The Disney Princess Bride
FADE IN ON:
A VIDEO GAME ON A COMPUTER SCREEN. The game is in progress. As a sick coughing sound is heard.
CUT TO:
Pinocchio is lying in bed, coughing. One, pale sick cookie. Maybe he's seven or eight or nine. He holds a remote in one hand, presses it, and the video game moves a little bit. Then he's hit by another spasm of coughing, puts the remote down. His room is monochromatic, grays and blues, mildly high-tech. We're in the present day and this is a middle class house, somewhere in the suburbs. Pinocchio's mom, played by Belle, enters, goes to him, fluffs his pillows, kisses him, and briefly feels his forehead. She's worried, it doesn't show.
Belle: You feeling any better?
Pinocchio: A little bit.
Belle: Guess what.
Pinocchio: What?
Belle: Your grandfather's here.
Pinocchio: (not overjoyed) Mom… wow, it's strange calling Belle "Mom". That makes the Beast my—
Isla the Director: We've been through this, Pinocchio. This is just a movie.
Pinocchio: (continues) … Can't you tell him that I'm sick?
Bell: You are sick, that's why he's here.
Pinocchio: He'll pat my head. I hate that.
Belle: Maybe he won't.
Pinocchio: He will. I know.
Geppetto bursting into the room. Kind of strange making Pinocchio's dad his grandpa. And he looked kind of rumpled. But the eyes are bright. He has a wrapped package tucked under one arm as be immediately goes to Pinocchio and pats his head.
Geppetto: Hey! How's the sickie? Heh?
Pinocchio: (to Belle) I told you.
Belle: I think I'll leave you two pals.
(And she is gone. There's an uncomfortable silence, then-)
Geppetto: I brought you a special present.
Pinocchio: What is it?
Geppetto: Open it up.
Pinocchio does. He does his best to smile.
Pinocchio: A book?
Geppetto: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today, I'm gonna read it to you.
Pinocchio: Has it got any sports in it?
Geppetto: Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles. (He sits in a chair by the bed.)
Pinocchio: Wait, true love isn't a… (Receives a glare from Isla) It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Geppetto: Oh. Well, thank you very much. It's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. (Book open now, be begins to read.) The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Aurora was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin.
DISSOLVE TO:
The story he's reading about, as the monochromatic look of the bedroom is replaced by the dazzling color of the English countryside.
Geppetto: (off-screen) … Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Phillip, but she never called him that. (To Pinocchio, or "Pinny") Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
Pinocchio: (off-screen) Yeah. It's really good… I guess.
Geppetto: (off-screen) (reading) Nothing gave Aurora as much pleasure as ordering Phillip around.
CUT TO:
Aurora's Farm - Day
Aurora is standing, holding the reins of her horse, while in the background, Phillip, in the stable doorway, looks at her. Buttercup is in her late teens.
Aurora: Farm boy... Couldn't I just call him "Phillip" just like I always do?
Isla: No.
Aurora: … Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
Phillip: (quietly, watching her) As you wish.
Geppetto: (off-screen) "As you wish" was all he ever said to her.
DISSOLVE TO:
Phillip, outside, chopping wood. Aurora drops two large buckets near him.
Aurora: Farm Boy. Fill these with water ---- please.
Phillip: As you wish.
She leaves; his eyes stay on her. She stops, turns -- he manages to look away as now her eyes stay on him.
Geppetto: (off-screen) That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you."
Phillip: Correct.
DISSOLVE TO:
Aurora in the kitchen - dusk
Phillip enters with an armload of firewood.
Geppetto: (off-screen) And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.
Aurora: (pointing to a pitcher that she could reach herself) Farm Boy, fetch me that pitcher.
He gets it, hands it to her; they are standing very close to each other gazing into each other's eyes.
Phillip: As you wish. (Now he turns, moves outside.)
DISSOLVE TO:
Aurora and Phillip, outside his tiny hovel in the red glow of sunset. They are locked in a passionate kiss.
Pinocchio: (off-screen) Hold it, hold it-
CUT TO:
Pinny's Room
Pinocchio: What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?
Geppetto: Wait, just wait --
Pinocchio: Well, when does it get good?
Geppetto: Keep your shirt on. Let me read. (Reading again) Phillip had no money (Phillip: "But I'm a prince!") for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea.
CUT TO:
Phillip and Aurora They stand near the gate to the farm, locked in an embrace.
Geppetto: (off-screen) It was a very emotional time for Aurora --
Pinocchio: (off-screen) (groaning) I don't be-lieve this.
Aurora: I fear I'll never see you again.
Phillip: Of course you will.
Aurora: But what if something happens to you?
Phillip: Hear this now: I will come for you.
Aurora: But how can you be sure?
Phillip: This is true love. You think this happens every day?
He smiles at her, she smiles too, throws her arms so tightly around him. They kiss. Then as Phillip walks away, Aurora watches him go.
