Memento
Kadaj of Advent Children
Short Story
Namida ikutsu koborete
Shingetsu no yoru hitotsu umi ga umareta
Tooku tsumuida kotoba
Kataribetachi no monogatari no naka ni
"The Reunion is coming, Sister. Can you feel it?" He lifted his arms and took a deep breath. He let it out, and dropped his arms at the same time. "I can feel Mother's message ringing in my head in a foreign language. Sister, do you sometimes feel Mother inside you, but you can't seem to touch her?" He turned to me, and gave me that devilish smirk. "I want to be able to touch Mother. I want to be one with Mother. Some call it foolishness. But to me, it's logical. Every child wants his or her mother, right?" He came closer. "Sister, why do you not answer?"
"Why is it that you love Mother so much, Brother?" I answered.
"Because she cares for us. Why else would she give us these gifts?" He lifted his sleeve to show me his arm. "It's too bad she hasn't given one to you yet. But that can be easily arranged." He reached out a hand to touch my arm.
"Perhaps I am not worthy to be one of Mother's children."
He paused, his hand in midair. He pulled it back, and clenched it into a fist. His snake-like eyes showed anger. "Stop saying that Sister! We are all worthy of being Mother's children. Just because you don't have the stigma doesn't mean that you're not one of us!" He stopped, trying to calm himself down. "Don't torment yourself thinking that Mother doesn't love you, Sister. She does. She does. Believe me."
"If she loves you then why does she inflict you with pain?"
Anger burst out like lava. "That is not her doing! It is the planet's doing. The planet does not agree with Mother, and is trying to kill her by first getting to her children." He was calming down again. "We, her children, will fight through the pain and finally be one with Mother. We-"
"What if Mother doesn't exist?"
He was getting ready to pull out Souba, but he stopped just before his hand made contact with the handle. He was suddenly laughing.
"Sister," he said with a chuckle, "you know as well as I that Mother does exist. Her children all have a part of her in them." He stopped laughing. "Why are you doubting Mother all of a sudden?"
I smiled a smile as devilish as his. "I didn't say that I doubted her, Brother. I was testing you."
"Ah. But of course. Did I pass then?"
"With flying colors."
You failed actually.
Many tears I shed,
In the night of the new moon, another sea is created
Far in the distance, the words
Of this story are spinning around
Everyone had gone to sleep.
I looked up at the Lifestream, watching the millions of twisting lines curve and move in their wave-like motion. I felt it then. A lightness, like I weighed nothing. I wanted to move with that lightness and become that lightness. I knew that I did I would leave this world behind. That's why I didn't.
"Looking up at the Lifestream again, Sis?"
That lightness was gone.
"You seem to like looking at the Lifestream a lot, Sister. What is that you think of when you look up at it?" Middle Brother asked, tucking a strand of his long hair behind his ear. He let the silence linger.
"I think of Brother mostly."
He smirked. "What about Brother?"
I tried to put my feelings into thoughts and thoughts into words, but it was harder than I thought. "Well, his hair reminds me of the billions of lines the Lifestream consists of. His hands remind of me of how the Lifestream is always moving."
"For some reason, that doesn't sound like something a sister would say to a brother," Middle Brother replied. "Sounds more like something a lover would say to a lover."
"I am not in love with Brother in that way," I quickly opposed.
"From my point of view, I don't think so," he said.
"Then you're thinking wrong, Middle Brother. I don't like Brother that way."
He laughed. Gave me a small slap on the back. "You don't need to take it so seriously, Sister. I know that you don't love Brother that way." He turned; ready to get back to his sleep. "Well, see you in the morning Sis."
"See you," I replied.
I gazed at the Lifestream again.
"When will you answer my question," I added, " 'Mother'?"
Doushite kimi ni nani mo tsutaerarenakattan darou?
Mainichi maiban tsunotteku omoi
Afuredasu kotoba, wakatteta no ni
(Mou todokanai)
His voice was excited. "The day of Reunion is going to come soon, Sister. All we need is to gather the rest of Mother's children. I've already given that job to Yazoo and Loz. They should be back shortly after dusk."
Ambition was moving swiftly through his veins. I could see it in his half-crazed eyes. And my guilty conscience kicked me.
"Did you talk to Big Brother already? Did you find out where Mother is?" I asked.
"Big Brother has become a traitor," he said angrily. "He doesn't even acknowledge Mother. He opposes us. He is no longer Mother's child." Then he was smirking. "As for the location of Mother, I have a hunch. Don't worry. We'll find her on the day of Reunion. Tomorrow."
Tomorrow. Tomorrow is too soon for me.
