Inej loves her boat, loves the open sea. The ocean is alive, always moving. Even when it seems quiet, and the waves settle low against the hull of her ship, there is still a sense of excitement, of anticipation. Waiting for the wind to come rolling back in, stoking the water into a frenzy, ready to propel her little warship onwards through the ocean.
They were leaving the openness of the True Sea behind now, pulling towards a familiar port. She could smell Ketterdam before she saw it, closing her eyes to breathe in the mist and fog of industry. Ghazen had been busy in her absence it seemed, its worshippers never ceasing in their endless quest for trade and profit. No one could accuse the Kerch of being idle, even the non-believers of the Barrel worked their fingers to the bone for a taste of success. Inej could at least understand that, after Ketterdam, she could feel no satisfaction in leading a quiet life.
Specht steers them towards the shore. She is the captain of course, but barely a year into this job, Inej is still learning and still relies on Specht's experience. Inej doesn't mind leaning on him when necessary, for someone who sports the cup-and-crow mark of the Dregs, Specht is a surpassingly decent person.
She should not be shocked by his humanity at this point, but after living in the Barrel for so many years, and now, facing slavers on a daily basis, it was easy to forget that there were some semi-honest people in the world. Most of his paycheque went towards supporting his sister, giving him little to spend on the other comforts in life. They had been to Novyi Zem, Shu Han, Ravka and Fjerda, and as long as Specht was fed and given enough time to visit his sister in Belend, he seemed happy to follow Inej wherever she pleased.
They dock at berth twenty-two, their usual spot, tying ropes into place, lowering sails and carrying supplies off-board. She'd be there for a little while, two weeks at the most. It felt like a break, a holiday.
She'd spent a similar amount of time, several months ago, with her parents in Ravka, slumbering in their caravan, speaking her native tongue, helping her mother with the cooking, sitting with her father in the evenings, and performing her old acts on the high-wire during the day. She still hadn't told them everything, so much had changed since that fateful morning the slavers had dragged her out of her bed. But it was enough to be around family. It was the same feeling she felt now as she looked around Fifth Harbour, drinking in the familiar sight of the Barrel.
Inej had hated it here once upon a very dark time in her life, but she was glad to be back, even if she would not stay.
It was home Inej felt as she reached the end of the docks only to be swept up by Jesper. He lifted her off the ground in his excitement, nearly knocking the wind out of her. She laughed despite the shock and the brief lurch of something unpleasant in her stomach, before returning his embrace, only to be joined by Wylan.
Inej slings her arms around each boy as Jesper finally lets her feet rest back against the wooden slats of the dock, grinning from ear to ear as they walk with her, both chattering so quickly Inej could barely keep up. She didn't need to glance up to know that Kaz was there, watching, but she did anyway.
He was standing there, on solid ground, leaning casually on his crow's head cane, looking the same as he had when she'd left him last. Same pale skin, same strange haircut, same tailored black suit. She had the sudden urge to run to him, to slip from Jesper and Wylan's grip and charge at him, wrap her arms around his neck and hear the surprised rasp of his voice in her ear. But she couldn't, for a plethora of reasons.
Instead, she beamed. It wasn't a hug, but the slight twist of his mouth, a brief genuine smile, was enough of a greeting. It made his eyes less harsh, a drop of milk in the dark coffee colour of his irises. By Kaz Brekker's standards, it was almost the height of affection. Almost. She could still remember the warmth of his glove-less hand in hers. He had them on today though, Inej tried to push down her disappointment.
"The mighty Captain Ghafa" he greeted, tone as dry as plaster "nice of you to grace us with your presence." Of course, he knew she was coming, he was Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, The Bastard of The Barrel, he knew all. Even if she wasn't his thief of secrets anymore, he still had his methods. But there was a difference between him knowing she was coming, and him actually limping out of his office to meet her.
"What business, Kaz?" she grinned at him, letting her arms slide from Jesper and Wylan's shoulders. He shrugged, a sharp motion, but his face remained impassive.
He was staring off into the distance, past Inej, in the direction of West Stave. She followed his line of vision but could see nothing through the thick smoke that covered the city like a blanket. It could be that he wasn't looking at anything at all, his gaze was unfocused, the wheals in his head spinning wildly. Saints, she had missed that look.
"Scheming face" she heard Jesper chuckle behind her.
"Definitely" Wylan agreed.
"You've cut your hair," said Kaz, finally snapping away from whatever plan had been brewing inside his brain this time. Inej couldn't help but feel a little miffed at how distracted he was, but at least he was here, even if his mind was back in the Slat.
"You noticed. I'm a little surprised" the corners of her mouth twisted. It had only been a few inches, the harsh winds and spray of the salt water had made her hair unruly and nearly impossible to maintain. Her dark hair now brushed her shoulder blades instead of kissing her lower back. It made life at sea a lot easier.
"I've got to notice these things for myself nowadays," said Kaz, a little bitterly, "my new spider is useless."
Inej rolled her eyes, there was nothing wrong with Roeder, but Kaz was never very good at letting things lie. He'd been determined to hate her replacement from the start. Perhaps it had been too optimistic to hope that his pouting would wear off with time. It's nice to have bee missed though, even if it's only in a professional manner.
"Give the girl a break, Brekker" Jesper claps her on the back, practically draping himself over her shoulders. "You need a decent meal," Jesper continued, speaking just to her this time, waving his arms around animatedly as he went.
"You'll love it, Wylan's servants make the best food –" he grinned, listing off the perks of being waited on while Inej laughed, letting him and the merchling lead her away from Fifth Harbour, leaving Kaz behind.
The Van Eck mansion is comfortable and cosy in ways that her ship is not. She still loves The Wraith, her little warship, small but deadly, just like her. But it's a pleasant change to sleep in a proper bed, it eased her aching muscles and rested her busy mind.
