Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters used in this story, they belong to Dick Wolf, NBC and whomever else has a stake in the game.
Warning: This fic is heavily based on the episode Guilt. It mentions that episode in detail and delves into what could have happened behind the scenes if all parties were so inclined. It does mention consensual adult themes and much angst. Adult themes are girl on girl - so if that is not your thing or if you are not old enough to read such material then, perhaps… just maybe you might want to hit the back button. If not - then enjoy.
Guilt and Regret
Olivia watched the icy blonde prosecutor out of the corner of her eye as the tall woman dictated to the rest of the squad the expectations of the current operation. She noticed the softening of her husky tone as she directed the young boy in the room as to what his part in the operation would be and felt her lips turn upwards slightly. She had seen more fire and desperation from the attorney in this case than in any other and, for whatever reason, Sam Cavanaugh had touched something in her. Olivia wondered what that something could have been. On a violence scale this case barely tipped the chart, not to undermine Barnett's crimes… he had boasted of molesting over a 100 boys and that in itself was absolutely sickening. Perhaps that was why Alex had latched onto this case so strongly. Olivia knew that each of them had their personal axe to grind when it came to the crimes they saw everyday.
Her personal thoughts were set aside when she heard her name being sternly called and she turned her attention to the penetrating gaze of her ADA.
"Still with us detective Benson?"
Olivia nodded and turned her attention back to the conversation, taking the proffered ear piece from her partner. Slowly she tucked the device behind her ear and laced the wire beneath her coat. She frowned slightly and turned to look out over the union station wondering how much longer it would take their target to arrive. She glanced back at Alex as she and the rest of the squad moved to infiltrate and blend into the scenery. She blinked and found the sullen blonde staring back at her, her clear blue eyes showing the wear and tear of the past month. Olivia gave the ADA an encouraging smile and then exited to take her spot.
Alex listened carefully as Sam and his abuser spoke. She could hear the admiration in the young man's voice and it sickened her; not at Sam but at the sick and sadistic ways a pedophile incited trust in their young victims. She would never understand it. She blinked back the exhaustion, she truly did not know how the detectives did it. They had been awake and working longer than she had, but none of their faces showed the strain as easily as hers - and a part of her resented the hell out of the visible weakness.
She nodded and clicked her pen, in and out - a nervous habit, but anytime they had to involve a civilian in a sting operation, they had good reason to be nervous. She blinked in disbelief as Sam's clear voice sounded over the speaker telling his abuser to run. Dammit… this wasn't part of the plan. She turned to look at Cragen, encouraged as he stood quickly and alerted the detectives outside to apprehend Barnett. She turned and saw the horror on Sam's mother, and flashed what she hoped was an encouraging smile before following the captain out of the room.
She wanted to slam her fist against the wall. She wanted to storm the interview room and choke the truth out of the smug son of a bitch that continually eluded her best detectives questions. The violence quaking within her was disturbing. How had she allowed this case to get under her skin in such a way. She slipped her glasses on - grateful for their ability to mask the growing emotions she was sure were easily readable in her baby blues. She turned and listened to Cragen and Huang discussed the case and why they felt Sam had warned his attacker. They wanted her to talk to the boy, convince him that he had done nothing wrong, that the way her felt about Barnett was normal and that they still needed him to testify. This case was infuriating and trying - it continually put her in situations she had no experience in and she felt the same pressure she was sure she laid on her detectives. In spite of all of it she found herself in a secluded room, looking into the tortured face of Sam, trying to convince him and herself that everything would be ok.
Olivia watched the exchange through the drawn blinds. She couldn't hear what was being said but the facial expressions that were playing across both faces said plenty. Cabot was calm and collected, but Sam's continually contorted - out of confusion, guilt and any number of emotions. The young man's voice rang out as he flew from the room, screaming that he was through and that he wasn't a fag and that he wanted to go home. Olivia felt her brows furrow, just what the hell had Alex said to him. She watched the boy's mother lay into the ADA and saw the self-reproach on Alex's delicate features. Olivia felt a familiar urge to comfort the younger woman but held back, unsettled by the appearance of such emotion - unsettled by her concern for the attorney and frozen in confusion of why she gave a damn.
Alex waited patiently at her desk, hoping that her detectives would find something, anything, at the pedophiles apartment. She heard the soft knock at her door and looked up to see Olivia Benson standing in the door frame. She didn't have to ask if they had found anything, the disappointment written all over the brunettes features was answer enough. She felt her gaze being drawn to warm intense brown eyes and was surprised when Olivia sat down across from her. Alex jumped slightly as she felt the older woman's fingers against her wrist - her rich voice dropped to a slight whisper.
"I'm sorry Alex - there was nothing incriminating in that apartment."
