A Happy Birthday to the Kisarazu Twins, most adorable siblings in all of Tenipuri :3

We desire nothing so much as what we ought not to have. ~ Publilius Syrus

Today Ryou was grumpy. Not even the usual 'you are all so annoying, go away, but not really' grumpy, but the real kind of grumpy. The kind of grumpy that made Saeki grin and ask him if he was getting his period soon.

Saeki was stupid anyway, boys couldn't get their period after all. But then again Saeki had never been very good at biology, so Ryou supposed that would explain him being an idiot. But he still kicked him in the shin, just to make sure Saeki knew he was not forgiven.

That did not help his grumpiness though, because today reallyreally sucked; after all, Atsushi wasn't here. True enough, he hadn't been living in, or even visiting Chiba for almost half a year, what with being stolen away to that stupid Tokyo school and all, but the point was that he had not come home today.

Ryou glared at his racket. Ojii had made this one for him right when he had entered Rokkaku middle school, and his brother had received his own just a couple of weeks later. Of course Atsushi had insisted his racket was the better one, but Ryou (not so) politely disagreed. Now it just did not matter anymore. Atsushi had even left his racket back at home to collect dust when he left.

Today they usually would play a match with those rackets, not to see who was better, but to see who was allowed to open their present this year. Ryou had never lost to his brother, but still, they had always played for that since they had taken up tennis. But not today. Not this year. Ryou glared harder, turning the racket over in his hands; was almost tempted to toss it against the fence surrounding the courts and storm off. But he couldn't, because it was the racket Ojii had made for him, and he would not just throw a gift like that away. Even if he was angry.

Sure, he could just not have gone to practice today. Ken-chan had even offered to cover for him, because, as he had said with huge puppy eyes 'you should spend your birthday with your family, Ryou-chan!'. But the only family he wanted to celebrate his birthday with was not going to be home anyway. Besides, somehow there had still been just a little bit of hope in him that maybe Atsushi would turn up; after all he should remember their traditional tennis match.

But he hadn't.

He knew Saeki just wanted him to lighten up when he had made that stupid comment about having his period. He knew Davide wasn't trying to be mean when making a jab about Ryou looking girly enough for that. And he also knew the kick Bane delivered was supposed to get him to grin and chide him for it, rather than for shutting Davide up. But still, it did not help, because Tsushi. Was. Not. Here.

So, still grumpy (angry, disappointed?) Ryou challenged Ken-chan to a match, because that would at least be a good challenge.

He lost the match 7-5 when he overheard It-chan asking Saeki why he hadn't gone to visit Tsu-chan today.

-

Atsushi never went home the next four years, except for summer break. It wasn't like he did not want to, wasn't like he hadn't almost packed his stuff and left St. Rudolph more than just once, but he couldn't, for two very simple reasons.

Or, well, at least one of them was simple, because there was Mizuki. Mizuki was, in fact, plain annoying (creepy, persistent?).

First he got him mixed up with Ryou, then he acted as if it were Atsushi's fault and actually chopped his hair off. It wasn't as if he was to blame if Mizuki was too stupid to see the differences between them.

Then he actually had the nerve to tell them they couldn't go home during the term, because they needed practice sessions every day, after all, if they wanted to take the Nationals. And after getting beaten at the Prefecturals Mizuki insisted they practice even more, so they could make the high school team later.

And in the end he had even forbidden him to visit home during his birthday, he could 'celebrate in the dorms after all, nfu~'. Of course, he could still have gone home, but he really did not want to risk being on the receiving end of Mizuki's wrath.

Atsushi would have liked to transfer back to Chiba for his high school years. But then again he couldn't, for his second reason. The more important reason. Because his brother was in Chiba, and the whole point of actually agreeing to attend St. Rudolph had been to avoid his brother. It wasn't that he didn't love him. Actually, the thing was that he did love him, a little too much. So much he had constantly wanted to reach out and touch him, hug him, kiss him, while he was still living in Chiba.

