Day 1
She sat on the ledge, watching the sunrise one last time. She'd never get to see that same sun set again. Not in this lifetime, anyway. She used to watch it rise every morning with her best friend. Now she watches alone. When it was finally up, Beca rose, ready to start her final day. One that was destined to end too soon. The wind rippled through her hair as she took another step up, lowering her defensive walls once and for all. This would be it. Her last moments would be spent standing on a ledge in downtown LA.
A small smirk spread across her face as she thought about some of her greatest memories. Most of them consisting of time with her best friend. She was ready to go. She was ready to put all that behind her and fly away.
Without even looking down, just right into the blue abyss of sky, she bent her knees, and took off, arms spread like a bird. She could only think about that last moment. A moment of freedom. Freedom she never had, always controlled by one person or another.
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose. Fire away, fire away.
Falling...20 feet. Falling...Wind in her face. Falling...Falling like the pain around her was slipping away. Daydreams. Millions of thoughts on the 520 feet drop. Something pulled at her in the less lucid moments. One last thing on her mind. Chloe.
"Have a nice day!" Chloe smiled and waved to the post man as he walked away. She closed and locked the door behind her and sat down on the couch, ready to get bill after bill, after bill.
One was in a large envelope. Like the kind you use to ship important papers. She opened it and took out it's contents, 2 CD's and 1 letter.
She opened it, thinking it was from Aubrey or something.
Chloe,
I am so sorry. I did a really selfish thing. I just couldn't handle it. I know it hurts you too, but you have Tyler to go home to. At least understand that I can be happy now. I loved you too much. From that moment I saw you, to the second I felt the wind in my face. I should have told you how I felt. I should have told you that I loved you. Your smile, your eyes, the way you made me feel inside. Some nights, I'd get high, hoping I'd be stupid enough to call you. Or Aubrey. Or anybody just so somebody else knew. But I knew you weren't bi, let alone gay. I could never have you.
Loving you wasn't the only reason. I was sick and tired of being controlled by everybody around me. Aubrey, my dad, my co-workers, Jesse, even you sometimes. But I was afraid to talk back, in case I said the wrong thing. In case I said something very, very wrong. They bossed me around because they all knew I didn't hit back. I was everybody's punching bag. Everybody's little bitch. But you always told me violence isn't the answer to anything. You always told me love is louder than anything.
The night terrors were starting to get to me, too. The meds they gave me stopped working when I started dreaming about you. Even when I was awake I can still hear those voices. The screaming. You. I just couldn't take the living nightmare life had become.
I wasn't sure if you'd hate me forever or not, so I made you a CD of my mixes, just incase you forget. I don't want you to forget. I won't forget.
I still love you. I'm sorry.
Beca.
Chloe's mouth hung slightly open. What did Beca do? Why on earth would she hate Beca? Its funny how when you let one tear out, all the others come with it. She turned on the TV, hoping to see whatever happened
"Breaking news from Los Angeles, a woman in her mid to late twenties has just committed suicide off the new Gryffin Building in the heart of the city." Chloe stared at the TV. "Police have not yet released the identity of the woman,"
Day 2
Chloe sat up, a few rays of sun peeked their way through cracks in the blinds. She wasn't sure why, but she felt empty. Like she was missing something. Missing a part of her being. Yet, she felt a burden on her shoulders, weighing her down. Slowing down her movements and thinking process. Like she had a billion things going though her mind.
Upon getting a glass of water in attempts to clear her head a little, she saw the letter. Laying on the granite counter as innocently as any other. Though it carried the news of a horrible choice, and quite possibly the last words of Beca Mitchell.
Beca. Dead.
Chloe screamed out, without any real reason, it was just a spontaneous outburst of emotions. She just yelled, emptying her lungs, filling them, emptying them again. Then the tears. Choking her, like some outside force was squeezing her heart. "Beca! You're so stupid!" She screamed so much, it almost didn't sound human. Any person with a heart would know that Chloe was in pain. "Why would you do this to us!" In a fit of anger, she threw her cup across the room, glass exploding beautifully on the painted wall, and water stains to prove it. "Why would you do this to me!" Chloe wanted to call Tyler. Let him hold her. Comfort her. But that couldn't happen. Not now, they had broken up only a few days prior. So much loss in a matter of 4 days. "Beca Anne Mitchell! You bitch!" She dropped to her knees and sobbed into her hands, tears dotting the tile. The redhead shook uncontrollably as she wept, with nobody around to comfort her, and tell her 'it will be ok.' Even when it wouldn't be.
All day she was like this. Crying. Angry. Destroy. Repeat. There wasn't even a way for her to fully understand it, she wanted Beca. She needed Beca.