Alex found herself shrugging slightly, intrigued that she had not moved her hand away from the kind touch. It had been so long since anyone had invaded her personal space out of kindness or concern. She found herself looking down and away as she sought to assuage the detective that she didn't hold her personally responsible, but the words stuck in her throat and she wasn't surprised when the silence caused the detective to stand up, making her way back out the door. Alex found her voice and called out just as the detective crossed the threshold.
"Detective wait."
She watched as knowing eyes turned back to hers and Alex felt a kind of low punch in her gut at the depth and honesty that shone out from that gaze. The feelings and emotions the detective inspired in her seemed to flood forward in that moment - feelings Alex didn't want to deal with, didn't want to identify. Since starting in the unit their had been a look in the detective's eyes that had burned through her façade - a look that seemed to see right through her legal bullshit - a searing gaze and one that never failed to make Alex uncomfortable and yet comfortable at the same time. She watched as the detective reclaimed her seat across the desk and waited patiently for their conversation to continue.
"I need to go and speak to Sam once more time, care to join me?"
Olivia quirked an eyebrow at the invite, unsure of where the attorney was going with this. She didn't really want to immerse herself any further into the case. She had been working on little to no sleep and since Cragen had let her and the rest of the squad off for the evening she'd had every intention of going back to her apartment to play catch up. Something in the crystal blue eyes that stared into hers stopped her from declining the invite. It was the same look the ADA had flashed her before the unsuccessful sting operation had taken place. It was a look that begged to be let in, that begged to be included. It was a look wrought with loneliness and one the detective could easily identify with. She was hesitant to allow herself to spend time with the counselor alone - having already admitted to herself her unhealthy sexual attraction to the graceful blonde. Olivia had never been one to allow gender to determine her level of attraction but she had never felt an attraction this intense to anyone - especially a member of the same sex, let alone a close co-worker. It scared her the way a simple look or touch from the attorney could set off a whole plethora of unwanted, unfulfilled fantasies playing away inside her head.
Despite all that, Olivia could recognize the need for a friend, and she knew that the loneliness Alex felt stemmed from the same reasons she herself was alone… they were both married to the job and if anyone could understand the obsession that comes with the need for justice it was her. She always gave herself freely and wholly to each case, to each victim - regardless to how hard it drained her soul - she gave anyways… and if she could give so much of herself to a complete stranger, then she could certainly give a few hours to the only other woman involved in the day to day horrors she saw that made up her days and nights.
Alex saw the slight nod of the detectives head and stood up, grabbing her coat. "Lets go."
Alex sat patiently holding a hot cup of tea, silently hoping that Olivia would not be too mad at being made to wait for such a long period of time. Alex knew though that this was important and without Sam's testimony she would be forced to release the bastard back on the streets. She did not want the responsibility of even more raped and abused boys to be on her head. She knew she was being pushy but she hoped her heartfelt plea would not fall on deaf ears. Sam's answer surprised her and she felt hope blossom in her chest again as she thanked the young man and his mother before making her way back to the detective and her car.
As she slid into the seat she turned to give Olivia a tired smile and nodded slowly, "He will testify, we still have a case."
She caught the lopsided grin that was so… so Olivia, and felt some of her early tension fade. She reached over and laid a shy hand on the detectives leather coat, "Thank you for coming with me detective."
She saw the surprise on the dark features and ventured to further impart upon the detectives time.
"I know we are both exhausted… and this case hasn't been easy… but I think we could both stand to unwind a little. Its late but would you like to grab something to eat, or we can grab takeout and share a bottle of wine at my apartment if you would prefer."
Olivia swallowed slowly and considered the request that had been so lightly thrown down. On the ride over, despite the silence, she had felt so content and relaxed in the normally aloof attorneys presence… a feeling Olivia rarely experienced alone much less in the company of another… it was addictive and she found herself loath to give it up so suddenly. Choosing to play the role of devil's advocate and choosing to force Alex to make the decision, Olivia shrugged non-chalantly as she replied.
"I haven't eaten since yesterday, but its up to you counselor - I know how draining this case had been on you."
Alex smiled faintly at the non-response and took a chance.
"Well if it is all the same to you detective then I opt for take-out and a bottle of wine - less pretentious plus I have a spare bedroom if you decide you want to stay the night - I don't know about you but I could use some relaxation and some sleep before I move to indict that son of a bitch tomorrow."
Olivia found herself smiling at the curse words that flowed effortlessly from the normally subdued attorney. How was it that curse words could sound so attractive coming from someone who seemed to never use them? She turned and stared at the attorney, a slow smile curving her lips as she started the car.
"You are right about one thing Alex."
Alex cocked an eyebrow at the teasing tone, "Really… what?"
Olivia felt her smile widen as Alex fell for the bait, "You could really use some sleep… you look like shit counselor."
She turned to see the blonde ADA's mouth hang open and found herself laughing along as Alex smacked her arm with her fist. Olivia grinned and wagged a finger, "I think that technically counts as assaulting a police officer Cabot."