At the age of fourteen Atsushi had run away from his feelings. Now, four years later, he thought he probably had done the entirely wrong thing in trying to escape.

-

His brother's graduation ceremony felt strange to Ryou. His own one back in Chiba had been a couple of days earlier, so he had been able to come to St. Rudolph, but he was not sure it had been a very good idea. Atsushi was acting so strange towards him, which wasn't very strange in itself, as they had been avoiding each other ever since his twin had left for the catholic school. But right now he wasn't even looking at him. Having received his certificate Atsushi had walked straight past him, sitting on the other side of their parents.

It hurt, almost as much as it had when his twin had decided to leave. Back then he had buried his hurt in anger, even snapping at It-chan sometimes, but now he could not do that anymore. Atsushi was coming home for university, and they would have to deal with it if they were living under the same roof again. Ryou knew, they needed to talk, but it was so much easier to just hide his feelings behind a façade. Now that was impossible. Atsushi would sense his need to talk, and even four years apart could not sever that bond they had.

Ryou did not want it severed.

While, initially he had thought his brother had left for the tennis, he was not so sure any longer. Atsushi had not even played anymore during his last year in high school, and he still had not come home. He still had not talked to him. What was it that kept his twin away? He could not remember having done anything to justify this; they had always been Rokkaku's dream team, hadn't they?

Ryou blinked, suddenly snapped out of those thoughts by his father's voice.

"It's time to leave."

As he grabbed his jacket, he noted how Atsushi made a point to not even brush him when he walked past, smiling wistfully. Even simple contact was too much now, huh?

The ride home was silent.

-

The longer he stayed quiet the more Atsushi could feel his brother getting annoyed. It had been almost two weeks already, and with winter being just around the corner he couldn't very well go to the beach to escape. Because that was what he had been doing all those years, running away.

He had thought it would help, had thought it would make those stupid, unbidden feelings disappear over time. But he had been wrong. All those years, and his feelings still were as strong as ever. Stronger, even, he thought, because every time he noticed Ryou frown at him, or pout at his continued refusal to just talk, all he wanted to do was hug him, kiss the unhappiness right off his face.

Atsushi knew Ryou wanted to talk. He could feel it, almost as if it was his brother himself coming up to him, demanding to be told what was wrong. And not just that, he could feel how much he was hurting his brother, keeping his sentiments to himself.

In the end there was no way around it, he had to tell him.

Atsushi sighed as yet another glance passed between them, never to be mentioned. He was not sure how Ryou was going to take it, if he was going to be utterly disgusted. Or maybe, if Atsushi was lucky, he would understand. He would not push him away, instead tell him that it was fine. Or maybe he would even...

Atsushi licked his lips nervously. No, he shouldn't even think about that. He groaned mentally, just the thought of his brother liking him back... no. Except he couldn't help but wish, hope it was not just him. He knew how much leaving had hurt Ryou; Sae had told him all about it. But did that really tell anything about his twin having those kind of feelings?

After all, there had been girlfriends. Or at least supposed girlfriends, his mother had been the only one ever talking about them. Whenever he had asked Sae about how his brother was he had never mentioned any girls. It had always made him suspicious that perhaps Ryou just introduced those girls to their mother to keep her quiet. Still, he couldn't help but feel jealous. He was the one who was supposed to be by Ryou's side, not some stupid girl with stupid hair and a stupid giggle – but he had left. His own fault, and he could do nothing about it.

"I'm going to shower." A sharp glare and a loud bang as his brother pulled the door shut behind him with more force than was necessary.

He would tell him. On their birthday, he would tell him. Because their parents had promised to leave on that day, in case they wanted to have a party.

He would have time to talk, then.

