"If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth….Besides, I'm not going to tell you my whole goddamn autobiography or anything. I'll just tell you about this madman stuff that happened to me around last Christmas…" -The Catcher in the Rye
Chapter One-The Wrath of Walburga Black
If I had known how much trouble I was going to be in for hexing Regulus, I probably wouldn't have done it.
On second thought, maybe I still would have. All I know is that if there is a proper place for this story to start, it would be there.
Regulus was a gormless bastard. He had always been so. See, when my parents had him, they put all their efforts into brainwashing him from the start. Already at 3 years old I was too rebellious for my own good as a Black. They were already getting frightened by my behavior and so they started using me as an example of "what could happen to their child". They brainwashed the little prince from the start.
When he had been born I had honestly been really excited. I had always wanted to be a brother, but a few short years showed that Regulus not only enjoyed my parent's attention, but played off of it at my expense.
At any rate, this is where the story starts…Christmas break of my 6th year of Hogwarts. My parents had made me come home and let me tell you I was miserable. I hated our house. It was cold and gloomy, there were elf heads hanging in the hall, dark, ornate chandeliers, creepy rooms that you could walk into and would never come out again from in one piece, Kreacher… our family's sickening obedient house elf - and of course my insane family.
Since I had arrived on the train station of Platform 9 ¾ I had been doing nothing but brooding. I'm the king of brooding by the way. When I'm mad I can shoot such a nasty look to people-it makes them back off and leave me alone, which is a good thing sometimes for when you want a little piece of mind or whatever.
At any rate, since the bloody train station I had the nastiest look on my face, and had avoided all contact and conversation with my family by staying up in my room for several days. But one day, about a week from Christmas, I crept out to sneak into the kitchens for a bite to eat. Luckily I avoided Kreacher who from the sounds of it was getting scolded by mother for serving her lukewarm tea.
It was on the way back however when the disaster sprung. Regulus was walking in the hall, right in my direction.
He ignored me at home and school most of the time. At 13 years old he acted as though he owned the place. He walked around, his nose in the air-sneering down at everyone-including his older brother.
Well what would you have done? The opportunity was perfect. I stuck my foot out as he passed me and he tripped flat on his face.
I laughed softly to myself as I kept striding on down the hall.
"You think you're so tough don't you?" Regulus spat as he scrambled to his feet behind me.
I stopped and turned around. "Are we comparing me to you? Because in that case yes, Regulus because anything is tougher then you."
Regulus sneered at me, obviously trying to bide time in order to think of a good comeback. I was not only the king of brooding, but also the king of comebacks…it might not always be a good one, but at least I could throw something at someone within the blink of an eye. Living in the Black house I learned quickly that the best way to spar with someone is to toughen up verbally.
"If you're so tough then why do you mope around the house all the time? Do you miss your friends?" He said the last part of it in an irritating, sing-song baby voice.
"I mope around the house because your ugly face is under the same roof I am, and if that's not enough for someone to want to kill themselves then I don't know what is." I snarled.
Regulus looked at me smugly. "That's not my face Sirius-you've just caught your own reflection in the mirror again."
"You goddamn idiotic git." I said loudly. I was pissed now-this is why I had been so mad over coming home. Shit like this seemed to happen all the time here and I felt lousy enough without Regulus's stupid comments.
A sly smile spread across Regulus's face. He knew he had gotten to me. "If it really bothers you that badly, perhaps you'll feel better if you write a letter to your mudblood loving friends."
He had crossed the forbidden line. Enraged I whipped out my wand and shouted, "Fuscigorus!"
Regulus had his wand out too in a flash, "Protego!" he bellowed.
The spell rebounded and I jumped to the side to avoid it. It was a pity that Regulus had defended himself so quickly. I so desperately wanted to see him covered in yellow pus. "Conjuctivus!"
