Thank you all SO much for all of your reviews on my other fics. I really do appreciate it. I was on a bit of a hiatus for a while, but I'm back now and will hopefully be posting more often. I'd like to dedicate this to all you who reviewed and pm'd. Thank you, lovies!

Nex, Mea Culpa

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A week after the team was back together Tony got into a heated argument with a kid from the mail room that left Tony with a bruised jaw. Gibbs had broken up the fight before Tony could land any punches and managed to keep the director from hearing about it. When Gibbs confronted Tony about the incident after convincing the kid from the mail room not to file an internal complaint (and giving Tony his usual head slap), the younger agent didn't have an explanation for his behavior. He simply averted his eyes and shrugged his shoulders and claimed it was nothing to worry about.

Hours later, when the team had been called back to the office after leaving for the day, Tony was sporting a black eye and incongruous stories to explain where he got it. He told Ziva he'd taken up cage fighting and McGee that he'd been trying some good old kama sutra with some chick he picked up the night before. When Gibbs shot him his patented look, Tony remained elusive and claimed he tripped and knocked into a shelf on his way out the door. The urgency of the case forced Gibbs to leave it at that, but he kept a closer eye on the young man and made a mental note to sort things out once they caught their bad guy.

Days later, before Tony's eye even had a chance to heal, a suspect in a murder case punched Tony from across the table in the interrogation room. Gibbs had been watching from the other side of the glass and hurried into the room when he realized that Tony wasn't fighting back. After pulling the large man off of Tony and shoving him into the hands of another agent, Gibbs hauled Tony off the floor and inspected his bleeding nose.

"Go see Ducky" Gibbs said, hoping Tony's nose wasn't broke. He wanted to ask Tony why he had just let a suspect pummel him, but it wasn't the time.

"I'm fine, boss" Tony replied as he wiped blood on his sleeve.

"That wasn't a suggestion, DiNozzo" Tony stared at Gibbs for a moment before exiting the room. Gibbs sighed and ran a hand through his short hair, wondering what the hell was up with his senior agent.

Ducky had confirmed that Tony's nose was indeed not broken and was about to launch into a lavish story about how he nearly broke his nose as boy, but the phone rang and the older man hurried to answer it. Tony was left with Palmer, who wanted to know what had happened. Tony, in turn, replied with some not so nice words and personal insults that left Palmer confused. Palmer took the hint to take a hike and busied himself with organizing some files, but Tony continued his string of insults. Palmer was getting defensive and when Tony shoved him, he was ready to take a swing at the agent, but before the young man had a chance to retaliate, Ducky had caught on to the commotion and approached the pair.

"Anthony DiNozzo!" Ducky yelled. "What on earth has gotten into you?"

"That's what I'd like to know" Gibbs growled as he walked in the door. He'd seen enough from his walk to the elevator to know that he needed to address Tony's behavior then and there.

"I don't know what his problem is. All I did was ask what happened and he started insulting me and pushing me" Palmer said defensively.

Gibbs gave Ducky a look to let him know he would take care of the situation.

"Ah, Mr. Palmer, I think we have some work to get back to" Ducky said as he returned to the body on the examining table.

Palmer stood with a confused look on his face.

"Some time today would be nice" Ducky tried again.

"Of course, Doctor Mallard" Palmer gave Tony one more confused look before joining Ducky.

Gibbs grabbed Tony by the arm and roughly guided him out of the room and into the restroom down the hall from autopsy, locking the door behind him.

"You want to explain what the hell is up with you lately?" Gibbs asked, his hand still tightly around Tony's bicep.

"Nothing, boss. The kid's annoying" Tony replied, resisting the urge to pull away.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs growled in that tone that gave Tony chills.

When his agent didn't respond, Gibbs pulled Tony closer and spoke in a tone that left no room for disagreement.

"I want to know why you seem hell bent on getting your ass kicked, Anthony, and I want to know. Right. Now. " Gibbs released the younger man and waited for an answer. Tony took a step back and swallowed hard, not seeing a way out of the situation without giving Gibbs what he wanted. He didn't want to tell the truth, it seemed so nonsensical when he had to explain his actions to someone else, but he couldn't think of any convincing lies.

"It just…helps… I guess"

"What helps?"

"The pain. Getting hit" He felt that horrible rush of embarrassment and anxiety that he always felt on those rare occasions that he admitted something personal. He wasn't big on sharing his feelings. Part of him wanted to explain his behavior to Gibbs, but another part of him was telling him he would regret it, unsure of how Gibbs would react. He felt like his relationship with his boss had changed after the former director's death and the months without the support of those closest to him had taken its toll. Their relationship had take three steps back at a time Tony needed it to go forward and the senior agent was left to deal with what happened the only way he knew how.

