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Chapter 1

Cat could not believe how quickly the last 6 months had passed since that night on the east pier. They had quickly settled into a routine. It had been difficult for him at first to get to grips with the idea of having a permanent girlfriend on the base and he had kept his rooms too. She rather suspected that he needed the security of having a place to go to and he still used them as an 'office', keeping all his 'toys' there. Recently he and Rodney had taken to racing remote controlled cars up and down the long corridors of Atlantis, sometimes into the early hours of the morning. She loved that childish side of him and understood that it was an essential part of how he dealt with all the horrors he had faced. Cat knew that the irascible scientist was important to John, and she did not begrudge him the time. On these nights, John would creep into bed, trying not to wake her. She had to admit, that she couldn't sleep until she felt the warmth of his body pressed against her. It was his habit to cuddle her and gently kiss the back of her neck, and she let him, all the time pretending to be asleep.

Truth be known, she never needed time apart from John, but there were times, especially after a particularly difficult mission, when he needed to spend some time alone. So, they tended to spend their nights in her quarters, and by now the entire city 'informally' knew where to find Colonel Sheppard in an emergency.

She looked over to the sleeping head of dark messy hair on the pillow next to her, his hazel eyes closed and a hint of a smile traced across his full lips. They hadn't got round to ordering a larger bed and still slept virtually on top of each other, his long legs dangling off the edge. He was an untidy sleeper, and he was so caught up in the covers, that there was very little covering him. She was still amazed that John Sheppard should have chosen her and loved to wake up before him, so that she could slowly run her eyes across the muscled body lying so close to her. Though he'd been tired the night before, as always he found the energy for the passionate love making which she was becoming addicted to. John was an amazing lover, so tender and concerned for all her needs and wants. Physically, he was able to express how he felt about her, in ways that he still could not verbally. She had never felt so attached to a man before, so in love, and had told him many times, but he had not been able to say it back and she had thought that she was fine with that until recently when it had begun to bother her more. She didn't know why he found it so difficult to express his 'feelings' and she had tried to talk to him, but he had found some excuse and she let the matter drop. Cat had an uncomfortable feeling that they needed to jump this hurdle soon, before it came between them. She longed for him to tell her he loved her and was beginning to wonder if he really did feel the same way as she did and, yet, she knew that if she pushed too hard, she might lose him and never wake up to the warmth she felt this morning and every morning when he stayed with her.

'Morning,' muttered a sleep filled voice. 'What time is it?'

'Time to get up, unfortunately,' she replied, 'you've a briefing with Woolsey in 45 minutes.'

She moved towards him and kissed him gently on the lips and was about to pull away, when his arms snaked around her back and he pulled her closer, returning her kiss hotly and passionately. They often woke this way, enjoying the warm glow that they took with them for the rest of the morning, and she gladly melted into his arms. Making love with John was just that and she could not have enough of these moments of closeness and intimacy, never wanting them to end.

He kept a spare set of BDUs in her room, neatly folded in her underwear drawer, which she always found amusing.

'if I'm being chased by Wraith or other bug-eyed monsters intent on eating me, or listening to Woolsey ranting on about protocol for the umpteenth time in the day, just knowing that my clothes have slept with your knickers keeps me going, until I can sleep next to the real thing!' he had explained and that cheeky, sexy smile that she loved shimmied across his face.

She watched him dress, regretting the disappearance of his wonderful body underneath the baggy black BDUs. As was their ritual, he came over to her, took her face in his hands and gently kissed her. Then with a 'see ya later hon' he was off. That was the worst moment of the morning and she had yet to rid herself of the knot of fear that formed in her stomach. They had tacitly decided that neither would mention the danger or their fears out loud and that routine was the best way keep the lid on them. She supposed that it was easier for him because of his training, but she still clock-watched whenever he was on a mission. She had some friends among the Atlantis technicians, especially Chuck and Banks, who would let her know the minute John returned. They even had a code for how he was. 'OK' was, well okay! 'W' meant worried or anxious. 'H' meant he was hurt. 'HO' meant another member of the team was hurt. The one she was dreading was 'NS' short for no show. The one where John had not returned with his team. When Chuck wanted to know if she wanted to include DOA in their list of codes, she refused and simply said that she would never accept that possibility, even though she knew full well that it was all too likely given the danger he was in on a daily basis. John didn't know about the 'codes' and she wouldn't tell him. She also wouldn't say that she sometimes quietly watched from the balcony of the gate room, when the team was late, only to disappear quickly when he arrived. He had enough stress and pressure with his 'day job' to worry about her.