Regulus sent a backfiring jinx back at me and I set up a shield charm which caused the spell to rebound and smash into one of the many portraits on the wall, this one of my stern-faced great grandmother: Violetta Bulstrode who gave a loud shriek as she fell over backwards out of the frame.
"Petrificus totalus!" Regulus cried waving his wand furiously at me.
"Oh come on!" I laughed loudly as I deflected it. "Is that the best you can do?"
"Stupefy!" Regulus yelled.
"Relashio!" I retorted. The two spells met in midair, mine sending sparks, and ricocheted, sending more shrieks of fear from the portraits.
"Incendio!" Regulus said. To be perfectly honest, I was amazed he even knew that spell. I suppose one of his older, nasty Slytherin friends taught it to him.
Blue flames licked me on all sides but my surprise was short-lived. I quickly used a flame-freezing charm and stepped out of the flames to an off-guard Regulus.
"Furnunculus!" I said lazily.
Angry, pus filled boils sprang up all over Regulus. He let out a cry of pain and waved his wand at me furiously.
"Expelliarmus." I sighed and his wand flew out of his hand. He spun around ready to run and get it until I waved my wand again.
"Impedimenta."
Regulus struggled in vain to keep moving but looked as though he were being dragged down by invisible ropes.
"Who's got the ugly face now?" I asked coolly as I walked over to him and stood nearby watching his struggle in amusement.
"You…bastard!" he snarled.
I smiled. "I could say the same of you…I suppose that's the one thing we'll actually both have in common."
I raised my wand again, ready to hit him with another good hex when suddenly I felt myself thrown up against the wall by another spell.
I looked about half-stunned and in confusion until I saw to my dismay, my mother- Walburga Black standing in the middle of the shadowy hall, wand out, looking livid.
"Mum!" Regulus gasped from the floor.
She looked down at him, her pale thin face emotionless. She looked around the hall at the damaged portraits and then right at me. "What…" she hissed, her narrowed eyes-daggers. "is going on here?"
I knew what Regulus was going to say as soon as he could-blame it on me and so I let him out of bored laziness because this certainly wasn't the first time something like this had happened.
"Sirius attacked me!" he exclaimed, his voice just the right note and tone…damn that kid was good. He could make his voice sound as if he were in much more pain than he actually was, he could look like he was fearful of his older brother standing over him and put up a very good show of total innocence.
He always fooled everyone…my parents, always…but never me. I knew exactly how he was going to act and behave each time…which route he would take to get out of trouble today? Would it be the brave little martyr this time? Or perhaps the ashamed equal? Either way, he still got off clean each time, it disgusted me, and it was always my hide that was in danger.
My mother did not react to this statement...she obviously had expected it. She continued to stare at me as if I were a disgusting, filthy insect…or like a venomous slug. "Why did you attack your brother Sirius Orion Black?"
No, 'is that true Sirius?' or 'would you care to explain that, Sirius?' She had never done that before so it wasn't like she was going to now. This was one of the other things that made me so angry in this house. The injustice of asking Regulus and taking his word against mine without even caring if I had a different opinion drove me mad.
"Because he's a spineless little git." I said irritably.
My mother's eyes flashed dangerously. "What did you say?"
"MY…BROTHER…IS...A…SPINELESS…GIT!" I bellowed as if I were talking to a deaf person.
My mother slashed her wand through the air and I felt as if I had been knocked over the head with a club. I tottered about unsteadily-the breath from my lungs gone- and collapsed against the wall in a crumpled heap.
"DON'T YOU DARE EVER USE THAT TONE OF VOICE AGAIN WITH ME YOUNG MAN!" my mother shrieked. If there was one thing I had in common with that bitch it was that we both had very short and terrible tempers.
There was a shuffling noise nearby as Kreacher arrived on the scene, peering out at me from behind the folds of my mother's black dress. He gave a crooked smile, he loved watching me get bullied by mother since she bullied him the rest of the time.
Regulus stumbled to his feet and my mother glanced at his face carelessly. "Go upstairs darling and see your father." She commanded him in a voice as cold as ice.