Alex smirked slightly, thinking to herself of a different sort of assault she wouldn't mind performing on this particular police officer and then horrified that she would even consider such an idea, she shrugged and turned away - feeling a slight blush staining her cheeks.
"Technically yes, but since I am sure that didn't leave a mark on you, you have no evidence and therefore no case."
She turned to look into smiling brown eyes and rolled her own in return before rattling off the address to the only decent take-out restaurant she knew that was on the way to her apartment. Surprised when Olivia responded by laughingly tipping an imaginary hat, mumbling something about driving Ms Daisy before taking off. Alex used the opportunity to study the detective's strong profile out of the corner of her eye, deciding that she definitely liked the detective with shorter hair - it enhanced her already attractive features. Alex blinked and snapped out of it. What the hell did she think she was doing - entertaining these thoughts. Even if Olivia felt the same way, there was no way in hell they could do anything about it - and it would be professional suicide for them both. Alex shook her head, blaming her lack of control on her lack of sleep and turned to stare at the city scenery that passed by, smirking slightly when she felt the SVU detective's eyes on her. It was an interesting game they played, each of them trying to look and yet always careful not to get caught looking. She shook her head slightly and turned the dial up on the radio.
Alex found herself smiling freely - tired but relaxed and thoroughly enjoying the evening despite the lateness of the hour. The detective was completely different away from the job - full of funny little stories about the cases she and Elliot had caught, the things that the squad argued about during their downtime, some of her more interesting dates. Alex found herself sharing similar stories, fully aware that this was the first time she and the detective had allowed any part of their personal life to be known. The exchange of information came freely and before she knew it they had finished one bottle of white wine and had started on a bottle of red. She caught the yawn that had escaped Olivia's lips and looked at the clock. It was past 2am and Alex paled with the realization that she had less than 8 hours to prepare for the grand jury.
Olivia caught the wide eyed look and stood up, wincing slightly as her muscles and joint popped and groaned in protest. She immediately started to clean up, pausing when she felt a warm hand against her own.
"Leave it Liv, I will take care of it tomorrow. We had better get to bed, tomorrow is going to be a long day."
Olivia smirked and raised a single eyebrow, choosing to twist the ADA's words.
"Bed? Both of us? Counselor, are you propositioning me?"
Alex felt her face burn as her jaw fell open in shock, and before she could stammer a response the silence was filled with the detectives rich laughter. Alex scowled slightly and growled as she leapt forward pushing the brunette back against the couch, smiling as the detective fell very ungracefully against the cushions, her body bowed slightly as an unladylike grunt left her lips.
Alex stood, a smile gracing her lips easily, "For that detective you can sleep on the couch, I will bring you a pillow and blanket."
Olivia sat up. "Hey I thought you said you had a guest room!"
Alex smiled, rolling her eyes as she crooked her finger suggestively, "C'mon Olivia, enough teasing for one night we need our beauty sleep."
And with a wink she turned, calling out over her shoulder, "Especially you detective, you aren't looking too hot."
Olivia grinned, shook her head, committing the evening to memory as one of her most enjoyable in a long time. As she changed into the clothes Alex had left out for her and fell into a bed with decidedly more expensive linens than she knew she would ever own she felt a smile grace her lips and hoped for dreams filled with a certain blonde attorney.
Alex paced slowly and confidently in front of the grand jury as she smoothly asked her prepared questions. She had awoken early this morning and spent the last 3 hours locked away in her office prepping for this very moment. She had felt instant relief when she saw Sam and his mother walking down the hall. Last night with Olivia had reduced the pounding in her temples and alleviated some of the stress that had been building since the start of this investigation. She had awoken refreshed and eager to prosecute, a feeling she had been missing for months now. She had peeked in on her after taking a shower and getting dressed and thought… what were they… co-workers, friends… a detective and her ADA. Labels were difficult to think about at 6 in the morning. Alex felt her lips curve up slightly when she thought of the sleeping detective she had left in her apartment. She shook her head slightly before refocusing her attention to smoothly transitioning Sam's testimony into an indictment against Barnett.
He had done well and as she walked out of the room with him she felt her confidence rising until she looked down the hall she felt it fall again. There was Roy Barnett and his sleaze ball attorney. Before she could react a shout rose from the crowd and Alex felt herself thrown to the floor. She lay there for a moment, stunned, before she felt strong arms pulling her from the floor and shook slightly as a small bead of blood dripped upon her glasses. She assured Elliot she was fine before looking up at the sound of her name. She looked up to see Olivia walking swiftly towards her and for a moment Alex wished it had been Olivia whose arms had been around her, picking her from the floor. She got the next best thing as she felt her face being cradled in warm hands and winced slightly as those same hands gently probed the cut on her head. Embarrassment flooded her system at the extra attention and she pulled away.
"Olivia I'm fine, really. I need you and Elliot to find out who attacked Barnett and why - we may have another victim on our hands."