"What does that help, Tony?" Gibbs asked, although he already knew the answer. Tony was guilt ridden and it showed. As much as Gibbs wanted to think Tony was okay dealing with his emotions on his own, Tony's recent behavior suggested otherwise. When Tony hadn't come to him after returning to the team to talk about what happened, Gibbs wanted to give him his space. He was now regretting that decision, seeing that Tony was in so much pain that he needed to manifest it physically to deal with it.

"Don't make me say it" Tony said, the desperation and sadness in his voice scaring the older man. He couldn't bring himself to say what he believed was true. It was his fault that Jenny was dead. It was his fault that Gibbs no longer cared. It was his fault and he didn't deserve to have his old life back.

"It's not your fault" Gibbs stated simply. The words made Tony angry. He knew what Gibbs was trying to do. Make him believe that it wasn't his fault so he'd go back to being a good little agent. He couldn't accept that, he wouldn't.

"Tony. It's not your fault" Gibbs tried again.

"Don't do that! This isn't Good Will Hunting for god's sake! You can't just keep saying it's not my fault and make this all go away! " Tony yelled. It wasn't that easy and he wasn't going to let Gibbs manipulate him into believing otherwise.

"So how long is this going to go on?" Gibbs said calmly, hoping to calm Tony down by changing the subject. The last thing he wanted was to get in a shouting match with his agent.

"As long as it needs to" Tony replied with less volume and more resolve.

"Gonna have to disagree with that, Tony"

"Disagree all you want, boss, but I'm going to do what I need to" Tony said defiantly as he made a move for the door. He'd had enough of this. He didn't want to think about this anymore, but Gibbs was blocking the door.

"I'm not going to stand by and watch you tear yourself apart over this. Jenny made that call, not you. You need to realize that" Gibbs said, willing Tony to just let him help.

"And you need to realize that this is none of your business!" Tony yelled, now angry that Gibbs wasn't letting him leave. He knew that he was losing control of himself, but he didn't care.

"You are my business" Gibbs grabbed Tony by the arm spun him around, pushing the younger man down over the bathroom counter. Tony struggled to keep his feet on the floor and hoped Gibbs wasn't going to do what Tony feared he was going to. Gibbs brought his hand down on the younger man's backside hard and fast. He hadn't planned on the conversation going this direction, but he didn't know what else to do. If Tony needed to feel pain, Gibbs was going to give him just that, but he wasn't about to let Tony hide behind it. He wasn't about to lose his best agent.

"Get off of me!" Tony yelled, feeling panicked. The situation had gone from bad to worse. Not only had Gibbs stirred up emotions he didn't want to deal with, now he was actually spanking him. Tony was frustrated that the pain building on his backside wasn't helping, only making him feel worse.

"It's a dangerous road you're going down" Gibbs said as he continued smacking Tony's ass.

"If you think I'm going to stand by and watch you self-destruct, you're dead wrong, DiNozzo" His hand was already stinging but he knew he had to get Tony to let go of his anger or they weren't going to make much progress.

"It was not your fault" Gibbs stated. Tony was starting to grunt after every smack and when he heard those words again, he felt tears forming in his eyes. He was confused and angry and lost. Gibbs was telling him it wasn't his fault, yet he was punishing him.

"It's not your fault, Tony" Gibbs repeated. Tony was trying to focus on the pain instead of the words his boss kept repeating, but the pain was only reinforcing what Gibbs was saying. He was finding it hard to keep fighting his boss. He just wanted it to stop.

"Okay, boss! Okay" Tony yelled, the strain in his voice proof of how hard he was trying to keep it together. He'd give Gibbs what he wanted if it meant he'd stop smacking him.

"Stand up" At hearing Tony's words, Gibbs stopped and was glad when Tony obeyed. The younger man was trying to catch his breath and trying to look anywhere but at his boss. Gibbs really didn't want to continue, but he could tell from the tension in Tony's shoulders and the way he was biting his lip that the younger man wasn't ready to let go of his guilt.

"Pants down" Gibbs ordered. He needed Tony to understand that what happened was out of his control and that his actions over the last few days were not acceptable. He needed to be sure that it was not going to happen again.

