The Day We Fell Apart

By: KellyCRocker59

Wow...this was really hard to write. I blame the tears I shed on Imogen Heap's song 'Hide and Seek', which was on repeat while I wrote this; I'm not that obsessive of a fanboy. Anyway, I hope this is good, though I can't say it is happy. Knowing that, enjoy! I'm not sure what I will follow this up with; I'm not sure how many more angst pieces I can handle.

Please review, I need them to live!

Holden couldn't really think back to when this began. He couldn't recall the moment when he had felt this…this force coming between Sean and himself, first pushing them onto separate pages and then suddenly it was as though they were on different planets. And Sean didn't even realize it.

They were living together; Holden had sold his apartment, and now if he wasn't away on business he was watching one of Sean's games on television. And maybe that's when it all started.

It was an unspoken rule, as much a part of their relationship as either one of them. Sean was in the closet, and he wasn't going to come out anytime soon. He had begun to worry about it all once Holden had moved in. Prior to them living together, he had shrugged off the thought of someone catching them together on a date when Holden brought it up, seeming to believe that Kara, his publicist, could explain it away. But now that they shared a home, if the paparazzi dug deep enough, there would be very few ways to get around it.

And so here Holden was, practically a prisoner within the confines of what was supposed to be their home. But now it just felt like he was a child who had been promised a new life, a new beginning, only to be abandoned to fend for himself, finding those promises empty and the new start to be a dead end. And Sean didn't even realize it.

Sean had all of his food delivered directly to the house, so there was no need to shop. A cleaner came by to take care of the clothes, and was given a hefty pay raise to keep quiet about the home's new addition. Anything else domestic was taken care of by someone other then the two people it should be handled by.

Sometimes, Holden felt like Sean's personal prostitute, almost all of the other workers that came and went. Sean would be too tired nights on end to show him any real affection besides pulling him in close when they slept. And then even that ended; it was too hard for Holden not to say something about the rift between them when he had to feel Sean's touch, and he thought that if he waited until the end of football season, then Sean wouldn't have to stress about it while he was playing.

This had been going on for months, this gradual descent into loneliness. And Holden didn't know if he could handle it. He didn't know if he could take this, no matter how much he loved Sean. He understood that the other male was tired every night, he understood how physically demanding a sport as a profession could be, and he even understood why Sean would want to stay in the closet. But selfishness was beginning to take over. He wanted Sean, all of Sean. Isn't that what you should get from being in love; first on the list of priorities? Maybe Sean didn't realize that this was a serious relationship.

One of the largest parts of being in a relationship was telling people. And yet, with the exception of Kara, Sean had skipped that step. So here they were, nearly a year and a half into their relationship, and it was as though they were back to the start; Holden didn't know anything about Sean's personal life anymore, and Sean didn't know anything about Holden's. And that was because all communication was restricted to the four walls Holden found himself alone within most hours of the day. And Sean didn't even realize it.

Holden felt like a monster had taken over inside of him. It had started small, like a little voice in his head. And then it started to build and build until finally it pulsed through him like an overwhelming second half of his normally docile personality. It told him that he was better then this, better then having to just sit and wait for Sean to realize what he was doing to him. It told him that things weren't going to change unless he did it himself.

So here he stood, bags packed, his heart racing. He had sat patiently, waiting for Sean to get home from practice, and when he heard the other male's vehicle pull into the driveway he couldn't help but stand. He couldn't change his mind now, and the closer he was to the door, the easier it would be to get out.

The door opened, revealing a weary-looking Sean, dressed simply in a white t-shirt and shorts. He just stood there, attempting to give Holden the smile that he gave him every night, and then his eyes focused in on the scene before him. He looked at Holden, really looked at him, with the distant expression on his face. And then he looked at the bags in his hands.

"Holden, what…are you going on a trip?" He asked, confused.

"I can't do this anymore, Sean." He said, trying as hard as he could to not look right into the other male's eyes. If he did, he would crumble. He was stronger then that.

"Do what? What's going on?"

Sean's voice was now laced with worry, and he was stepping forward, toward Holden.

"I'm leaving, Sean. I'm…I'm moving out." Holden continued, side stepping the other male.

"Why?"

"I…feel this distance between us. We haven't been together for a while, Sean. I've been playing wife to your working man. I've taken you being tired, and you not wanting to be seen with me in public, and I've tried to understand. But you don't love me Sean, not like I love you."

"Of course I do, Holden! I love you, more then I've ever loved anyone!" Sean exclaimed, seeming to now fully comprehend what was happening.

"If you really love me, you what you need to do." Holden said, and he was walking out the door, forcing his way past Sean when he tried to stop him.

"Holden, don't leave! I…I'll do anything, just don't leave me alone!" Sean yelled, following him onto the sidewalk that led to the driveway.

Then, he grabbed Holden's arms, and he was forced to stop, the other male's strength greater then his own. Sean turned him around, and Holden forced his eyes downward, away from Sean's searching ones.

"Holden, please, just tell what you want from me, and I'll do it…I can't live without you."

"Yes you can; you've been doing it for almost four months now." Holden replied, looking up at Sean to get his point across and then finding their eyes locked in each other's gaze.

He fell apart. Sean's eyes were swelled with tears, filled with a brokenness that Holden had never seen before in them. And he felt tears slipping down his cheeks before he could stop them. He rubbed at them angrily with his elbow; he had been so strong until that point. But he had to keep going. He pulled away from Sean's grip, walking away toward his car again, which he had pulled out from the garage earlier.

"Holden, please!" Sean begged as Holden threw his bags into the back seat.

"If you love me, you'll know what to do." Holden said one last time, and then he was in the vehicle, driving away, leaving the only person he thought he could ever love at the only home he ever thought he could live in for the rest of his life.

This had been coming for a while, but this was the day they fell apart.