It was blissful being able to sleep in, feeling the warmth of the sun streaming through the window, to go downstairs in the morning and sit at the breakfast table with Wylan, Jesper and Marya, and be filled in on the latest gossip from the Barrel. Even better was hearing about Wylan's success in trade and Jesper's progress with his Grisha training, while Marya smiled warmly and offered Inej a second helping at every meal.
Inej liked to watch her paint, sometimes she'd pose for her, it felt strange at first, but she was good at staying still for long periods of time. It gave her mind a chance to wander, besides, it was hard to get bored with Wylan and Jesper sat at the nearby piano, Wylan trying to teach the sharpshooter where to place his hands.
The tender looks that passed between them made Inej's chest ache. She was happy for them, she was, but it was hard not to feel envious. Not of Wylan or Jesper specifically, but of the love that bloomed between them, it was the pure, gentle kind of love, the type her mother and father shared.
"No" Wylan sighed exasperatedly, taking Jesper's hands into his, positioning the sharpshooter's long fingers one more time, puffing out his cheeks as his boyfriend hit the wrong notes yet again, most likely, on purpose.
"Like that?" Jesper asked, grinning playfully.
Inej shifted her gaze out of the window, trying to see what she could of the Barrel through the mist. She watched as a pair of crows perched themselves on one of the visible rooftops, a fresh letter from Nina sitting in her lap. Inej thought of her friend, far across the sea in Ravka, she thought of Matthias and how brutally short his life had been. Inej didn't think that she imaged the sorrow woven between Nina's sentences.
She would write a reply soon, fill several pages with her exploits on The Wraith, of her arrival in Kerch, maybe even a passage about Jesper and Wylan's warm hospitality and sickening sweetness. And Kaz, she couldn't forget about him, even if she tried.
On her third day in Ketterdam, it was no surprise that Inej found herself back in the Barrel. She didn't wander the streets, milling through the crowds, instead, she pulled on her rubber-soled shoes and took to the rooftops once more.
It felt familiar and freeing. Inej climbed the rigging on her ship almost daily, as silent and as quick as ever. But to come here, back to where it all began, where she first honed her skills - it was otherworldly.
It was as if she were fourteen again, the peacock feather tattoo of the Menagerie freshly sliced away from her forearm, her blades still new and unsteady in her hands. The wind tugged at her braided hair as she moved like a phantom across the buildings of Ketterdam. This city had torn her apart and pulled her back together again, spitting her out stronger and sharper than Inej's young mind had ever believed possible.
Before the Ice Court, she'd thought she was done with this place, never to scale these buildings again. But she'd come back, for the people if nothing else. For gentle, wonderful Wylan, for energetic, charismatic Jesper. And for Kaz, equal parts terrible and brilliant. She couldn't leave them behind, not entirely.
The Church of Barter had been one of her favourite spots in the city, she'd known every inch of Ghazen's hand and was not all that surprised to find that she still did. But there were unpleasant memories attached to it now, of dust stinging her eyes, of Dunyasha's body smeared against the pavement below. Of the last time she saw Matthias, whole and healthy and alive.
But it was also the place where they had carried off the impossible, six good-for-nothing kids who had breached the Ice Court, who had taken down Van Eck and Pekka Rollins in one clean swoop. Kaz had led them to that victory. He had dragged them into hell but he had also pulled them out again.
She remembered the night they came here to scope Van Eck's house, she'd abandoned Kaz on the roof with his bad leg, unable to follow her without shuffling back down the winding staircase. He'd looked tired and bedraggled as they sailed back to Black Veil, his eyes wild as they always were when he was scheming. But he'd put her worries to rest that night, the toxic, poisonous words Van Eck had forced down her throat while she had been his captive.
"I would come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I would crawl to you."
It was evening when Inej finished reacquainting herself with Ketterdam, the majority had remained unchanged since her last visit seven months ago, but Inej couldn't help the giddiness that rose in her chest when she noticed a new façade to scale or a new spire to climb. The Wraith was back to where she'd been born, and it felt glorious.
Her ship was still her major priority - every dirty deed she had done in this city, every crime she had committed, every life Inej had taken in the name of the Dregs could never rival the satisfaction that roared inside of her as she tore down slaver after slaver. Steeling and killing couldn't match the feeling of pulling women and children from the slave ships' monstrous bowels onto the safety of The Wraith.
She could not stop every single ship, Inej knew that, but she felt…righteous. A word Kaz often liked to use to describe his twisted plots, but that didn't make the sentiment any less true.
When she entered the Slat, it almost felt as though no time had passed. It had, of course, and the changes to the once familiar building served as a reminder of exactly how much could change in just seven months. The Slat was bigger now, having merged with the previously dilapidated building next door. Several sets of steps had been added to the original rickety staircase, branching off in all directions like streams from a diverging river.
These interior changes were most likely made to house the fresh blood seated around a few of the tables, laughing and telling stories of the previous night's exploits. They were young, younger than even her. At eighteen, Inej suddenly felt very old beside these baby-faced criminals.
Many looked at her oddly, as if trying to figure out why some strange girl had just waltzed right into Dregs' headquarters. Some reached for their weapons but none acted. Instead, they looked to the more seasoned members at the back of the Slat, searching for guidance.
Inej followed their gaze and was happy to be met with familiar faces, Anika, Drix, Pim, Keeg, Rotty and even Roeder, her replacement, were situated around several small tables, supping down alcohol and trying their luck at low-risk card games. They all rose up from their seats at the sight of her, and Inej could do nothing but grin as they surrounded her, patting her on the back, offering her large flagons of beer and asking questions about her latest voyage. Their greetings were boisterous and a tad too enthusiastic for her taste, but Inej was pleased to be received so warmly.
The sincerity of their welcome had taken her aback slightly, sure she had been one of them, but she'd left, hadn't she? And it wasn't as though she'd ever been a true member, Inej had never taken the cup-and-crow tattoo for a start. But she had bled for the Dregs, and had spilt plenty of their enemies' blood in return. Perhaps that's all it took to create lasting friendships in this particular crack of the Barrel.