Eventually, at maybe 11 or so Chloe's red and puffy eyes closed for a rest. Mentally tired, and physically tired, she slept.
Day 3
"Chloe?" A distant voice asked. "Chloe, honey, wake up…" Slowly, she pulled herself back from sleep.
"A-Aubrey? What? You should be in Salem. Or DC, or wherever your job takes you." She rubbed her eye, amazed how puffy it could stay even after a nice rest.
"I know, but when you hung up, I got here as soon as I could."
Chloe looked down, realizing how horrible she must look, how horrible the room around her must look. "Thank you," she hugged her only remaining best friend.
They cried together now, Aubrey accepting that the annoying little alt girl did end up growing on her. No matter how immature they acted when they butt heads.
The blonde had expressed her hatred to Beca on many accounts. Most of them ending in some sort of pun or comeback Aubrey could laugh at, or just couldn't reply to.
"Chlo, you really need to eat," She laced as much concern as one can without having to touch another into her tone. "Soup?" Aubrey suggested, looking into the sparse pantry that held most of the food.
"Not hungry," Chloe mumbled, clutching the note. "How can you even eat?"
Aubrey closed her eyes and sighed. She did find her appetite losing its vigor, too. "It's hard." Then the blonde sat down next to Chloe, hugging her and rocking from side to side. She knew her best friend well enough to know touch was one of the most comforting things for her.
Day 4
"She isn't doing very well," Aubrey told via cell phone. He was aware Chloe was Beca's very few friends. "Me? Oh, I'm alright." Her tone was higher, like she was trying to soothe a baby to sleep. "It's Chloe who's taking this really bad." It was true, the only reason she left the couch was to pee or get a new box of tissues. "Already? When?" Apparently they we're already planning the funeral. "8 days? Okay. I'll talk to her about it….Bye."
"Aubrey?" She hurried over. "Do you know where my laptop is?"
"Uh, I think it's somewhere on the table."
"Thank you." Chloe stood up and found it, right it away. She grabbed the envelope on the way back to her seat. Putting in the CD with the number '1' on it, Chloe turned the volume on her macbook to 6. The first song was the all-too-famous 'Just The Way You Are' and' Just A Dream.' But it wasn't a mashup, it was just the two songs, overlapping each other in such a way only a trained DJ could pick up two random songs and find the perfect beat to start the second. Each new track brought a new wave of emotion. Titanium. That was their song.
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose. Fire away, fire away.
Day 5
As the days without Beca progressed, Chloe found herself thinking about things that didn't concern Beca at all. Her job, as she worked at a Children's Hospital. Helping people is what she loves to do. But that brought to back to another question: What could she have done to help Beca? A friend who she cared deeply for. But not in a sexual way, more of a 'if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'll be there.' kind of way. Of course, Beca would never cry. Or admit it. Always saying "I am emotionally incapable of crying." or some other lame excuse.
"Chloe, we have visitors." Aubrey called, looking out the window and drying a yellow bowl with an old rag. "And…. It's Tyler."
Chloe perked up at the name. There was something she wanted to tell him… Something really important, now if she could just remember it…
"Chloe?" He stood in the doorway. "Hey,"
"Well, see as it took you 5 days to show up, plus the added affect of one of my best friends just killed themselves, I think I deserve more than a 'hey' to get back to me."
He just looked at her, not really prepared for the outburst of rudeness. "I-, I'm sorry, but I have a life, too. And since obviously you're too busy with your own, I should leave."
Chloe waited, her head tilted to the side, slightly. "So, you going?" She looked around, waiting for him to act on his words. "Kay then. Buh-bye." She closed the door before he had a chance to say anything.
Day 6
Beca...Beca...
Chloe, I'm right here...
Beca! No! Wait, come back!
"You ready?" Aubrey snapped Chloe out of her little la-la land.
Chloe turned around, and picked up her carry-on. "As I'll ever be," But she was lying. She could never be ready for a funeral like this. Beca and her agreed to go to weddings, not funerals.
"Come on." Aubrey picked up her own and they went out to the car,
"Good evening ." Aubrey greeted, getting into the white SUV.
They made small talk as they grove from the airport to the Mitchell Family Home. Everybody was afraid they'd say something wrong and they'd all start crying, so they kept it to a bare minimum. Apparently, winters can get pretty harsh in Portland Maine.
The sun had long since set by the time they got to the house, It wasn't extravagant, but it wasn't a shack. When they got inside, Aubrey noted the tears that brimmed his eyes. It hurt Chloe to know that he didn't get the note. He did deserve it, right? Even then the reality of Beca's death still hasn't fully sunk in.