-

A month and a half. Ryou rubbed at his eyes, staring at the ceiling. A month and a half and Atsushi still hadn't spoken to him any more than necessary. Today was their birthday, and despite all of his protests (subtle as they were, he did not want them to suspect) their parents had insisted on going out to visit friends, so they, in turn could have friends over, if they wanted. But Ryou did not want a stupid party. Neither did he want to stay alone with a brother who was not talking to him.

Before he had been angry (moody, upset?) that he never got to see his twin on their birthday. Now he almost wanted to cry because he was there. Because it hurt so much to look at the Atsushi who could not love him as much as he did. That much Ryou understood, he loved his brother more than anything in the world.

He almost wished he had invited Sae here after all, the one person he had always been able to confide in, who had been there for him when Atsushi had left. Sae had laughed at him, had been a major pain in the ass, but still, he had understood the pain of being left behind. If Sae was here then his birthday would not feel quite as horrid, maybe.

Ryou frowned as Atsushi entered the room, quickly busying himself with looking Not Quite So Sullen. There was no need to let his brother know what he had been brooding about, although it was more than likely he could feel it anyway. Atsushi always knew what he felt.

No, that was not true, was it? Because if he did then he wouldn't have left to St. Rudolph, he wouldn't…

"We need to talk."

Ryou blinked at the words. It was the first time the other had actually properly addressed him since he came home, the first time Atsushi was looking right at him.

"You came to that conclusion now? When did your brain return?"

The comment held more malice than Ryou actually felt. He was relieved, happy his twin finally saw reason. But still, the anger was there. If Atsushi knew they had to talk, then why didn't he say something sooner? Why did he keep avoiding him?

"I'm serious, Ryou."

The mattress shifted under him when his brother sat down, though Ryou's eyes refused to leave the ceiling. Atsushi was probably fiddling with his silly headband now, he could feel the nervousness radiating from him.

"So you finally want to tell me why you never came home? Why you never bothered to call me, never wrote, never even answered my emails? Why you refuse to look at me, talk to me?"

His tone was pleasant, but there was still anger radiating from it. Pent-up frustration that he had never let out in all those years.

"Or maybe you would like to tell me why you left in the first pla—"

"Shut up."

Whatever answer Ryou had been expecting, it wasn't such a crude order. His lips curled upward into a tiny smile, despite the urge to just yell at his brother in anger.

"Why should I? You won't talk to me anyway, and someone has to be the one to—"

"I said shut up."

Ryou blinked, his smile fading quickly at the intense stare his brother was pinning him down with. He had never seen Atsushi look at him like that. Eyes full of sorrow, pain… and something entirely else that made him lick his lips nervously. Right now he could not read his twin at all.

"I never meant to hurt you."

The words were muttered low, Ryou almost did not catch them, even with Atsushi being so close.

"Yeah well, but you did a damn fine job—"

"I didn't… I'm sorry."

"…then why did you leave?"

Ryou had spoken softly, but in the silence that followed the words still seemed too loud. He could feel his heartbeat going fast, hear the blood rushing in his ears as Atsushi leaned down.

"Because…"

He almost held his breath, the sudden closeness making his head spin. Had he always felt like that when Atsushi was near? He couldn't remember, it had been so long. But still, it would explain the hurt. Would explain why he longed for his brother to be there so much.

"…I was scared you would hate me for this."

Those last few words were but a whisper, and then Atsushi's lips were on his own, soft, innocent, lingering only for a short moment before his brother pulled away again, only a small gap between them.

Ryou's mind was reeling, his mouth still tingling from the brief moment their lips had brushed, but then his eyes met a pair mirroring his, confusion, fear, anticipation clear in them. And he knew it was alright. Because Atsushi was still his twin, his other half, and one could not be without the other.

He knew this, and his brother knew it.

"Happy Birthday."

There was something pure about their second kiss, although the kiss itself was nothing such. A contract being sealed, a promise made, never to be without the other again, never to leave.

They shouldn't. Should not, were not allowed to, because morale told them so.

Still their hearts, beating as one, said otherwise.