Olivia looked at the woman she hesitantly wanted to call a friend, seeing the pleading look in the intelligent blue eyes that stared back at her she growled slightly beneath her breath and let her hands fall. She called and officer over and proceeded to instruct him to escort Ms. Cabot to someone who could provide medical assistance and then looked over at her partner, indicating that they should go and question the young man who had quite literally exploded onto the scene.
Elliot caught the odd exchange between his partner and the ice queen and questioned the look that had passed between the two of them. He had felt no obligation towards the tall blonde, choosing instead to isolate the screaming young man and make sure that Sam and his mother were. He had been surprised to see the cut on her head, but he figured she was overdue for some hard knocks the way she liked to saunter around and make his and Liv's lives hell. That was what made the exchange so odd - he and Olivia had discussed the ADA on several occasions and never once had she indicated anything more than a cool professional respect for the risks the lawyer took. He shrugged it off and followed his partner into the interrogation room - hoping that maybe they had caught a much needed break in the case.
Alex glared as she re-entered the squad room. Her impromptu meeting with the defense attorney had left a sour taste in her mouth and now, more than ever, she really could not wait to see the two men in court and send Roy Barnett away for a very very long time. She questioned if the detectives had uncovered anything useful - disappointed but unsurprised by the negative answer. This was definitely a case that she would have to fight to win. She looked at her watch and sighed. She was due to prep Sam Cavanaugh in less than an hour. Her head throbbed where the skin had broken, and even 3 aspirin later she was still having trouble concentrating.
Hours later she wondered if it had been that bump on the head that had made her speak before thinking her sentence all the way through. She tossed and turned as she continued to see the hurt and lost look on the young man's face as the realization that he had merely been used set in. Alex had not realized until that moment the depth of emotion that Sam felt for Barnett and a part of her regretted not driving the boy home. She had not wanted to coddle him or make him feel as though she thought him a child but now, lying in her bed - alone - she could not help but think that she should not have let him walk out the door. The shrill sound of her phone ringing pulled her from her thoughts and she answered it, unquestioningly - horrified by the news that was being delivered. She threw her covers off as she hung up the phone, struggling to re-dress as she drowned in questions and guilt.
Olivia looked up as a tall blonde burst through the hospital doors, looking more ragged and more real than she had ever seen the attorney look. There were unshed tears and a flurry of emotions that ranged in the wide eyes that stared back at her, the normally commanding voice reduced to a shaky ghost of its former self as the ADA asked how it had happened. Olivia looked up as Sam Cavanaugh's mother came through the OR doors and instinctively Olivia braced herself for the onslaught - knowing good and damn well who the mother blamed for the incident. She watched as Elliot took a stance in front of the two of them to intercept the grieving mother and Olivia threw herself in front of the ADA, her hands gripping slender arms in an effort to pull the lawyer away from the conflict. She saw the broken look on Alex's face, and wrapped her arms around her, ushering her from the room, from ER and from prying eyes. She pushed the tall woman into an empty room. As gently as she could she moved Alex to the empty bed, sitting her down on the stiff mattress as she pulled a chair towards her. She heard a small choked sound and looked up to see the normally unemotional ADA shaking, struggling to stop the stubborn flow of tears that leaked from her beautiful blue eyes and ran down pale cheeks.
Olivia stepped forward - Oh Alex - and wrapped her arms around the slim woman, pulling her close and holding her as her body shook from the gut wrenching sobs she could no longer hold in. She gently stroked and rubbed her back, her other hand smoothing the hair that had fallen from the attorney's makeshift bun, tucking errant strands behind her ears as she whispered words of comfort and understanding to the broken woman in her arms.
Alex wrapped her arms around her detective and let herself go. She blamed herself entirely - if she hadn't of been so insensitive, if she had only insisted on driving the young man home, if she had done a better job of prepping him during the sting, if… if…
She felt Olivia's hands stroking her back, her hair, that smooth warm voice whispering to her not to blame herself - it was all their faults… they had all failed Sam Cavanaugh. Alex shook her head no and pulled away, forcing her body to stop shaking, forcing herself to stop crying, forcing herself to be Alexandra Cabot, hot shot sex crimes ADA, cool cold calculating and when she thought she had succeeded in that she looked up into eyes so dark, so warm, so captivating and acted without thinking.
Olivia felt her eyes widen as the crying blonde in her arms, lifted her head, steeled her spine and pressed her lips forward against her own. Olivia froze as she felt wandering hands gripping the lapels of jacket pulling her closer. She felt the pressure let up and felt Alex's lips whispering against hers.
"I know its wrong Olivia but… kiss me… make it go away… please."
