Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its subsequent universe and characters are the property of Hiromu Arakawa. I don't own them in any way, so please don't sue.
One day Col. Mustang was walking down a random street. Yep, that's right, I said street. Not dirt road, not field, street. He was on planet Earth due to something called laziness and abuse of author power. Ok then, moving on.
He was walking down the aforementioned street, when he realized something horrible!
"HEY!" He yelled, "ELVIS IS DEAD!!" And he sank to his knees in despair while everyone around him fainted.
Suddenly, there was a light! And an angel was floating down through the light! The angel said, "There's only one thing you can do." "Toast them all?" asked Col. Mustang, eagerly pulling on his barbecuing glove. "Um… no," said the angel, "the only thing you can do is…"
"Yes?"
"Is…"
"Is what?!"
"Buy…"
"Buy what?!??!?!?!?"
"A Snapper!" said the angel, who was really Ben Stiller selling the lamp from Night at the Museum. This remark was met only by the cuckoos from the little cuckoo clocks swirling around the now unconscious Col.'s head. There seems to be a lot of fainting going on in this story.
Anyway, Ben Stiller considered the situation for a minute, and then decided to listen to his shoulder angel. He stole Col. Mustang's wallet. You don't even wanna know what the shoulder devil told him to do.
Then he put a snapper on the Col.'s head, and signaled to the waiting U.F.O to beam him up.
XXXXXXXXX WHEN COL. MUSTANG WOKE UP XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Col. Mustang (Also known as Col. Pyromaniac) woke up and discovered two things: 1. His wallet was missing, and 2. He had a crappy lamp on his head.
"Hmmm…" he thought, "No wallet… crappy lamp… BOO-YAH!" And he took the snapper and went home.
XXXXXXXXXX AT HIS HOUSE XXXXXX
He could not snap his fingers. Yes, impossible as this may seem, he could not snap his fingers without a glove on. And we all know he's not that stupid… yet. So he did what any soldier would have done. He called in lesser soldiers to do his evil bidding. MUAHAHAHHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHA!
When Ed, Al, and Riza had arrived, he ordered Riza to stand in the corner and wait for her cue, and Al and Ed to start snapping their fingers. Stupid Col. doesn't know that armored (or auto-mail) hands can't snap their fingers.
SNAP!
"The lamp's on!"
Riza, that's your cue.
BANG!
Roy was now out a lamp, his wallet, and the full-metal alchemist. So he decided to find Ben Stiller.
Here's what happened…
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The tall and manly Col…. no, scratch that, make it Fuhrer Mustang walked over to the puny, pathetic Ben Stiller, picked him up with one manly hand, and handsomely stole his wallet and a Snapper. Then he said his cool catch-phrase, and punted the man to a distant galaxy. There was much cheering and celebrating, and he was loved and respected by all the puny humans, except for Ben Stiller, who was now deceased because Fuhrer Mustang could now toast people without his barbecuing glove, which he had sold on E-bay to make himself rich…er!
HEY! Put me down! NO! Don't sic Riza on me! She's PMSing! Have mercy!
AGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Please excuse that, the little bugger high-jacked my computer. Here's what really happened:
Col. Mustang ran over to Ben Stiller and started begging, crying, and generally being out of character until Ben Stiller freaked out and chucked a lamp at his head before leaving Earth, never to return.
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Once again, the Col. was faced with a dilemma. He could not snap his fingers, Ed was no more, Al was traumatized for life, Riza was PMSing, and Alex Louis Armstrong was… well, Alex Louis Armstrong. So he decided to try defying gravity.
XXX AFTER HE GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL XXXXXXXXX
He decided to try snapping his fingers with gloves on. Unfortunately, his only pair of gloves were the ones with the transmutation circles on them. That's right, his barbecuing gloves.
He put on the gloves and was about to snap his fingers, when, for no apparent reason, the lamp turned into that kid in Ishbal. He stood there frozen, unable to turn on the light. Then the lamp grew arms and pointed a gun at him. Just like that kid in Ishbal.
(Remember kids, don't buy drugs… become a celebrity, then they give them to you for free!)
