A little funny peace I wrote a while back. Nothind fancy but... well, enjoy.
An ordinary day in Hades
Charon the ferry man is about to ship over yet another bunch of dead souls.
- Oh, gods! There's so many of them today! One could think that there's another world war going on up there. Or a plague. I guess I'm gonna get myself a bigger boat any day. And hopefully with a turbo engine, beer fridge and a plusher drivers' seat.
- OHAY, all aboard now! It's time to leave, and you don't wanna wait around this side of Styx when they turn off the heating. Cold? Cold is just the surname. Let's just say that if you spit it's frozen when it lands on the ground. Freeze to death? Well if you haven't notice, girlie, you're dead already.
- Now stand in line, no pushing, stand in line, you are all gonna get a place aboard, stand in line I said. No pushing and showing! STAND IN LI... Yeah, I know you are German and don't understand the concept of lines, but just watch what the others are doing, will ya?
- Now two oboles for everyone. No I don't take Amex. No not Visa either, no #¤& credit cards, these are not valid down here! Two oboles I said, man, cash that is! No, I don't take chequebooks either! Obole? Yeah, that's a coin! No, that's a Euro, I don't take these! Ask Hermes next time he comes down, maybe he can change it for ya, I sorta remember Olympos converting to the Euro when the rest of Greece did. Yeah, Hermes, that's the brat with the wings on his shoes, he's an Olympian... No, DON'T you say I called him Brat for #§#¤§¤ sake!
- Cash is king? No, Hades is king. I mean... No, Hades is not a credit card, stupid... no, there's no bank machine here. Hurry up! You have to leave that big suitcase behind, mister, it won't fit on board and you can't take these things into Hades anyway. I don't care if it's a new laptop! Now stand in line back there, I said!
- No, Hades is the name of the kingdom as well as the king. (stupid mortals, don't they teach them ANYTHING in school these days?) No, don't throw litter on the ground! Whatya mean no trash bins? What do I care? Yeah, if you can eat the candy you can eat the paper as well. Yeah, that's what being dead is all about, punk! Now...
- TWO OBOLES, I told you miss, or you are not getting aboard. Yeah, well then you have to wait on this side... Like forever. How long that is? What do I know, forever...
- Now, hey YOU over there, no graffiti on the stone walls! Yeah, you have to wash it off... With your tongue of course... How long? Lemme guess, some thousand years...
- Now time to leave. No, these people could not pay the fare so they have to stay behind. Swimming across? No, that's not doable I'm afraid.
leaving
- Sit down in the boat, or you're all gonna fall into Styx and then you're gonna drown... what? Already dead? Yeah, I know that, don't try to be smart with me... And no PICTURES! And no "#¤ FILMING! ¤& Japanese!
- Styx? Yeah, that's the name of the river. No, there's no fish in it. And it's not pollution that has made it black, it was black from the start. (Gee - every ride contains at least one of these pesky environmentalists these days! And always the same stupid question.)
- No, there are no life wests on this boat.
- Yes, you are allowed to smoke - if you can find any cigarettes - he he. That's probably what brought you down here anyway!
- Leaking? Yeah, I know, it's an old boat this one, so you'll have to excuse if it's a bit leaky. How old - well some 2-300 years, what do I know, you tend to forget time after a while down here. No, there's no bar aboard, what do you think, you think this is some kind of cruise ship?
- Bathroom? Madam, you're DEAD, you don't need to go to the bathroom!
- What I'm gonna do with all those oboles? Mr, THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
landing
- Hades! Here's the new bunch of dead! - No, you are NOT allowed to feed Cerberus. ESPECIALLY not with peanut butter sandwiches. No, there ain't no McDonalds in Hades! Yes, yes, yes, Elvis is in there... somewhere (as if I should care!) ... An autograph? (blushes) well all right then.
- Yo Persephone whassup? Hades indisposable, how come? Some daft Olympian sent down flowers AGAIN? Haven't they learned that he's allergic to these thingies, that's why he became king of the underworld after all. Tell him that when he has stopped sneezing he can come out here and share a beer with me. It was an awful load today! Yeah, I know I say that everyday... sorry, my queen!