A/N: I don't own "Star Wars."

This story was written years ago, during a long weekend when I was in high school, and very bored. Now in my twenties, I'm updating all of fanfictions, with better proofreading and new details.

I am NOT a sports fan, and do not know much about baseball. (I referred to how-to websites for rules on how the game works.) However, I enjoy being in baseball *stadiums,* and that, more than the game itself, is what this fic is about. Enjoy.

THE UMPIRE STRIKES BACK

The explosive screams tested the eardrums of any fan who hadn't come to the Death Ball Stadium pre-drunk. Adults and children of all species waved their baseball caps (bearing either the ax-like Rebel symbol of the Milwaukee Jedi, or the round gray symbol of the Chicago Siths), and their Styrofoam light sabers with THE FORCE IS WITH US or DARK SIDE logos, yelling for the game to start.

From the announcer box, the commentator tugged nervously at his cape collar, and cleared his throat. "Everyone, uh, this is your commentator Lando Calrissian." The violent tension was rising among the hundreds of humans, Wookies, Sandpeople, Klingons, Crab People, Smurfs, teenagers, and other creatures in the bleachers. "It'll be another minute or so until our visiting team gets here, so, so how about another relay race! Any Ewoks in this stadium? Come on up and pick out a pod racer!"

Lando ducked as a round of blaster lasers and sloppy food came flying in through his window.

"Man, they are gonna start eating each other!" he hisses to his mouse-like sound operator. "When are those blasted Siths going to get here?"

Down below, the race had begun, though few were watching it. Of the Ewoks who'd actually grasped that they were supposed to be racing around the field—rather than spinning in a circle, or taking off Rodians' heads while exploring the bleachers—one had already crashed into a cell-phone billboard against the wall and exploded. The rest were speeding around the track, just barely hanging on with their furry front paws.

"…and it looks like Stripy here's our winner! How about a round of applause for the little guy, ain't those Ewoks just the cutest little things you ever-"

A pig-faced Sith-fan stood up and shot the winning Ewok dead with his blaster.

"Oh all right now that was uncalled for. Security!"

The fan hollered alien insults and made rude hand gestures at Lando, as two Storm Troopers dragged him out of the bleachers to be sucked into space. At the same time, another Trooper walked onto the field and gave Lando a good-news salute.

"Finally! And now Ladies and…things, our home team," Lando paused, until the roar of cheers died down, "…the Milwaukee Jedi!"

The alien band played that one sportsy song (does it even have a name?), and the Jedi jogged in proudly as Lando called their names.

"Obi Wan Kenobi! That's the young one from the prequels, ladies! Qui Gon Jinn! Master Yoda! Mace Windu! ….Sooome guy whose head looks like a banana! That blue lady—her name escapes me but she still rocks—and Princess Leia Organa!"

From one of the dark tunnels in the walls, the young blond batboy watched the team in awe. "I can't wait till I have enough experience to join the Jedi! I'm gonna be a great batter, just like my father!"

"And now for our visiting team." Lando put on a staged scowl. "The Chicago Siths!"

The large screen next to the scoreboard played a clip from the funniest film of all time.

"Bring out ye dead!" clink. "Bring out ye dead!" clink.

"Darth Maul! Darth Tyranus!" ("I'm not dead!" "You're not foolin' anyone, you know.") "Darth Vader! Lotta Darths. General Grievous- is he a Jedi? The heck's he doing here? And Mara Jade! Boy she looks pissed."

A bent old creep in a black cloak floated across the field, on an anti-grav throne.

"And our Umpire, Darth Sidius."

Princess Leia groaned. "That Sidius geezer is so biased. We might as well forfeit now and call it a game!"

"I don't trust him." Windu agreed, watching the Umpire with folded arms.

The band sang a drawn out, off-key version of the American National Anthem (even though the U.S. was lighters away). Then the Evil Umpire flipped a coin, waving his hand to make it land on heads. Qui Gon interfered, and for a tense six minutes it somersaulted around the field like a fish out of water, until a fan finally hollered, "It's tails! Go!"

The blond batboy was still gawking at the pros when his uncle and boss hissed, "Luke! How about them getting' them bats 'n baseball!"

"Sorry Uncle Owen, I was distracted!"

Luke rushed to the mound and handed Leia a metal handle, then tosses the standard Thermal Detonator to the pitcher Yoda. (This slightly dangerous ball was why helmets were required). Leia ignited her fiery blue bat, hit the ball on the first try, and ran! People cheered her on and booed her as she passed 1st base…2nd…3rd…

She was yards away from Home Plate when Darth Vader made the cheapest move. Flicking his hand, he used the Force to yank out one of her hairpins. One of her spiral braids unravels, and Leia's legs got tangled in her own Rupunzle hair. She screamed and the audience gasped as she tumbled neck-first into the wall. The rest of her upside-down body splashed in the mud.

Medical droids quickly took Leia out on an anti-gravity sled. Darth Sidius turned on the microphone on his chair arm. "The Jedi have until the Second Inning to find a replacement, or I shall assign one to them."

Jedi fans hollered angrily and threw various objects at him. The Umpire lazily deflected all of it with bolts of lightning.

Obi Wan shook his head. "That girl was our last hope."

"No." Master Yoda said. "There is another."