"Boss?" Tony questioned. His voice was still strained and now laced with fear. He knew he wouldn't be able to get out of the room if Gibbs didn't want him to. He had learned early on that despite Tony's slightly larger build, Gibbs' years as a marine made it almost easy to overpower him.

"You put your job on the line, Tony. I want to make sure it doesn't happen again. Loose the pants" Gibbs said again, hoping that Tony wasn't going to fight him on this one.

Tony unzipped his jeans but hesitated to pull them off, his fingers frozen on the denim. He didn't know what to do. He knew what was going to happen next, whether he complied or not, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He felt vulnerable enough as it was.

"Tony" Gibbs insisted, the warning tone evident in his voice.

"No" Tony said softly as he took a step backwards, hating how small he sounded.

"No?" Gibbs shot Tony a look that was a cross between amusement and bewilderment, not used to Tony blatantly disobeying him.

"No, Boss" Tony said again, his voice still soft and sounding like a cross between a plea and a whine. He had hoped to sound more defiant, but ended up sounding more like a child.

Seeing he wasn't getting anywhere, Gibbs pushed Tony back down over the counter and had his arm pinned behind his back before the younger man had a chance to protest again. Tony tried to hold back a sob as he felt his jeans being pulled down to his ankles. He tried to push himself off the counter with his free hand, but Gibbs caught his arm and secured it with the other behind his back causing Tony's chest to slam back onto the counter.

"No. No! You can't do this!" Tony screamed, sounding almost hysterical. Gibbs was smacking him harder than before and his boxers weren't offering much protection. He couldn't take what was happening and he hated Gibbs at that moment. He never thought his mentor would make him feel so scared and humiliated.

"Please don't do this!" Tony pleaded. Gibbs wanted to stop, the raw emotion in Tony's voice scaring him. He didn't want Tony to be scared of what was happening, but Tony had given him no other choice.

"Boss, please!" Tony tried, hoping that maybe pleading would work. Tears were now streaming down his flushed cheeks and he felt like he couldn't breathe.

"I'm not about to let you throw away your career, Tony" Gibbs said without stopping the steady hard swats to the younger man's backside. His hand stung but he wasn't going to stop until he got his message across.

"It was not. your. fault!" Gibbs was yelling now, desperate for Tony to believe him.

"Okay, okay! Boss, okay!" Tony cried, willing to believe anything Gibbs said and willing to do anything Gibbs told him if it meant the spanking would stop and Tony could get the hell out of there.

"Say it!" Gibbs ordered, increasing the intensity of the smacks.

"It wasn't my fault!" Tony sobbed. Gibbs could barely understand his words, but stopped immediately. He pulled Tony off the table and crushed him against his chest. Tony clung to him like a life line, shaking and sobbing and feeling all hate and fear and guilt fade away. Tony had believed the words when he finally said them and the emotional relief left him with all his pent up emotions flooding out all at once. He felt his knees give and Gibbs had to lean onto the counter to keep them from falling.

Gibbs held onto the younger man tightly as Tony kept slurring apologies and tears into Gibb's chest.

"I know, Tony, I know. It's alright" Gibbs soothed. When Tony finally started to breathe normally, Gibbs lessened his hold and ran his hand through Tony's short hair.

"Look at me" Gibbs said gently as he gently pushed Tony away from him.

Tony met his gaze with moist eyes.

"Are you okay?"

Tony nodded, not trusting himself to talk yet. He winced as he pulled his jeans back up. Gibbs wet a paper towel and handed it to his agent. Tony accepted it with a small smile.

"We're going to talk about this some more when we have time, but I need to know something. I don't blame you, I never did and if the circumstances were any different I would have never let Vance put you on the boat. You understand me?" Gibbs said sincerely.

Tony nodded and Gibbs knew from the look in his eyes that Tony believed him.

"Alright. Meet me in Abby's lab when you're ready" Gibbs said. He gave Tony another quick hug before leaving him to compose himself.

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After Tony and Gibbs got the latest update from Abby, Tony kept shooting Gibbs curious looks in the elevator.

"So, boss. Seriously, did you like, watch Good Will Hunting last night, cause you definitely went all Sean Maguire on me"

Gibbs smacked the back of Tony's head.

"What was that for?" Tony asked as he rubbed his head.

"For comparing me to Robin Williams" Gibbs smiled as he left the elevator, amused at the look of shock on Tony's face that his boss had actually seen a movie in the last decade.

Tony hurried behind Gibbs, a look of serious concentration on his face.

"Wait, so is that a yes?" Tony called. Gibbs couldn't help but laugh.