Geppetto: (off-screen) Phillip didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow, who never left captives alive. When Aurora got the news that Phillip was murdered --
Pinocchio: (off-screen) -- murdered by pirates is good --
CUT TO:
CLOSE UP: Aurora, staring out the window of her room.
Geppetto: (off-screen) She went into her room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate.
Aurora: (no emotion at all in her voice) I will never love again… Wow, that was harsh.
DISSOLVE TO:
Florin Castle - Day
The main courtyard of Florin replete with townspeople, livestock, and a bustling marketplace.
Geppetto: (off-screen) (reading) Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Emperor Kuzco's (gags were heard off-screen) bride-to be.
CUT TO:
Emperor Kuzco, a man of incredible power and bearing (Kuzco: "Uh-huh"), standing in his royal robes on a castle balcony. Three others standing behind him: an old couple with crowns, Jafar and Maleficent (J smirked deviously and M kicks his shin), and a dark bearded man who seems Kuzco's match in strength: this is Captain Hook.
Kuzco: (raises his hands, starts to speak) My people ... a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves -- (pause) -- but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?
And the answering YESSSS booms like summer thunder.
Kuzco: My people ... the Princess Aurora!
A giant staircase leading to the CROWD and as a FIGURE just begins to become visible, THE CROWD, as they see the figure. (We haven't yet.) And if there is such a thing as collective action, then this crowd, collectively, holds its breath. THE STAIRCASE, as the figure appears in the archway. It is Aurora. She descends the stairs and starts to move amongst the people. THE CROWD, and they do a very strange thing: with no instruction at all, they suddenly go to their knees. Great waves of people kneeling and -- Aurora, terribly moved. She stands immobile among her subjects, blinking back tears. HOLD on her beauty for a moment.
Geppetto: (off-screen) Aurora's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Kuzco the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.
Aurora: Of course, I don't!
CUT TO:
WOODLANDS
Aurora, barreling along, controlling her horse easily.
Geppetto: (off-screen) Despite Kuzco's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.
CUT TO:
A WOODED GLEN, CLOSE TO SUNDOWN.
Lovely, quiet, deserted. Aurora suddenly reins in.
VOICE
A word, my lady?
CUT TO:
THREE MEN, standing close together in the path. Beyond them can be seen the waters of Florin Channel. The three men are not your everyday commuter types. Standing in front is a muscled man with a handsome face. He is French and his name is Gaston. Beside him is an Arabian, erect and taut as a blade of steel. His name is Aladdin. Beside him is another muscled man. His name is Hercules.
Gaston: We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?
Aurora: There is nothing nearby; not for miles.
Gaston: Then there will be no one to hear you scream…
He nods to Hercules, who merely reaches over, touches a nerve on Aurora's neck, and the start of a scream is all she manages -- unconsciousness comes that fast. As she starts to fall --
CUT TO:
A TINY ISOLATED SPOT AT THE EDGE OF FLORIN CHANNEL
A sailboat is moored. It is dusk now, shadows are long. Aladdin busies himself getting the boat ready.
CUT TO:
Hercules carries Aurora, unconscious, on board. Gaston rips some tiny pieces of fabric from an army jacket and tucks them along the saddle of Aurora's horse.
Aladdin: What is that you're ripping?
Gaston: (not stopping or turning) It's fabric from the uniform of an Army officer of Guilder.
Hercules: Who's Guilder?
Gaston: (pointing straight out) The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Florin.
(slaps the horse's rump) Go!
The horse takes off. They start for the boat.
Gaston: Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Emperor suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
Hercules: You never said anything about killing anyone.
Gaston hops onto the boat.
Gaston: I've hired you to help me start a war. That's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition. Boy, I love my character.
Hercules: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.
Gaston: Am I going mad or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass. (Herc glares at him) It was in the script!
Aladdin: I agree with Hercules.
Gaston: Oh. The sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern -- I will kill her -- (louder) And remember this -- never forget this -- (to Aladdin) -- when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy!
Aladdin: I was NEVER drunk!
(Gaston, now to Hercules, who retreats as much as he can while Gaston advances.)
Gaston: -- and you -- friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless -- Do you want me to send you back to where you were, unemployed in Greece?
Gaston glares at him, and then turns to leave them. During this, Aladdin has gone close to Hercules, who is very distressed at the insults he's just received.
Aladdin: (softly) That Gaston, he can fuss.
Hercules: ... fuss ... fuss ... I think he likes to scream at us.
Aladdin: Probably he means no harm.
Hercules: He's really very short on charm.
Aladdin: (proudly) Oh, you've a great gift for rhyme.
Hercules: Yes, some of the time.
Gaston: Enough of that.
As they sail off, we hear their voices as the boat recedes.
Aladdin: Hercules, are there rocks ahead?
Hercules: If there are, we'll all be dead.
Gaston: No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Hercules: Anybody want a peanut?
Gaston: Aaaargh!