She politely waved away their offers of card games and booze, instead, making her way towards the very end of the Slat. She rapped her knuckles on the door of the main office, Per Haskell's old residence, waiting to be called in out of sheer habit before thinking better of it, and pushing the door open.
The old man was long gone, and yet, it was still jarring to see Kaz sat behind the desk, hunched over his paperwork, his lips parted as if on the verge of telling her to 'piss off'. Recognition flickered in his eyes before he could get the words out. Kaz closed his mouth quickly, beckoning her inside.
"You used the front door" he stated, returning to his work. It was not a question, but Inej answered anyway, shutting the door behind her.
"You're on the ground floor now, there'd be no fun in climbing through your window anymore." Inej knew he must still be sleeping in his old office, Haskell's bed had been removed from the adjoining room. This was a space for business, built to intimidate rather than offer respite.
It was grander than his old office, where his desk had been made from a pair of weathered crates and a flat piece of timber, the bookshelves were fully lined, too, the glossy wood of the desk beautiful beneath the piles of paper. It was odd to see actual work being done in this room, as opposed to the construction of model ships or however else the old man had occupied his time. Saints knew Haskell had never put in enough effort to keep the gang afloat by himself, it was inevitable, really, that the Dregs would fall into Kaz's far more capable hands.
It hadn't escaped Inej's notice that most of the older members were no longer around. Per Haskell's old buddies, the washed-up criminals of yesteryear were most likely miles away at this point, still licking their wounds. Wherever they had ended up, they would never be welcome in Dregs territory again, not after Kaz's dramatic coup.
If Inej hadn't seen it herself, she might have believed it just another rumour, another story in the mythos of Dirtyhands, but somehow, one boy with a bad leg and a huge disadvantage had sent Haskell's men scattering like rats to the sewer.
Sometimes she wondered if there was anything he couldn't do...besides touch her.
"My apologies," the left corner of his mouth twitched upwards, his voice as dry as sandpaper. "I'll try and pick something a little more challenging for you the next time I move offices. The ground floor is easier on my leg. Us cripples have to take it easy, you see."
Inej snorted. Kaz had never been an invalid, with or without his cane. And as for taking it easy, that also seemed like a mute point for Kaz. Dark circles hung under his eyes and Inej wondered when he'd last slept.
Inej took her usual perch by the window, the view from the ground floor was practically non-existent, and she couldn't feed the crows from down here. But the sense of normality made it worth it. They had spent nearly three years following this exact routine, him working away at his desk, Inej watching Ketterdam churn onwards from the windowsill, stealing brief glances at him whenever she could.
He was handsome, pale and sleep-deprived as he was. It was a fact Inej had always been aware of, and yet, when her eyes traced his face they never lingered on his high cheekbones or the pleasing slope of his nose, instead, she would focus of the pale silvery scars that marred his otherwise perfect skin.
Inej would often wonder what it would be like to trace the scar that cut across his lips. It was a stupid thought, of course, the by-product of a fifteen-year-old girl with a crush and a saviour complex. But it was one that still plagued her all these years later.
Staring is precisely what she's doing when Kaz finally looks up from his ledger, dropping his pen onto the desk with a clatter, rubbing at the back of his neck and rolling his shoulder as if trying to work out a kink in his spine.
"What business, Kaz?" Inej asked, shifting her gaze out of the window, biting the inside of her cheek as embarrassment unfurled inside her stomach.
"I need a favour, Wraith."
"Oh?" Inej hummed, her lips curving upwards despite herself, she wasn't exactly in the mood for a job, still tired and sore from her last battle on the sea, but she'd be willing to humour him, for old time's sake. But Inej wasn't prepared for what came next.
"Walk with me" he requested, and Inej nodded dumbly, unsure of how else to answer. Her eyes were glued to his fingers as he peeled off his gloves, leaving them behind on the centre of his desk. Kaz stood, taking up his cane and moving to stand by the open door, waiting for her.
Inej rose, forcing herself to snap out of her reverie. A walk sounded good, Inej definitely needed some air.
They walked around the entirety of the Barrel, Kaz's bad leg was stiff from the bitter wind, but Inej didn't mind their slow pace. They made small talk as they went, Kaz told her about the progress of the Crow Club, and Inej filled him in on bits and pieces from her journeys at sea, stories he most likely already knew from Specht. But mostly they walked in silence, it was the comfortable sort that had always existed between them, but Inej felt so many words gathering on the tip of her tongue, threatening to spill out.
There was so much she'd wanted to say to him over that past seven months, Inej had lost track of how many times she'd turned around on The Wraith, about to tell him something or make a witty remark only to be met by his absence. Inej bit her tongue and kept pace beside him.
It was West Stave they ventured to last. Inej used to be terrified of coming here, even when flanked by the Dregs. She'd hide behind Rotty or Anika, would tuck herself against Jesper's side, desperate to avoid any flashes of peacock feathers, or worse, those sharp hazel eyes. But she was a pirate now, fearless and ruthless, she had thwarted Tante Heleen before, had stolen that gaudy checker from around her pretty neck, like she was just another pathetic mark, fresh off the boat in Fifth Harbour. Inej was not afraid anymore.
She forced her head high, ready to see the Menagerie, or what was left of it. The Stave was packed at that time, full of tourists and pleasure seekers, ready to enjoy everything the Barrel had to offer.
The two of them were given a wide enough berth that no one so much as brushed against their shoulders as they went. When she'd left, Kaz had been the meanest, scariest thing walking around the streets of the Barrel, and he still was. Kaz walked as if he owned the place, head high, shoulders back despite his pronounced limp. She had to remind herself that he did practically own not just the Barrel, but half of Ketterdam at this point.
