously loud and annoying about her destiny of being on Broadway, but even Santana had to admit that she was talented. Plus she had never seen Puck quite as happy as he was when they were dating; her bro had even given up football for her. Plus Britt thought that Puckleberry was hot and when could Santana ever resist her puppy eyes. That girl would be her downfall.

"Santana..."

"Yes Britt."

"After we get Puckleberry back together, I have a new mission for us."

"And what is that new mission?" Santana sighed.

"I think that Lord and Lady Tubbington need marriage counselling."