An Essay by: Sephiroth Valentine
I've figured out something. I've found who I am, and It's not something that I'm proud of. I know why I do things now. I know why I haven't given up. But...I have given up. It is the way I am.
Nothing matters because I do not care. I've never really cared, it seems, about anything but myself. I've always been alone, even at the points where I had friends. Being alone always hurt, but it's the way I am. My mental health seems so eradic I feel I cannot control my own mind any longer. It's the way I am. Hurting so much. Always hurting. Sometimes my soul cannot bear it. Yet, I call these painful events stupid. I always say that crying makes me a coward. I always say death will make me even more so. So, I do not understand why I exist. It is because this pain is
my bond to the strongest feeling of living that I have.
Sometimes I feel that I only live because I so morbidly fear death. I hate death. I hate everything that accompanies it. It means so much hurt, however, why would I care? Why would I care if it's what I feel anyway? So death is also a bond. It is however, a bond which I do not revere nor hate. However, I hate death...and I hate pain. They are bonds that make me question reality. They are bonds that make me question existence. They are bonds that make me question God. I do not understand. I do not understand...myself. I hate myself. I do not care for who I am or what I think or what others think. It is why I feel guilty. I end up caring anyway. But I cannot care, for I do not will myself to do so.
I do not understand "God". Why is it that millions of people put their faith into something or someone who they never heard nor seen? Why is it that they pray for this "God" to grant all their desires in return for their faith? Is it simply because at last resorts they will feel like they have something? Anything? Is this why they allow themselves to be docile little sheep? Then I do not understand why this is. I do not understand these sheep. I do not want to be herded and made to obey, and yet I am the agnostic child. Perhaps I will to be cultivated by this "God". Or perhaps I feel that I cannot find myself, so I'd rather be ignorant and believe that such a thing exists. That something can take all pain away and bring eternal happiness. If eternal is such a thing.
I do not understand "heaven". Why is it that millions of people rely on their faith to this "God" and their deeds in the name of his "righteousness" to be able to receive their ultimate reward? So is that what we're all living for? We're living to...die? Why is it that we live in such a way? To believe in such a reward as "heaven". Is it simply because we are afraid of our allmighty "God"and his wrath upon the herded docile sheep? Then I do not understand why this is. I do not
understand these sheep. They are as cowardly as I am, then. I do not want to be herded and made to obey, and yet I am the agnostic child. Perhaps I will to be cultivated by this "God". Or perhaps I feel that I cannot find myself, so I'd rather be ignorant and believe that such a thing exists. That something can take all my pain away and bring eternal happiness. If eternal is such a thing. If heaven is such a place.
I do not understand "hell". Why is it that millions of people rely on their faith to this "God" and their deeds in the name of his "righteousness" to avoid their ultimate punishment? Why is it that we condemn individuals who are different to this "hell"? Why do we live in bigotry and hate? We're living to hate within our love? Then we are bless'ed with a double edged sword of fate. Why is it that we live in such a way? To believe in such a punishment as "hell." Is it simply because we are afraid of the foe of "God"? "Lucifer" himself? Why is it that I believe in hell and the fallen rebellious Angel? Is it because I want to stand up to "God" himself? If there is a "God"? Then I do not understand these sheep, nor myself. They are as blind as I, then. I do not want to be herded and made to obey, and yet I am the agnostic child. Perhaps I will to be cultivated by this "God". Or perhaps I feel that I cannot find myself, so I'd rather be ignorant and believe that such a thing exists. That something can take all my pain away and bring eternal happiness. If eternal is such a thing. If hell is such a place. Even if there is physical pain, there will be too
much of it to know my mental pain.
I do not understand "Lucifer". Why is it that millions of people cowar at the mention of this "unholy" rebel of "heaven" itself? They believe that "God" will save them. They believe that "God's" power will smite the dark angel. The dark messenger. Why is it that we associate the condemned of society, those that are different from everyone else, with this "Lucifer"? Is it because we are too frightened to deal with these individuals in a way that might be productive and good? Then how can there be "good" in the world if there is so much hate? If there is so much bigotry? If there is so many that we condemn with our words and our hard eyes? Will "God" save us then? It is within human nature to stereo type. Isn't love based on stereo typing? But I do not understand what love is! I only know it is there to feel like hatred and sadness. I only know that emotion is what makes a human soul. How can a human, a so called creation of "God", then have a soul without these emotions? Why do we live in bigotry and hate? Love, sadness, happiness and all other emotions? We simply live in all of these because it is what a human has come to know! It is what a human is! But yet, it is something I know, not understand. It is a reality which is a dream and the dream...is much closer to a reality than what reality is. Our emotions, our words, our dreams, our reality ; they are all on different planes. I suppose that is what life is for. To find yourself. To feel all of these things. To question reality. And yet, I still do not understand. I do not understand these sheep, nor myself. They are as blind as I, then. I do not want to be herded and made to obey, and yet I am the agnostic child. Perhaps I will to be
cultivated by this "God". Or perhaps I feel that I cannot find myself, so I'd rather be ignorant and believe that such a thing exists. That something can take all my pain away and bring eternal happiness. If eternal is such a thing. If hell is such a place. Even if there is physical pain, there will be too much of it to know my mental pain.
I do not understand myself. But to understand myself I must learn to know of these things that makes myself human. Science has always questioned humanity. It has always tried to find the reason for it. But they do not know, nor will they, for with death comes the undoing of secrets and the door will be forever closed to the living plane. It shall always be with those trapped behind, waiting for another to know the mysteries of life itself. Until then, I can only wait inside my cowardice.