I don't love you.

I don't care what two giggling fruits think, I do not love you, Leopold Bloom.

So what if I look at you every once in a while? We share the same office. I can't help it if my eyes wander to you sometimes. You ain't bad-looking, kid. You really aren't. Why do you think all the chorus girls like you so much? Why do you think Ulla loves you? You're handsome. Damn, I'd go so far to say you're drop-dead gorgeous, with your boyish smile and innocent eyes and….

I'm getting off the subject.

So what if we sit close together? So what if I touch you on the shoulder, or the face, or brush stray hairs from your forehead? We're friends, and I'm a physical guy. I like expressing myself through my actions, dammit. There's nothing wrong with friends touching casually. Do NOT blow it out of proportion. You may argue that we do it more than casually (or at least I do), and all I have to say is….

Next topic.

So what if you've caught me gazing at you and Ulla and looking jealous? I've never had a gorgeous Swedish broad all over me, y'know. I'm past my prime and getting SLIGHTLY pudgy (shut up). I can't stand how close you two are sometimes, especially in front of me. Leo, you were mine long before she came into the picture--- what? Why are you smiling like tha---oh. Look, when I said you were "mine", I meant my friend. FRIEND. Stop laughing! You're supposed to be on my side. You're my friend, my best friend, and my ONLY friend really…. And you just HAD to complicate things by telling me you loved me.

I mean, why me! I'm almost 18 years your senior, and not in any way a pleasant person. I've manipulated my way through more situations than I care to think of, and for the love of god, I SLEEP WITH OLD WOMEN. I'm a dirty little rat, and you're…ugh, Leo, you're just perfect. Way too good for Ulla, way too good for any chorus girl with a size DD bra, and most certainly too good for me.

Umm…n-not that I wish I was good enough, that is. STOP SMILING, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Oops. Sorry, Leo. I didn't mean to yell. It's just…all this is a bit of a shock. You're MARRIED, son. You ain't supposed to have feelings for me or anyone else but Ulla. That and I'm straight. You know, interested in women? I love things in skirts, and that DOESN'T include Roger… whaddaya MEAN, "I could make an exception"? I already TOLD you, I don't love you! Geez, calm down. You're making me nervous, with that stupid blanket of yours.

Give it here.

Listen Leo, just because I don't love you doesn't mean we can't still be business partners and friends. I'm not gonna throw you out just cuz you fantasize about kissin' me. I'm not that kind of guy. Actually, it doesn't bother me at all. Shit, if you want a kiss every now and then, just ask. Just…just remember that it doesn't mean anything besides a friendly gesture. See? Nothing's gonna change between us, so don't worry. I care about you too deeply to let you go.

I guess, if you think about it, I do love you.

So what?