With Per Haskell gone and Pekka Rollins currently out of the game, Kaz was the ultimate Barrel boss, the one they all feared. He was a scary story the rich told their children at night."Don't stray into the Barrel or Dirtyhands will get you, there's nothing he won't do".
And perhaps her legend was still alive and well, too, because no-one dared meet her eye, all steered clear of the Suli girl and the cripple as they made their way down the Stave, both so recognisable that even the tourists knew the steer clear. The Wraith and Dirtyhands together again, a partnership that would surely send the rival gangs scurrying.
Inej had almost forgotten about the Menagerie until she realised that Kaz had stopped walking, he stood in place, both hands resting on his cane as he stared at the row of pleasure houses across from them. Kaz didn't have wandering eyes, that was at least something she didn't have to worry about during her long boat trips away, but he did wear a small smirk that spelt nothing but trouble.
Inej followed his line of sight, her lips parting slightly. The Menagerie was gone. Of course, it was, Tante Heleen had been struggling to pay her rent after Kaz and Nina's stunt with the fake plague, but Inej had always believed that the woman would somehow endure, would use those good looks of hers and vile wits to get her own way once more.
Just like Kaz would always be waiting for Pekka Rollins' inevitable return, she would always be waiting for Tante Heleen.
Inej felt nothing but satisfaction as she looked at Heleen's beloved whore house, torn to shreds by thieves, every last valuable item stripped from the building until only the bare bones remained. It was almost unrecognisable. It wasn't enough to sate Inej entirely, perhaps nothing ever would be, Heleen Van Houden deserved to suffer, and this wasn't even close to being enough.
She deserved nothing but pain and anguish for the rest of her days, for the stolen girls who she had bought like trinkets for her collection, renting out their bodies to men more than twice their age, only to beat them bloody when they did not meet her impossible standards.
The tattoo Heleen had marked her with was gone, but the agony Inej had experienced at that woman's hands remained.
"It's Dregs property now" Kaz explained, and Inej's head snapped around to look at the sharp lines of his profile. He continued staring straight ahead at the boarded-up building, but Inej could swear that his eyes drifted to her for the briefest of seconds.
"I thought you might like to see it one last time, before I tear it down." Inej felt breathless, just when she thought she had Kaz Brekker pinned down he always seemed to find a way to surprise her.
"And Tante Heleen?" she asked.
"Fled. I hear it was nasty for her, having that plague grafted off of her face" Kaz's grin was cruel and wicked, but Inej couldn't help but laugh, a free, wild sound that had her tossing her head back and sent onlookers scattering. She thought of Tanta Hellen's beautiful face ruined forever, first by the dead cells Nina had fused to her, secondly by the Mediks helpless to remove them without damaging that flawless skin of hers. Now she'd know what it was like to be marked against her will.
Perhaps she'd find a good enough Tailor to put her right, but most Grisha had fled Ketterdam after the situation with the Shu. If she were Tante Heleen, Inej wouldn't hold her breath. Finally, the outside would match the inside, and perhaps people would finally see Heleen for what she was, a monster.
Kaz often liked to describe himself as such, others did too - demon, beast, monster, Dirtyhands was meant to be the worst of the worst. And perhaps he was, in his own way, but there was good in there too. Kaz never did something for nothing, and yet, he'd freed her from the Menagerie, had freed her again from Per Haskell's contract, had fought tooth and nail to save her from Van Eck. And he'd spent that hard earned money on a ship and locating her parents.
Despite everything they'd been through, Inej found herself waiting for a catch, because with Kaz there had always been one. Instead, all he'd asked of her was for her to return. Not that she'd stay, he wouldn't ask that of her again, but that she'd come back to Ketterdam, back to him whenever she could spare the time. It was a debt she was happy to bear.
Inej is sure he must have paid Heleen a visit, it's the only way Kaz Brekker could know her fate for sure, he was not the type to make random assumptions. He had most likely reached out to the woman the same way Inej had to Pekka Rollins. If he rallied against the Dregs or Kaz again she would slip back into his home and cut his heart right out of his chest.
He'd looked so frightened pinned beneath her knees as her blade dug against his ribs. Inej would not slaughter his child, but Pekka didn't need to know that, the knowledge that she could was enough to petrify him. She hoped that fear made Pekka miserable on a daily basis. He and Heleen deserved all they had gotten. And more.
"Laugh it up, Wraith" Kaz remarked, lips twisting in amusement "what would your Suli saints think of you now, laughing at another's misfortune?"
Inej didn't care how little he thought of her Saints, it was a matter they would never agree on. But perhaps they had acted through him in this instance, or maybe, he had done this all on his own.
"The Saints don't like monsters, Kaz, they would be pleased to see her downfall."
"I better start repenting then" he smirks sarcastically. He didn't believe in her gods, and that was fine, but she knew the truth. Dirtyhands may be a monster, but Kaz Brekker was not.
She rolled her eyes at his words but said no more, watching his bare fingers shift against the head of his cane. If he wanted to carry on pretending to be the thing that lurked beneath children's beds and down dark alleyways, Inej would let him hold onto that particular scrap of armour, just this once.
Inej awoke in a room in the Van Eck mansion to find Kaz Brekker hovering in the doorway. Technically, it was her room, Wylan and Jesper had been very insistent on that front, but the plush bed and decorative furniture still took some getting used to.
Inej deeply appreciated their offer, it was reassuring to know that she would always have a place to come back to in Ketterdam. Kaz had given away her bed at the Slat the same night she had vacated it. There were plenty more Dregs in need of somewhere warm to sleep, and Inej refused to allow herself to feel annoyed by it. She had no right to be angry at Kaz, she had known what leaving would entail.
"What business, Kaz?" she asked groggily, her mouth felt as though she'd swallowed sand, her head pounding and stomach swirling as though she were caught on her ship in the middle of a storm. Helping Jesper and Wylan finish off the last of Jan Van Eck's expensive collection of liquors had been a terrible idea.