Staring at the door that had closed behind him, Cat sighed and got up. Yet again, he had not said those words that she so wanted to hear. Perhaps tomorrow it would happen and yet she doubted that he had even remembered what day tomorrow was. A month ago she had set this date as a personal deadline. This was the day by which he would tell her he loved her. After all, that's what Valentine's Day is for, isn't it? She had not really decided what she would do if the deadline passed, but had great plans for the evening. For the last week she had been planning what she would cook and how the evening would go. The location had to be the east pier. After all, that was where he first made love to her and it was still a favourite hideaway for them. She had begged and borrowed from friends, and now had a table and tablecloth, chair, a candelabra and candles and had managed to purloin the best steak from the kitchens. In fact, that had been the easiest task, because Chief Maria Johnson had something of a crush on John, as did most of the women on the base. The present had been the most difficult, but Teyla had helped out and introduced her to a craftsman among the Athosians who made Athosian courting rings. On the inside of the ring was engraved her name and John's in Ancient. She knew that he could not wear it on his finger, so had also bought a leather lace for him to tie it round his neck.

Sighing, Cat left her quarters and headed off to the refectory for breakfast. John had probably just grabbed a muffin and a coffee, not really being one to sit down and eat in the morning, but she enjoyed breakfast with her friends. As usual, Teyla and Ronon were sitting at the table next to the window. The Atlantis 'A' team had taken ownership of the best seat in the house, overlooking the spires of the city below. In the morning, it was bathed in a golden light and at night time, the two visible moons shone an unearthly blue. Yes, thought Cat. Atlantis is perfect, so perfect that she even knows how to colour the lives of those who live within her.

'Hi Cat. How are you this morning?' asked the petite Athosian. 'Seen John yet?' Teyla knew full well where John spent his nights, as did Ronon and Rodney, but enjoyed gently teasing Cat.

'Now, why would I have seen Colonel Sheppard?' Cat replied, more for possible eavesdroppers than anything else. While she was certain that most people 'knew' about them, John had been very clear that he didn't want to make their relationship public. If they did end up sitting at the same table, or watching a film in the rec room, he kept his distance and never touched her. He had said that it could undermine his authority if they 'canoodled' in public. When she objected that she only expected some acknowledgement, or a gentle touch, and didn't expect to have sex in front of the Atlantis staff, his expression told her that he would brook no argument. And, when Colonel Sheppard made up his mind about something, he was absolutely intractable. Still, it added to her insecurities that he didn't feel ready to openly declare or show how he felt about her. She was beginning to feel more like a mistress than a long time partner and the doubts were starting to eat away at her confidence.

'Hey, what's up?' grunted Ronon. The tall ex-runner was not exactly the most talkative individual, but Cat had come to like him very much. 'Sheppard treating you okay, because if he's not, I can always rough him up a little extra next time we train!'

'That won't be necessary, Ronon. Last time you went a little 'rough' on him, he had to sleep on his right side all night, and he wasn't the only one who felt the effects of your anger. He couldn't move properly for two days!' she laughed. John and Ronon rarely argued, but sometimes the testosterone flowed too hard and they became very competitive. John nearly always came off worse.

Cat was desperate to speak with Teyla. She had already confided her fears about how John felt and his inability to express his feelings, and she needed her calm guidance now. Thankfully, Teyla was the most empathic person she knew and sensed the need, so she suggested that they head off for the gym for their bantos training.

'I can't help it, Teyla. I don't even know if he loves me anymore and I set myself this stupid deadline, always believing that he would have told me by now. I'm almost certain that he hasn't a clue about tomorrow either. What do I do if he forgets? What if he doesn't love me?' Despite herself, she began to cry. She hadn't realised how important this was to her, and by the time it had crept up on her, it was too late. She just couldn't rid herself of the nagging fears that were beginning to torment her. She couldn't bear the thought that the man she considered to be her soul-mate, her one-and-only, might not feel the same about her. She couldn't imagine a cold bed and waking up without his warmth next to her.

'Look, Cat. Why don't you leave an invitation on his e-mail, so that he picks it up during the day? You can invite him to a romantic dinner on the pier. It is quite possible that John will not realise tomorrow is Valentine's Day: he's not very good at that kind of thing, just like many men. It's probably best not to mention it. Just the invite should entice him. After all, it is your 'place'. I'm sure he loves you Cat. I can see it in his eyes, when he looks for you across a crowded room and the smile that lights up his face when he finds you. Don't worry; I'm certain it will all turn out alright'.

'You're right, Teyla. I'll do just that. Thanks. You know how much I appreciate your support and friendship.'

Cat left the gym with a new resolve, already composing the e-mail message in her head. Tomorrow was going to be interesting!