He snapped his fingers… Just like he did with that kid in Ishbal.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Gluttony had eaten a lot of beans. He had eaten the cat from Looney Tunes, Julian Delphiki from Ender's Shadow, the toad in Cheaper by the Dozen, and that kid from that TV show. Needless to say, (but we'll say it anyway) he was having a lot of gas. I think we all remember the song.
So anyway, he really needed to... um, do I even need to say it? Fortunately, there was no-one around. He had eaten all the humans in the area, Greed was dead, and the others were trying to get someone to create a new Greed, due to the old one being dead, because really, we need all the deadly sins that we can get.
So, due to no-one being around, he farted…
XXXXXXXXXXXXX A WEEK AGO XXXXXXX
Scar was, as usual, walking through a random deserted street, looking for state alchemists to play tiddlywinks with… PSYCHE! Fooled you, MUAHAHAHHAHAH!
Suddenly, he saw it.
A… Giant… Bottle…Of… ROOT BEER!
His eyes turned into giant sparkles, 'cause outcasts, murderers, outcast murderers, and potatoes alike all love root beer. And he goes in all those categories… Seriously, he does. Anyway, he drank the entire forty story high bottle of root beer in one gulp. But you know what happens when you drink root beer too fast…
So now he had a dilemma and a serious question, one that he asked every time he did something like, say, for example, make someone's brain explode. : Would Miss Manners approve?
He wasn't sure this time.
So he wrote to Miss Manners, and waited a week for her response…
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A WEEK LATER XXXXXXXXXXXXX
He had been holding in the burp for a week, and was very pissed about it. I mean seriously, when's the last time you tried holding a burp in for a week? But, fortunately for the author, just then the paper arrived. He opened it to Miss Manners' column and read.
Miss Manners
Dear Miss Manners,
I just drank an entire forty story bottle of root beer, and now I really need to burp. What should I do?
Potato-ified
Potato-ified? Hey, I know you; you're that $$ing freak who keeps asking if he can kill people! And the answer is no! You #ing cannot kill your brother, replace your arm with his, and use the philosopher's stone within it to destroy all state alchemists! It's impolite, you $$#!& !!!!!! Go ahead, do whatever else you $!ing want, just stop writing me or I'll &#ing kill you!!!
Sincerely,
Miss Manners
Scar smiled, "she's always so sweet and polite, it makes me happy." Then he blinked then looked at his brother's arm, grafted so nicely to his. "Hmmm, too late for her first piece of advice, and I can't tear my arm off, but I really should stop killing state alchemists…"
A random dude ran in front of him, showed him his cool pocket-watch, which only certified state alchemists (and rabid fan girls) possess, and performed alchemy. The dude quickly met his bloody, gory, copped-out, animated end. No-one has any manners any more. How tragic.
Then Scar let out the burp he that he had been holding in for a week…
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Envy was walking down a lonely road, the only one that he had ever known. He didn't know where it went, but it was only him and he walked alone…
Ok, how many of you are going to sue me for the undisclaimered Boulevard of Broken Dreams reference? Hmmm? Please ignore the small author behind the curtain. Also, please ignore the fact that she's holding a chainsaw…
Anyway, he was walking the said lonely road, (the only one that he had ever known) when he saw something that had miraculously appeared out of thin air. He went over to it, not knowing what it was, and examined it to see if it could help him become either human or cheese. He couldn't figure out what it was, as, being an artificially created, perfect (if a bit envious) "human", he had never bothered to learn how to read. Well, he did try once, but all we'll say is that Hooked-On Phonics is no more, and leave it at that.
Thus, not knowing how to read, he saw a big red button on the front of the thing, and, not understanding the words under it in bold caps that read: DO NOT PRESS THIS BUTTON, he said the most famous of all last words:
"What does this button do?" And pushed the button…
If only he could have read the words above that said, (also in bold caps): WARNING: ATOMIC BOMB, USE ONLY IN CASE OF A RABID FANGIRL ATTACK …
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Five seconds after all this happened, the entire city went up in flames, and no-one is quite sure why…FLYING MONKEYS!
THE END
Note: No squirrels were harmed in the making of this story. Well, almost none…
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