Regulus knew when an explosion was about to take place, I'll give him that much. He hurried down the hall and up the dark stairs without another word or glance at me.
My Mother stood there opposite me, breathing hard through her flared nostrils.
I said nothing but stared back at her, breathing heavily myself-hatred coursing through my veins at the very sight of her.
"You should be ashamed of yourself." My mother said angrily.
"I'm not." I said defiantly.
"He's younger brother, and you should set a good example in front of him."
"He doesn't give a rat's ass what I do, and besides, he's so messed up its not as though my influence would really help at this point."
"Where did you go so wrong?" my mother snarled. "Regulus turned out just fine-"
"According to your standards, Regulus would be fine-for everyone else, he's anything but."
"You are a Black!" my mother screeched. "Toujours pur! And yet you-"
"Don't give me that crap!" I shouted. "All that pureblood ramble! You want to know what I think? I think it's a pile of shit!"
My Mother let out an angry shriek and Kreacher flinched at her side. "All this would have been avoided if you had been sorted into Slytherin just like everyone else in the family! But you! You disgraced the family not only once by being sorted into the wrong house, but twice by befriending that vile Potter boy, the pureblood traitors!"
Now I was seething. "Don't you start on James!" I snarled.
"And his other little half-blood allies! How DARE you impugn our honourable name and the house of my fathers by associating yourself with them!"
"SHUT UP!" I bellowed.
"You've brought nothing but shame and dishonor to our family since you were born! You're brother is more a Black then you will ever be! You don't see HIM speaking to dirty mudbloods lovers or filthy half-bloods-"
"WILL YOU SHUT UP!" I roared.
"-those abominations of wizard-kind!"
"SHUT UP YOU BITCH!" I screamed.
My mother's clawed hand slashed through the air and hard across my face. Her long, painted nails were like talons as they raked my skin. I let out a yell of pain and shoved her away without thinking. She stumbled backwards-almost tripping over Kreacher. Her eyes were popping out of her pale face at this point and she looked utterly crazy. "YOU! YOU UNGRATEFUL LITLLE SWINE! WHERE DO YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!"
I began walking away from her- storming down the hall and up the stairs. My heart hammering furiously in my chest, red hot rage blinding me.
"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!" she screamed. "COME BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"
Ignore her….Ignore her…Ignore her…I told myself. But I had had enough of ignoring her. That's all I had ever done-ignore her. I rounded on her at the top of the stairs-possibly the first time in my whole goddamn life I had ever said what I wanted to say…
"I'm tired of being what you want me to be! I've had enough of you and your stupid pure-blood mania! You want me to be something that I'm not-and everything that I've ever done has just been one mistake after the other for you! Do you know what I want to be? I WANT TO BE MYSELF!"
My words rang loudly off the serpent-shaped candelabra and gas lamps down below and echoed about the ceiling.
"AND HERE'S THE THING-I DON'T CARE ANYMORE IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! YOU GODDAMN MANIACS JUST EXPECT ME ONE DAY TO BREAK UNDER ALL THE PRESSURE AND START CRAWLING-AND YOU KNOW WHAT?"
I could feel blood streaming down my face from where my mother's claws had slashed me. I felt wild, hysterical laugher coming upon me and my mother's furious, twisted face on the stairs below me threatened to drive me over the edge.
"I'M NOT GOING TO BREAK! NOT NOW! NOT EVER! EVER! DID YOU HEAR THAT? I'M NEVER GOING TO BREAK!"
My mother looked as if she were about to have a seizure. "So this is what has become of all our efforts!" she screeched, spit flying everywhere. "Do you think of yourself as a martyr for the mudbloods? Is that it?"
"Regulus is the little martyr, not me!" I said loudly. "You can get him to go die for you pureblood cause, because I'm not stupid enough to go get myself killed or broken by you lot."