Olivia felt her mind shut down at the broken sound of Alex's voice and gave into all the bottled up desire she had tried not to feel for this woman. Gently she leaned forward and tilted her ADA's head up, slowly pressing their lips together - giving Alex plenty of opportunity to break the contact. She felt the sigh against her lips and allowed herself to press closer, teasing the tip of her tongue along Alex's lower lip. Olivia almost groaned as those same lips parted effortlessly allowed her tongue entrance and at the first taste of the blonde, Olivia knew she would forever be lost.
Alex groaned as heat settled below the belt and pulled the detective closer, tangling their tongues together, fisting her hands in short locks. She felt Olivia pressing her back down against the mattress as she broke the kiss in favor of acquiring more oxygen. The break was brief and Alex found herself pressed further back as they mutually crushed their lips together, teeth scraping, tongues twisting and dancing together, hands beginning to wander. It was Olivia who was the first to pull away and Alex stared up at the attractive detective, not wanting to stop but knowing that there were things happening that required her immediate attention - even more so than this
She sat up, refusing to release the embarrassed brunette and looked deep into bottomless eyes. She bit her lower lip and hesitantly leaned forward, lightly kissing the full lips she was beginning to miss already. Her voice barely above a whisper.
"Thank you."
Olivia stood, stunned at what had just transpired - stunned and worried she had made a huge mistake. She could see her working relationship destroyed and a write up in her file, not to mention a sexual harassment suit. Why the hell did she allow herself to do that. Just as she was getting started on berating herself she felt soft warm lips against hers and looked into deep blue eyes, eyes darkened by lust and pain and heard the faint "thank you" her ADA whispered. Olivia backed away and allowed the blonde her space, surprised when the beautiful woman leaned her head against her shoulder, hugging her close.
"I know I have just put you in an awkward situation Olivia, I hope someday you will forgive me. Right now we need to get back to the station - we need to figure out what to do and I need to somehow save this case. I have to save this case… I owe it to him Liv."
Olivia nodded and hugged the tall form close, her voice shaking slightly.
"I will do whatever you need me to do Alex, just say the word."
Alex nodded, grateful that Olivia has chosen not to comment on what had just transpired. She nodded and together they made their way back to the one six.
Olivia perched atop her desk, picking the safest location for her to easily keep an eye on the blonde ADA. Alex was still shaky and had said little on the ride over to the station. What had surprised her was the way Alex had clung to her in the cab and Olivia had been grateful that they had been the first ones back in the station house besides Craven. She saw his concern as she walked in, arms around the attorney as she gently set her into an empty chair. She watched as Alex stiffened her spine, crossed her legs but she was worried at the way the ADA continued to stare off into space. She was grateful that the rest of the guys didn't try and console the attorney and she was winced as Cragen described the extent of damage the young man's suicide attempt had done. She watched as Alex snapped back into the game and she could see the young woman's desire for justice shining in her blue eyes.
Alex grit her teeth as she tried not to glare at the opposing counsel and the judge. She could not believe her case was slipping through her fingers - a manipulated boy left hanging in the wind. Three days… the way things had gone, they wouldn't have been able to make a case in three months. Her desperation found her in a cell with another victim turned abuser trying like hell to find some way to save her case. As much as she had hated dealing with the convicted felon, he had given her a glimmer of hope. She looked at Olivia, asking that she and Elliot try in an area she knew she would fail… asking Linda Cavanaugh to allow them to search her home.
Olivia found herself once again sitting on a desk, looking at and watching Alex as she mentally berated herself and lashed out at the squad. The news that Linda Cavanaugh had refused to allow their search had deflated the normally confident attorney. She saw the unshed tears in the blue eyes and she could hear the desperation in the honeyed voice. She watched as Alex verbally clashed with Elliot and then with the Captain, completely losing her cool and raising her voice. Part of her wanted to reach out and fold the blonde back into her arms, but instead she watched her shoulders slump as her body ran out of steam and looked on in silence as the slender ADA apologized in her own way and turned on heel making her way out of the squad room.
Her heart went out to the ADA as she watched the judge free the man they had worked so hard to put in jail. Her heart went out to the kids, who were unsuspectingly in danger from the bastard. She caught the dejected look on the lawyers tired face and followed her out of the courtroom.
"Alex…"
Alex turned at the sound of Olivia's voice and held up a hand.
"Not right now Olivia… I have to try… I have to do something… I have to try and save this case… I've got to get a warrant for the Cavanaugh residence."
Olivia sighed and nodded, slowly putting her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket.
"What do you need from me counselor, how can I help?"
Alex felt a faint smile tinge her lips, "Just… be here… stay with me for a moment."
Olivia nodded and rested her back against the wall - she watched the tall lawyer as she paced back and forth, forth and back. She could see the sharp mind ticking and instinct told her that Alex was waiting on the judge to leave. Searching the Cavanaugh residence was their only hope. She swung her head around to watch Lena Petrovsky exit the elevator and watched as Alex followed and confronted her. She only heard bits and pieces of the conversation but the look on the ADA's face was confirmation enough that her last ploy had failed.