He shrugged sharply, closing the door and Inej noticed a glass of water in his gloved hand which he placed gently on her nightstand. Inej reached for it, quickly gulping down the cool water without abandon as Kaz perched himself tentatively on the end of her bed.
His movements were stiff, and Inej was sure she could hear his knees creak. She almost laughed at this old man stuck in such a young man's body. But he had saved her from dehydration, the least she could do was not damage his ego.
"Does everything have to be business with you?" he asked, seemingly more focused on maintaining the conversation rather than the actual words leaving his lips.
Inej arched an eyebrow. "That's a little rich coming from you, don't you think?"
"Probably" he returned simply, his gaze focused on his lap.
She felt suddenly nervous. She had never allowed boys into her room back at the Slat, a luxury Inej had not been given at the Menagerie, where male company was forced upon her whether she liked it or not. She brought her knees up to her chest protectively, ignoring how her delicate stomach churned in protest.
Sometimes she still awoke from nightmares. It was always the same, the slavers dragging her by her hair, the sting of Heleens' blows, her tears as her silks were forcibly ripped away from her body. Inej may be the Wraith, a pirate, a captain, the scourge of slavers everywhere, but she still struggled with the horrors of her past.
Inej forced herself to relax, breathing in slowly through her nose and out through her mouth until her anxiety subsided. Because there was nothing to fear, not now, this was Kaz, not one of her old clients. He was the one who had freed her from the awful place, Kaz who couldn't touch her even if he wanted to because of his own demons, the fear that flickered behind his own eyelids at night.
He had nearly fainted when he'd changed her bandages in that hotel room, Inej can recall the image perfectly, of the determined set of his jaw as he pushed forward, desperate to prove a point to himself, and to her. She knew that even if he could lay a hand on her without the nightmares coming, that he wouldn't, not unless she wanted him to. Because Kaz Brekker may have done terrible things but he was not that kind of monster.
"I will have you without armour, Kaz Brekker, or I will not have you at all."
They were words spoken out of frustration, and they had perhaps been more than a little unfair. Inej knew better than anyone, how hard it was to move on from the past.
She watched in salience, confused by his sudden presence. Perhaps it was because she was leaving in two days. Kaz has never been good at goodbyes. She watches his profile in the low light, the sharp line of his jaw, the way he seemed to be fighting against himself. She watched as he lifted his hand, slowly sliding off his leather glove, finger by finger before placing the glove gently on the sheets between them, tenderly as if it were an old friend.
His Adam's apple bobs and Inej watches how his hand trembles as he reaches out for her. Inej responds wholeheartedly, raising her hand to meet his, her movements wary, as if approaching a skittish animal. They had done this before, when he'd first bought her ship, but that had been almost a year ago, and the type of damage that ran through them both could not be fixed so easily. Maybe it never could.
"Brick by brick" she heard him murmur, more to himself than her before intertwining their fingers, his thumb rubbing against the back of her hand. It did not matter how long it took, or if it ever panned out at all, because Kaz Brekker was trying, trying for her, and that was what mattered.
The next time she returns to Ketterdam, it's with Nina in tow. It had been a relatively smooth journey back from Ravka (only one attack), and it was refreshing to share a boat trip with her best friend where neither party were on their deathbeds.
Inej had been initially surprised when she had first picked up Nina in Os Alta, to find that she was not alone. The white wolf followed Nina like a shadow, its strange eyes always fixed on its mistress. Inej had nearly jumped out of her skin when the large creature had bared its teeth at her. Nina had just laughed and wound her fingers in the wolf's soft fur.
It had taken some getting used to, wherever Nina went Trassel followed, the beast at least soon grew accustomed to Inej to the point where it would sniff her fingers and allow her to pet its huge head. Despite the harsh gash across the wolf's face and its intimidating set of teeth, there was something gentle in the animal's countenance. If she hadn't seen it rip a slavers' arm off with its mouth, Inej would have been tempted to believe that he was all bark and no bite.
"He belonged to Matthias" Nina explained one morning, her fingers scratching behind Trassel's ears as they peered out over the side of The Wraith. The other girl's long brown hair whipped around her face, her green eyes distant in that moment. Inej had rested her head on Nina's shoulder, her hand seeking out her friend's pale one, unable to offer anything more than a reassuring squeeze.
Jesper and Wylan were waiting at the docks again, and if Inej thought her welcome was warm, it was nothing compared to what Nina received. It had been a long time since Nina was home. Home, her old self would have scoffed at the idea.
Home was supposed to be her parents and a Suli caravan in West Ravka. But now it was also Ketterdam, home was three boys and one girl. And now, a wolf.
Kaz didn't meet them at the docks, but when they went to Kooperom for a late breakfast, he was already sat at a booth waiting for them, a round of waffles spread out across the table. They crammed into the benches, Kaz moving to the head of the table where he wouldn't have to worry about brushing elbows.
Nina's wolf slept by her feet, too large and terrifying for any of the staff to offer much protest. Jesper was eating one-handed, his other arm slung over his boyfriend's shoulders. Finance, Inej corrected herself with a smile. That's why they were here after all, for their engagement party.
Nina filled the boys in on her travels in Ravka, telling them about the Little Palace, of Zoya and Genya and Kuwei. She did not bring up Fjerda or Matthias and neither did they. Inej let herself zone out slightly, they were all stories Inej had heard aboard the ship. Instead, her dark eyes travelled over to Kaz.
His shirt was damp, faded pink blotches dotted across the white fabric, traces of what Inej knew must have been blood. He may have tried to clean himself up before their arrival, but the stains and split lip couldn't escape her notice. It seemed Dirtyhands had already had a busy morning. His eyes caught hers, his mouth pulling up on one side.