As I stood there the laugher still rising inside of me-I realized that for the first time in my life I was truly happy, because I truly didn't care any longer what any of them said or did. I had, had enough at last.
The door to my Father's study opened up and his head popped out into the hallway. "What is going on out here?" he asked in a sharp voice.
"I'm just telling dear old mum here that I've had enough of this 'Most Noble and Ancient House of Black' shit."
"You watch your tongue young man." My father said angrily.
"I would if I still cared." I retorted. "As it is you can say or do what you want because it doesn't bother me anymore."
My Father looked at my mother, almost exasperated- "Walburga-what is going on now?"
"Sirius hexed Regulus-"
I burst out into barklike laughter which caused them both to look at me. "Oh so this is what it's all about still?" I asked. "Me hexing, that little whoreson? Merlin's beard, this is classic."
"HE IS UNCONTROLLABLE!" my mother screamed. "HE HAS HUMILIATED THIS FAMILY AND HIS WORTHLESS SKIN HAS BROUGHT NOTHING BUT MISERY AND SHAME!"
"Ah, it's good to feel so loved." I smiled sarcastically.
"HE REJECTS EVERYTHING OUR FAMILY BELIEVES IN, INCLUDING OUR BLOOD SUPREMACY!"
"WELL IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED-WE'RE NOT ROYAL! WE CAN ACT LIKE WE ALL HAVE CROWNS ON OUR HEADS BUT IT MEANS NOTHING!" I shouted. "WE JUST LOOK LIKE IDIOTS!"
"He denounces our very motto: Toujours pur!"
"'Always pure' my ass!"
"He will not accept his heritage or fate."
"People can make their own fates!" I pointed out. "Being born a Black doesn't seal you off in stone from the rest of the world, only you lot are too stupid to realize that!"
"Sirius Black let your mother speak!" my father roared looking real pissed off now.
My Mother glared at me, breathing hard. "All we tried to do for you was give you the best. What any good parent would want."
I said nothing but glared at her.
"You are the shame of my flesh…you are a failure to us."
My Father looked from my mother to me and said coldly, "Sirius-you're Mother is right. You do not try to apply yourself. You have resisted everything we have done to try and help you and you have disappointed us."
Help me? Ha, that was a laugh.
"Fine." I said calmly.
I had had enough of this Portlock crap. I was leaving. I was never coming back to Grimmauld Place for the rest of my goddamned life.
I turned on my heel and strode down the hall towards my room.
"NOT SO FAST!" My mother screeched. "DON'T YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM AND SULK!"
I threw open my door and slammed it shut behind me with such force, it rattled the pictures on the wall.
I turned my attention immediately to my trunk, still unpacked from school lying at the foot of my bed.
The door burst open behind me with a smash. "WHERE DO YOU GET SUCH INSOLENCE!" my mother screamed. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"
"Leaving." I hissed, as I began throwing some of the important stuff in my room into my open trunk.
My mother's mouth fell open. "WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY!"
"I'M LEAVING!" I bellowed. "SO GO THROW A PARTY! ALL I BRING IS 'MISERY AND SHAME' TO THE FAMILY RIGHT? SO WHATS THE BIG DEAL?"
"You just can't leave!" my Mother cried, clutching her heaving chest. "Where will you go? You have nowhere to go! You have…" she trailed off staring at me as if she had never seen me properly before. "Oh! You wouldn't! You dare not!"
"What?" I asked in exasperation, not even bothering to look at her as I began throwing in some more socks into my trunk.
"You dare not…go to that…blood traitor's house!" she gasped. "No! I won't stand for it!"
"If I do, it's no concern of yours." I spat.
"I FORBIDE YOU TO GO!" she cried.
I ignored her and kept packing. As I turned to grab by favorite dragon skin jacket off the closet door I caught my reflection in the mirror. It startled me. My face (which was still stinging something awful) was dripping with blood and it had now dripped onto my damn shirt. My face was grim and set and my eyes were blazing with a cold, icy grey fire.