I looked up at the sky, the sun overshadowing the Lifestream.
My time here is almost up. When will you answer me?
Why wasn't I able to convey to you?
My feelings that were growing everyday and night
The words begin to overflow
But I know they won't reach you now
The truck-full of children with the stigma arrived. They walked like zombies to the lake. They listened quietly, meekly, and without much emotion. Did they even understand why they were here? Or what Brother was talking about?
I only watched, not paying too much attention to the words.
The young girl beside me called out a name. But afterwards, she said no more.
Brother got into the lake, turning it into mud water. He drank it. Soon afterwards, the children followed suit. The pupils in their eyes stretched vertically, giving them the snake-like look.
Suddenly, they were out of the water and following Brother somewhere else.
I took the moment to touch the water, hoping that somehow I would catch the stigma. Hoping that somehow I would become a child of Mother's. Hoping that I would be closer to Brother.
The water turned clear when I touched it.
Akogareteta mono wa
Utsukushiku omoete
Te ga todokanai kara
Kagayaki o mashita no darou
Twirling around like a giddy boy, he laughed happily. There was something dark behind that laughter. "Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is the day, Sister! We'll finally have our Reunion. We'll finally get to see Mother! We'll finally be able to be whole!" he exclaimed, crazed and excited. He looked at the Moon. "Mother! Mother! Your children will finally be with you at last!"
He twirled around to face me. He was smiling. Then he was worried. "Sister, why so glum? You should be happy. We'll be with Mother tomorrow. We'll finally-"
"We'll be reunited with Mother. That I am happy about. But...what if she decides to leave me behind because-?"
"Nonsense, Sister. Mother knows what you have done for her, and she'll reward you for it." He reached out a hand and touched a strand of my hair. "She knows that without you, there would be no Reunion." He let the strand slip through his fingers. He reached to touch my face.
"Brother, I've been wondering. What did I do to help the Reunion?" I felt his gloved hand touch my cheek. He stroked it.
"You're important, Sister. Just remember and know that you are." His thumb stroked my upper lip. He licked his own.
He snapped out of his trance with a small gasp. He removed his hand from my face. Turned away as if ashamed.
"I-I'm sorry, Sister. I shouldn't have done that. I hope my actions didn't give you the wrong idea," he said quickly.
"No. I wouldn't even dream of it."
In fact, I dream about it a lot.
What you adored
Looked beautiful to you
It became even brighter
Because you couldn't reach it
"Why aren't you asleep, Sister?"
The voice belonged to Big Little Brother.
"I can't sleep, Big Little Brother."
"Are you excited about the Reunion?"
"Yes," I replied.
"We'll finally be with Mother. And we'll play with her in a park. We'll finally be at peace, Sister. At least that's what Brother says."
"Yes. Brother says a lot of things."
"I once heard him call out a name in his sleep."
"Whose name?"
"He didn't say. We asked him who it was. He said he didn't remember. Then later he said that he did, but he couldn't. I didn't understand him." He busied his hands with a blade of grass. He ripped it into little strands.
"Brother can be confusing at times," I replied.
"Yes. But Brother is smart. He knows what to do and when. Without him and you, we wouldn't have the Reunion."
"What have I done to help the Reunion, Big Little Brother?"
"Brother says that you help him a lot. Says that you were always beside him. That's why he adopted you as a Sister."
"Do you remember the name he called out in his sleep?"
He shrugged. Yawned. Turned back. "I can't remember."
"Please...don't let Brother tell me that too," I prayed softly to the Lifestream.
Anata wa itsumo hitori nani ka to tatakatteru
Soba ni iru koto shika atashi ni wa dekinai kedo
He faced the rising sun, rising to a new day. "Today is the day my Brothers and Sister. The Reunion is here. The Reunion with Mother." He raised his hands up to the sky for dramatic effect. His hands dropped down to his sides again. "Kazoo, Loz, you know what to do." They nodded and quickly rushed to their station. Then he turned to me. "Sister, I haven't told you what do yet, did I?"
I shook my head.
"Well, I'll give you the most important job: backup. You are to just watch from the sidelines. When it seems like I need you, just rush into the battle."
Backup. That's the only job he ever gives me. And he seldom needs helps.
"Yes. As always, Brother," I replied.
He took a deep breath. "Soon. Soon, Mother."
Soon. I hope to get my answer from you soon, "Mother."
You're always fighting something by yourself
I can't be that thing by your side, but...
The chaos came. Screams. Running feet. Swords clashing. A giant monster roaring above everything else. Materialized from the Lifestream as if the Earth had wanted this monster to come.