"You know," Nina said with pursed lips, drumming her fingers against the table. "I have been back nearly three hours and you, Brekker, have barely said two words to me" she sniffed. Inej rolled her eyes, Nina was not truly offended, Kaz was Kaz, it was pointless trying to change that, Inej should know, she had once tried. But the two still had to go through this same routine, acting like squabbling siblings.
"I didn't realise you needed any grand gestures from me, Nina, dear" Kaz rolled back his left shoulder until his joints cracked.
"I don't," she huffed haughtily "but a 'hello' might be nice, maybe an enquiry about my wellbeing?"
"Let's not get carried away, Zenik" Kaz drawled, as toneless as ever. "Will a second round of waffles buy your silence?"
"Bribes are always welcome" Nina smiled sweetly, Kaz's poor manners seemingly forgotten. Nina was quick to forgive, especially when food was brought into the equation.
Inej and the others sat slumped in their seats, nursing their full bellies, watching as Nina poured apple flavoured syrup of her fresh stack of waffles. It was good to have her back, even if she threatened to eat them out of house and home.
They all gathered at Wylan and Jesper's place for dinner, minus Kaz, who had disappeared, most likely to finish off whichever poor soul had bled on him earlier that morning.
It was late into the evening when Inej sat down at the piano with Jesper, playing quietly so as not to wake Wylan's mother. Nina had monopolised a plate of biscuits at the table, and Wylan was curled in a cosy, high-backed armchair near the window, scratching away at his notepad.
"How does it feel to be a kept man, Fahey?" Nina asked with a sly grin and a mouth full of crumbs. "Must be nice…"
Jesper huffed at her words, pouting like a child "I am not a kept man, I help with the investments. Don't I, Wy?" he turned to his boyfriend in the corner, seeking reinforcements.
"Yes, dear" Wylan hummed, never so much as glancing up from his work.
Jesper scowled at the redhead. "Why do I like you again?"
Nina snorts "you can't do any better than Wylan, Jes. Besides, you've liked a lot more dubious characters."
Inej couldn't fight her grin as Wylan looked up from his work, pushing his pencil behind his ear, suddenly interested. "Oh? Please enlighten me."
"Well, Kaz Brekker for one" Inej cut in, falling into a fit of laughter that had, undoubtedly, been brought on by the wine. No one was more 'dubious' than him.
Wylan looked flabbergasted. "Seriously, Jesper?" he asked, more incredulous than anything.
Jesper glared at Inej for blabbing on him, "you can laugh all you want, Wraith, but some of us got off that fuckin' crazy train while we still could. What's your excuse?"
Inej merely shrugged, still chuckling.
"She and Wylan just have terrible taste in men" Nina answered for her, grinning smugly from ear to ear until Jesper pulled the plate of biscuits away from her in retaliation. If Wylan's mother managed to sleep through Nina's indignant squawking it would be nothing short of a miracle.
Watching Jesper and his father being ordered around by Nina was its own form of entertainment. Nina was sat in a chair in the backyard, fanning herself with her hand, pointing and giving instructions to Jes and Colm of where to place the various tables and chairs. Anyone would think it was her engagement party, but Inej ha to admit that her "vision" is shaping up rather nicely. Too nicely, considering that the Dregs were invited.
Inej eyed the elaborate centrepieces and intricate decorations with trepidation. She had never been to a fancy party before, being denied access to Hringkalla didn't really count in her book. But perhaps it would be fun for them all, to put on their best flash and dine like merchers for a night.
Wylan clicked his tongue disapprovingly as Jesper winked at him through the kitchen window, but Inej didn't miss the pleased smile that played across his lips as he helped her pour drinks for Nina's unwitting victims. It was a pleasant change from his usually serious expression.
"Have I congratulated you yet?" Inej asked, feeling suddenly guilty for her bad manners. "Because I'm really happy for you both, we all are."
"Thank you," Wylan smiled sheepishly "I know it's a bit sudden, and we're still so young, but...life is short." His eyes flickered towards Nina, "I think it's worth taking a gamble."
"You've been spending too much time with Jesper" Inej teased. Wylan's gaze once again fixed itself out the window where Jesper and Nina were now bickering. Inej took the opportunity to study his face, his smooth, unfrowed brow, the large spattering of freckles across his nose brought on by the Ketterdam summer, and the pleased lilt of his lips. It was a look Inej recognised well, Wylan wore the expression of someone who was enjoying the taste of new-found freedom.
His lips twitched and something mischievous flickered in those blue eyes of his, "my father would have hated this".
Inej beamed. What better way to stick it to Jan Van Eck than to fill his conservative home with a raucous band of criminals and thugs? Except, perhaps, by marrying one of them.
"I was thinking about having a bonfire" Wylan continued, wearing that same rueful expression. Inej sometimes forgot, with that angelic face of his, that Wylan Van Eck could be just as sly and cunning as the rest of them. "Those expensive paintings in his office would make pretty good kindling".
Inej laughed, loud and hearty, "just don't tell Kaz how much Kruge they're worth, he might cry."
The party is beautiful. Both men looked rather dashing in their tailored suits, Wylan's rust-coloured curls neatly combed out of his face and Jesper, for once, in clothing that didn't clash horribly.
All the Dregs are in attendance, the party loud and boisterous. Pim and Rotty seemed determined to drink Jesper and Wylan dry, while Drix and Anika gave the band a run for their money, requesting song after song between trips to the dance floor, each decked out in their best Barrel-flash.
Wylan's mother was sat in one of the quieter corners, clapping along to the music and talking to Jesper's father, both looking jovial as their respective sons move across the makeshift dancefloor. Well, they don't so much 'dance' as Jesper gropes poor Wylan in time to the music. The boy is almost as red as his hair but happier than Inej has ever seen him.
Inej can feel her own joy rolling off of her body in waves. It felt amazing to see two people she cared so much about so happy. Saints knew they both deserved it.