That night, Aubrey woke up at about 2:30, and heard cires. Muffled, and they didn't sound like Chloe's.
"It's okay to cry." She offered, standing in her less uptight cloths and leaning on the doorway of Beca's old bedroom. "It's not because you're weak, it's because you've been too strong for too long." The man was sitting at the edge of the bed, holding a picture that was in a fancy brown frame.
"I- I just miss her so much," He wiped his tears with the heel of his palm.
"I do too," She admitted, "We all do." You could try all you want, but still, seeing a grown man cry always did a toll on somebody's feelings. "But we have to keep moving on. People die and we cry, but the world keeps spinning around."
That it will, Aubrey. That it will.
Day 8
A field, no a meadow. A hole... Jumping.
Beca! Don't!
"No, don't use daisies, she hates those. Beca likes- liked, tiger lillies better." Chloe told them, as they made the list of what they needed.
Choices can make or break a person. Take a leap of faith and hope you fly or stay on the ground watching the birds soar feeley above you. Reaching heights you may never get to, seeing things nobody else can. BUt if you fall...
"How are you doing it?" Chloe asked, over their dinner or mac and cheese. Nobody felt like cooking.
"How am I doing what?"
"Staying so... Sane." Aubrey watched the conversation. "You don't even know why she did it." Then Chloe remembered. She'd read it over so much that she could recite it. Almost like how actors remember their lines in scripts. "I need to show you something." Sick to her stomach, she went upstairs to get the note.
"She loved you." said to himself, but meaning for Chloe to hear it. "And we were too hard on her." It sounded like he understood, but he didn't, really. "I'm so sorry" He kissed Chloe on the forehead and hugged Aubrey. "Good night you two." He went upstairs, and they could've sworn they heard a sniffle on his way up.
"I have some things I need to think about. I'll see you tomorrow." Chloe left Aubrey still sitting there at the table, alone.
Now she would be free to cry. And she did. The usually uptight and stone cold woman let go and wept. Beca really had done something stupid. Now look what that little DJ has done.
Day 9
Beca. A blooming cherry tree. Something hanging in the branches.
Rope.
That meadow. Where was it?
They all stood around a list of what the final touches on the funeral would be. The thought sickened Chloe.
"You writing a speech?" Aubrey looked up from proof-reading the blurb of Beca's life.
"Maybe." Chloe had lost significant weight, to the point where it was starting to worry Aubrey. Chloe had done something like this once before, years ago. She had to force the girl to eat. And had to take all the sharp objects away. But there was something different this time, and it wasn't that Chloe actually had a reason to do this.
Day 10
Even if I say, it'll be alright. Still I hear you say you want to end your life. Can't we try to just stay alive...
The radio seemed to play all the worst songs in these moments in their car.
I believe in whatever you do, and I do anything to see it through because these things will change. Can you feel it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down. Its a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win...
It burned Chloe to the point of tears. Not only did her barrier walls fall 10 days before, but so did her supporting walls. Felled by the sword of suicide.
If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told, Before we get too old, Show me a garden that's bursting into life.
When they got there, most everybody was already there. Including Beca's ashes. That was Beca, someone she'd felt so close to. They even made a pact to go to each others weddings, not funerals.
People mostly just told funny little incidents that involved Beca. Chloe could even hear Beca laughing along with them... Or was it in her mind? Then it was Aubrey's turn.
"I hated Beca when we met. Then of course, I hated pretty much everybody senior year." The area that held any ex-bellas laughed hysterically. "But those ear monstrosities and the rest of that pesky alt girl grew on me." She proceeded to explain a time Beca actually did something nice to her. It was pathetic.
"Beca was a... Hard kid. But I loved her for that. And I could go a long time talking about her, but we all knew her. We all loved Beca, and thats what matters. He nodded once and then left the podium. Chloe was up last.
She stood there looking at all the sad faces. Most of the people she knew but there still were some unfamiliar beings. She read the first line of her speech in her head, then looked back to the crowd. Chloe decided that what she wrote wasn't good enough.
"I'm sorry," She croaked, barely holding her shit together. "I'm so sorry." Chloe knew people were relying on her to stay strong, but she couldn't. "It's my fault! I should have seen it. I should have seen how much she was hurting." The crowd was transfixed. "It was my fault she did this. Stop beating yourself up, and blame me!" She turned for a glance at the urn. "I'm..." There she cried. So openly that nobody really knew what to do. Aubrey was first to take action, leading Chloe to her seat, and leaving the speech there.
As the rest of the ceremony went on, Chloe cou8ld have sworn she'd seen Beca about 6 or 7 times, but convinced herself that it was in her head. It was driving her nuts. Like that man in 'Never Again' music video.