Kreacher's snout like nose came around the corner and then the rest of the wrinkled elf appeared in the doorway. I had never seen him looking so happy in his entire life.
I slammed the lid shut on my trunk and went over to my bedside table and scooped up the little money that I had. My Mother was now ranting and raving, screaming so loudly, my ears hurt.
"SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF MY WAY!" I yelled as I grabbed the handle to my trunk and turned on her.
"IF YOU LEAVE, YOU'LL NEVER SET FOOT IN THIS HOUSE AGAIN!"
"Sounds good." I said savagely. "Now move."
"YOU'LL COME CRAWLING BACK HERE, BEGGING FOR FORGIVNESS!"
I'd sooner die before giving her that satisfaction…and I certainly would not be begging for forgiveness.
I pushed past her and began walking down the hall with my trunk. On the way down I passed my Father's study where the door was open. I looked inside and saw my Father sitting at his desk reading over some papers. That killed me. It really did. I'm running away from home and my old man is sitting there doing paperwork. He looked up at me with the quickest of glances, and then dropped his head again to read the papers. Behind him was that large fireplace with the Black family crest above it. I would never have to see those stupid rampant greyhounds again. Whenever I got into trouble with my Father and he used to shout at me from across that bloody desk-I'd stare at the greyhounds.
I continued walking down the hall. My Mother's screams had suddenly ceased and as I turned the corner I found out why. She was in the middle of the drawing room…on the far end of the wall.
"What the hell are you doing?" I asked her calmly, standing in the doorway.
She was standing in front of the old and faded family tapestry as if I might rush at her and attack it. "I am burning you off this tapestry for good." She hissed, looking at me with murder in her eyes. "I am disowning you…from this day on you are no son of mine."
Kreacher was by her side looking ecstatic.
I smiled sourly. "Brillant. Do you want me to help you do it? Because I gladly will."
We stood there eyes locked before she moved first…her wand out and moving over to the tapestry. I didn't feel like standing around and watching her burn my name off, I really didn't care if you wanted to know the truth.
I had almost reached the stairs when I heard a voice nearby.
"Sirius…" It was no louder than a whisper.
I looked about and then saw Regulus standing in the shadows. His face, which was now boils free- was wet with tears and his lower lip was trembling.
I had hated Regulus….Always hated him. We had never got along at all, not once-not ever. But for the first time it hit me hard that he was my brother. I don't know why it hit me then but as we stared at each other I felt something between us. I felt pity for him. He wasn't brave like me…he would never be brave like me and now that I thought about it we had the same qualities and characteristics…we were indeed more similar than we were different. Perhaps he didn't totally believe in all the pureblood mania like my parents did. Perhaps he had his doubts about it but if he did, it didn't matter. The one big thing that separated us was bravery. I had it, Regulus didn't. It made me sad in a way to think that Regulus could have been more like me if he had been given the guts.
I should have said something now that I look back on it. I should have invited him to come along or given him a speech about turning away from our parents, but I couldn't. One good feeling between us didn't make up for the years of animosity for me. Instead, I gave him one last look of sympathy before turning away and going down the stairs awkwardly dragging my trunk behind me.
I passed the many portraits on the hall who were all staring at me in disbelief. Some were muttering amongst themselves, some glared at me and one even yelled at me to stop. I bent down and picked up my fallen wand off the floor and then kept walking. It felt slightly surreal to be doing what I was. In no time at all I had reached the front door.
I stood there in the entrance hall-hardly believing what I was doing. The seconds lengthened as I took one last look around the house that I hated so passionately. And yet despite that all, I was half-crying. I don't even know why. I popped the collar on my dragon skin jacket and shouted at the top of my lungs,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS AND SEE YOU ALL IN HELL!"
My voice echoed loudly through the dark house and without a backwards glance I grabbed hold of my trunk and headed out the front door into the cold, winter night.