Like a bystander, I watched, moved, and said nothing. I kept my eyes on Brother, waiting for when he would need my help the most.
A box was thrown from the big, tall building. After it, Brother went, trying to seize it in his palms. Trying to hold onto it and make sure that no more of "Mother" spilt out.
Mother, I wondered, were you always that small?
I followed him when he rode his motorcycle away. I saw Big Brother following close behind. In front of him were Middle Brother and Big Little Brother. I figured that they probably would be able to keep Big Brother sidetracked for a little while.
They did. But for a shorter time period than I originally thought. I saw Big Brother's motorcycle following Brother close behind. I knew Brother needed help, but yet did nothing to stop Big Brother.
Why?
I don't know either.
Dakara soba ni ite
Zutto dato itte
Akuma no koe wo kakikesu made
Ushinawanu you ni
Sotto tashikameru
I heard a terrible scream. I watched from the side of the church as he clutched the case in his hands. He held it with so much strength; afraid it and he would break if he let it go. I could do nothing but feel a little remorse.
The pond somehow came alive. It bubbled and bubbled until it burst into a shower. The water seemed to go through me. I felt no rain at all. I felt no healing power. Maybe that's because I don't need healing.
Or maybe because I was not worth it.
So stay by my side
Say you will forever
Until you drown out the devil's voice
So that I won't lose you
I'll softly make sure
The battle raged on. Countless buildings were destroyed in the process. And cheesy dialogue made the battle more intense.
I saw Brother change into someone not Brother. A being I think I might've known long ago, but didn't now. His hair was similar to Brother's, but his face and aura were completely different. More evil.
I watched the fast-paced action, trying to keep up with every movement to the slightest detail. At the same time while trying to avoid the onslaught of the hurt buildings.
In the end, somehow, Big Brother won.
I was happy.
And in tears.
Akaku akaku akaku yurete
Yume no yume no hate e
Hanarerarenai
Far in the sidelines, I watched in pain as Brother's body faded into the Lifestream. I couldn't help him now. At least he would be at rest, thinking that he would be with Mother. I watched as my other Brothers followed suit. All except Big Brother.
I saw the rain, but felt no rain on my skin. I knew I should've been wet, but felt no wetness either. Closed my eyes and felt the familiar lightness.
"I've been waiting for an answer to my question. I still haven't gotten it," I said. I felt her presence in front of me. "Mother, what is the answer?"
"Mother again? Everyone seems to be calling me that."
"Aerith then. I just want to know what is the answer."
She smiled.
"Was I ever meant to be with him?" I asked.
"That's a different question than the one you asked before," she replied. "You asked, 'Does he remember me?' remember?"
"Did he?"
"Ask him yourself."
"I meant to. But...now I don't think I can."
"Why not?"
"Because he has joined the Lifestream. He is just a memory now."
"Doesn't mean he isn't remembered or forgotten."
"That leaves another question, Aerith. Will you give me a direct answer this time?"
"I'll try," she replied.
"When will I join the Lifestream again?"
"I don't have an answer to that. Somehow you came back down to Earth; somehow you will come back to the Lifestream."
"Even if I did come back to the Lifestream, I wouldn't be able to talk to him, would I, Aerith?"
"Strands of Lifestream don't talk."
"I figured."
"Why didn't you ask him when he was still with you? You had many chances to ask him."
"I don't know. Why didn't I?"
Gravity fell on me again.
"Why didn't I ask him?"
Maybe because I'm a coward.
Swaying in red, red, red
To the edge of the dream's dream
I won't let go of you
"Do you remember when we first met?"
"Do you remember what you first said to me?"
"Do you remember what I said back?"
"Do you remember any of that at all?"
It was useless. He couldn't answer me now. He was dead after all. There is no way to make the dead come alive again.
Lifestream, oh Lifestream, why is it that I see Brother every time I look up at you?
Brother, oh Brother, why is that I can't forget about you as easily as you forgot about me?
I can taste the sweetness of the past
Doko ni mo anata wa inai kedo,
I'll be alright,
Me o tsubureba soko ni
Kawaranai ai o,
I believe
A familiar place. An unfamiliar place. They were both different but yet in one.
A Strand of the Lifestream came down to earth. That Strand twirled around me, trying to tell me something. I moved and followed it. We navigated through the trees, shrubs, and other plants. We came to a familiar pond.
Floating on his back was Brother before he became Brother. Beside him was me before I had became Sister. I was standing on the pond floor, standing near him.
"Tomorrow you leave to start your journey, right?"
"Yes. Tomorrow, my Brothers and I will start planning the Reunion."
