A/N: I bring you a glimpse into the mind of Mason! Because I am weak and cannot keep this to myself, I am posting it. This is my character development exercise I went through in an effort to better understand Mason. This corresponds with stuff in Chapter 4 which I will hopefully post soon. If you are afraid of spoilers then you probably shouldn't read this yet. Though I tried to make sure nothing was really mentioned. I hope all of you enjoy reading it as much as it helped me.
I left her room as fast I could, zooming to my own room, on the other side of the house and on the third floor, in a matter of seconds. I slowed down once I got to my room, closing and locking the door. Walking slowly to my balcony, I perched up on the railing, staring out at the forest and eventually the ground a good twenty feet below me. I lithely leaped up onto the roof, going to stand at the edge and continuing to gaze out at the forest.
I turned my mind inward to the myriad of questions I had. To which I had very few answers. Danica Rosewald had unexpectedly appeared in my life only a few weeks ago. At first she was just another human. Another human I could amuse myself with like all the others. Most of them did not know excitement, but even as indestructible as I was, I was still not free. Not completely anyway.
There were rules I was forced to obey, and out of fear no less. I hated how I was forced to live.
They have ample reason to keep our existence secret from the humans, the voice whispered in my mind.
It was the same argument I had with it so many times before. I knew it by heart. After all, I only needed to hear it once. I closed the voice out of my mind. Invaluably useful and astoundingly annoying at the same time. I liked it for the most part. Only when it disagreed with me did I dislike it.
My thoughts, like so many other times before, wandered back to Danica. She haunted me constantly. The rules dictated I kill her. I only now realized, I was fooling myself to ever think I could. I was weak. It disgusted me that I couldn't bring myself to kill a single weak human. More physical strength than I knew what to do with and I couldn't even use it.
I spun angrily and walked to the opposite end of the roof. I had to find a way to remove her from my life. I had to. She was dragging me down and would be the end of me. I bolted back the way I had come, clearing the distance in less than a second and leaping straight off the roof. The hundred feet to the beginning of the forest sailed by under me. The cool night wind whistled by me. I felt myself begin to arc towards the ground. I sighed, reluctantly readying myself for impact.
The ground sped towards me and I slammed into it with probably the same force as a small car crash. I leaned backwards as my feet slid across the ground, raking out two deep trenches in the ground among the trees. I wasn't stopping too quickly.
I threw my hand up right in front of a tree branch as it flew by. I used it to swing myself up and land perfectly on it.
What are you doing to me and how are you doing it, Danica?
Such are the quandaries of all sentient beings. Your emotions are your inevitable downfall.
I know that, but they aren't exactly a part of me I can just cast off.
But you can train yourself to resist them just as you did the thirst. That is nothing more than a nuisance now.
Emotions can be much more powerful and driving than the thirst. Somethings can only be understood through experience.
You are forgetting that I have your experience to draw upon.
You cannot experience emotion. Don't even try and fool me into thinking otherwise.
Maybe not, but I can analyze and examine your memories for errors. Things that could have been avoided had you listened to your rational mind and me.
Don't even start on this again. I have no desire to hear it. You are very adept at keeping me alive in battle, but stay out of my affairs otherwise.
This woman could very well cause your demise should she be allowed to live. They do not look kindly on educated humans.
You don't need to educate me about the rules! I know them well. I've had to live by them for too long.
Anger will get you nowhere. Quell it.
The trees whizzed by as I came up to the front door. I pulled it open, immediately shutting it and blew up the stairs stopping in front of her door.
You are seeing her again? Why?
Because I want to. Is that so hard to understand? I hated myself for allowing the desire to overwhelm me.
This pointless relationship you have with her is only serving to prove my point. She must be disposed of.
I slammed the doors shut in my mind, eliminating the voice from my consciousness. Disgust and dread filled me in pursuit of his statement. I silently opened the door and stole into the quiet darkness of her room. The only sounds were her slow breathing and steady heartbeat. She was asleep.
I noiselessly appeared at her bedside, staring down at her. Her fair skin illuminated to me by the soft lamp light. I quickly reached over and shut off the lamp. The only sound a light click. My eyes saw as easily with the light as without.
I stood over her, studying her frail human form. I lifted my hands from my sides and changed to studying them. How many other humans had I killed with these or a tool held by these? None of them mattered to me. What makes you so special, Danica?
Why can't I kill you?
It would be so easy. You don't know how frail you are. It would only take a fraction of a second. You wouldn't even know what happened. I moved my hands slowly down till they were hovering over her neck. My hands froze where they were, refusing to move any further. I strained and willed my hands to continue. To end my problem.
But they would not. They could not. I could not. Try as I might, I could not end her life.... nor could I permit somebody else to do it for me. I retracted my hands. The outcome was no different than the dozen other times I had tried. I could not allow her to die so long as I had a say in the matter. I turned away from her, disgusted and hating myself anew.
I wandered to my corner chair, sitting without a sound and opening my mind once again to the voice.
Why did you not do it?
Because I can't!! Why do you not understand that?
Because it's illogical. There is no reason you should not be able to kill her. She is no more special than the thousands of humans you have slaughtered in the past.
I stared at my hands.
You saw me. I tried. I truly tried to do it.
Yes and you failed. So you must try again. You must continue to try until you succeed. She will destroy you if you allow her to live.
I understood all too well the cold logic the voice was using. It was only the truth. She would end up destroying me should I allow her to live. I appeared next to her again, bringing my hands down in a flash to her neck.
They abruptly halted in the same spot as last time. And the time before that. And the time before that.... and the time before that.
I tightened every muscle in my body in an effort to shove past the invisible impenetrable barrier between her neck and my hands. I put my body weight behind it as well. The force could be equated to a semi-truck barreling downhill at sixty miles per hour without brakes.
My hands refused to budge.
I flew silently out of the room, detesting myself. Try as I might I could not despise her even though she was the true cause of my distress.
Why was I so weak? She's only a human. Kill her!
I couldn't tell if the the last part was me or the voice. I flitted through the house and out the back door to a small clearing several hundred feet from the house. There were several concrete posts stuck in the ground. Anton and I spent time here practicing whatever martial art we felt like when we were bored. Anton was actually there now.
I stormed into the clearing, interrupting his practice.
"You seem especially angry tonight. Did you try again?" Anton wondered.
"Twice." I positioned myself in front of one of the pillars.
"And?" Anton asked impatiently.
"I failed twice." I whipped around angrily and backhanded the pillar, shattering the top foot of it with a thunderous crack and shudder. I stared at the pieces. Why am I so weak?
"Well, come on. Work out some stress." Anton assumed a standard Tae-Kwon-Do 'L' stance.
I viciously attacked Anton without warning. He easily began defending against me. I had him painfully pinned a couple minutes later.
Danica... her name echoed through my thoughts without pause.
Why am I so weak?