Alex watched as her last hope disappearing with the closing of an elevator door. It couldn't end this way… it couldn't… a young boys life had been ruined and for what. She wanted to beat her hands against the wall, lash out at something, someone. Gentle hands pulled her away, a soft voice was in her ear - echoing the judges advice to get some sleep. Alex turned to look at the detective - her heart breaking and swelling at the same time. Her mind clicking at a thousand thoughts a minute as she strove to find a loop hole in the law that could and would get her what they needed.
She needed some mental clarity, she needed to be able to focus - sleep was the surest way to that end but she didn't have time. If she didn't move fast, Roy Barnett would be gone and she would have to live with the fact that she had not only driven a boy to his death but she had also released a guaranteed sexual predator back onto the streets. She needed to think and at the same thing she needed to stop thinking… as she sank against the solid form of Olivia and felt that unwanted desire re-awaken within her she knew of one other way to achieve the mental freedom she sought.
Alex turned and pressed the detective to the wall. Her eyes scanning the empty hallways that made up deserted courtroom. She pressed a single finger against the full lips that only hours earlier had been feasting against hers. She lowered her voice, her knee shifting, bending slightly so that it rested between the detectives thighs.
"You said earlier you would do whatever I needed you to do… does that offer still stand Liv?"
Olivia swallowed audibly as she nodded, almost afraid to agree that yes that was indeed what she had said. She was still reeling from what had transpired between them at the hospital and the feel of Alex's thigh sliding between her knees made her resolve weaken. She licked her lips nervously and could of sworn she could still taste the attorney on them. She looked into darkening blue eyes and braced herself - hoping that Alex would not ask her for anything that she was not supposed to give.
Alex, for the first time in her life, felt out of control. The thoughts she was entertaining were forbidden but fractured. She could not believe she had allowed herself to reach for Olivia in the hospital, she couldn't believe Olivia had allowed it and now Alex was contemplating pushing that tangible bond to the edge. She gripped the ends of the white scarf that rested on Olivia's capable shoulders and pulled the detective with her as she backed into an empty interview room. She could see the naked confusion and even a trace of fear in the large brown eyes that stared back into hers but was relieved by the detectives silence. She turned and closed the door, twisting the lock slowly. She turned back and watched as Olivia leaned back against the conference table, arms crossed, patiently. Alex took a shuddering breath and walked until she was toe to toe with the brunette. Gently she gripped the edges of the soft scarf, rubbing the material between her fingertips, biting her lower lip as she lost herself in Olivia's honest gaze.
Olivia broke the silence first, unnerved by Alex's actions - the hesitant look, the empty room, locking the door. She kept her voice low and captured one of the nervous hands that gripped her scarf.
"Hey Alex… what is it?
For the second time during the case Olivia found herself pressed against a lithe beautiful woman. For the second time she found her lips against the blondes and for the second time Olivia felt her mind shut down. This was so wrong, but it felt so right and a part of her felt guilty for allowing it to happen. She felt a smooth tongue sliding over her lips and Olivia pulled back suddenly.
"Wait… Alex… we can't, I can't… you're not… I'm not… this is…"
Alex smiled slightly, kissing the detective during each pause and break of what she was trying to say. Alex finished it by cupping the olive skinned face in her hands and sliding her lips slowly over Olivia's. She slowly kissed an upper lip and then a lower lip, slowly sucking the latter between her teeth, biting gently - tugging slightly as she pulled back, finishing Olivia's sentence.
"Wrong detective?"
Slowly Alex slid the scarf off those strong shoulders, gently pushing the detectives coat back, lowering it past those same shoulders. Leaning forward Alex placed a chaste kiss against parted lips, her hands settling on Olivia's upper arms. She looked deep into the expressive eyes, wondering at the heat, the hesitancy, within them. Her voice dropped suggestively, huskily as she made the decision to pursue the very thing she should not. Gently she rested her forehead against Olivia's and closed her eyes.
"It feels right, it's the only thing that has felt right to me in the last few months. I make no assumptions about you Olivia but when you look at me, through me, to me… I can't think of anything more than this - feeling you against me. It's wrong… we are colleagues, co-workers… but this case… this case had taken hold of me in a way I know only you can understand… I can't think… I have so many thoughts running through my mind… so many… I can't focus. I am running out of time and all I can think of is the taste of you on my lips."
Alex raised her head and paused, before plunging headfirst into the only thing that would be able to burn through her confusion and desperation enough to give her the clarity of thought she needed to win this case.
"You said you would do anything Liv… you helped me forget earlier… now help me remember…"
She felt the detectives hands against her waist and her heart skipped. She felt her body being turned and twisted and felt the cold smooth wood of the conference table against the small of her back. She slowly slid her hands up toned arms and rested them at the back of the detectives neck, her fingertips brushing through the short hairs at the base.