"So, you'll be gone for a year, huh?"
"Yes."
"Does that mean you won't return? I won't ever see you again?"
He smiled. Then he turned around and stood on the pond floor too. He reached a hand to touch my cheek. His hand then was not gloved.
I felt the familiar roughness and gentleness of his bare hands on my cheek too.
"I will return when the Reunion is over. I'll return to this very spot a year from now. Remember that and wait for me."
"What if you forget this spot, Kadaj? What if you forget me too?"
He smiled again. His other hand touched my other cheek delicately. "I will never forget this spot or you. Never. I would never forget my Nang."
"Close your eyes. And tell me what I look like right now, down to the last detail. So I can trust that you won't forget."
Kadaj smiled and played along with the game. "Nang, you have black hair as black as the night sky. Your eyes are the perfect shade of brown, as brown as the tree's bark. Today you're wearing your white kimono with flowers on it. You look lovely by the way. You always do."
I looked at my reflection. Black hair, brown eyes, no kimono though. I was wearing the uniform that he had given me when he adopted me as Sister. The uniform that my other Brothers wore. All black, as if I was always mourning.
He opened his eyes.
"I wonder if you'll meet other girls on your way."
"Even if I do, I promise to never forget you."
The me before me was blushing. "Just in case you do, I'll give you a little memento to remember me by."
A kiss in the night, illuminated by the moonlight.
Brother and I faded like ghosts.
The Strand of Lifestream had been floating above the heads of Brother before he was Brother and me before I was Sister for a long time now. It seemed to be observing and thinking.
Then it came before me, staring at me it seems. Staring at me for a long time. Then, the Strand broke into bits of light. That light formed a cocoon. That cocoon broke apart, and left standing was him.
Brother, the one standing before me, reached out a hand to touch my cheek. I felt the familiar sensation of his glove.
"I thought you were familiar, Sister. I knew I had seen you somewhere before."
Relieved, I said, "So you didn't forget."
"No. I never forgot. How could I forget that little reminder you gave me?" He smirked when he remembered. He looked up at the sky. A voice rang through the forest.
"Kadaj, it's time to come back."
"Mother," he pleaded. "Just for a little bit longer."
I took a step back from him. "You should probably go. Mother will get impatient."
He took a step forward. "Sis--Nang."
The sound of my name was blissful. I hadn't heard it in such a long time, I was about to forget it too. But the moment of bliss was gone when her voice echoed again.
"Kadaj..."
He looked up at the sky, pleading with opposing emotions. He wanted to go, but he didn't. And he didn't know which to pick. Then he stopped pleading to the sky. He turned to me, a calmness in his face. He smiled.
"Nang, Mother is calling for me. I must go." His hands touched my cheek. He was fading back into a Strand again. But his hands still felt solid touching my face.
A kiss in the moonlight, illuminated by the night.
I can taste the sweetness of the past.
Although you're not anywhere
I'll be alright,
If I close my eyes to that,
Love won't change,
I believe
My eyes awakened. I saw the new dawn rising. It was the day after the failed Reunion. The town of Edge seemed to be healing now.
I watched the movement of the Lifestream, curving up and down like a wave. Beside, I could still feel his presence.
That lightness again.
It seemed I was rising up, up, and up again. Like I was lightweight. The weight I was when I was a Strand in the Lifestream.
Ahead of me was another Strand. It curved around me easily. Then it was a hand. I reached for it.
I felt rain suddenly, but saw the sky still bright.
A sun shower was welcoming me back.
An echo through the rain. "I was waiting for you, Nang."
Yagate subete ga sugi saru ato mo
Anata dake wo omou
Eventually, after everything has passed away
I will think of nobody but you
Disclaimer: The lyrics and translations on this document are not mine. They belong to the artists who sang the lyrics and the writer who wrote them.
Lyrics Used (Listed in order):
1. "Kataritsugu Koto" (The Things I Pass Down) by Chitose Hajime.
2. "Doushite kimi wo suki ni natte shimattan darou?" (Why Did I Fall For You?) by Tohoshinki.
3. "Moments" by Ayumi Hamasaki.
4. "Houki Boshi" (Comet) by Younha.
5. "Antoinette Blue" by Nana Kitade.
6. "Futatsu no Kodou to Akai Tsumi" (Two Hearts and Red Sin) (At least I think it translates into that) by ON/OFF.
7. "Four Seasons" by Namie Amuro.
8. "Haru no Katami" (Memento of Spring) by Chitose Hajime.
Neither do I own Kadaj or the other characters in Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. I just own my OC, Nang, and this story.