Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf or any of the characters, but if I did there would be a lot more episodes like this fic...
It's post series eight. The posse have escaped Red Dwarf and are back to life on board Starbug. It's New Years, a certain Ace Rimmer has dropped in for a visit and Lister is feeling depressed...
Lister and Ace sat side by side on the sofa in the officer's club with a three-quarters empty whisky bottle between them. Some sad looking decorations hung limply from the ceiling, an attempt to see in the New Year in style. Lister and Ace weren't as drunk as they could have been under the circumstances but if you looked closely, you could detect a slight sway when they tried to sit upright that indicated where most of that missing whisky had gone. To be fair, Lister had drunk most of it, although Ace had put away a few glasses too. "Only ones left." Lister remarked morosely, "Daft smeggers can't hack their booze." Rimmer had slunk off in a sulk fairly soon after midnight, annoyed at the attention Ace was receiving and Kryten had followed soon after so that he could prepare for the clean-up operation in the morning. Kriss had made a tactful exit once the boys had started getting rowdy and the Cat, although he'd done his best, had also disappeared after spilling his drink down his suit.
So that just left the two of them, tipsy and slightly depressed, to carry on the party. "We're the last of a dying breed, Davey-boy." Ace agreed, raising his glass.
"The last of a dead breed." Lister reminded him, foregoing the glass and just swigging straight from the bottle. "Just us; all alone to carry on the traditions of our spee...spee...speeshees. Like getting hammered on New Year's Eve." He said sadly. Ace looked at his watch, "New Year's Day." He corrected him.
"Oh, sod off. And why are you still talking like Ace? Everyone's gone to bed."
"I have to practise all the time or I lose it." Rimmer admitted.
"Anyway," Lister ignored him, "Is all crap. Don't know why we even bothered having a party in the first place."
"At least we're having fun." Rimmer said loyally.
"Hah!" Lister snorted. "It's New Year and the only woman in the universe has gone to bed early! Everyone should be able to get a snog on New Years at least! But no! I ask you, what's the smegging point?"
"Well, you're a barrel of laughs tonight." Rimmer remarked, "Not your usual sunny self at all, my old bean. Makes me wish I'd stayed on Argon 5 and not bothered coming to find you chaps to see in the New Year."
"Why did you?" Lister asked. "I mean, come on, really. Why'd you go through all that palaver just to come to a party on the grottiest ship in infinity?"
Rimmer shot him a look, "Just felt like it, that's all. Thought I might cheer you all up a bit."
"You jumped through six dimensions and traversed half the galaxy just to 'cheer us up a bit'?" Lister asked sceptically.
"Well, that's just the sort of bloke I am now, don't you know." Rimmer said. Lister raised his eyebrows, "What a guy." He said sarcastically.
"Leave off, Lister. You know I hate that. Truth is I kind of missed you chaps. It can be lonely work being a hero, you know."
"I thought you had women all over you now."
"I do, but they don't exactly last long. I can't take them adventuring with me because it just puts them in danger. All the bad guys try and use them to trap me and stuff. Just have to love 'em and leave 'em I'm afraid."
"You utter arsehole." Lister said bitterly.
"Alright, alright." Rimmer sighed, "I'm lying. I haven't had much luck with the ladies since I became Ace. They all seem to be spoken for."
Lister snorted a laugh, "Ain't that just typical," he said, taking another swig from the bottle. "I could have been Ace, you know. I bet there's a whole load of universes with Ace Listers, just we've never found 'em. And I bet I look much better in those trousers than you do." He flopped down across the table, one arm still sternly waving the bottle, "Betcha million dollar pounds."
"Listy, I'm sure that if ever there was an ass that would look better than mine in these trousers it would be yours. Now put the bottle down, you're splashing me."
"Yeah, yeah," Lister muttered, but he put the bottle down on the table and was vaguely surprised when it stayed upright.
Rimmer rubbed his back gently, "You're ratted, me old chum. You want to go to bed?"
"Is that an offer?" Lister asked playfully. Rimmer smiled,
"You really are desperate aren't you?"
"Right now, man, I think I'd be tempted to bugger a hedgehog if I could get it to stay still long enough."
"Don't be daft, Listy. The hedgehog can't be buggered. It's a well known fact. I think there's a song about it..."
"Well, then the hedgehog could bugger me. S'only fair," Lister remarked defiantly.
"Right now, Listy, I think I could probably bugger you and you'd be too pissed to notice."
"Be my guest," Lister said miserably, "It's the best offer I'm likely to get tonight. Who'm I kidding? It's the best offer I'm likely to get the rest of my life! Hah! That would show Kriss! I don't need her!"
"You're actually serious, aren't you?" Rimmer said, astounded. Lister sat up and looked at him. "Well..." he said, smiling wickedly, "Why not? After all, it's not like you're doing much better, is it? We could kill two birds with one stone as it were. You can look on it as practise for when the girls finally start rolling in and you need to perform your duty as Ace. Let's face it, you haven't got much to go on."
"Practising on you would be a bit redundant though," Rimmer smiled, "Boys and girls have different bits."
"We could pretend," Lister said brightly, "And anyway, I've got a few little secrets I could demonstrate to you that work just as well on boys and girls..." he promised, his eyes sparkling.
Despite himself, Rimmer was intrigued; "Like what?!"
"Only one way to find out," Lister smiled. He put his head against Rimmer's shoulder and looked up at him, teasingly, "Aren't you curious, Ace?"
"David Lister, are you trying to seduce me?" Rimmer asked, mock-scolding.
"Do you want me to?" Lister replied. He reached up and, with one fingertip, stroked gently behind Rimmer's ear. Rimmer gasped and shivered. Lister smiled impishly, "One of the male erogenous zones that not many people know about," he explained; "And that's not the only one."
"How do you know all this?"
"One of my ex-girlfriends was a sex therapist," Lister told him, "She taught me some stuff you wouldn't believe. Just ask Kriss. She might not be interested now she's got her 'new improved' Dave with added sensitivity, but even she'll tell you I was the best lover she ever had."
"Is that so?" Rimmer smiled. Lister raised his eyebrows.
He ran his lips lightly along the side of Rimmer's neck until he found the point he was looking for and then sucked slowly, his tongue flicking steadily against Rimmer's pulse. Rimmer actually jerked in his seat, "Ah!" Lister drew back smiling triumphantly. He hadn't even left a mark. "You see?" he said smugly.
"Okay, okay, I believe you!" Rimmer reached up to touch the tingling patch on his neck, "Christ..."
"Come on," Lister took his hand, "Come with me and I'll teach you everything I know. Those girls won't know what's hit 'em." He squeezed his hand gently, "And neither will you."
Rimmer found himself leaning in towards him, "I suppose," he said softly, "It would certainly be the best way to see in the New Year with style."
"The very best," Lister replied, reaching out to gently touch his face, "I can promise you that." They were close now, so very close... "It seems a shame," Rimmer whispered, "If I'd known you could do all this stuff, I never would have left." They kissed, slowly and deeply and the heat started to grow, the flames rising. When their lips finally parted, it took a moment for Lister to open his eyes again. "If I'd known you could kiss like that," he whispered back, "I wouldn't have let you."........
A/N: Did anybody spot the Pratchett reference? I didn't plan it; it just turned up of its own accord in their conversation and it seemed to fit, so I left it in. I should probably add in addition to the previous disclaimer that I do not own 'The Hedgehog Song' or Discworld, although I love both dearly.