This is a formal complaint by Spartan designated 1453, known as Randal. Request sent in after Spartan's recent mission on Reach. Complaint filed, and stored for further documentation.
Okay honestly guys? Seriously? I have a few grievances here I'd like checked and filed and whatever the hell you do. I need to get this off my chest goddammit, so I though the best way to do that would be to write it out and send it to HQ. First of all, let me just say that I like being a Spartan. I really do, being a badass is pretty cool with me. I enjoy snapping necks with a kick and being almost impervious to most forms of harm. There are just a couple little issues I have with it all.
The first thing is the blood these bastards spray everywhere. You know as well as I do those freaking live streams of Grunts being shot are edited. Those bastards burst into flames if you hit them in the wrong place, their blood is enriched with methane for Christ's sake. Not only is the blood flammable, but its also acidic. All of this freaking blood scratched up my armor. Ir gets in every single crack, and it takes HOURS to polish this freaking monster. It's like a 300 pound suit, jeesh, I don't know what other Spartans have to deal with this, but I'm guessing Master Chief doesn't.
Since I'm still on the topic of armor, let me just say. What the hell? Seriously, what the freaking hell? Why do I have to take of my armor every time I need to piss, I've met lady Spartans and I know that they have waste filtration in their armor. Did I get ,like, an older version just to screw with me? Honestly, I feel inadequately equipped when it comes to this armor. I'll be on a mission, have to go in and kill some badass brute from 3 feet away, sneaking behind him with my assault rifle, then I have to take a piss. So what did I do? I pissed in my armor and killed him of course, but still got laughed at by Marines above all things.
By the way, who the hell trained the Marines? I want to see every training officer and punch them in the face. Every Marine I've ever met can't hold a gun better than some kid with Down's syndrome, even though I know that affliction is wiped out I'm still just going to use it as a reference. They can't shoot, and most definitely can't drive. I was on a mission recently where I sat in the back, manning the machine gun, and the idiot driver hits the only rock in the middle of the battlefield. THE ONLY ROCK. How the hell do you manage that? How? I'm guessing the Master Chief never has to deal with this, I bet he has a team of highly trained MArines following him around the clock hanging on to his every word.
Also, since I'm on the subject of the Master Chief, I AM NOT HIM! Do I have to get a freaking name-tag to tell the idiots that I'm just Randal the Spartan? These guys treat me like a machine at the mess hall, and sometimes I don't even get rations. I have to FILE A REQUEST that takes 3 hours to get rations sometimes. Really, all the regulations and rules are just bullshit. Who the hell has to wait 3 whole hours to get food besides me? I know all I have to do is take my helmet off, but then I get laughed at. Why? Because the Spartan Experiment gave me pink hair. PINK HAIR. Not only pink hair, but slightly translucent skin as well, and I squeak when I talk. I'm also the only one with this affliction, and I'm starting to think I'm just a joke Spartan. Anyway, these are my complaints and hopefully you'll read this and think "Wow, it sucks to be a Spartan."