By 5:00 everybody but , Aubrey and Chloe remained... And Beca, of course.
Day 11
"Aubrey! Pull over!" Chloe half screamed, half loudly demanded. Chloe hopped out of the car before it even stopped. She ran right to the mass of flowers that was huddled in piles, same place they were before.
"Beca, I know you can hear me." She spoke softly by the overwhelming smell of flowers. "Beca, I'm coming." Without saying anything more, the woman walked back into the car, strangely smiley.
The two talked, like nothing happened. About a kid Chloe was caring for, about Aubrey's annoying client- what they used to talk about before the incident. They even laughed. Things were starting to pull back together, finally!
Day 12
"Bree?"
"Yes?"
"You're like a sister to me, you know that?"
Aubrey nodded. "And thats the way I love yoou!" She hummed in a singsong voice. They hugged. Here Chloe would be catching a flight to LA for heaven knows what reason, Aubrey would be headed for Sacramento for her client. "I guess this is good-bye then."
"We'll see eachother again."
"I will see you again, woah. This is not where it ends. I will carry you with me, oh. Til I see you again," Aubrey wasn't famous for her random song outbursts, but everybody was a little off-kilter. "Stay in touch, Chlo." Aubrey waved, and went into the terminal.
"Mmm." Was all Chloe could say.
Day 13
Ever since Chloe spoke to Beca's grave, there wasn't any surprise visits by the woman who was more-than-less dead. Surely there must be a reason for this.
She called her father, and her brothers, and Aubrey though she didn't pick up, just to make sure. Then got into her Subaru Outback.
Chloe's iPod played the second CD as she drove. It turned out to be songs that Beca recorded and put on a disk. It relieved Chloe to hear her voice again.
When you're gone, pieces of my heart are missing you,
When you're lost and alone. When you're sinking like a stone, carry o-o-on.
Oh I, oh oh I, I'm not even trying. Oh I, oh oh I, but I can't stop smiling, do you think about me like I think about you?
When she took her first step out into the meadow, she could feel Beca walking towards the promised cherry tree with her. It even sounded like Beca was singing along to her own songs. Chloe tied up the tree, looking like she'd done it a million times before.
Long live the walls we crashed through, how the kingdom lights shined just for me and you.
Chloe climbed the tree to the highest possible limb, it may or may not have been about 25-30 feet off the ground. The view from the top was amazing. City lights glowed from a distance, just far enough away so there wasn't any light pollution and could clearly see the stars. The Pacific was black, with little yellow spots of boat lights. The stunningly fresh air helped with the effect, too.
Everything around her silenced, except the CD. "And there you have it," Beca's voice sighed though the speaker. "Sincerely,"
Chloe looked around and jumped. Scared. Scared for anybody that knew -
"Beca Mitchell." The last 3 words Chloe had ever heard hung there in silence. Seemingly echoing through the empty space.
She went freely to Beca, who was waiting above the tree.
"Over 100 years ago, two little kids planted this tree," Beca told her in an out-of-it voice. Beca was never like this before. It worried her. "They grew old together. And now look, there's a dead body swinging in the breeze like it's some sort of birdhouse!" Back to normal. "Well, at least you're still hot even though you're dead." The side of Beca's mouth twitched as she looked past Chloe at the dead thing.
"Hm. Well..."
Beca hugged her, also not normal, but being dead would probably have that effect on people. They stood about the tree, standing in mid air.
"I love you, Chloe."
"I love you too, Beca."
"So do you feel bad?"
"Yeah. Well I treated her like shit." Aubrey told her therapist. The T-Mobile ring tone blasted. "Oh no," It was probably that bad news she was worried about. "Can I?"
"Go ahead."
"This is Aubrey Posen, how may I help?"
"Uh, yes. My name is Brittany Snow, you are the woman that is friends with those two suicide victims, right?"
Aubrey didn't even have to think. "Yes."
"So, I heard one of them said something about 'love is louder.'"
"Wait, did you say two suicides?"
"Yeah, a Beca Mitchell and Ch-"
"Can I call you back in like, 10 seconds?"
"Certainly!"
Aubrey hung up and checked her missed calls.
3 MISSED CALLS
1 MESSAGE CHLOE BEALE
Aubrey stared at the screen. "Oh please no... No...No...No!" She dropped her phone like it was some sort of radioactive poop. "No..." A knot in her throat made walking difficult, and her legs were about to give way. "Please..." Tears dared to fall out and her heart seemed to have fallen right out of her butt. "Chloe!" She held out the 'E' and her therapist opened the door to check on her. "You bitch!"