Inej feels a tad awkward in her dress. It's modest, cutting off just below her knee, but hangs off her shoulders in a way that exposes her collar bones. The deep purple fabric is irrefutably nice against her skin, even Inej is willing to admit that she feels rather pretty tonight. Perhaps she should let Nina pick her outfits more often.
If Inej thought she had been stubborn when it came to accepting to Grisha girl's help with her wardrobe, Nina had hit a hard and unmovable object when it came to Kaz. He stood beside her now, dressed in his usual crisp black suit - same hair, same waistcoat, same cane. But no gloves.
He wore them less and less these days.
"You look like you're going to a funeral!" Nina had tossed up her hands in exasperation when he'd first arrived, looking angry enough to wring his neck.
"We don't have funerals" Kaz deadpanned, sulking off towards a corner where he would most likely brood or scheme for the rest of the evening.
"He has a point" Inej had mused, biting back a laugh as Nina puffed out her cheeks.
"Don't you start!" she'd huffed, stomping off in her Heartrender red gown and heeled shoes, as much of a drama queen as ever.
Whether she had moved to him or he had moved to her, Inej was unsure, but she and Kaz ended up side by side regardless. Inej watched as Nina was swept away from the buffet table by Jesper and Wylan, all three cackling as the girl was pulled into a bumbling, three-person slow dance. It was a relief to see her laughing, Inej had missed the sound.
"You not going to ask me to dance, Kaz?" Inej taunted, casting her gaze to the man next to her. Inej had danced quite a bit herself already, as unskilled a she was. Two with Wylan and Jesper respectively, and one with Colm Fahey who had been nothing but gracious, no matter how many times she'd stepped on his feet.
Kaz didn't blush, he never had, despite her best efforts "That desperate to watch me hobble around the dance floor, Wraith?"
"I'll lead."
"Doesn't really solve the problem" Kaz shook his head, running a hand through his hair in what could only be exasperation. He faltered then, pausing mid-movement to look at her. Inej's brows furrowed as he just stared, bitter coffee eyes unblinking.
"You look nice…" he comments eventually, and Inej has the sudden urge to press the back of her hand against his forehead to check his temperature. She doesn't, for obvious reasons. Instead, she does a good job of not flushing, because a compliment from Kaz Brekker was as crazy and extraordinary as his schemes.
"You look the same as always" she returns, listening to him snort indignantly. "I didn't say that it was a bad thing". Certainly not.
Perhaps in another world they could dance together, in another life where they hadn't been so beaten down by fate that even holding hands was a struggle. But if she had never been taken by that slave ship and if he had never come to Ketterdam, they would have never met. As damaged as they are, it's impossible for Inej to imagine a reality where their lives didn't collide.
Kaz had never offered her safety, and yet she had found it because of him. He had given her the freedom and skills she had needed to become dangerous, to be the thing men feared rather than the little girl who flinched at the sound of deep voices. She had put in the work, had honed her skills with her blades, had used her family's teachings to make herself into the best spider in the Barrel.
But if Kaz hadn't freed her, Inej knows that she would have died in that brothel. He had given Inej her first knife and a sense of hope. Because of that, she could sleep soundly in her bed in her parents' caravan, her blades tucked under her pillow, dozing without fear, because if the slavers ever came back for her, Inej knew that this time, she would be ready.
She no longer had to worry about being manhandled, if someone grabbed her against her will she would cut their hands off. But perhaps it was a cruel twist of fate, Inej thought as she watched Kaz's bare hands twitch against the head of his cane, a punishment from her Saints, that the one man she actually wanted to touch her, couldn't.
The way his eyes dragged over her as Jesper roped her into another dance, left Inej with no doubt that he knew exactly what he was missing.
Perhaps, at Jesper and Wylan's wedding in a year's time, they'd be ready to stumble their way across the dance floor together.
Inej finds Nina by the water after the party has already raged on for several hours. Nina sits on the edge of the canal, not seeming to care that her beautiful dress is getting dirty. There's a plate of food in her lap and her loyal wolf is sat like a statue by her side.
Inej seats herself beside her, instantly sliding her hand into hers. Nina doesn't cry, but she takes several shaky breaths as if she might. As much planning and effort Nina had put into making this party special for their friends, Inej knows it must be hard for her, to see Jesper and Wylan, with their whole future ahead of them.
Inej wished that things had worked out differently. They were all supposed to make it back in one piece, they had been so close, and yet, they had still lost Matthias. Inej had wanted so much more for her best friend, had wanted her to be able to return home with her beloved Fjerdan, had wanted them to change the world, get married, perhaps even have a few blonde-haired, green-eyed babies.
Matthias had been good and strong and reliable, he had helped rescue her from Van Eck, had put everything on the line to help a girl he barely knew. He had changed so much over the short rime Inej had known him, turning the hate that had been forced down his throat as a child into respect and understanding. And he had loved Nina, it had burned in his eyes every time he had looked at her. Matthias, for all his flaws, had sacrificed everything for Nina, had worshipped the ground she walked on.
They had deserved a future together, had deserved to die old and happy, surrounded by loved ones. But when has life ever been fair? Certainly not in Ketterdam.
Inej swallows the rawness in her own throat, pushing Nina's soft brown hair behind her ear, letting Nina press her face against her shoulder as the tears started to fall.
"I miss him" she whispers, and Inej's heart breaks for her. She wishes she could take the pain away from her, but love is a complicated thing, it hurts as much as it heals. Inej is well acquainted with the feeling, like barbed wire inside your chest.
"It's stupid," Nina says quietly as Inej strokes her hair, her pale hand reaching out for her wolf. He rests his head in her lap, eyes closing as she scratches behind his ears "but I think Trassel was his way of coming back to me."
"I don't think it's stupid" Inej shook her head, remembering Matthias' final words. It wasn't stupid at all. In the end, all Inej could do was hold Nina until her tears stopped. Her skin was blotchy, her bright eyes wet, but Nina still looked beautiful, even with mud on her dress.