To Olivia, the whole situation was a dream… some sort of surreal universe she had stumbled into. Alex's words had washed over her and somehow she wasn't alone in her attraction, in her desire but she still needed clarity for herself before allowing this to happen again. She rubbed her thumbs back and forth over slim hips, watching in wonder as the normally clear blue eyes deepened and darkened in front of her eyes.
"Alex… this is new to me… I'm not sure what you are asking me to do… "
She watched as a slow smile transformed the attorneys tired and worm features and Olivia was struck once again by how beautiful the blonde was. She felt her head jerked forward and braced her hands against the conference table as the ADA's mouth pressed deliciously against hers again. Olivia struggled internally and in the end gave in. She gripped the slim hips against her and lifted the attorney up onto the table, pressing her hips forward, spreading the attorneys toned thighs as she settled between them. She groaned as she felt Alex's tongue invade her mouth and, teasingly, Olivia closed her lips around it - sucking, eliciting a low groan from her ADA. She was drowning against that hot clever mouth. She pulled back, smirking slightly at the disappointed sound that echoed slightly in the empty room. She nudged the attorney's head up, giving her access to the graceful curve of an alabaster neck and proceeded to place hot kisses against that smooth skin.
Alex gasped at the feel of Olivia's teeth, tongue and lips as they nipped sucked and soothed a hot pulsing path down her neck. She rocked against the detective, the oversized belt buckled creating delicious tension between her thighs. She was already soaked, and the pulsating ache was becoming difficult to ignore. She knew Olivia had no intention of taking things that far, but Alex needed a release - any release. Alex slid a single hand down the detectives chest, her fingertips tracing the hard nipples that tented the thin material of her shirt. She slid her hand lower, trailing it down hard clenching abdominal muscles before shifting to her own body as she hurriedly undid her slacks, jerking the zipper down. She pulled the brunette's head back up and pressed their lips back together as she found Olivia's hand blindly and pushed it between their bodies, moaning the explicit order for Live to touch her.
Olivia pulled her head up momentarily only to have her lips pressed back against Alex's throat, her hand thrust against the apex between Alex's thighs - her knuckles brushing a dampened material that only confirmed how badly Alex wanted this, needed this… needed her. Her mind rebelled at being used, rebelled at allowing herself to fall into feelings and desires that were better off being ignored. But she could not ignore the harsh pants and moans against her ear, the firm cupping of her breasts or the taste of the skin against her lips. Sensing that this was what Alex sought, what she needed in order for her to go on Olivia pushed aside the dampened silk and smoothly penetrated the prone figure beneath her.
Alex felt the tightening in her gut and arched her back as strong fingers set a steady pace, a pace she willingly matched. She closed her eyes and rocked against the woman atop her, willing herself to stop thinking, willing herself to focus on her own selfishness. She was close and struggled not to cry out as the pace slowed and changed up. She wrapped her arms around her detective, digging her fingers into strong muscles and moaned, asking without words for a release she did not deserve.
Olivia complied and buried her face against the silken blonde hair of her would be lover and flicked her thumb against the ADA's engorged clit, her fingers slowly picking up the pace they had set early… moving faster, sliding deeper, curling into the spot she knew would send Alex over the edge.
Her world exploded, vision blackened, all senses focused on the pulsating force of her orgasm and the simultaneous release of pent up sexual frustration. Alex jerked her hips riding out the sensation, and as she fell back to catch her breath, her body slowly coming down, she felt something covering her and heard the click of a closing door. She shook as she sat forward, Olivia's name on the tip of her tongue, only to realize that the detective had left - covering Alex with her own coat, refusing to engage in an awkward moment after. It was in that moment of release, that Alex felt the fog lifting, her sharp mind coming to and she knew what she would have to do to acquire justice for Sam and assuage her own guilt.
Olivia flexed her fingers slowly, unconsciously - she could scarcely wrap her mind around what had just happened. Her fingers burned as though they were still inside that welcome heat, and Olivia's cheeks burned as well…flushed with arousal and shame. She knew as soon as the ADA had exploded against her that she had to get out of there before she made anymore mistakes. She had wanted to ravage the younger woman, tear both of their cloths off and allow their mutual attraction to burn itself out inside an empty room, inside an empty building until they, themselves, were empty and spent. But, as in all things in her life, she simply gave what was needed and took nothing for herself. The image of Alexandra Cabot, flushed and moaning her name was a memory she would have to hold dear because she could not imagine having a second bite at such an apple. The ADA had too much political ambition, too much breeding, too much beauty to risk slumming in a same sex relationship with a detective within her own bureau.
She walked in silence back into the squad room, determined to finish her DD5's in time to go home so that she could wash away her admitted sin and at the same time bury herself in its memory. She felt the vibration of her cell and answered without looking at the caller ID, her heart stopped for a moment at the tired husky voice that greeted her.
"Detective, I need you and your partner to meet me at the Cavanaugh's to conduct a search for Roy Barnett's video collection."
Olivia nodded, and told the ADA they would be right there. She started to hang up but was stopped by that same voice dropping slightly.
"And Liv… after this case if over…"
Olivia interrupted, not wanting to broach the topic, "Its ok Alex… lets just get this kid some justice."
She hung up and went to find Elliot, eager to execute the search warrant, eager to put the sadistic asshole that Barnett was behind bars. They arrived to find Alex face to face in a verbal standoff with Linda Cavanaugh. She walked up to the younger woman and gently touched her arm, turning her so that her back was pressed to the door jam. She glanced down and saw, with a start, the small red mark at the base of Alex's throat - she had marked her earlier… she glanced at the rest of the exposed skin and saw small bite marks peppering the slender column of flesh. Shit. She looked up to see Alex's gaze focused on her lips and then their eyes met - an unspoken understanding passed between them. Olivia made sure that there were no restrictions to the search they were about to conduct, gave the blondes arm a small squeeze and entered the apartment; Elliot hot on her heels.
Elliot was silent as he rode with his partner on their way back to the station. They had found Barnett's videos and he, for one, was relieved that this case would soon be over. The ADA, the press, the victim's suicide had all taken so much out of everyone. He was still wondering on the little exchange he had witnessed in the doorway of the Cavanaugh apartment. He had seen the glances, he had seen the look Alex had given Olivia as well as the red marks on the attorney's neck. Olivia and he had never discussed their sex lives but by all indication she either had a thing going with their Ice Princess or she wanted a thing with the ADA. And it would appear the feeling was mutual. He grunted slightly and shook his head. He didn't need to dwell on anything, if something was going on he was certain Olivia would clue him in.
He was feeling pretty good about the end of the day when he and Liv strolled into the squad room, his mood broken as his captains voice rang out telling them to get into the office. Elliot growled slightly… what now.
Olivia felt utterly betrayed. How dare Alex throw them under the bus. She and Elliot had remained non-commental on the subject but Cragen had seen through their bullshit and ordered them to start covering their ass and forget the ADA's. Olivia felt like a fool. She had not even questioned the search, confident in the professionalism of her ADA, secure in the knowledge that the slender blonde cared for her…. She should have known from the events of the last 24 hours that Alex had lost all professionalism when it came to the case and now because of her own fucking infatuation Olivia had gone right along with the plan - jeopardizing both her and Elliot's reputations.
She crossed her arms and waited outside the courtroom to find out if the evidence she and Elliot had collected would hold up in court. The sight of Alex, rumbled suit, no make-up except for the base she must have used to cover the love bites Olivia had left all over her neck, was disarming and Olivia listened as Alex confirmed that the charges would hold and that Barnett would go to jail. She asked how the attorney was holding up - surprised when Alex apologized for involving them in her ploy - apologized and assured that the way she had handled it - that any heat would all fall back on her - assuring them that she had protected them and gotten justice for the victim the only way she had known how. Olivia shook her head.
"No, Alex… you're not sorry."
Olivia closed her eyes as she felt the attorney's hand on her arm - telling her that she was sorry she had involved them but that she wasn't sorry about the rest. She felt a slight squeeze and looked into clear blue eyes and knew Alex was not just talking about the case. Olivia felt that touch let go and watched as the attorney walked away to face her office and Liz Donnelly alone.
Alex walked briskly, the look on Olivia's face burned her conscious. She had taken so many risks in this case - she had risked her career, the reputation of her squad, she had thumbed her nose at the law, because of her a young man lay in a hospital bed, but the thing she regretted most out of all of those things - was ruining her relationship with Olivia Benson - and she positive that that would be the outcome after today. She had used the older woman, she had played on the desire she had seen lurking in those deep brown eyes and taken advantage of the situation so that she could forget her own guilt, so that she could clear her harried mind and produce the brilliantly executed legal strategy that had allowed her to bend the law and despite all odds put a sexual predator behind bars. If give the chance she would do it all again - but if given the chance she would have had Liv know that it wasn't just this case that had driven her into her arms - she would have been more verbose, more blatant about the way she felt, just so that she did not have to see the hurt, regret and confusion that had flashed across the detective face.
She thought about it as Roy Barnett was arraigned, she thought about it more as Liz Donnelly sentenced her to a 30 day suspension without pay and she thought about it on her way back to her uptown apartment and as she opened her first bottle of wine - Sam Cavanaugh would be someone who stayed on her mind… that much was certain, but Olivia would be a close second… and Alex hoped that while her guilt over Sam might never leave… she hoped the pain she had caused Olivia would eventually go away. Who knows… she had 30 days to try and make it right.
A/N - I know… it's a bit of a cliff hanger but I am working on the second half of the story… or will it be a third… I shall see where my muse takes me. I hope you enjoyed reading as I have enjoyed writing.