Fireworks exploded above the canal, littering the darkened sky with spectacular splashes of colour. Inej knew Wylan's handy work when she saw it.
"Come on" Inej encouraged, dusting off the skirt of her dress before holding her hand out to Nina. "Let's go get some cake".
Nina nodded, swatting away the last of her tears, fixing Inej with a smile as she let herself be pulled to her feet. "Cake makes everything better" she hummed, linking her arm with Inej's.
Later, when all the other guests have either passed out or returned home, the five of them gather around the bonfire in the mansion's backyard and raise a glass to Matthias, their fallen brother in arms.
The time soon comes when Inej has to return to her ship, back to the True Sea, to her crew and also to take Nina back to Ravka. But after such a long visit, it made saying goodbye to their friends all the more painful. Nina was ugly crying on poor Wylan, who helplessly patted her back, looking at Jesper for assistance. Inej watched the display on the docks with undisguised amusement.
"It always feels as though you're rushing off" Kaz states, eyeing Specht and the crew loading supplies onto The Wraith. Time always seemed to fly when she was in Ketterdam, from the time she docked the hours felt like seconds and, before she knew it, Inej had to set sail once more.
The air was warm, and Inej closed her eyes, letting herself enjoy it. Her sleeves were already rolled up around her elbows in an attempt to stay cool in the summer heat. No longer did she have to worry about the marks Heleen's tattoo had left behind, especially not in present company.
"You should know, Kaz, you don't stop either," she smiled almost sadly. He never ceased in his work, and neither did she. He should understand her need to be back out there better than anyone. There were lives to save and monsters to slay out on the True Sea, just as there were gangs to crush and money to be made in the Barrel. They each had their own lives to lead and goals to achieve.
Kaz scowled a little, irritable as he always was whenever she was leaving. Perhaps Inej only noticed because knew him so well, Kaz liked to glare at a lot of things, people, places, even the occasional object. But Inej was keenly aware of the subtle changes that danced across his face. She was nowhere near being able to read his mind, but Inej liked to believe she was more fluent in the language of Kaz Brekker than most.
"If you're ever looking to take a break –" she began.
"I don't take breaks."
"And that's why you're going to die before you hit thirty" Inej chides. It's just like old times, as though they are fifteen again and she is scolding him like a mother hen.
"Everyone needs a break, Kaz, even you. If you ever fancy a bit of sea air, you know where to find me," she grins, making to hop down the stairs and peal Nina off of their resident demo expert, but Kaz stops her.
She jolts a little, surprised at the feeling of his bare hand against her exposed forearm. It was a big step, perhaps too big, she could see the struggle in his face, see the walls rising. But then he slides his fingers down to her wrist, pressing against her pulse, his lips moving ever so slightly, eyes closed. He's counting her heartbeats, grounding himself in the present. Surely her pulse must be faster than normal, she's not used to the sensation of his thumb brushing against her wrist. At last, Kaz opens his eyes and Inej swallows.
"I will have you Kaz Brekker," she had told him, what felt like a million years ago. "Without armour, or I will not have you at all."
Even the slightest brush of skin used to send him reeling, but since her last visit he'd been able to touch her hand with almost no discomfort, and now her wrist. Brick by brick. The progress was slow, but it was still progress. Maybe one day they'd get there.
Inej approached him carefully, searching his eyes for any sign of alarm. But he trusted her, with his life and with his weaknesses. Kaz knew she would not force touch upon him, would never purposely make him uncomfortable, not after all she had suffered at the Magnagerie. She pulls down her sleeves, covering her skin and letting him remove his hand from her wrist. Inej shifted closer, slowly resting her head against his chest, ensuring that she was only touching him through his shirt, before encircling her arms around his middle.
He stiffed slightly at first, but then relaxed -they were touching but also not touching. Skin on skin was still too difficult for him, but this seemed fine, more than fine. Inej thought her heart might break through her ribcage with its pounding. Kaz takes a few long seconds to adjust before wrapping an arm around her waist pulling Inej more snugly against him.
He smelt like coffee and ink and worn leather, Inej inhaled the smell, converting it to memory. Her breath faltered, sticking in her throat as she felt am ungloved hand press lightly against the top of her head, Kaz's long, lockpick's fingers smoothing against her hair.
"Is this alright?" he rasped against her ear, and Inej could only nod, words beyond her in that moment. They stayed that way for awhile, until Jesper wolf-whistled at them and the spell was broken. Inej pulled back quickly, fixing her hair, her cheeks burning.
When Inej finally chanced a glance at the rest of their friends they were all staring, Jesper looked as though he were about to make a comment but Wylan stomped on his foot, hard, before he could so much as utter a syllable.
The heat in her cheeks subsided, and Inej took one final look at Kaz. A simple verbal goodbye didn't seem fitting, there was so much she still wanted to say, but Inej doubted she'd ever have the vocabulary in Kerch to ever truly capture it. Perhaps she'd have to teach him Suli.
"No mourners?" she smiled, head tilting slightly.
"No funerals" he echoed, and Inej would treasure that little grin he gave her until the next time she came to him.
Inej gave Jesper and Wylan bracing hugs in farewell, letting Jesper lift her off her feet, before sliding her arm through Nina's. They waved as they climbed the ramp up onto The Wraith, the Grisha's wolf keeping pace at their heels.
"Next time you come here," said Nina, continuing to wave even as Fifth Harbour disappeared behind the smog of Ketterdam, Inej tucked tightly against her side."I think I would like to come with you. I missed it more than I thought I would."
Inej knew the feeling well.
"You mean you missed the waffles" Inej taunts, listening to Nina laugh, trying to keep the mood light despite the homesickness that tugged at her chest. But this was just one of her homes, just one of her safe havens that Inej knew she could return to whenever she pleased.
Freedom was a novelty she doubted she'd ever get tired of.